FAKE Ficlet: Helpful Instructions
Title: Helpful Instructions
Fandom: FAKE
Author: badly_knitted
Characters: Ryo, Dee, Bikky and Carol
Rating: PG-15
Setting: After the manga.
Summary: Ryo and Dee and some flat-pack furniture - what could possibly go wrong? Probably not what you’d think!
Word Count: 601
Disclaimer: I don’t own FAKE, or the characters. They belong to the wonderful Sanami Matoh.
A/N: Inspired by something I read.
Flat-packed furniture held no fear for either Dee or Ryo; they knew they were equal to the task of assembling it. The pair of them, working together, had already lovingly assembled half of Dee’s new furniture. So, when Bikky needed a new desk for doing his homework on, among other things, Ryo had bought a nice self-assembly one, hauled it home and called Dee to lend a hand putting it together while the boy was at school.
After unpacking all the parts and laying them out on the floor, Ryo gathered the empty boxes to take them to the recycling bin while Dee had a quick glance at the instructions. But on his return, to his puzzlement, Ryo found Dee lying on the floor, laughing so hard he was crying.
“What’s so funny?” he asked, bemused but unable to keep from grinning at the sight before him.
Unable to reply, Dee merely waved the instruction leaflet at his lover, so Ryo sat down on the floor beside him, took the sheet of paper and quickly read through the instructions.
His eyes widened and his face turned pink. He flipped the paper over and looked at the other side. Yes, that was a picture of the desk he’d bought. Turning back to the other side, he read the instructions again. Surely it couldn’t really have said what he thought it had.
Wrong. There it was, clearly printed in black and white.
‘Open the legs and screw as hard as possible.’
“But…”
He looked at the words, looked at Dee, then back at the instructions. If anything, Dee was laughing even harder.
“Oh man,” he gasped breathlessly, “the look on your face! Don’t you just love helpful translated instructions?”
Dee’s laughter was infectious and Ryo started to chuckle.
“I wonder what they meant to say…”
“That will forever remain a mystery,” Dee sniggered. “I wanna know how many people have followed the instructions to the letter!”
“Dee!” Ryo sounded shocked at the thought, but the grin that crept over his face told a different story.
“In homes across America, a simple flat-pack desk has caused rampant sexual activity,” Dee intoned in his best newscaster voice.
Ryo giggled. “And the next thing you know, there’s a run on self-assembly bassinets.”
“Instant baby boom!” Dee agreed, nodding. “That and mentally traumatised teens who walked in on their parents! And did you notice how the instructions are labelled?” Dee’s grin grew wider.
“Must’ve missed that part.” Ryo snatched up the leaflet and flipped it over again, turning his attention to the top of the page. Instead of ‘Assembly Instructions, it was thoughtfully labelled in big, friendly letters, ‘Erection’. He took one look at Dee and then they both fell about laughing.
When Bikky arrived home with Carol a few minutes later, they found both adults rolling on the lounge floor amid pieces of flat-pack furniture, laughing their heads off.
“What’s got into those two now?” Bikky wondered, frowning. He’d long suspected that Ryo and Dee were not the most mentally stable people around. Seemed he’d been right.
Carol sighed and shook her head. “No idea, but I have a feeling we’re probably better off not knowing.”
“Yeah,” Bikky agreed fervently. “I’m pretty sure I don’t want to know! Um, Carol? D’you think your aunt would mind if I come back to yours for dinner?”
“Probably not.”
“Okay, good. Let’s get outta here before we get infected too.” With that, they hurried out of the apartment, shutting the door firmly behind them.
‘If I manage to grow up sane,’ Bikky thought to himself, ‘it’ll be a miracle!”
The End