Fic: Time Lords Made Us Do It
A little crack fic I wrote on the best_enemies anon meme, which also serves as my entry for the audio challenge.
Title: Time Lords Made Us Do It
Rating: PG
Words: 979
Pairing: Doctor/Master
Characters: Romana, Brax, Leela, Narvin, K9
Spoilers: End of Time, vague Gallifrey spoilers
Summary: Betaed by x_los, who didn't even need to be prodded with a stick ;)
Rassilon's second rule had taken an unexpected turn and ended suddenly after the failure of his ill-conceived plan to go to Earth and become incorporeal. Most Time Lords expected things to go down the drain very quickly after that, but so far, time and the war had failed to come to an end. No one felt much inclined to have an election (it all seemed so futile), but in the vacuum left by Rassilon, the old government took care of business.
Frankly, Lady Romana wished she was at the front fighting Dalek degradations. Brax couldn't possibly be serious. But a dry little voice inside her head (that did not at all sound like Pandora) said that yes, of course he was. Brax was always serious when he smiled like that.
"So that is the plan," Braxiatel finished. "Are we all in favor of it?"
"Andred once showed me this psychic union you speak of," Leela said thoughtfully. "I was not impressed."
Coordinator Narvin made a horrible grimace that seemed to say: I did not need to know this. Romana privately agreed.
"Also," Leela said darkly, "I do not see how this will end the war."
"Unfortunately," Romana sighed, "I do. Do what you have to do, Braxiatel."
"Oh, it would be most inappropriate for me to interfere with the Doctor's private life like that, don't you think?" Braxiatel asked slyly. Romana glared at him, but she couldn't deny that Brax was right. Involving the Doctor's relatives would be one indignity too many.
"Very well. Narvin, Leela, K9, it's your job. Make it happen. And please - do spare me the gory details."
*
Probably to avenge themselves for getting this unwanted assignment, Narvin, Leela and K9 did not spare her the details.
Narvin was the first to report, and he did so with an expression of deepest disgust. "As per your request, Madam President, I had my men pluck the Doctor and the Master out of their respective time streams in the past. Since our profiles of the Doctor's third incarnation are the most complete, I decided that we would be most likely to succeed with this version of him."
"And what, pray, did you do to them? I hope it wasn't anything too drastic."
"We locked them up in a cell together."
"How very creative."
"Oh, it did have the desired results - after the many, many hours they wasted with bickering and escape attempts, I might add."
Romana sighed, both resigned and nostalgic. How many hours had she spent locked up with the Doctor, bickering? And yet it had never led to the 'desired results'. "But did it work?"
"No," Narvin said sourly. "Apparently this Master had the courtesy to keep his mental illnesses to himself. Now, if you will excuse me, I have a mindwipe to perform. On myself."
*
"...and then, when I had them both bound and gagged, I lit a fire and danced the dance of fertility for them," Leela explained, a lot more enthusiastic than Narvin had been. "The moon was full and the night was good for such things!"
"Oh my," Romana said. "How did they take it?"
"I have known only a few of the Doctor's selves," Leela said, "but I think the colourful one was not pleased with me."
"I can imagine," Romana snorted. "That version of the Doctor was very concerned about his dignity, no matter what his clothes might have led you to believe."
"But the Master seemed quite intrigued. He is not like other Time Lords," Leela mused. "Only one heart beats in his chest, and he is not afraid of his own desires. He said that if my 'alien ritual' required him to mate with the Doctor, he would be 'happy to oblige me'. He also asked if my ritual included drugs that might make the Doctor more willing."
"I hope you didn't - "
"I told him that I had already given both of them the moonroot juices while they were unconscious, and that soon, they would be free of their Time Lord prejudices, and their natural instincts would take over."
"Leela, don't you think that was a bit... unfair to the Doctor?"
"Oh," Leela said, "he did not seem to think so when the juices did their work. Neither did the Master. Their mating was good!"
"Omega save me! So did they... achieve a psychic union?"
"No. You Time Lords are a very foolish tribe. They began to argue again as soon as they recovered their senses. I had no choice but to let them go. Maybe K9 will have been more successful."
*
"Mistress," K9 said, "define 'saviour complex'?"
Sometimes Romana wondered where the little robot picked up these things. His curiosity was laudable, but he had a penchant for asking difficult questions. "Where did you get that idea?"
"The Master used this term, when he was told of our plan," the robot dog dutifully reported. "He used it to describe the Doctor. Explain?"
"Oh, so you've already completed your mission?"
"Affirmative."
"And how did it go?"
"Mission accomplished."
"K9! Well done! How did you ever manage that?"
"I sent a message to the other K9, on Earth."
"Other... oh, Sarah-Jane's K9. Go on."
"The other K9 relayed my message to the tenth incarnation of the Doctor."
"And what was that message?"
"'It is of vital importance for the fate of the universe that you have sexual intercourse with the Time Lord known as the Master, stop. You are our only hope, stop.'"
"That's... very direct."
"Other K9 observed and recorded subsequent events. Do you wish me to play that recording?"
Romana thought about it. She wondered if the tenth Doctor would be one of the good-looking ones. Well, there was always time to find out, now that they had won the war. "Not now," she decided. "But don't delete it, just in case."
Title: Time Lords Made Us Do It
Rating: PG
Words: 979
Pairing: Doctor/Master
Characters: Romana, Brax, Leela, Narvin, K9
Spoilers: End of Time, vague Gallifrey spoilers
Summary: Betaed by x_los, who didn't even need to be prodded with a stick ;)
Rassilon's second rule had taken an unexpected turn and ended suddenly after the failure of his ill-conceived plan to go to Earth and become incorporeal. Most Time Lords expected things to go down the drain very quickly after that, but so far, time and the war had failed to come to an end. No one felt much inclined to have an election (it all seemed so futile), but in the vacuum left by Rassilon, the old government took care of business.
Frankly, Lady Romana wished she was at the front fighting Dalek degradations. Brax couldn't possibly be serious. But a dry little voice inside her head (that did not at all sound like Pandora) said that yes, of course he was. Brax was always serious when he smiled like that.
"So that is the plan," Braxiatel finished. "Are we all in favor of it?"
"Andred once showed me this psychic union you speak of," Leela said thoughtfully. "I was not impressed."
Coordinator Narvin made a horrible grimace that seemed to say: I did not need to know this. Romana privately agreed.
"Also," Leela said darkly, "I do not see how this will end the war."
"Unfortunately," Romana sighed, "I do. Do what you have to do, Braxiatel."
"Oh, it would be most inappropriate for me to interfere with the Doctor's private life like that, don't you think?" Braxiatel asked slyly. Romana glared at him, but she couldn't deny that Brax was right. Involving the Doctor's relatives would be one indignity too many.
"Very well. Narvin, Leela, K9, it's your job. Make it happen. And please - do spare me the gory details."
*
Probably to avenge themselves for getting this unwanted assignment, Narvin, Leela and K9 did not spare her the details.
Narvin was the first to report, and he did so with an expression of deepest disgust. "As per your request, Madam President, I had my men pluck the Doctor and the Master out of their respective time streams in the past. Since our profiles of the Doctor's third incarnation are the most complete, I decided that we would be most likely to succeed with this version of him."
"And what, pray, did you do to them? I hope it wasn't anything too drastic."
"We locked them up in a cell together."
"How very creative."
"Oh, it did have the desired results - after the many, many hours they wasted with bickering and escape attempts, I might add."
Romana sighed, both resigned and nostalgic. How many hours had she spent locked up with the Doctor, bickering? And yet it had never led to the 'desired results'. "But did it work?"
"No," Narvin said sourly. "Apparently this Master had the courtesy to keep his mental illnesses to himself. Now, if you will excuse me, I have a mindwipe to perform. On myself."
*
"...and then, when I had them both bound and gagged, I lit a fire and danced the dance of fertility for them," Leela explained, a lot more enthusiastic than Narvin had been. "The moon was full and the night was good for such things!"
"Oh my," Romana said. "How did they take it?"
"I have known only a few of the Doctor's selves," Leela said, "but I think the colourful one was not pleased with me."
"I can imagine," Romana snorted. "That version of the Doctor was very concerned about his dignity, no matter what his clothes might have led you to believe."
"But the Master seemed quite intrigued. He is not like other Time Lords," Leela mused. "Only one heart beats in his chest, and he is not afraid of his own desires. He said that if my 'alien ritual' required him to mate with the Doctor, he would be 'happy to oblige me'. He also asked if my ritual included drugs that might make the Doctor more willing."
"I hope you didn't - "
"I told him that I had already given both of them the moonroot juices while they were unconscious, and that soon, they would be free of their Time Lord prejudices, and their natural instincts would take over."
"Leela, don't you think that was a bit... unfair to the Doctor?"
"Oh," Leela said, "he did not seem to think so when the juices did their work. Neither did the Master. Their mating was good!"
"Omega save me! So did they... achieve a psychic union?"
"No. You Time Lords are a very foolish tribe. They began to argue again as soon as they recovered their senses. I had no choice but to let them go. Maybe K9 will have been more successful."
*
"Mistress," K9 said, "define 'saviour complex'?"
Sometimes Romana wondered where the little robot picked up these things. His curiosity was laudable, but he had a penchant for asking difficult questions. "Where did you get that idea?"
"The Master used this term, when he was told of our plan," the robot dog dutifully reported. "He used it to describe the Doctor. Explain?"
"Oh, so you've already completed your mission?"
"Affirmative."
"And how did it go?"
"Mission accomplished."
"K9! Well done! How did you ever manage that?"
"I sent a message to the other K9, on Earth."
"Other... oh, Sarah-Jane's K9. Go on."
"The other K9 relayed my message to the tenth incarnation of the Doctor."
"And what was that message?"
"'It is of vital importance for the fate of the universe that you have sexual intercourse with the Time Lord known as the Master, stop. You are our only hope, stop.'"
"That's... very direct."
"Other K9 observed and recorded subsequent events. Do you wish me to play that recording?"
Romana thought about it. She wondered if the tenth Doctor would be one of the good-looking ones. Well, there was always time to find out, now that they had won the war. "Not now," she decided. "But don't delete it, just in case."