2014: Sober (for EVERYONE)
For: EVERYONE
From: ANONYMOUS until December 30, 2014
Title: Sober
Rating: NC-17
Pairing(s)/Focus: Baekhyun-centric, Baekhyun/Lay, onesided!Baekhyun/Chanyeol
Length: 6,200 words
Summary: Baekhyun is caught in a past love he can't seem to overcome
Warnings: Homophobic theme, mentions of self harm.
Notes: Thanks to my betas H and I, and my oppa D for encouraging me to continue when I couldn't. I'm sorry dear recipient if this isn't to your liking ;W;
"This is your fourth drink of the night. Are you sure you want it, Baekhyun?" The bartender's eyes flash with a look of uncertainty when Baekhyun nods his head and smiles. He reluctantly passes Baekhyun the tall glass before returning to his job. Byun Baekhyun was certainly a case that called for help. But what could he do, for Yixing was just a bartender.
~
Alcohol was something that Baekhyun depended on to lift his mood. He never liked living in the real world, and alcohol was something that seemed to always brighten up his dull life considerably - giving him that buzz that makes his toes curl, and his lips turn into a happy smile that remained fixated on his face for the remainder of his night.
People knew Baekhyun as the guy who was a happy, flirty drunk - the life of the party and the person everyone would flock to to have a good time. And Baekhyun knew how to keep his image with every shot given to him - the more Baekhyun accepted the drinks bought for him by kind strangers with wondering eyes, the more inebriated he got and the more outgoing and ‘fun' he became.
Friends were something Baekhyun didn't have much of, despite his popularity at clubs he regularly visited. In his ‘real' life, Baekhyun was a nobody who worked part-time shifts at a supermarket. Baekhyun was a nobody who lived alone and ate packets of ramyeon more often than he should. Baekhyun was a nobody whose loneliness was something that bought his dull life down even more.
It's not like anyone cared about who Baekhyun was outside of clubs. All they cared about was the way Baekhyun would roll his hips to the thumping music in the background, the way Baekhyun would bring life to a dying crowd, and the way Baekhyun would so easily smile his infamous rectangular smile to everyone who looked his way.
But nobody cared about, or noticed the hidden, faded scars that littered his arms. Not even when Baekhyun would ‘accidentally' let his sleeve ride up his arm, nobody noticed. Not even the smiles that wouldn't reach his eyes, and not even the heavy sighs he lets out when he thinks nobody is paying attention. No. They never noticed.
But then again - nobody came to clubs to be let down by somebody whose life is far from perfect. They came to get drunk, and to have fun, and Baekhyun knew the only way to numb the searing pain inside of his heart was to drink away his feelings and let the facade everybody seemed to love take over his body.
Because when he's under the influence, at least he could pretend all the smiles, and the glances he gets are actually meant for the real him. He could pretend the fleeting touches on his arms that send a wave of goosebumps cascading across his skin meant more than just "Come back to my place tonight. I can make you feel good."
Baekhyun just wanted to be the life of the party. He just wanted the attention he wouldn't usually get in his everyday life. He calls out for attention, even if it isn't in the form of words. He just wanted someone to notice him.
The club is hot, stifling hot and Baekhyun's dark hair is matted to his forehead with sweat. His shirt sticks uncomfortably to his back and his tighter than spandex jeans seem to constrict and tighten around his legs.
He's in the midst of swaying his hips to the beat of the song when he catches a glimpse of someone he'd least expected to be at a club on a Saturday night. The positive energy that was once thrumming throughout his body begins to numb. It feels like the world is slowly spinning to a stop.
Park Chanyeol wasn't just the man he'd grown up with and spent most of his life with. Park Chanyeol was the man he had fallen head over heels for, when Baekhyun had first found out he liked men more than he had liked women.
He remembers it even now, the way his throat caught when Chanyeol had undressed in front of him in the locker rooms all those years ago. The way that with just the mere sight of Chanyeol's exposed back made his fingertips itch to reach out and touch the soft skin.
But he had never told Chanyeol how he felt. He never told Chanyeol that the hugs they gave each other meant more than anything to Baekhyun; that the nights spent in his room as they watched movies and played video games were his favourite memories of growing up.
How could he though? Chanyeol is straight. Always had been.
In a world where being attracted to the same sex was a "joke" or "a freak of nature", it was hard for Baekhyun. He grew up pretending to love breasts, and the pretty curves of pretty girls, when really, Baekhyun preferred the broad shoulders of men, their chiselled jawlines and their muscular arms. He preferred to be the one sought after, instead of conforming to social norms and chasing after women.
It has been three years since he last heard of Chanyeol. He has heard from a mutual that Chanyeol was engaged, and soon to be married to a lovely young woman by the name of Sandara Park. It shouldn't have hurt as much as it did when Baekhyun heard the news, because he knew it all along. He knows Chanyeol is straight, he knew that Chanyeol marrying a pretty girl was bound to happen, but it still hurt. It was like a sharp icicle had been stabbed straight into his chest, freezing and numbing his heart that was already cracked and overstrung.
He's brought back into reality when Chanyeol finally notices him and waves a hand at him. Baekhyun tries to reciprocate with a smile, but all he feels is the insides of his stomach churning. He starts to feel light headed, and the back of his throat tastes like stale alcohol and vomit.
Chanyeol doesn't seem to notice the change and begins walking towards Baekhyun, his face lit up with the same smile that had haunted Baekhyun's dreams since high school. He has his hair different, Baekhyun realises. What used to be long hair with wispy strands that framed his boyish face, turned into a well styled coif, showing off his now well defined handsome face. His features are still the same, but there's something different Baekhyun can't quite put his finger on. Chanyeol looks... different.
His heart rate picks up as Chanyeol inches closer to him, towering over almost all of the patrons on the dance floor. Baekhyun begins panicking. He is not ready to see Chanyeol, he has not been ready since the day he last spoken to him. Baekhyun quickly backs up, pushing past the people that had flocked around him and ignoring the calls of his name.
Baekhyun does the only thing he is good at: running away.
The cool air hits him first when he exits; the music turns into a dull throb when the door closes with a heavy thud behind him. Cigarette smoke mixes in with the crisp city air and it hurts to breathe. He bypasses men and women ignoring their greetings, to get as far away as he can from the club. His head throbs and his stomach begins to disagree with his body. The churning feeling in his stomach begins to amplify by tenfold, and suddenly he is hunched over spilling out the contents of his stomach onto the icy ground.
With every heave, Baekhyun finds tears beginning to brim around the edges of his eyes. The hurt he had hidden deep inside of his body resurfaces as images of Chanyeol begin to fill his vision. Chanyeol looks different; Chanyeol isn't the same person he remembers. Gone is the greasy, unstyled hair, gone is the big framed glasses and the awkward bow-legged walking. Chanyeol has changed, and he knows it's for the better.
His throat begins to burn, and his nose stings as more remnants of his stomach begins to come up. His hands find purchase on the bricked wall in front of him, acting as a foundation for his sudden unstable legs as if his bones had been turned into jelly.
A presence suddenly makes itself known behind him, but Baekhyun finds that he doesn't care. They can watch him vomit up all his insides for all that matters.
"Let it all out, Baekhyun." the soft voice says as a hand comes to rub his back in soothing circles.
Baekhyun stiffens at the sound of a familiar accented voice.
"Y-Yixing?" he croaks, taking in a deep breath before he heaves up again, fluids hitting the ground in a continuous splat.
A hum is Yixing's response, his hand never ceasing its soothing movements on Baekhyun's back. Warmth blooms in Baekhyun's chest when Yixing continues to murmur soft words of encouragement, telling him in his lilted accented voice that he'll be fine and to continue letting it all out.
Baekhyun chokes back a sob when he finally finishes, pushing himself off the wall to wipe his mouth with the back of his sleeve. When Yixing's arm finds its way around Baekhyun's midriff to keep the him from swaying and falling over, he almost leans back into the touch. The warmth that radiated off Yixing seeps into his back, the scent of musky aftershave and something sweet fills his senses.
He is pulled out of his reverie when Yixing turns him around to frown at his appearance. Baekhyun almost blushes being this close to a male, but he stops himself before he embarrasses himself even more.
"I'll call a taxi for you, okay Baekhyun? You should go home." Yixing says quietly. Baekhyun almost doesn't catch it, too far revelling into Yixing's touch to even pay attention. So when the safety of Yixing's arm leaves his body, he is quick to reach out for Yixing's wrist, tugging it slightly back towards him.
"Please, don't leave me." It comes out before Baekhyun had a chance to stop himself, and he feels his heart begin to plummet into his stomach when Yixing stares blankly at the hand grasping his wrist. "I-I mean..."
The sound of raucous laughter from the patrons smoking outside fills the silence that had fallen upon the two males. Baekhyun shuffles awkwardly in his spot, averting his eyes away from Yixing's face to look at the ground. He releases Yixing's wrist and shrugs his shoulders, trying to play off what had just happened earlier.
Yixing scratches the back of his head and clears his throat. "I should call the taxi for you. I have to get back to work before Junmyeon finds out I'm not manning the bar."
~
Baekhyun's head is still spinning from the effects of alcohol when he steps into the taxi. Yixing had given him a bottle of water to drink and he holds it against his forehead, willing it to cool down his body. As he watches the neon sign of the club gradually become smaller and smaller in the distance, Baekhyun wonders where Chanyeol had disappeared off to. When he had entered the club again, he noticed that Chanyeol had gone. It made Baekhyun relieved, but almost sad at the same time. It had been so long since he had seen Chanyeol.
Baekhyun is now 25, working a minimum wage job. His parents had cut contact with him when he had refused to date the daughter of his father's boss. He scoffs, thinking about how stupid his family was, kicking him out of his house to live on his own at the mere age of 20. There was no way Baekhyun could face Chanyeol with his sad sob story, not when the younger had managed a job at his father's company, probably earning triple the amount Baekhyun earns in a month in only a week.
Maybe they could've caught up, maybe they could've reignited their friendship, told each other what was going on with their lives like back in the good old days.
He finds he misses Chanyeol when he really thinks about it, but he knows it's for the better that they don't speak to each other anymore. It wouldn't be good for Chanyeol if Baekhyun told him the truth as to why he had stopped talking to him, stopped replying to his messages and picking up his calls. Chanyeol didn't deserve someone like Baekhyun, he deserved so much more.
Sandara is a lucky girl. Baekhyun knows this for sure. He knows Chanyeol is one of the most kind-hearted, most genuine people to walk the planet. He knows Chanyeol is a gentle giant, and that he would cater to every one of her needs. Because Chanyeol was like that growing up, always there for Baekhyun, always being so generous and affectionate.
But Chanyeol will never like Baekhyun the way Baekhyun likes him.
~
Baekhyun hates Thursday night shifts.
It is the only night Baekhyun has to work until closing, which unluckily for him, is midnight. After 10PM the amount of customers dwindles to almost none.
Baekhyun absentmindedly scratches at one of the scars decorating his forearm as he sits idly by the register. It's 11:40PM but it feels even later. The clock sitting behind him seems to be going in slow motion. Kyungsoo had only left 10 minutes ago, leaving Baekhyun in charge of locking up the store.
The bell above the door chimes and Baekhyun quickly pulls down his sleeve. He least expected to see Yixing, eyebags prominent under his eyes as he picks up a can of energy drink by the register. He's bundled up in a large red scarf that hides half of his face and a tremendously ugly purple beanie. The green parka he's wearing is two sizes too big for him, and Baekhyun finds the red tint on Yixing's nose almost endearing.
Yixing doesn't notice Baekhyun until after he places the can on the counter and takes out his wallet.
"Oh, Baekhyun! I didn't realise you work here," Yixing exclaims. Baekhyun winces at the loud tone, almost sounding like a nearby clap of thunder after being in a silent store for the most part of two hours.
"Ah, yeah," Baekhyun hums in acknowledgement as he scans the drink and waits patiently for Yixing to give him the money.
Yixing is amidst handing Baekhyun the money when he stops halfway and looks up. "How are you feeling?"
Baekhyun is too flustered to reply at first. No one usually cared enough about him to ask how he was feeling and it is somewhat weird. Yixing barely knows him.
"I-I feel fine, thanks," Baekhyun murmurs, his hand still held out towards Yixing, awaiting for the money to be placed there. Yixing nods his head, but his eyes seem to scan Baekhyun's features. It almost feels like Yixing can see right through him and Baekhyun, again, almost blushes under Yixing's intense gaze.
"Ah, that's good. You just… still look a little sick from last weekend. I hope you didn't catch anything, it is getting colder now that it's almost Christmas." Yixing passes Baekhyun the money before picking up his drink. He doesn't wait for Baekhyun to ring up the purchase and give him his change, instead he backs up and walks towards the door. Baekhyun expects the bell above the door to chime, but after a few moments of silence, he looks up to be met by Yixing's endearing smile.
"It's snowing," he shrugs when he notices Baekhyun's confused face. He pulls the tab on his energy drink and takes a long sip, gesturing outside. "I've noticed that there are no cars nearby, so I'm guessing you must've taken a bus or walked here. I could give you a lift if you'd like."
Baekhyun splutters and looks outside the windows, and true to Yixing's words it has started snowing. Small flecks of white fall lazily to the ground, almost glowing under the luminescent glow of the orange streetlight. Baekhyun shakes his head immediately. "I… I only live 10 minutes away," he manages. "I should be fine."
Baekhyun doesn't know if he's imagining it, but Yixing's face seems to fall a little. "Are you sure?"
"Y-Yeah," Baekhyun affirms, ringing up Yixing's purchase and taking out the right amount of change for him. "Here's your change, by the way."
Yixing nods, walking up to Baekhyun and taking the money. Their fingers briefly brush and a wave of goosebumps unwillingly pricks at Baekhyun's arms. Yixing stares at him, his hand still held out in midair even when Baekhyun had quickly retracted his own away when their fingers had brushed.
"If not, then please stay safe. Here's uh, my number… Call me if you need anything," Yixing says shyly, reaching into his pocket to pull out a small slip of paper with his number neatly scrawled onto it.
As Yixing is leaving, Baekhyun looks up from fumbling with the small slip of paper to ask: "Why do you carry around your number on a slip of paper?"
Yixing looks back over his shoulder and smiles, and if the sun is bright, then Yixing's smile is a thousand times brighter. "Oh, I know you work here," he says softly before disappearing out the door and across the street.
Baekhyun looks at the now closed door with his mouth agape. He feels the telltale thump thump of his heart, and he allows the small blush he has been hiding to creep up his face and blooms across his cheeks.
That night after Baekhyun arrives home with a runny nose and numb fingers, he falls asleep with the picture of a handsome Chinese bartender with endearing dimples and a parka two sizes too big for him imprinted into the back of his eyelids.
~
It's funny how whenever something seems to go up for Baekhyun, another thing will come along to cause his happiness to come plummeting down.
Baekhyun's fingers tremble when he picks up the thick silver envelope lying in the entryway to his home. His name is written in pretty English cursive across the front, and even without opening it he knows what it is. After shutting his front door behind him, and haphazardly throwing his keys into the key bowl next to the door, Baekhyun hesitantly begins to open the envelope.
His suspicion is confirmed when he is greeted by a thick cream coloured card with names printed glaring back at him.
"Mr. Byun Baekhyun,
You are cordially invited to celebrate the wedding of Park Sandara & Park Chanyeol…"
Chanyeol is going to get married. The man he fell so in love with and the man he spent most of his life growing up with is going to get married. And receiving an invitation to the wedding just makes it all even more real.
What hurts the most is that after 3 years of not speaking to each other, Chanyeol still knows where Baekhyun lives. Chanyeol came up 3 flights of stairs to drop off the invitation at his home instead of putting it in his postbox in the foyer. Even though Chanyeol looks different, more handsome, more defined around the edges, he still is the same person Baekhyun grew up with, always being so thoughtful.
And maybe that's why Baekhyun fell in love with Chanyeol. Everything about him is loveable, from the way his face contorts akin to a seal when he laughs, to the way he whines and pouts when he doesn't get something he wants. Being friends with Chanyeol for so long was definitely never boring. Chanyeol was like a light, a beacon to Baekhyun's pathetic life, and cutting contact from him for so long was the stem of the reason why Baekhyun's life began spiralling down into nothing.
When Baekhyun's fingers grasp around the neck of a soju bottle, brief memories flashes by of when he was in highschool, trying alcohol with Chanyeol for the first time. He should be happy for Chanyeol, finding the love of his life and getting married. Baekhyun tries to think about it positively, but the bitterness in his heart seeps out and blackens his thoughts, so all he can think about is Chanyeol will never be the same.
The first sip is different. There's no laugh, no best friend to make fun of the face he pulls. All he hears is silence, accompanied by the rapid beating of his broken heart.
It isn't long after when Baekhyun finds himself too out of it to figure out what is happening around him. All he feels is how cold he is, how cold he feels as the last bottle of soju leaves his fingers and the glass bottle shatters just like his heart when it smashes into the tiled floor of his kitchen.
His head is spinning and his stomach churns unpleasantly. The artificial white light illuminating his kitchen seems as bright as a floodlight to his unfocused eyes. The invitation is left laying in a puddle of alcohol, the inked words starting to run as the liquid seeps into the thick card.
He hears his front door barging open just when he falls into a sitting position and allows his head to loll back to rest against his kitchen drawers. Shortly afterwards, he hears the sound of feet padding down his entranceway. His eyes are barely open when he feels arms around him and a familiar gentle accented voice asking him if everything's okay.
"Come on, Baekhyun. We need to get you to the couch," Yixing says softly, pulling Baekhyun up by his waist and cautiously bypassing the shards of glass scattered dangerously across the floor. Baekhyun easily complies, holding onto Yixing as the elder male leads him away from the kitchen and to the comfort of his couch.
The world isn't spinning as much anymore, and he doesn't feel so cold. Yixing's warmth seeps like invisible tendrils into his skin, flowing through every fibre of his body until it reaches his chest where most of the warmth had already begun to bloom. Baekhyun allows Yixing to oh-so-carefully place him onto the couch, allows Yixing to brush away the strands of hair that frame his face and allows Yixing to take care of him like no one ever has.
"What happened, Baek?" Yixing asks, kneeling down in front of Baekhyun as he uses the back of his sleeve to wipe away the stray tears Baekhyun didn't even know he had let escape. Baekhyun's heart stutters in his chest when Yixing's face contorts into worry. It has been so long since anybody has ever cared about him.
Baekhyun shakes his head, not wanting to explain how broken-hearted he feels because he is in love with a straight man who is getting married soon. He doesn't want to scare the only person who cares enough to come looking for him away. Yixing doesn't know, and he doesn't have to know.
"H-How did you know where I live?" he asks instead of replying, but his hand has a mind of its own, somehow finding its way around Yixing's wrist.
"I was worried when I didn't see you at the club tonight. You didn't even call me once even when I gave you my number," Yixing says softly, taking Baekhyun's free hand in his own. "I went to your workplace, and your co-worker, the one with the big eyes, he said he has not seen you since last night. He gave me your address and I came here straight away," he pauses to smile. "You also forgot to lock your door, pabo."
Baekhyun doesn't know how it happened. One moment he's listening to Yixing talk, listening to the way Yixing's accent curls around the vowels leaving his mouth, but somehow Baekhyun's eyes train on the way Yixing's lips part as he speaks, the swell of his bottom lip, the soft pink that blends so prettily with the pale of his skin.
And suddenly the next moment, Baekhyun is leaning towards Yixing, crashing those pretty pink lips into his. He doesn't think about the consequences. Yixing's lips definitely feel as soft as they look, and taste as sweet as the smile they would form into.
Baekhyun tries, he tries to part Yixing's lips with his tongue. He's trying to get a response out of Yixing, but Yixing doesn't move an inch; his lips remain firmly shut. Baekhyun pulls back, and the figure of Yixing begins to blur as his eyes begin to fill with unshed tears. His nose stings, but his heart stings even more. "Please, Yixing. Please tell me you want it, too. That you want… me, too," he stutters, and his voice breaks.
Baekhyun hears Yixing's hesitation to form a sentence, and he feels his heart deflate. There's a stifling moment of silence before Yixing finally replies, and his voice is too soft, too apologetic for Baekhyun's liking. "I'm so sorry, Baekhyun, I… I didn't mean to make you feel this way."
A sense of anger, of hurt and anguish begins to boil in Baekhyun's veins. What does Yixing mean? How could Yixing so easily play with his heart just to crush it like dust between his fingers?
"Then why are you here?" Baekhyun cries, allowing the feeling of hurt to amplify in his chest. He pushes Yixing away as his tears finally spill out. "Why the fuck did you come here? Why do you care? Why are you playing with me?!" he doesn't hear Yixing's response, too caught up in sobbing into his hands to even care. "Why did you make it seem like you wanted me?!"
"No- No, Baek. Please, you need to understand. I didn't want any of this to happen," Yixing tries, and Baekhyun is suddenly pulled into a warm embrace, his head nuzzled into Yixing's chest, his body leaning into Yixing's for support. He's too weak to pull away, not angry enough to do so, so Baekhyun remains there, breathing in Yixing's sweet scent. "You just… I…"
"Please tell me, is there something wrong with me?" Baekhyun cries into Yixing's chest, his hands finding purchase on Yixing's jumper. "Is there something you don't like about me? Am I disgusting for liking men?"
Yixing coos softly and runs his fingers soothingly through Baekhyun's hair, his other hand rubbing soft circles on Baekhyun's back. "No, Baek," he replies quietly. "Nothing is wrong with you, you can love whoever you want."
But Baekhyun only cries harder, because the man he loves is getting married. His best friend, his first crush... He should have known it. Chanyeol doesn't like him in the same way Baekhyun does, and Yixing is too good to be true. Nothing ever seems to be going right for Baekhyun.
They sit there in silence for a while, his face buried into Yixing's chest as the elder continues muttering sweet nothings to him. Yixing's jumper is soaked with tears when Baekhyun finally pulls back, physically unable to shed any more tears after crying for so long.
"You remind me of my brother back in China, you know," Yixing begins out of nowhere when Baekhyun seats himself between Yixing's legs, not wanting to move away from the warmth radiating off the elder male. He sniffles softly, and nods his head, urging the Chinese male to continue. "He's a lot like you, happy on the outside, but… dead on the inside. Lu Han's a great person, a great brother, a great everything. He's the most kind-hearted person I know."
"I mean, I always knew he preferred men over women. He never took interest in those women our father tried to shove his way. There was nothing wrong with the girls, they were all beautiful and came from well-off families, had great manners, the kind of girls you'd take home to show your parents. But Lu Han, he… just didn't want them. He ended up seeing one of his friends behind our parents' back. I don't know if he's still seeing him, but I have never seen Lu Han so happy."
"But I guess where I'm getting at is that you really remind me of him, the way your eyes linger on men when you think they aren't looking, the way you put on a fake facade to make people happy because your life is far from where you want it to be. So I felt this connection towards you, I felt like I had to watch over you."
Yixing holds Baekhyun's hand in his and smiles softly. His fingers fumble around Baekhyun's, and Baekhyun elicits a tiny whine. "Baekhyun, you may think that no one would accept you because of your preferences, but you don't need to hide it. There's nothing wrong with you."
Baekhyun doesn't have time to reply before the press of soft, warm lips against his. Calloused hands running through his hair, while leaving soft bites on his lips. Baekhyun falls pliantly into Yixing's embrace again, kissing back with so much fervour that it leaves his head giddy. But good things always come to an end, and Yixing pulls away, leaving Baekhyun breathless and flustered. His cheeks are on fire, and his legs feel like jelly. His heart is beating so much faster than normal rate, and oh God he couldn't keep his eyes away from Yixing's spit slicked lips.
"I won't be able to give you true love, which is what you want the most. I'm sorry for that. But I can be your foundation, I can be someone you come to when you're upset. Just know that… you don't have to go through this alone."
"Could you at least give me one thing, Yixing?" Baekhyun breathes softly, his hands quivering as they find purchase on Yixing's jumper. "It doesn't have to mean anything, I just… please make me feel loved."
Baekhyun inhales a shaky breath when Yixing leans into him to whisper a quiet: "Then take me to your room."
~
The bed is soft underneath Baekhyun, bedsheets creasing as he moves back to allow space for Yixing to kneel in front of him. All remaining light around the room centres in on them, and Baekhyun can feel the way his heart picks up its pace when Yixing leans into him again.
It's gentle, unlike the kiss from earlier. Yixing is gentle as he melds his lips against Baekhyun's, allows him time to get used to it before he is licking at the seam of Baekhyun's lips. Baekhyun opens his mouth pliantly and from then on it's history.
Slowly, he falls back until his head feels the softness of his pillows beneath him. Yixing's hands mischievously skitter up his shirt, cool fingers pressing in to smooth the skin of his stomach. Baekhyun lays prettily on the bed, pink-lipped and open for Yixing to slot himself on top. There's nothing too demanding in his eyes, just a simple flicker of want that tells Baekhyun everything.
Piece by piece, items of clothing fall onto the floor until all that's left is Baekhyun panting breathlessly as Yixing slides a rough hand up his naked thigh and towards his hardening member.
"Have you done this before?" Yixing asks, voice gentle, as soft as the small kisses being peppered into his neck.
Baekhyun stutters, unable to think of anything but how Yixing's hand is so closely laying next to his hard member. "Only once before," he replies, and it isn't a lie. One night out with too many drinks and he had somehow found himself face first into an unfamiliar bed with an unknown male pounding into him.
Yixing hums. "I promise I'll be gentle in that case. Do you have any lube?"
Baekhyun nods and points to one of his drawers by his bed. He patiently waits for Yixing to find it, trying to calm down his nerves at the same time. The sound of the lid uncapping is unexpected and it causes Baekhyun to tense up slightly,
"Just relax, I won't hurt you," Yixing soothes him gently, climbing onto the bed and back in between Baekhyun's legs.
Cool slick fingers are pressed up against the ring of Baekhyun's entrance as another hand comes to rub soothingly into the flesh of his hips. "This may feel a bit uncomfortable," Yixing whispers as he pushes a single finger in, slowly. The pressure hurts at first, the burn of something foreign isn't something Baekhyun is used to, but after a small amount of time he adjusts and nods his head at Yixing to continue.
Another finger is inserted, then another and Yixing is so skillfully loosening up Baekhyun that after a while he doesn't know if he can take any more when Yixing is hitting that perfect spot deep inside him.
Baekhyun almost whines when Yixing pulls his fingers out. "I need to put on a condom," Yixing says breathlessly, standing up to fish the condoms out from the same drawer Baekhyun keeps his lube in.
"N-No," Baekhyun quickly stops Yixing by grabbing onto his wrist. Yixing looks at Baekhyun curiously, causing the younger male to blush, looking anywhere but at the male in front of him. "I-I want to feel you… in me."
Yixing is silent for a moment, and Baekhyun can almost feel the rejection coming, but he is surprised when Yixing answers with a soft "ah, okay then.." before he's taking his position between Baekhyun's legs again.
Yixing softly kisses Baekhyun, one hand grasping at the dips of Baekhyun's waist while his other hand reaches for the lube again. There's a moment of pause in which Baekhyun feels only Yixing's sweet kisses and the movement of his arm as he lubes himself up.
Then, slowly, Yixing presses into him until he's buried to the hilt. It's unrushed, leisurely at first, with Baekhyun trying to accommodate Yixing's girth and Yixing trying to be as gentle as possible.
"Am I hurting you?" Yixing asks, carefully pulling out to thrust back in again. Baekhyun shakes his head, although it is a bit uncomfortable, it definitely doesn't hurt.
"No, it's f-fine," Baekhyun responds, clenching around Yixing and causing a small moan to elicit out of the elder male.
"Okay, just- just tell me if it hurts."
Yixing begins to pick up the pace and slowly, slowly the initial uncomfortableness of it all begins to ebb away. Suddenly, Baekhyun's senses seem to tune into Yixing; he can feel everything. From the slight curve of Yixing's cock now repeatedly pressing into his prostate, to the way Yixing's hands are squeezing and loosening around Baekhyun's waist as he lets out small moans of pleasure into Baekhyun's ear.
Baekhyun closes his eyes and imagines him as Chanyeol, and as bad as that may be, he knows he won't be able to reach his climax without doing so. And although Yixing is definitely not as broad, not as tall as Chanyeol is, it isn't hard to do when pictures of his best friend fill his mind.
Yixing shifts his position slightly, and suddenly Baekhyun's world turns white.
"Oh G-God..." Baekhyun moans, his hands coming to grasp into Yixing's hair. He imagines it as Chanyeol nipping at his neck, that it's Chanyeol pounding him into the bed sheets and his cock jumps at the mere thought. Imagining Chanyeol was enough to make his eyes roll into the back of his head and the lower part of his stomach to begin coiling.
Baekhyun can feel Yixing's pace begin to stutter and he knows that they're both close. He elicits a small whine when Yixing's arms wrap around him, and he's pulling Baekhyun up onto his lap. Baekhyun closes his eyes and leans into Yixing's shoulder, riding him until he can feel the coil in his stomach a second away from snapping.
Yixing mutters something in Mandarin under his breath when he comes deep inside Baekhyun, fingers clenching and unclenching around Baekhyun's hips. Baekhyun follows shortly after, coming all over himself and Yixing to the image of Chanyeol's sweaty and debauched face.
~
When Baekhyun wakes up, he can hear the sound of Yixing's gentle breathing resounding across the room. His body aches and it hurts to move, but he feels a weird sort of satisfaction build up in him when he thinks about the event of last night. It was nice to be the one being loved, being worshipped instead of the other way round.
Even if Yixing is perfect and is probably the only person he knows that understands him, he knows that the feelings for Chanyeol will never leave him, and because of that Baekhyun thinks that maybe he and Yixing don't have to be a thing, that they don't have to be in a relationship, because Baekhyun doesn't know if he could ever love anyone the way he loved Chanyeol. Maybe one day soon, Baekhyun will find someone to change that, to change his view on people and to fall in love again.
But for now, Baekhyun is happy with what he has. Maybe he should go to Chanyeol's wedding, rekindle the fire in their friendship, and even though it may hurt to see Chanyeol in love with someone else, at least he knows Chanyeol is happy.
And really, Baekhyun can never ask for more.
From: ANONYMOUS until December 30, 2014
Title: Sober
Rating: NC-17
Pairing(s)/Focus: Baekhyun-centric, Baekhyun/Lay, onesided!Baekhyun/Chanyeol
Length: 6,200 words
Summary: Baekhyun is caught in a past love he can't seem to overcome
Warnings: Homophobic theme, mentions of self harm.
Notes: Thanks to my betas H and I, and my oppa D for encouraging me to continue when I couldn't. I'm sorry dear recipient if this isn't to your liking ;W;
"This is your fourth drink of the night. Are you sure you want it, Baekhyun?" The bartender's eyes flash with a look of uncertainty when Baekhyun nods his head and smiles. He reluctantly passes Baekhyun the tall glass before returning to his job. Byun Baekhyun was certainly a case that called for help. But what could he do, for Yixing was just a bartender.
~
Alcohol was something that Baekhyun depended on to lift his mood. He never liked living in the real world, and alcohol was something that seemed to always brighten up his dull life considerably - giving him that buzz that makes his toes curl, and his lips turn into a happy smile that remained fixated on his face for the remainder of his night.
People knew Baekhyun as the guy who was a happy, flirty drunk - the life of the party and the person everyone would flock to to have a good time. And Baekhyun knew how to keep his image with every shot given to him - the more Baekhyun accepted the drinks bought for him by kind strangers with wondering eyes, the more inebriated he got and the more outgoing and ‘fun' he became.
Friends were something Baekhyun didn't have much of, despite his popularity at clubs he regularly visited. In his ‘real' life, Baekhyun was a nobody who worked part-time shifts at a supermarket. Baekhyun was a nobody who lived alone and ate packets of ramyeon more often than he should. Baekhyun was a nobody whose loneliness was something that bought his dull life down even more.
It's not like anyone cared about who Baekhyun was outside of clubs. All they cared about was the way Baekhyun would roll his hips to the thumping music in the background, the way Baekhyun would bring life to a dying crowd, and the way Baekhyun would so easily smile his infamous rectangular smile to everyone who looked his way.
But nobody cared about, or noticed the hidden, faded scars that littered his arms. Not even when Baekhyun would ‘accidentally' let his sleeve ride up his arm, nobody noticed. Not even the smiles that wouldn't reach his eyes, and not even the heavy sighs he lets out when he thinks nobody is paying attention. No. They never noticed.
But then again - nobody came to clubs to be let down by somebody whose life is far from perfect. They came to get drunk, and to have fun, and Baekhyun knew the only way to numb the searing pain inside of his heart was to drink away his feelings and let the facade everybody seemed to love take over his body.
Because when he's under the influence, at least he could pretend all the smiles, and the glances he gets are actually meant for the real him. He could pretend the fleeting touches on his arms that send a wave of goosebumps cascading across his skin meant more than just "Come back to my place tonight. I can make you feel good."
Baekhyun just wanted to be the life of the party. He just wanted the attention he wouldn't usually get in his everyday life. He calls out for attention, even if it isn't in the form of words. He just wanted someone to notice him.
The club is hot, stifling hot and Baekhyun's dark hair is matted to his forehead with sweat. His shirt sticks uncomfortably to his back and his tighter than spandex jeans seem to constrict and tighten around his legs.
He's in the midst of swaying his hips to the beat of the song when he catches a glimpse of someone he'd least expected to be at a club on a Saturday night. The positive energy that was once thrumming throughout his body begins to numb. It feels like the world is slowly spinning to a stop.
Park Chanyeol wasn't just the man he'd grown up with and spent most of his life with. Park Chanyeol was the man he had fallen head over heels for, when Baekhyun had first found out he liked men more than he had liked women.
He remembers it even now, the way his throat caught when Chanyeol had undressed in front of him in the locker rooms all those years ago. The way that with just the mere sight of Chanyeol's exposed back made his fingertips itch to reach out and touch the soft skin.
But he had never told Chanyeol how he felt. He never told Chanyeol that the hugs they gave each other meant more than anything to Baekhyun; that the nights spent in his room as they watched movies and played video games were his favourite memories of growing up.
How could he though? Chanyeol is straight. Always had been.
In a world where being attracted to the same sex was a "joke" or "a freak of nature", it was hard for Baekhyun. He grew up pretending to love breasts, and the pretty curves of pretty girls, when really, Baekhyun preferred the broad shoulders of men, their chiselled jawlines and their muscular arms. He preferred to be the one sought after, instead of conforming to social norms and chasing after women.
It has been three years since he last heard of Chanyeol. He has heard from a mutual that Chanyeol was engaged, and soon to be married to a lovely young woman by the name of Sandara Park. It shouldn't have hurt as much as it did when Baekhyun heard the news, because he knew it all along. He knows Chanyeol is straight, he knew that Chanyeol marrying a pretty girl was bound to happen, but it still hurt. It was like a sharp icicle had been stabbed straight into his chest, freezing and numbing his heart that was already cracked and overstrung.
He's brought back into reality when Chanyeol finally notices him and waves a hand at him. Baekhyun tries to reciprocate with a smile, but all he feels is the insides of his stomach churning. He starts to feel light headed, and the back of his throat tastes like stale alcohol and vomit.
Chanyeol doesn't seem to notice the change and begins walking towards Baekhyun, his face lit up with the same smile that had haunted Baekhyun's dreams since high school. He has his hair different, Baekhyun realises. What used to be long hair with wispy strands that framed his boyish face, turned into a well styled coif, showing off his now well defined handsome face. His features are still the same, but there's something different Baekhyun can't quite put his finger on. Chanyeol looks... different.
His heart rate picks up as Chanyeol inches closer to him, towering over almost all of the patrons on the dance floor. Baekhyun begins panicking. He is not ready to see Chanyeol, he has not been ready since the day he last spoken to him. Baekhyun quickly backs up, pushing past the people that had flocked around him and ignoring the calls of his name.
Baekhyun does the only thing he is good at: running away.
The cool air hits him first when he exits; the music turns into a dull throb when the door closes with a heavy thud behind him. Cigarette smoke mixes in with the crisp city air and it hurts to breathe. He bypasses men and women ignoring their greetings, to get as far away as he can from the club. His head throbs and his stomach begins to disagree with his body. The churning feeling in his stomach begins to amplify by tenfold, and suddenly he is hunched over spilling out the contents of his stomach onto the icy ground.
With every heave, Baekhyun finds tears beginning to brim around the edges of his eyes. The hurt he had hidden deep inside of his body resurfaces as images of Chanyeol begin to fill his vision. Chanyeol looks different; Chanyeol isn't the same person he remembers. Gone is the greasy, unstyled hair, gone is the big framed glasses and the awkward bow-legged walking. Chanyeol has changed, and he knows it's for the better.
His throat begins to burn, and his nose stings as more remnants of his stomach begins to come up. His hands find purchase on the bricked wall in front of him, acting as a foundation for his sudden unstable legs as if his bones had been turned into jelly.
A presence suddenly makes itself known behind him, but Baekhyun finds that he doesn't care. They can watch him vomit up all his insides for all that matters.
"Let it all out, Baekhyun." the soft voice says as a hand comes to rub his back in soothing circles.
Baekhyun stiffens at the sound of a familiar accented voice.
"Y-Yixing?" he croaks, taking in a deep breath before he heaves up again, fluids hitting the ground in a continuous splat.
A hum is Yixing's response, his hand never ceasing its soothing movements on Baekhyun's back. Warmth blooms in Baekhyun's chest when Yixing continues to murmur soft words of encouragement, telling him in his lilted accented voice that he'll be fine and to continue letting it all out.
Baekhyun chokes back a sob when he finally finishes, pushing himself off the wall to wipe his mouth with the back of his sleeve. When Yixing's arm finds its way around Baekhyun's midriff to keep the him from swaying and falling over, he almost leans back into the touch. The warmth that radiated off Yixing seeps into his back, the scent of musky aftershave and something sweet fills his senses.
He is pulled out of his reverie when Yixing turns him around to frown at his appearance. Baekhyun almost blushes being this close to a male, but he stops himself before he embarrasses himself even more.
"I'll call a taxi for you, okay Baekhyun? You should go home." Yixing says quietly. Baekhyun almost doesn't catch it, too far revelling into Yixing's touch to even pay attention. So when the safety of Yixing's arm leaves his body, he is quick to reach out for Yixing's wrist, tugging it slightly back towards him.
"Please, don't leave me." It comes out before Baekhyun had a chance to stop himself, and he feels his heart begin to plummet into his stomach when Yixing stares blankly at the hand grasping his wrist. "I-I mean..."
The sound of raucous laughter from the patrons smoking outside fills the silence that had fallen upon the two males. Baekhyun shuffles awkwardly in his spot, averting his eyes away from Yixing's face to look at the ground. He releases Yixing's wrist and shrugs his shoulders, trying to play off what had just happened earlier.
Yixing scratches the back of his head and clears his throat. "I should call the taxi for you. I have to get back to work before Junmyeon finds out I'm not manning the bar."
~
Baekhyun's head is still spinning from the effects of alcohol when he steps into the taxi. Yixing had given him a bottle of water to drink and he holds it against his forehead, willing it to cool down his body. As he watches the neon sign of the club gradually become smaller and smaller in the distance, Baekhyun wonders where Chanyeol had disappeared off to. When he had entered the club again, he noticed that Chanyeol had gone. It made Baekhyun relieved, but almost sad at the same time. It had been so long since he had seen Chanyeol.
Baekhyun is now 25, working a minimum wage job. His parents had cut contact with him when he had refused to date the daughter of his father's boss. He scoffs, thinking about how stupid his family was, kicking him out of his house to live on his own at the mere age of 20. There was no way Baekhyun could face Chanyeol with his sad sob story, not when the younger had managed a job at his father's company, probably earning triple the amount Baekhyun earns in a month in only a week.
Maybe they could've caught up, maybe they could've reignited their friendship, told each other what was going on with their lives like back in the good old days.
He finds he misses Chanyeol when he really thinks about it, but he knows it's for the better that they don't speak to each other anymore. It wouldn't be good for Chanyeol if Baekhyun told him the truth as to why he had stopped talking to him, stopped replying to his messages and picking up his calls. Chanyeol didn't deserve someone like Baekhyun, he deserved so much more.
Sandara is a lucky girl. Baekhyun knows this for sure. He knows Chanyeol is one of the most kind-hearted, most genuine people to walk the planet. He knows Chanyeol is a gentle giant, and that he would cater to every one of her needs. Because Chanyeol was like that growing up, always there for Baekhyun, always being so generous and affectionate.
But Chanyeol will never like Baekhyun the way Baekhyun likes him.
~
Baekhyun hates Thursday night shifts.
It is the only night Baekhyun has to work until closing, which unluckily for him, is midnight. After 10PM the amount of customers dwindles to almost none.
Baekhyun absentmindedly scratches at one of the scars decorating his forearm as he sits idly by the register. It's 11:40PM but it feels even later. The clock sitting behind him seems to be going in slow motion. Kyungsoo had only left 10 minutes ago, leaving Baekhyun in charge of locking up the store.
The bell above the door chimes and Baekhyun quickly pulls down his sleeve. He least expected to see Yixing, eyebags prominent under his eyes as he picks up a can of energy drink by the register. He's bundled up in a large red scarf that hides half of his face and a tremendously ugly purple beanie. The green parka he's wearing is two sizes too big for him, and Baekhyun finds the red tint on Yixing's nose almost endearing.
Yixing doesn't notice Baekhyun until after he places the can on the counter and takes out his wallet.
"Oh, Baekhyun! I didn't realise you work here," Yixing exclaims. Baekhyun winces at the loud tone, almost sounding like a nearby clap of thunder after being in a silent store for the most part of two hours.
"Ah, yeah," Baekhyun hums in acknowledgement as he scans the drink and waits patiently for Yixing to give him the money.
Yixing is amidst handing Baekhyun the money when he stops halfway and looks up. "How are you feeling?"
Baekhyun is too flustered to reply at first. No one usually cared enough about him to ask how he was feeling and it is somewhat weird. Yixing barely knows him.
"I-I feel fine, thanks," Baekhyun murmurs, his hand still held out towards Yixing, awaiting for the money to be placed there. Yixing nods his head, but his eyes seem to scan Baekhyun's features. It almost feels like Yixing can see right through him and Baekhyun, again, almost blushes under Yixing's intense gaze.
"Ah, that's good. You just… still look a little sick from last weekend. I hope you didn't catch anything, it is getting colder now that it's almost Christmas." Yixing passes Baekhyun the money before picking up his drink. He doesn't wait for Baekhyun to ring up the purchase and give him his change, instead he backs up and walks towards the door. Baekhyun expects the bell above the door to chime, but after a few moments of silence, he looks up to be met by Yixing's endearing smile.
"It's snowing," he shrugs when he notices Baekhyun's confused face. He pulls the tab on his energy drink and takes a long sip, gesturing outside. "I've noticed that there are no cars nearby, so I'm guessing you must've taken a bus or walked here. I could give you a lift if you'd like."
Baekhyun splutters and looks outside the windows, and true to Yixing's words it has started snowing. Small flecks of white fall lazily to the ground, almost glowing under the luminescent glow of the orange streetlight. Baekhyun shakes his head immediately. "I… I only live 10 minutes away," he manages. "I should be fine."
Baekhyun doesn't know if he's imagining it, but Yixing's face seems to fall a little. "Are you sure?"
"Y-Yeah," Baekhyun affirms, ringing up Yixing's purchase and taking out the right amount of change for him. "Here's your change, by the way."
Yixing nods, walking up to Baekhyun and taking the money. Their fingers briefly brush and a wave of goosebumps unwillingly pricks at Baekhyun's arms. Yixing stares at him, his hand still held out in midair even when Baekhyun had quickly retracted his own away when their fingers had brushed.
"If not, then please stay safe. Here's uh, my number… Call me if you need anything," Yixing says shyly, reaching into his pocket to pull out a small slip of paper with his number neatly scrawled onto it.
As Yixing is leaving, Baekhyun looks up from fumbling with the small slip of paper to ask: "Why do you carry around your number on a slip of paper?"
Yixing looks back over his shoulder and smiles, and if the sun is bright, then Yixing's smile is a thousand times brighter. "Oh, I know you work here," he says softly before disappearing out the door and across the street.
Baekhyun looks at the now closed door with his mouth agape. He feels the telltale thump thump of his heart, and he allows the small blush he has been hiding to creep up his face and blooms across his cheeks.
That night after Baekhyun arrives home with a runny nose and numb fingers, he falls asleep with the picture of a handsome Chinese bartender with endearing dimples and a parka two sizes too big for him imprinted into the back of his eyelids.
~
It's funny how whenever something seems to go up for Baekhyun, another thing will come along to cause his happiness to come plummeting down.
Baekhyun's fingers tremble when he picks up the thick silver envelope lying in the entryway to his home. His name is written in pretty English cursive across the front, and even without opening it he knows what it is. After shutting his front door behind him, and haphazardly throwing his keys into the key bowl next to the door, Baekhyun hesitantly begins to open the envelope.
His suspicion is confirmed when he is greeted by a thick cream coloured card with names printed glaring back at him.
"Mr. Byun Baekhyun,
You are cordially invited to celebrate the wedding of Park Sandara & Park Chanyeol…"
Chanyeol is going to get married. The man he fell so in love with and the man he spent most of his life growing up with is going to get married. And receiving an invitation to the wedding just makes it all even more real.
What hurts the most is that after 3 years of not speaking to each other, Chanyeol still knows where Baekhyun lives. Chanyeol came up 3 flights of stairs to drop off the invitation at his home instead of putting it in his postbox in the foyer. Even though Chanyeol looks different, more handsome, more defined around the edges, he still is the same person Baekhyun grew up with, always being so thoughtful.
And maybe that's why Baekhyun fell in love with Chanyeol. Everything about him is loveable, from the way his face contorts akin to a seal when he laughs, to the way he whines and pouts when he doesn't get something he wants. Being friends with Chanyeol for so long was definitely never boring. Chanyeol was like a light, a beacon to Baekhyun's pathetic life, and cutting contact from him for so long was the stem of the reason why Baekhyun's life began spiralling down into nothing.
When Baekhyun's fingers grasp around the neck of a soju bottle, brief memories flashes by of when he was in highschool, trying alcohol with Chanyeol for the first time. He should be happy for Chanyeol, finding the love of his life and getting married. Baekhyun tries to think about it positively, but the bitterness in his heart seeps out and blackens his thoughts, so all he can think about is Chanyeol will never be the same.
The first sip is different. There's no laugh, no best friend to make fun of the face he pulls. All he hears is silence, accompanied by the rapid beating of his broken heart.
It isn't long after when Baekhyun finds himself too out of it to figure out what is happening around him. All he feels is how cold he is, how cold he feels as the last bottle of soju leaves his fingers and the glass bottle shatters just like his heart when it smashes into the tiled floor of his kitchen.
His head is spinning and his stomach churns unpleasantly. The artificial white light illuminating his kitchen seems as bright as a floodlight to his unfocused eyes. The invitation is left laying in a puddle of alcohol, the inked words starting to run as the liquid seeps into the thick card.
He hears his front door barging open just when he falls into a sitting position and allows his head to loll back to rest against his kitchen drawers. Shortly afterwards, he hears the sound of feet padding down his entranceway. His eyes are barely open when he feels arms around him and a familiar gentle accented voice asking him if everything's okay.
"Come on, Baekhyun. We need to get you to the couch," Yixing says softly, pulling Baekhyun up by his waist and cautiously bypassing the shards of glass scattered dangerously across the floor. Baekhyun easily complies, holding onto Yixing as the elder male leads him away from the kitchen and to the comfort of his couch.
The world isn't spinning as much anymore, and he doesn't feel so cold. Yixing's warmth seeps like invisible tendrils into his skin, flowing through every fibre of his body until it reaches his chest where most of the warmth had already begun to bloom. Baekhyun allows Yixing to oh-so-carefully place him onto the couch, allows Yixing to brush away the strands of hair that frame his face and allows Yixing to take care of him like no one ever has.
"What happened, Baek?" Yixing asks, kneeling down in front of Baekhyun as he uses the back of his sleeve to wipe away the stray tears Baekhyun didn't even know he had let escape. Baekhyun's heart stutters in his chest when Yixing's face contorts into worry. It has been so long since anybody has ever cared about him.
Baekhyun shakes his head, not wanting to explain how broken-hearted he feels because he is in love with a straight man who is getting married soon. He doesn't want to scare the only person who cares enough to come looking for him away. Yixing doesn't know, and he doesn't have to know.
"H-How did you know where I live?" he asks instead of replying, but his hand has a mind of its own, somehow finding its way around Yixing's wrist.
"I was worried when I didn't see you at the club tonight. You didn't even call me once even when I gave you my number," Yixing says softly, taking Baekhyun's free hand in his own. "I went to your workplace, and your co-worker, the one with the big eyes, he said he has not seen you since last night. He gave me your address and I came here straight away," he pauses to smile. "You also forgot to lock your door, pabo."
Baekhyun doesn't know how it happened. One moment he's listening to Yixing talk, listening to the way Yixing's accent curls around the vowels leaving his mouth, but somehow Baekhyun's eyes train on the way Yixing's lips part as he speaks, the swell of his bottom lip, the soft pink that blends so prettily with the pale of his skin.
And suddenly the next moment, Baekhyun is leaning towards Yixing, crashing those pretty pink lips into his. He doesn't think about the consequences. Yixing's lips definitely feel as soft as they look, and taste as sweet as the smile they would form into.
Baekhyun tries, he tries to part Yixing's lips with his tongue. He's trying to get a response out of Yixing, but Yixing doesn't move an inch; his lips remain firmly shut. Baekhyun pulls back, and the figure of Yixing begins to blur as his eyes begin to fill with unshed tears. His nose stings, but his heart stings even more. "Please, Yixing. Please tell me you want it, too. That you want… me, too," he stutters, and his voice breaks.
Baekhyun hears Yixing's hesitation to form a sentence, and he feels his heart deflate. There's a stifling moment of silence before Yixing finally replies, and his voice is too soft, too apologetic for Baekhyun's liking. "I'm so sorry, Baekhyun, I… I didn't mean to make you feel this way."
A sense of anger, of hurt and anguish begins to boil in Baekhyun's veins. What does Yixing mean? How could Yixing so easily play with his heart just to crush it like dust between his fingers?
"Then why are you here?" Baekhyun cries, allowing the feeling of hurt to amplify in his chest. He pushes Yixing away as his tears finally spill out. "Why the fuck did you come here? Why do you care? Why are you playing with me?!" he doesn't hear Yixing's response, too caught up in sobbing into his hands to even care. "Why did you make it seem like you wanted me?!"
"No- No, Baek. Please, you need to understand. I didn't want any of this to happen," Yixing tries, and Baekhyun is suddenly pulled into a warm embrace, his head nuzzled into Yixing's chest, his body leaning into Yixing's for support. He's too weak to pull away, not angry enough to do so, so Baekhyun remains there, breathing in Yixing's sweet scent. "You just… I…"
"Please tell me, is there something wrong with me?" Baekhyun cries into Yixing's chest, his hands finding purchase on Yixing's jumper. "Is there something you don't like about me? Am I disgusting for liking men?"
Yixing coos softly and runs his fingers soothingly through Baekhyun's hair, his other hand rubbing soft circles on Baekhyun's back. "No, Baek," he replies quietly. "Nothing is wrong with you, you can love whoever you want."
But Baekhyun only cries harder, because the man he loves is getting married. His best friend, his first crush... He should have known it. Chanyeol doesn't like him in the same way Baekhyun does, and Yixing is too good to be true. Nothing ever seems to be going right for Baekhyun.
They sit there in silence for a while, his face buried into Yixing's chest as the elder continues muttering sweet nothings to him. Yixing's jumper is soaked with tears when Baekhyun finally pulls back, physically unable to shed any more tears after crying for so long.
"You remind me of my brother back in China, you know," Yixing begins out of nowhere when Baekhyun seats himself between Yixing's legs, not wanting to move away from the warmth radiating off the elder male. He sniffles softly, and nods his head, urging the Chinese male to continue. "He's a lot like you, happy on the outside, but… dead on the inside. Lu Han's a great person, a great brother, a great everything. He's the most kind-hearted person I know."
"I mean, I always knew he preferred men over women. He never took interest in those women our father tried to shove his way. There was nothing wrong with the girls, they were all beautiful and came from well-off families, had great manners, the kind of girls you'd take home to show your parents. But Lu Han, he… just didn't want them. He ended up seeing one of his friends behind our parents' back. I don't know if he's still seeing him, but I have never seen Lu Han so happy."
"But I guess where I'm getting at is that you really remind me of him, the way your eyes linger on men when you think they aren't looking, the way you put on a fake facade to make people happy because your life is far from where you want it to be. So I felt this connection towards you, I felt like I had to watch over you."
Yixing holds Baekhyun's hand in his and smiles softly. His fingers fumble around Baekhyun's, and Baekhyun elicits a tiny whine. "Baekhyun, you may think that no one would accept you because of your preferences, but you don't need to hide it. There's nothing wrong with you."
Baekhyun doesn't have time to reply before the press of soft, warm lips against his. Calloused hands running through his hair, while leaving soft bites on his lips. Baekhyun falls pliantly into Yixing's embrace again, kissing back with so much fervour that it leaves his head giddy. But good things always come to an end, and Yixing pulls away, leaving Baekhyun breathless and flustered. His cheeks are on fire, and his legs feel like jelly. His heart is beating so much faster than normal rate, and oh God he couldn't keep his eyes away from Yixing's spit slicked lips.
"I won't be able to give you true love, which is what you want the most. I'm sorry for that. But I can be your foundation, I can be someone you come to when you're upset. Just know that… you don't have to go through this alone."
"Could you at least give me one thing, Yixing?" Baekhyun breathes softly, his hands quivering as they find purchase on Yixing's jumper. "It doesn't have to mean anything, I just… please make me feel loved."
Baekhyun inhales a shaky breath when Yixing leans into him to whisper a quiet: "Then take me to your room."
~
The bed is soft underneath Baekhyun, bedsheets creasing as he moves back to allow space for Yixing to kneel in front of him. All remaining light around the room centres in on them, and Baekhyun can feel the way his heart picks up its pace when Yixing leans into him again.
It's gentle, unlike the kiss from earlier. Yixing is gentle as he melds his lips against Baekhyun's, allows him time to get used to it before he is licking at the seam of Baekhyun's lips. Baekhyun opens his mouth pliantly and from then on it's history.
Slowly, he falls back until his head feels the softness of his pillows beneath him. Yixing's hands mischievously skitter up his shirt, cool fingers pressing in to smooth the skin of his stomach. Baekhyun lays prettily on the bed, pink-lipped and open for Yixing to slot himself on top. There's nothing too demanding in his eyes, just a simple flicker of want that tells Baekhyun everything.
Piece by piece, items of clothing fall onto the floor until all that's left is Baekhyun panting breathlessly as Yixing slides a rough hand up his naked thigh and towards his hardening member.
"Have you done this before?" Yixing asks, voice gentle, as soft as the small kisses being peppered into his neck.
Baekhyun stutters, unable to think of anything but how Yixing's hand is so closely laying next to his hard member. "Only once before," he replies, and it isn't a lie. One night out with too many drinks and he had somehow found himself face first into an unfamiliar bed with an unknown male pounding into him.
Yixing hums. "I promise I'll be gentle in that case. Do you have any lube?"
Baekhyun nods and points to one of his drawers by his bed. He patiently waits for Yixing to find it, trying to calm down his nerves at the same time. The sound of the lid uncapping is unexpected and it causes Baekhyun to tense up slightly,
"Just relax, I won't hurt you," Yixing soothes him gently, climbing onto the bed and back in between Baekhyun's legs.
Cool slick fingers are pressed up against the ring of Baekhyun's entrance as another hand comes to rub soothingly into the flesh of his hips. "This may feel a bit uncomfortable," Yixing whispers as he pushes a single finger in, slowly. The pressure hurts at first, the burn of something foreign isn't something Baekhyun is used to, but after a small amount of time he adjusts and nods his head at Yixing to continue.
Another finger is inserted, then another and Yixing is so skillfully loosening up Baekhyun that after a while he doesn't know if he can take any more when Yixing is hitting that perfect spot deep inside him.
Baekhyun almost whines when Yixing pulls his fingers out. "I need to put on a condom," Yixing says breathlessly, standing up to fish the condoms out from the same drawer Baekhyun keeps his lube in.
"N-No," Baekhyun quickly stops Yixing by grabbing onto his wrist. Yixing looks at Baekhyun curiously, causing the younger male to blush, looking anywhere but at the male in front of him. "I-I want to feel you… in me."
Yixing is silent for a moment, and Baekhyun can almost feel the rejection coming, but he is surprised when Yixing answers with a soft "ah, okay then.." before he's taking his position between Baekhyun's legs again.
Yixing softly kisses Baekhyun, one hand grasping at the dips of Baekhyun's waist while his other hand reaches for the lube again. There's a moment of pause in which Baekhyun feels only Yixing's sweet kisses and the movement of his arm as he lubes himself up.
Then, slowly, Yixing presses into him until he's buried to the hilt. It's unrushed, leisurely at first, with Baekhyun trying to accommodate Yixing's girth and Yixing trying to be as gentle as possible.
"Am I hurting you?" Yixing asks, carefully pulling out to thrust back in again. Baekhyun shakes his head, although it is a bit uncomfortable, it definitely doesn't hurt.
"No, it's f-fine," Baekhyun responds, clenching around Yixing and causing a small moan to elicit out of the elder male.
"Okay, just- just tell me if it hurts."
Yixing begins to pick up the pace and slowly, slowly the initial uncomfortableness of it all begins to ebb away. Suddenly, Baekhyun's senses seem to tune into Yixing; he can feel everything. From the slight curve of Yixing's cock now repeatedly pressing into his prostate, to the way Yixing's hands are squeezing and loosening around Baekhyun's waist as he lets out small moans of pleasure into Baekhyun's ear.
Baekhyun closes his eyes and imagines him as Chanyeol, and as bad as that may be, he knows he won't be able to reach his climax without doing so. And although Yixing is definitely not as broad, not as tall as Chanyeol is, it isn't hard to do when pictures of his best friend fill his mind.
Yixing shifts his position slightly, and suddenly Baekhyun's world turns white.
"Oh G-God..." Baekhyun moans, his hands coming to grasp into Yixing's hair. He imagines it as Chanyeol nipping at his neck, that it's Chanyeol pounding him into the bed sheets and his cock jumps at the mere thought. Imagining Chanyeol was enough to make his eyes roll into the back of his head and the lower part of his stomach to begin coiling.
Baekhyun can feel Yixing's pace begin to stutter and he knows that they're both close. He elicits a small whine when Yixing's arms wrap around him, and he's pulling Baekhyun up onto his lap. Baekhyun closes his eyes and leans into Yixing's shoulder, riding him until he can feel the coil in his stomach a second away from snapping.
Yixing mutters something in Mandarin under his breath when he comes deep inside Baekhyun, fingers clenching and unclenching around Baekhyun's hips. Baekhyun follows shortly after, coming all over himself and Yixing to the image of Chanyeol's sweaty and debauched face.
~
When Baekhyun wakes up, he can hear the sound of Yixing's gentle breathing resounding across the room. His body aches and it hurts to move, but he feels a weird sort of satisfaction build up in him when he thinks about the event of last night. It was nice to be the one being loved, being worshipped instead of the other way round.
Even if Yixing is perfect and is probably the only person he knows that understands him, he knows that the feelings for Chanyeol will never leave him, and because of that Baekhyun thinks that maybe he and Yixing don't have to be a thing, that they don't have to be in a relationship, because Baekhyun doesn't know if he could ever love anyone the way he loved Chanyeol. Maybe one day soon, Baekhyun will find someone to change that, to change his view on people and to fall in love again.
But for now, Baekhyun is happy with what he has. Maybe he should go to Chanyeol's wedding, rekindle the fire in their friendship, and even though it may hurt to see Chanyeol in love with someone else, at least he knows Chanyeol is happy.
And really, Baekhyun can never ask for more.