The Rundown
*I apologize in advance if I swear. If I do, hopefully, it'll just be while I'm quoting. I also apologize for leaving a book here, but hey, i gotta get this out so i can stop dwelling, and start healing.*
So, Thursday night, I'm just chilling out, hanging out in my favorite chat room (the one we have up for the community), and making sleepy like rumblings, when out of the clear blue, who should pop up on my IM but my boyfriend. I mean, sure, it's my boyfriend, so I'm happy to see him, but the hour is odd, 'cause he's usually asleep. Ah well, at least I'm getting some contact.
So, when he says "I need to talk to someone" as his opening salvo, instead of something at least remotely romantic, I have warning bells firing. And his litany begins. He hates his job. He hates his relationship. He hates his parents. He hates his friends. He hates everyone and everything, and wants to just quit it all...
My heart falls to my stomach, and I get cold. Nature's insulation has just taken hold of me. Fortunately, I installed a mental panic button a few years back for just such an emergency. I mean, yeah, I'm scared outta my damn gourd, and freaking, but there's a situation to be dealt with. My little breakdown can wait until business has concluded. So, i hit the switch, and let it slide. (It didn't hurt to have the chat window open in the background to help pour out the worry so I could deal.) I check with him to make sure we're still cool. I mean, he's been my best friend for 15 years, as well as my boyfriend of four months. Damnit, I want to make sure I'm not losing my friend. So, I ask. And he says, yeah, we're cool. I ask if he wants out of the relationship, to just go back to being friends for a while, go on hiatus, y'know? Gotta get him whole before I can think of dating him. He says, "I think you need to find someone who can be there for you. I'm sorry I can't be the one for you."
...waitaminute...did I just get dumped via instant messenger?!?
Then he says "I'm sorry if that hurts you."
umm...that's a yes.
I respond, "Hey, I was more worried abut losing my best friend of as long as I can remember if this went south. That ain't gonna happen, so we're cool. ---- my heart. It'll heal." He drops a few subtle red flags to make sure i get his suicidal intent, too, like when i ask him if he's gonna pull outta life for a while, to get himself together, he says "No, I'm just gonna pull out of life forever." Sure, he then couches it in terms of going hermit, but the seed is planted.
I tell him my phone is armed, and he just vanishes.
About an hour later, Lee pops up on IM, and the first words out of her mouth, as it were, are "Was this your idea?"
Oh yeah, she went there.
So, I launch right back. "Yeah, right. How dare you ask me that question?"
Her response, "What question?"
Oh no, you are NOT going to play me, babe. Not now. I'm in crisis mode, and am not in the mood. So, I run her words right back at her. "Was this your idea?"
So, she gives me the rundown. Apparently, they had just had an argument. About sex. Jesus. I could care less. I really could. I mean, their sexual problems have never been MY sexual problems. He and I had never crossed that threshold. Granted, that's cause I have issues of my own about sex, and there were...physical limitations as well that needed to be surmounted. Anyways, that's just lovely. Their problems are giving me problems yet again. My dog ain't in this fight. And now I have a suicidal ex to deal with. He's never done it yet, mostly through my talking him down for years. But hey, all it takes is the first time, right? So, with everyone in the chatroom helping to cool me out as much as they can, I take my leave, and go get some cocoa. I know the adrenaline is gonna crash soon, and I need something to take the edge off. I NEED cocoa, and I'm out. So, it's off to the Giant Eagle. And I get my favorite "I'm hurting" togs on. Black jeans. Black ribbed tank. Black patch jacket. Black Doc Martins. In short, a look that screams out, "Play with me at your own risk." I am a hurting lil' faux, and I want to share my pain WITH someone, hopefully in the most literal way possible.
Long story short, no one on the streets, and i get my cocoa without any problems. Also grab a pack of smokes without thinking about it. Eh, better that than drinking.
And so, I bump into a tweeker on my way home, and he wants easy money for his next fix. So, me being the only one on the street, I get the nomination. So, as he steps in front of me, and demands my money, I set down my purchases, and look him dead in his burnt out headlights. "Hey, if you think the only thing you have to offer, your life, is worth the four dollars in my wallet, you're welcome to try me." I smile at him, and let the monster in me screaming for release and bloodshed leak through into my eyes. I give him a taste of my madness.
He runs like Satan himself has just invited him over to play a friendly game of darts, with him as the dartboard.
My good deed done for the night (not just jumping on the guy and killing him), i go home and have my cocoa.
Next morning, I go to work. In my life, whenever anything is going wrong, I look forward to my job more than anything. It's a 8 hour refuge from all my ills, because there I have something else to do and worry about. Unfortunately, when I started talking to my coworkers, my shock bubble popped. I mean, I'd been dumped in possibly the second most impersonal way possible. Holy CRAP! Naturally, i started shaking and sobbing. My boss, Henry, just swept me into a huge bear hug (apropos, as he is a bear), and said "Go home. We'll handle it today. We're fully staffed, and we'll manage. Go get better." Hey, he knows me pretty well for someone who's known me for all of three months. I bust my hump at work so I know it's handled. Nice to know that he knew the only reason I showed up is because I was scheduled to. So, I grabbed my paycheck and hit the door, waving to the gals as I left, and apologizing for leaving them in the lurch. They all understood.
So, I go dump my money in the bank, and decide to revert to my kithood for a bit. I want to watch a cartoon. It's always been my favorite refuge in the past, so why not. So, seeing as my options are either the Disney rat movie (might make me cry...not good...), or Shoot 'Em Up, I opt for the ultra violence. Sound investment. 84 of the 86 minutes were spent in giddy, giggly glee. It was exactly what i needed: something so far removed from reality as to let myself regain my spirits. Balm for the wounded soul.
And no sooner than I leave the theater, my phone starts blowing up. Gene (my buddy from Minnesota) calls. I fill him in. He empathizes, which is a good thing, as sympathy is the one thing I didn't need. He fills me in on his job woes, but he's like me. He's gonna gut it out until he gets something better. It's all you can do, after all, sometimes. Then Kitty calls. She was one of my four favorite people at my old gig. Turns out she finally left her jerk of a boyfriend and started dating the boss. Now she's working at another store, and they're totally giddy. Made me smile. They both needed someone who got them, and I'm glad they found each other. So i now have a standing invite to go over and hang. I'll take 'em up on it soon. And so on and so on. All kinds of people I haven't seen in forever call me up, and it's just pure serendipity.
I take the message from it I'm supposed to. I'm loved. I have WAY more friends than even I knew. Pity it takes something like this happening to get that to cross your mind, sometimes, but that's life. In any event, I realize I'm me, and not just someone else's insignificant other. I get the realization that's always taken me months in the past to get in less than 24 hours after the breakup. Good deal.
Hexen and Xander called, too. I filled them in, and we plan to take our usual Saturday game off for the week and help me pour a little alcohol and friendship over the gaping hole in my soul. It's my usual tradition when I get dropped or hurt. They're always good for it. I'm so damned glad they've moved out here from back home. I've missed them something fierce, and not just for the standing geeking out we do on weekends. They're family, y'know?
So, Saturday rolls around. I head into work. Doing fine, everyone checks in with me, and I'm calmer about the situation. I mean, it's over, I'm gonna have my 'wake', and move the hell on, right?
So, an hour before lunch, Lee pops up with a text message that she and Ub are gonna grab a movie, and then pick me up after work, and we'll head over to Xander and Hex's.
WHAT?!? Oh, hell no. I snapped, and started crying right there. I went to Henry and said, "Need to get back into character. Gonna take five." He nods, and i go grab a smoke and start dialing. Xander doesn't pick up, but Hex does. I fill her in. She starts cursing up a blue streak that'd make a sailor proud. She says she'll call Xander, and have him handle it. I calm down immediately. Hey, she says it's handled, then it's handled. She doesn't want the drama any more than I do, and if Ub and Lee show up before I'm ready, it'll be drama. I start apologizing for bringing the drama to her doorstep. I hear the fierceness in her voice as she says, "Hey, he's the problem here. There's no way in hell I want him showing up while you're hurting. I mean, you're invited. We're going to help you out. He's not allowed to just invite himself. He's not allowed over period until you say he is. Right now, you're our friend, and you're in need. ---- him."
Relief floods through me. I thank her profusely, and go back to work.
And so, most of the rest of my day rolls on as normal. I start working my last customer, and it's a doozy. Seven hundred dollar sale. On senior pictures. Lordy lordy...and as I head into the back to finish the paperwork, I check my phone. Several missed calls, all in rapid succession. So, I check my voicemail while i wait for the credit card to clear, and the paperwork to print. Xander looking for Ub and Lee's cell phone numbers. Xander again looking for the same. Hexen telling me she provided him with the numbers. Hexen wanting me to call her when I'm ready to get off work, so she can give me a lift. Xander calling to tell me he's lost. With one message to go, I close my phone and go finish the sale. Smiling, I finish up, and head back into the back office to file the paperwork, and hit the voicemail for the last message.
"Hi, it's Lee. We just got done with the movie, and we're on our way to pick you up. See you in a bit."
Ohnoes. Sheer panic kicks in. I close the phone, and shrink into the nearest corner, panic kicking in. I know just how the mouse feels. I'm trapped now. No clue what to do. Henry and Forrest finish their sales at the same time, and both see me in the office. Forrest immediately starts trying to calm me down, and she does an excellent job. Henry just looks on in shock and dismay for a few moments as I choke out around panicked squeaking what the problem is. I mean, he's watched me bust my butt through my grandfather dying, other relationship issues, and migraines so nasty that the only relief was to wear sunglasses indoors between customers, so watching me be reduced so a quivering mass two days running just really seems to set something in him off. He asks me if I want him to give me a ride. That breaks through the last of the panic. I smile weakly and tell him, "Naw. I'll call Xander, see what's up. But if I could have you do a sweep of the lot and let me know if you see a blue Honda refrigerator box on wheels, that'd be cool. If that car's here, I'm gonna hafta hide out until the calvary comes."
Henry just nods, and heads out the door with a look on his face that vaguely frightens me. I know it, cause it's one of mine. Someone is screwing with one of HIS people, and that's not allowed. He hits the door looking for all the world like a hitman looking for his target, and starts to sweep the lot. I dial Xander. Turns out, he's waiting downstairs. The calvary's already there. My heartbeat resumes it's normal rate, and for the second time today, I'm flooded with relief. I sag down and clock out. Henry reports back that the car ain't in the lot. For the second day in a row, he pulls me into a bear hug that takes a lot of the tension (and the wind) out of me. I start getting it together as I head out the door and get into Xander's car. He informs me that Lee and Ub are waiting at his house.
...WhAt?!?
He wants to talk it out. And right on cue, in that moment where I probably should have felt despair, or fear, or relief at the prospect of working things out, the switch flips. I get calm. Scary calm. That calm I usually get right before I'm about to get hit, and there's nothing I can do about it, except get ready for a war. So, I look at Xander out of the corner of my eye, and ask him, "What the hell is he thinking, anyway? You told him he wasn't invited, right?" I mean, he's an ex-bouncer, an Admin of Justice major (with degree), and a psych minor. He knows from people's motives. And the fact that he's a lion surely doesn't hurt him in the intimidation department. He says exactly what I'm thinking.
"He wants to explain himself. He wants to give you his side of the story while you're still raw and bleeding. Soft. Vulnerable. He's out to manipulate you, man."
Yep, just what I didn't want to hear. And instead of panicking...I get angry. And I mean really angry. "Yeah, well, he's in for a surprise, then. He knows me, and he knows how to play me. Problem is, I know him too. There ain't no way. If he'd gotten to me like four months ago, oh yeah, it'd have worked. Hell, if he'd have gotten to me yesterday, it've worked. But not today, man. He's a hypocrite of the worst sort."
Xander merely arches an eyebrow. We pull in at the liquor store and bag a big box of vodka (three flavors) and a ton of mixers. Then we hit some hole in the wall pizzeria and bag a giant with meat out the wazoo, and olives and 'shrooms to cover the vegetable quotient necessary to make a good pie. And I lay it out for him. He knew about Ub and Hex trying to date, and he in turn told me about how Ub tried to manipulate Hex. Which would be why she broke up with him via e-mail. Too dangerous for her to face to face with. Understandable. If he'd have tried the wrong trick with her, she'd have eviscerated him. Hey, you screw with an angry wildcat, you take your chances.
Well, now don't that just take his story and blow it to hell...
So, we get over to their house. Xander grabs the giant pie and lays it out, while i unload the mixers and liquid band-aids. Hex takes me aside, and asks if I'm cool with this. Of course not, but I pull her into a hug anyways, and then whisper in her ear, "Hey look, I'm gonna try to get through this. Just keep Lee out of this until I'm ready. I swear, she says the wrong thing, she gets both barrels." Now Hex is looking confused, so I lay out the whole deal in as short a way as possible by explaining the first words out of lee's mouth, and then how she sounded on the phone; chipper, yet firm, like she'd taken control of the situation, which Ub's therapist told her to do when he wasn't in any shape to do it himself. Basically, she thought she was doing the right thing. Scary. And then, i feel a shadow dwarfing us. I cock my head back.
It's Ub. Wonder how much of that he heard.
And so we head into Thor's room. Thor is Hex's brother who just got outta the joint. Nice guy, as long as he's working. Guaranteed way to get privacy.
And so we talk. He tells me he's sorry. That it was a misunderstanding. He didn't want to break up with me. He never did. Heck, once he realized that that was what I'd thought, he was willing to dump lee race down here and just be with me.
I just sat there and listened. I think I missed my cue to jump into his arms and forgive him for everything...
...and the next words out of his mouth clinched it. If he'd have said, "I'm getting help for my problems, and I'm not going to let up until they're fixed.", I'd have jumped into his arms. Instead, he said "I have a mental problem."
He'd fallen back on the crutch. Nope. No happy, sappy reunion scene here. Fire the orchestra, and send them home. We're rewriting the script.
"I know, man. And please, don't break up with her. I can't be with you, man. You said it yourself. You can't be there for me. You can't be the one for me. Your words, now you stand by them. I'm sorry you have that problem. I'll be happy to help you. Be there for you however I can, but it'll have to be as a friend. I can't do this make up break up bullshit anymore. You gotta understand, this was a near thing for me. My sanity was hanging by a thread. The only thing that saved me was all my friends calling out of the clear blue. Reminding me of who I am. Hell, for the first time in nearly 30 years, I'm finally comfortable in my skin." I know my eyes were shiny with tears at this point, and I had the lip quaver and puppy dog eyes going. Didn't need a mirror. "I can't throw that away, and if I went back with you, I would be. I could barely take it this time. If it happened again, my straight-jacket wouldn't be just for show. I can't deal with it. You said you wanted to be alive again, to hang out again. I don't care if it was just the booze talking...Your actions speak louder, man. You'd rather be with your pain than me. Than with your friends. That hurts most, man."
He looked at me, and said, "You're right. And I should have at lest called. But phones work both ways." Heh. He was trying to use my own words on me.
Wrong move.
"Yeah, they do. And I was in no position to use mine. I was hurting, and I couldn't think straight. I couldn't think to call you, you'd hurt me. I mean, you know I have a beyond Zero tolerance for head games. For being manipulated. And definitely for suicidal talk. And if I took you back, I'd need an iron clad guarantee that you wouldn't do that again. And you can't give me that, can you?"
Silence.
"Exactly. Like I said, I have to watch out for myself now. I thought I was stronger, and I am. But not that strong, not yet. And I won't play those games. I know you don't mean to play them, but it's who you are. And I need stability. I need attention. You'd change, sure, for a while, but eventually, you'll slip back. You always have before. I can't risk my heart that you might do it this time, too."
And then he stood up. "Yeah, I understand man. I had to try. So, we're good?"
I stood up and hugged him. Hey, he's still my bro, still my friend. "Yeah. Like I said, In any capacity but that one."
Then he goes and gets Lee. And she walks in looking pissed. Guess he'd told her. Nothing like an angry pantheress to put you on edge. So, he starts telling her that she'd been unfair to me, dumping all her problems on me. That she'd been driving a wedge between Ub and me from the word go. She might not have been doing it consciously, but she was. I chimed in that she didn't have to sweat it, 'cause he and I weren't dating anymore. She took a breath, and her wall fell. She became a person again. I explained that they were gonna hafta keep talking to each other like this. That she'd have to keep coming to him when she had a problem. She swung back to angry, telling him that he needed to communicate too. Not having my dog in this fight anymore, I was detached. Told him he'd have to work on his problems too. Start with work, since it was at the top of his litany of woes. He agreed. Told him he had to work on his parents. He already had started. He mentioned he was raised to not make people uncomfortable. I laughed. With his parents?!? Apparently, it was a case of do as I say...I told him to rip out that wiring. It was breaking him more surely than anything else. I mean, yeah, sometimes the squeaky wheel gets the hammer, but more often than not, it gets the grease.
And that was basically it. I gave lee a hug, and left them to talk. Ub mentioned needing to talk to hex. I told him to let it wait until she got back from dropping her kids at grandma's. He agreed. Especially 'cause with a car full of cubs, her being angry would be a bad thing. Sides, I knew she was already mad at him.
So, when she got back, they talked. Xander, Cleveland (so named because he rocks. No clue as to his real name. He hails from San Fran originally...), Thor, Lee, and I watched the fights on TV. And after Hex and Ub walk back into the room, he flumps back down next to me, and starts rubbing my leg just like he did while we were dating...
Umm...did he miss the memo, or just ignore it utterly?
I get weirded out. I go back to Thor's room. Hex, Thor and Cleveland walk back in there with Apples to Apples. Thor hands me a cup loaded with vodka and Sunkist. I'm amazed, cause I know (now) he's trying to go sober. He hits his coffee, and I thank him gratefully. As we play, I relax more. After a full hand, and as we're starting our second one, Lee and Ub poke their heads in to see if I need a ride. I tell them I'm gonna crash there, cause it's closer to work than going home. Especially with the fubared weekend schedule for the bus.
So, they leave. And he smiles at me with the same look he had while we were dating. Oh jesus...he's still in love with me. Someone, anyone take my mind off this...
And Hex finally sounds off. She's ticked about the whole mess, but not at me. I mean, yeah, our game was derailed for my problem, but that's okay. As far as she was concerned, he had no right to come over and bring his little black raincloud over to rain on things. Especially as he was the cause of the problem. So, after she gets done venting, we troop out to the living room, and get another hand going. The vibe becomes jovial again. We still got to have fun together. Which is just what I needed. Then we watched the Kentucky Fried Movie. She'd never seen it, and I loved watching her face light up and take on that cute confuzzled look at various moments. Yeah, she and I dated for a while way back when, but we broke it off amicably. It wouldn't have worked. As laid back as I am as a friend, I'm more needy in a relationship, and she already had a full time partner. Hey, I was more worried about our friendship there too. But we made it work, and our friendship is stronger now than it ever was.
So, wrapped in a blanket of warmth and solidarity, I curled up and passed out.
Went to work the next day, and settled in. Sure, I wasn't as healed as I'd have liked, but hey, work is where I go to escape my woes. And it was a banal day. Worst thing I had to deal with was public transit getting home.
Same story yesterday too. So, I think I'm gonna be okay. Sure, I'm still a lil' raw, but the bleeding has mostly stopped. In a few days time, I should be right as rain. And in the meantime, I'm just gonna enjoy being single. Sure, I'm gonna miss the built in snuggles, and having someone to call my sweetheart.
Then again, with so many friends, all i'm gonna be missing is the physical perks. I've got all the love anyone could ask for. I can always snuggle up with a stuffie or five to take the edge off when I'm alone.
In the meantime, though...I've got some baking to do.
So, Thursday night, I'm just chilling out, hanging out in my favorite chat room (the one we have up for the community), and making sleepy like rumblings, when out of the clear blue, who should pop up on my IM but my boyfriend. I mean, sure, it's my boyfriend, so I'm happy to see him, but the hour is odd, 'cause he's usually asleep. Ah well, at least I'm getting some contact.
So, when he says "I need to talk to someone" as his opening salvo, instead of something at least remotely romantic, I have warning bells firing. And his litany begins. He hates his job. He hates his relationship. He hates his parents. He hates his friends. He hates everyone and everything, and wants to just quit it all...
My heart falls to my stomach, and I get cold. Nature's insulation has just taken hold of me. Fortunately, I installed a mental panic button a few years back for just such an emergency. I mean, yeah, I'm scared outta my damn gourd, and freaking, but there's a situation to be dealt with. My little breakdown can wait until business has concluded. So, i hit the switch, and let it slide. (It didn't hurt to have the chat window open in the background to help pour out the worry so I could deal.) I check with him to make sure we're still cool. I mean, he's been my best friend for 15 years, as well as my boyfriend of four months. Damnit, I want to make sure I'm not losing my friend. So, I ask. And he says, yeah, we're cool. I ask if he wants out of the relationship, to just go back to being friends for a while, go on hiatus, y'know? Gotta get him whole before I can think of dating him. He says, "I think you need to find someone who can be there for you. I'm sorry I can't be the one for you."
...waitaminute...did I just get dumped via instant messenger?!?
Then he says "I'm sorry if that hurts you."
umm...that's a yes.
I respond, "Hey, I was more worried abut losing my best friend of as long as I can remember if this went south. That ain't gonna happen, so we're cool. ---- my heart. It'll heal." He drops a few subtle red flags to make sure i get his suicidal intent, too, like when i ask him if he's gonna pull outta life for a while, to get himself together, he says "No, I'm just gonna pull out of life forever." Sure, he then couches it in terms of going hermit, but the seed is planted.
I tell him my phone is armed, and he just vanishes.
About an hour later, Lee pops up on IM, and the first words out of her mouth, as it were, are "Was this your idea?"
Oh yeah, she went there.
So, I launch right back. "Yeah, right. How dare you ask me that question?"
Her response, "What question?"
Oh no, you are NOT going to play me, babe. Not now. I'm in crisis mode, and am not in the mood. So, I run her words right back at her. "Was this your idea?"
So, she gives me the rundown. Apparently, they had just had an argument. About sex. Jesus. I could care less. I really could. I mean, their sexual problems have never been MY sexual problems. He and I had never crossed that threshold. Granted, that's cause I have issues of my own about sex, and there were...physical limitations as well that needed to be surmounted. Anyways, that's just lovely. Their problems are giving me problems yet again. My dog ain't in this fight. And now I have a suicidal ex to deal with. He's never done it yet, mostly through my talking him down for years. But hey, all it takes is the first time, right? So, with everyone in the chatroom helping to cool me out as much as they can, I take my leave, and go get some cocoa. I know the adrenaline is gonna crash soon, and I need something to take the edge off. I NEED cocoa, and I'm out. So, it's off to the Giant Eagle. And I get my favorite "I'm hurting" togs on. Black jeans. Black ribbed tank. Black patch jacket. Black Doc Martins. In short, a look that screams out, "Play with me at your own risk." I am a hurting lil' faux, and I want to share my pain WITH someone, hopefully in the most literal way possible.
Long story short, no one on the streets, and i get my cocoa without any problems. Also grab a pack of smokes without thinking about it. Eh, better that than drinking.
And so, I bump into a tweeker on my way home, and he wants easy money for his next fix. So, me being the only one on the street, I get the nomination. So, as he steps in front of me, and demands my money, I set down my purchases, and look him dead in his burnt out headlights. "Hey, if you think the only thing you have to offer, your life, is worth the four dollars in my wallet, you're welcome to try me." I smile at him, and let the monster in me screaming for release and bloodshed leak through into my eyes. I give him a taste of my madness.
He runs like Satan himself has just invited him over to play a friendly game of darts, with him as the dartboard.
My good deed done for the night (not just jumping on the guy and killing him), i go home and have my cocoa.
Next morning, I go to work. In my life, whenever anything is going wrong, I look forward to my job more than anything. It's a 8 hour refuge from all my ills, because there I have something else to do and worry about. Unfortunately, when I started talking to my coworkers, my shock bubble popped. I mean, I'd been dumped in possibly the second most impersonal way possible. Holy CRAP! Naturally, i started shaking and sobbing. My boss, Henry, just swept me into a huge bear hug (apropos, as he is a bear), and said "Go home. We'll handle it today. We're fully staffed, and we'll manage. Go get better." Hey, he knows me pretty well for someone who's known me for all of three months. I bust my hump at work so I know it's handled. Nice to know that he knew the only reason I showed up is because I was scheduled to. So, I grabbed my paycheck and hit the door, waving to the gals as I left, and apologizing for leaving them in the lurch. They all understood.
So, I go dump my money in the bank, and decide to revert to my kithood for a bit. I want to watch a cartoon. It's always been my favorite refuge in the past, so why not. So, seeing as my options are either the Disney rat movie (might make me cry...not good...), or Shoot 'Em Up, I opt for the ultra violence. Sound investment. 84 of the 86 minutes were spent in giddy, giggly glee. It was exactly what i needed: something so far removed from reality as to let myself regain my spirits. Balm for the wounded soul.
And no sooner than I leave the theater, my phone starts blowing up. Gene (my buddy from Minnesota) calls. I fill him in. He empathizes, which is a good thing, as sympathy is the one thing I didn't need. He fills me in on his job woes, but he's like me. He's gonna gut it out until he gets something better. It's all you can do, after all, sometimes. Then Kitty calls. She was one of my four favorite people at my old gig. Turns out she finally left her jerk of a boyfriend and started dating the boss. Now she's working at another store, and they're totally giddy. Made me smile. They both needed someone who got them, and I'm glad they found each other. So i now have a standing invite to go over and hang. I'll take 'em up on it soon. And so on and so on. All kinds of people I haven't seen in forever call me up, and it's just pure serendipity.
I take the message from it I'm supposed to. I'm loved. I have WAY more friends than even I knew. Pity it takes something like this happening to get that to cross your mind, sometimes, but that's life. In any event, I realize I'm me, and not just someone else's insignificant other. I get the realization that's always taken me months in the past to get in less than 24 hours after the breakup. Good deal.
Hexen and Xander called, too. I filled them in, and we plan to take our usual Saturday game off for the week and help me pour a little alcohol and friendship over the gaping hole in my soul. It's my usual tradition when I get dropped or hurt. They're always good for it. I'm so damned glad they've moved out here from back home. I've missed them something fierce, and not just for the standing geeking out we do on weekends. They're family, y'know?
So, Saturday rolls around. I head into work. Doing fine, everyone checks in with me, and I'm calmer about the situation. I mean, it's over, I'm gonna have my 'wake', and move the hell on, right?
So, an hour before lunch, Lee pops up with a text message that she and Ub are gonna grab a movie, and then pick me up after work, and we'll head over to Xander and Hex's.
WHAT?!? Oh, hell no. I snapped, and started crying right there. I went to Henry and said, "Need to get back into character. Gonna take five." He nods, and i go grab a smoke and start dialing. Xander doesn't pick up, but Hex does. I fill her in. She starts cursing up a blue streak that'd make a sailor proud. She says she'll call Xander, and have him handle it. I calm down immediately. Hey, she says it's handled, then it's handled. She doesn't want the drama any more than I do, and if Ub and Lee show up before I'm ready, it'll be drama. I start apologizing for bringing the drama to her doorstep. I hear the fierceness in her voice as she says, "Hey, he's the problem here. There's no way in hell I want him showing up while you're hurting. I mean, you're invited. We're going to help you out. He's not allowed to just invite himself. He's not allowed over period until you say he is. Right now, you're our friend, and you're in need. ---- him."
Relief floods through me. I thank her profusely, and go back to work.
And so, most of the rest of my day rolls on as normal. I start working my last customer, and it's a doozy. Seven hundred dollar sale. On senior pictures. Lordy lordy...and as I head into the back to finish the paperwork, I check my phone. Several missed calls, all in rapid succession. So, I check my voicemail while i wait for the credit card to clear, and the paperwork to print. Xander looking for Ub and Lee's cell phone numbers. Xander again looking for the same. Hexen telling me she provided him with the numbers. Hexen wanting me to call her when I'm ready to get off work, so she can give me a lift. Xander calling to tell me he's lost. With one message to go, I close my phone and go finish the sale. Smiling, I finish up, and head back into the back office to file the paperwork, and hit the voicemail for the last message.
"Hi, it's Lee. We just got done with the movie, and we're on our way to pick you up. See you in a bit."
Ohnoes. Sheer panic kicks in. I close the phone, and shrink into the nearest corner, panic kicking in. I know just how the mouse feels. I'm trapped now. No clue what to do. Henry and Forrest finish their sales at the same time, and both see me in the office. Forrest immediately starts trying to calm me down, and she does an excellent job. Henry just looks on in shock and dismay for a few moments as I choke out around panicked squeaking what the problem is. I mean, he's watched me bust my butt through my grandfather dying, other relationship issues, and migraines so nasty that the only relief was to wear sunglasses indoors between customers, so watching me be reduced so a quivering mass two days running just really seems to set something in him off. He asks me if I want him to give me a ride. That breaks through the last of the panic. I smile weakly and tell him, "Naw. I'll call Xander, see what's up. But if I could have you do a sweep of the lot and let me know if you see a blue Honda refrigerator box on wheels, that'd be cool. If that car's here, I'm gonna hafta hide out until the calvary comes."
Henry just nods, and heads out the door with a look on his face that vaguely frightens me. I know it, cause it's one of mine. Someone is screwing with one of HIS people, and that's not allowed. He hits the door looking for all the world like a hitman looking for his target, and starts to sweep the lot. I dial Xander. Turns out, he's waiting downstairs. The calvary's already there. My heartbeat resumes it's normal rate, and for the second time today, I'm flooded with relief. I sag down and clock out. Henry reports back that the car ain't in the lot. For the second day in a row, he pulls me into a bear hug that takes a lot of the tension (and the wind) out of me. I start getting it together as I head out the door and get into Xander's car. He informs me that Lee and Ub are waiting at his house.
...WhAt?!?
He wants to talk it out. And right on cue, in that moment where I probably should have felt despair, or fear, or relief at the prospect of working things out, the switch flips. I get calm. Scary calm. That calm I usually get right before I'm about to get hit, and there's nothing I can do about it, except get ready for a war. So, I look at Xander out of the corner of my eye, and ask him, "What the hell is he thinking, anyway? You told him he wasn't invited, right?" I mean, he's an ex-bouncer, an Admin of Justice major (with degree), and a psych minor. He knows from people's motives. And the fact that he's a lion surely doesn't hurt him in the intimidation department. He says exactly what I'm thinking.
"He wants to explain himself. He wants to give you his side of the story while you're still raw and bleeding. Soft. Vulnerable. He's out to manipulate you, man."
Yep, just what I didn't want to hear. And instead of panicking...I get angry. And I mean really angry. "Yeah, well, he's in for a surprise, then. He knows me, and he knows how to play me. Problem is, I know him too. There ain't no way. If he'd gotten to me like four months ago, oh yeah, it'd have worked. Hell, if he'd have gotten to me yesterday, it've worked. But not today, man. He's a hypocrite of the worst sort."
Xander merely arches an eyebrow. We pull in at the liquor store and bag a big box of vodka (three flavors) and a ton of mixers. Then we hit some hole in the wall pizzeria and bag a giant with meat out the wazoo, and olives and 'shrooms to cover the vegetable quotient necessary to make a good pie. And I lay it out for him. He knew about Ub and Hex trying to date, and he in turn told me about how Ub tried to manipulate Hex. Which would be why she broke up with him via e-mail. Too dangerous for her to face to face with. Understandable. If he'd have tried the wrong trick with her, she'd have eviscerated him. Hey, you screw with an angry wildcat, you take your chances.
Well, now don't that just take his story and blow it to hell...
So, we get over to their house. Xander grabs the giant pie and lays it out, while i unload the mixers and liquid band-aids. Hex takes me aside, and asks if I'm cool with this. Of course not, but I pull her into a hug anyways, and then whisper in her ear, "Hey look, I'm gonna try to get through this. Just keep Lee out of this until I'm ready. I swear, she says the wrong thing, she gets both barrels." Now Hex is looking confused, so I lay out the whole deal in as short a way as possible by explaining the first words out of lee's mouth, and then how she sounded on the phone; chipper, yet firm, like she'd taken control of the situation, which Ub's therapist told her to do when he wasn't in any shape to do it himself. Basically, she thought she was doing the right thing. Scary. And then, i feel a shadow dwarfing us. I cock my head back.
It's Ub. Wonder how much of that he heard.
And so we head into Thor's room. Thor is Hex's brother who just got outta the joint. Nice guy, as long as he's working. Guaranteed way to get privacy.
And so we talk. He tells me he's sorry. That it was a misunderstanding. He didn't want to break up with me. He never did. Heck, once he realized that that was what I'd thought, he was willing to dump lee race down here and just be with me.
I just sat there and listened. I think I missed my cue to jump into his arms and forgive him for everything...
...and the next words out of his mouth clinched it. If he'd have said, "I'm getting help for my problems, and I'm not going to let up until they're fixed.", I'd have jumped into his arms. Instead, he said "I have a mental problem."
He'd fallen back on the crutch. Nope. No happy, sappy reunion scene here. Fire the orchestra, and send them home. We're rewriting the script.
"I know, man. And please, don't break up with her. I can't be with you, man. You said it yourself. You can't be there for me. You can't be the one for me. Your words, now you stand by them. I'm sorry you have that problem. I'll be happy to help you. Be there for you however I can, but it'll have to be as a friend. I can't do this make up break up bullshit anymore. You gotta understand, this was a near thing for me. My sanity was hanging by a thread. The only thing that saved me was all my friends calling out of the clear blue. Reminding me of who I am. Hell, for the first time in nearly 30 years, I'm finally comfortable in my skin." I know my eyes were shiny with tears at this point, and I had the lip quaver and puppy dog eyes going. Didn't need a mirror. "I can't throw that away, and if I went back with you, I would be. I could barely take it this time. If it happened again, my straight-jacket wouldn't be just for show. I can't deal with it. You said you wanted to be alive again, to hang out again. I don't care if it was just the booze talking...Your actions speak louder, man. You'd rather be with your pain than me. Than with your friends. That hurts most, man."
He looked at me, and said, "You're right. And I should have at lest called. But phones work both ways." Heh. He was trying to use my own words on me.
Wrong move.
"Yeah, they do. And I was in no position to use mine. I was hurting, and I couldn't think straight. I couldn't think to call you, you'd hurt me. I mean, you know I have a beyond Zero tolerance for head games. For being manipulated. And definitely for suicidal talk. And if I took you back, I'd need an iron clad guarantee that you wouldn't do that again. And you can't give me that, can you?"
Silence.
"Exactly. Like I said, I have to watch out for myself now. I thought I was stronger, and I am. But not that strong, not yet. And I won't play those games. I know you don't mean to play them, but it's who you are. And I need stability. I need attention. You'd change, sure, for a while, but eventually, you'll slip back. You always have before. I can't risk my heart that you might do it this time, too."
And then he stood up. "Yeah, I understand man. I had to try. So, we're good?"
I stood up and hugged him. Hey, he's still my bro, still my friend. "Yeah. Like I said, In any capacity but that one."
Then he goes and gets Lee. And she walks in looking pissed. Guess he'd told her. Nothing like an angry pantheress to put you on edge. So, he starts telling her that she'd been unfair to me, dumping all her problems on me. That she'd been driving a wedge between Ub and me from the word go. She might not have been doing it consciously, but she was. I chimed in that she didn't have to sweat it, 'cause he and I weren't dating anymore. She took a breath, and her wall fell. She became a person again. I explained that they were gonna hafta keep talking to each other like this. That she'd have to keep coming to him when she had a problem. She swung back to angry, telling him that he needed to communicate too. Not having my dog in this fight anymore, I was detached. Told him he'd have to work on his problems too. Start with work, since it was at the top of his litany of woes. He agreed. Told him he had to work on his parents. He already had started. He mentioned he was raised to not make people uncomfortable. I laughed. With his parents?!? Apparently, it was a case of do as I say...I told him to rip out that wiring. It was breaking him more surely than anything else. I mean, yeah, sometimes the squeaky wheel gets the hammer, but more often than not, it gets the grease.
And that was basically it. I gave lee a hug, and left them to talk. Ub mentioned needing to talk to hex. I told him to let it wait until she got back from dropping her kids at grandma's. He agreed. Especially 'cause with a car full of cubs, her being angry would be a bad thing. Sides, I knew she was already mad at him.
So, when she got back, they talked. Xander, Cleveland (so named because he rocks. No clue as to his real name. He hails from San Fran originally...), Thor, Lee, and I watched the fights on TV. And after Hex and Ub walk back into the room, he flumps back down next to me, and starts rubbing my leg just like he did while we were dating...
Umm...did he miss the memo, or just ignore it utterly?
I get weirded out. I go back to Thor's room. Hex, Thor and Cleveland walk back in there with Apples to Apples. Thor hands me a cup loaded with vodka and Sunkist. I'm amazed, cause I know (now) he's trying to go sober. He hits his coffee, and I thank him gratefully. As we play, I relax more. After a full hand, and as we're starting our second one, Lee and Ub poke their heads in to see if I need a ride. I tell them I'm gonna crash there, cause it's closer to work than going home. Especially with the fubared weekend schedule for the bus.
So, they leave. And he smiles at me with the same look he had while we were dating. Oh jesus...he's still in love with me. Someone, anyone take my mind off this...
And Hex finally sounds off. She's ticked about the whole mess, but not at me. I mean, yeah, our game was derailed for my problem, but that's okay. As far as she was concerned, he had no right to come over and bring his little black raincloud over to rain on things. Especially as he was the cause of the problem. So, after she gets done venting, we troop out to the living room, and get another hand going. The vibe becomes jovial again. We still got to have fun together. Which is just what I needed. Then we watched the Kentucky Fried Movie. She'd never seen it, and I loved watching her face light up and take on that cute confuzzled look at various moments. Yeah, she and I dated for a while way back when, but we broke it off amicably. It wouldn't have worked. As laid back as I am as a friend, I'm more needy in a relationship, and she already had a full time partner. Hey, I was more worried about our friendship there too. But we made it work, and our friendship is stronger now than it ever was.
So, wrapped in a blanket of warmth and solidarity, I curled up and passed out.
Went to work the next day, and settled in. Sure, I wasn't as healed as I'd have liked, but hey, work is where I go to escape my woes. And it was a banal day. Worst thing I had to deal with was public transit getting home.
Same story yesterday too. So, I think I'm gonna be okay. Sure, I'm still a lil' raw, but the bleeding has mostly stopped. In a few days time, I should be right as rain. And in the meantime, I'm just gonna enjoy being single. Sure, I'm gonna miss the built in snuggles, and having someone to call my sweetheart.
Then again, with so many friends, all i'm gonna be missing is the physical perks. I've got all the love anyone could ask for. I can always snuggle up with a stuffie or five to take the edge off when I'm alone.
In the meantime, though...I've got some baking to do.