Fic: Not As Advertised
Title: Not As Advertised
Author: badly_knitted
Characters: Jack, Ianto, OCs.
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Nada.
Summary: Jack decides Ianto deserves a holiday, so he whisks him away to an idyllic planet. Naturally, things don’t quite go to plan.
Word Count: 1259
Written For: Prompt 210 - Chaos at fandomweekly.
Disclaimer: I don’t own Torchwood, or the characters. They belong to the BBC.
“You work too hard,” Jack said, leaning casually on the counter in the tourist information office as Ianto bustled around, re-stocking the brochures and guidebooks.
“Tell me something I don’t know.” Ianto sounded amused.
“I mean it, Ianto, you’re overworked! If you’re not up here, doing paperwork and dealing with stray tourists, you’re cleaning the Hub, making coffee, doing repairs, taking care of the residents, or down in the lower levels, filing, and reorganising the archives.”
“Organising, Jack. To reorganise something implies that it was organised in the first place, which the archives most definitely were not.”
Jack shrugged that off. “Things got a bit busy for a few decades, no one had the time. The point I’m trying to make is that you deserve a break.”
Ianto paused what he was doing to fix Jack with an unimpressed look. “Yes, well, this is Torchwood. What I deserve and what I actually get seldom match up.”
“Well, it’s about time that changed. I thought we could go away for a few days.”
“You what? No way! Remember what happened the last time you persuaded me to take a week off?”
“You had the flu! You could barely stand up, never mind work.”
“That’s not the point. When I came back, the Hub looked like a bomb hit it. I had three times my usual workload to deal with, it took me a month to clear the backlog! It’s a miracle you lot remembered to feed Myfanwy and the other residents.”
Unsurprisingly, Jack brushed that off as inconsequential. “That won’t happen this time, not now that Rhys is coming on board to handle the cleaning and general maintenance.”
“And who do you expect to train him if I’m not here?” Ianto huffed. “He might go below to change a lightbulb and spend the next three days lost in the lower levels because nobody’s shown him how to navigate down there. I can’t imagine that would go down well with Gwen. She wasn’t too happy about you offering him the job in the first place.”
“You’re making mountains out of molehills!”
“No, that’s what you lot do when I’m not around to keep the place in order. I’m simply pointing out that Rhys has only been in the Hub a handful of times, and even then, he was restricted to the main work areas. This isn’t some generic office building, where everything’s neatly laid out to maximise efficiency; it’s more like a rabbit warren, if the rabbits that dug it were high on drugs and had no sense of direction.”
“Granted, it does take a bit of getting used to, but we won’t be gone for long.”
“No? A few minutes ago you were talking about going away for a few days.”
“Ah, but I have this!” Jack pushed his sleeve up to display his VM. Now that the Doctor’s latest incarnation had removed the blocks his former self had installed, Jack could use the teleport function to take himself and one passenger anywhere he wanted. He’d already used it to rescue Tosh from an enraged Weevil, and to transport a seriously injured alien to the Hub for lifesaving treatment. “I can whisk you away from all this for a blissful two-week holiday and have you back at work the following morning. What could possibly go wrong in one night? Especially since Tosh says the Rift should be quiet for the next forty-eight hours.” He could tell Ianto’s resolve was beginning to waver, so he pressed his advantage. “Come on, Ianto, live a little. It’ll be fun, I guarantee it, and you’ll come back to work feeling rested and refreshed!”
“Hm, I’m not so sure about that. Where, exactly, would we be going?”
“Wherever you want! Australia, the Caribbean, Ziphnax Major, Aritriptanor… The beaches there would blow your mind, and the nightlife’s out of this world.”
“And we could really be back here the next morning?”
“Absolutely. We just wait for the others to leave for the night, have any alerts sent to their mobiles, throw the bare necessities in a bag, pick a destination, and be there before you can blink.”
A slow smile spread across Ianto’s face. “Well, you did promise one day you’d show me the stars. I suppose now would be as good a time as any.” He really could use a few days’ downtime; work had been even more hectic than usual recently.
“Where to?”
“Let’s start with somewhere peaceful where we can just relax for a couple of days. After that, you can choose.”
“I know the perfect place! Quaint villages, friendly natives, mild weather, beautiful scenery, air that tastes like wine, you’ll love it. Then when we leave there, I’ll take you to Aritriptanor for the beach life. Once you experience it, you’ll never want to leave.”
“I think I’ll reserve judgement until we get there.”
That night, Jack put his plan into action, throwing a few things into a duffle bag, looping both arms around Ianto, and in the blink of an eye, they were on the idyllic planet Jack had picked out.
The first thing Ianto noticed once he recovered from being teleported across a few hundred light years was the rain. He was actually a bit surprised that he hadn’t noticed it sooner, considering it was icy cold and he was standing in a good four inches of water. The next thing he noticed was the screaming, as terrified people blundered past, nearly blinded by the downpour, all of them heading in the same direction, uphill, away from the deepening water. It was utter chaos.
Someone bumped into them in the dimness, lit only by intermittent flashes of lightning, and Jack made a quick grab, managing to keep the person upright.
“What’s happening?” he shouted over the sound of the rain.
“The gachnigar come! We must flee the water, or we shall all die!”
“Gachnigar?”
“Water serpents, terrible creatures! They swarm when the storms come, no one is safe in the valleys!”
Ianto rolled hie eyes. “Idyllic and peaceful, you said!”
“It was the last time I was here.”
“Never visited in the rainy season then?”
“I didn’t know there WAS a rainy season!” Both men were moving now, gathering locals as they went, herding the much smaller natives to safety, picking up and carrying some of the children. While Ianto helped families move essential supplies further up the hillsides surrounding the fertile valley that was their home, Jack used his VM to travel back and forth, snatching people and animals from the deepening water and transporting them to dry land.
By morning, the entire valley was flooded, and immense serpents were visible through the still-falling rain, swimming around and feasting on stranded livestock. Jack continued his rescue efforts, while Ianto helped the locals set up camp in some dry caves high in the hills, preparing food for the refugees, and tending the injured.
“You promised me a restful holiday,” he reminded Jack, who was dropping off another rescued animal. “Somewhere quiet and peaceful.” He winced as the goatlike creature bleated loudly in his ear.
“I know, I’m sorry, but I didn’t know this would happen!”
Wet and exhausted, Ianto was in no mood to accept excuses, or apologies. “Don’t you dare threaten me with a good time ever again, Jack Harkness!” So much for his relaxing vacation. He couldn’t wait to get back home to his cosy archives, where there weren’t any water serpents or smelly, bleating herd animals. Once he was back in Cardiff, he was never leaving again!
The End
Author: badly_knitted
Characters: Jack, Ianto, OCs.
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Nada.
Summary: Jack decides Ianto deserves a holiday, so he whisks him away to an idyllic planet. Naturally, things don’t quite go to plan.
Word Count: 1259
Written For: Prompt 210 - Chaos at fandomweekly.
Disclaimer: I don’t own Torchwood, or the characters. They belong to the BBC.
“You work too hard,” Jack said, leaning casually on the counter in the tourist information office as Ianto bustled around, re-stocking the brochures and guidebooks.
“Tell me something I don’t know.” Ianto sounded amused.
“I mean it, Ianto, you’re overworked! If you’re not up here, doing paperwork and dealing with stray tourists, you’re cleaning the Hub, making coffee, doing repairs, taking care of the residents, or down in the lower levels, filing, and reorganising the archives.”
“Organising, Jack. To reorganise something implies that it was organised in the first place, which the archives most definitely were not.”
Jack shrugged that off. “Things got a bit busy for a few decades, no one had the time. The point I’m trying to make is that you deserve a break.”
Ianto paused what he was doing to fix Jack with an unimpressed look. “Yes, well, this is Torchwood. What I deserve and what I actually get seldom match up.”
“Well, it’s about time that changed. I thought we could go away for a few days.”
“You what? No way! Remember what happened the last time you persuaded me to take a week off?”
“You had the flu! You could barely stand up, never mind work.”
“That’s not the point. When I came back, the Hub looked like a bomb hit it. I had three times my usual workload to deal with, it took me a month to clear the backlog! It’s a miracle you lot remembered to feed Myfanwy and the other residents.”
Unsurprisingly, Jack brushed that off as inconsequential. “That won’t happen this time, not now that Rhys is coming on board to handle the cleaning and general maintenance.”
“And who do you expect to train him if I’m not here?” Ianto huffed. “He might go below to change a lightbulb and spend the next three days lost in the lower levels because nobody’s shown him how to navigate down there. I can’t imagine that would go down well with Gwen. She wasn’t too happy about you offering him the job in the first place.”
“You’re making mountains out of molehills!”
“No, that’s what you lot do when I’m not around to keep the place in order. I’m simply pointing out that Rhys has only been in the Hub a handful of times, and even then, he was restricted to the main work areas. This isn’t some generic office building, where everything’s neatly laid out to maximise efficiency; it’s more like a rabbit warren, if the rabbits that dug it were high on drugs and had no sense of direction.”
“Granted, it does take a bit of getting used to, but we won’t be gone for long.”
“No? A few minutes ago you were talking about going away for a few days.”
“Ah, but I have this!” Jack pushed his sleeve up to display his VM. Now that the Doctor’s latest incarnation had removed the blocks his former self had installed, Jack could use the teleport function to take himself and one passenger anywhere he wanted. He’d already used it to rescue Tosh from an enraged Weevil, and to transport a seriously injured alien to the Hub for lifesaving treatment. “I can whisk you away from all this for a blissful two-week holiday and have you back at work the following morning. What could possibly go wrong in one night? Especially since Tosh says the Rift should be quiet for the next forty-eight hours.” He could tell Ianto’s resolve was beginning to waver, so he pressed his advantage. “Come on, Ianto, live a little. It’ll be fun, I guarantee it, and you’ll come back to work feeling rested and refreshed!”
“Hm, I’m not so sure about that. Where, exactly, would we be going?”
“Wherever you want! Australia, the Caribbean, Ziphnax Major, Aritriptanor… The beaches there would blow your mind, and the nightlife’s out of this world.”
“And we could really be back here the next morning?”
“Absolutely. We just wait for the others to leave for the night, have any alerts sent to their mobiles, throw the bare necessities in a bag, pick a destination, and be there before you can blink.”
A slow smile spread across Ianto’s face. “Well, you did promise one day you’d show me the stars. I suppose now would be as good a time as any.” He really could use a few days’ downtime; work had been even more hectic than usual recently.
“Where to?”
“Let’s start with somewhere peaceful where we can just relax for a couple of days. After that, you can choose.”
“I know the perfect place! Quaint villages, friendly natives, mild weather, beautiful scenery, air that tastes like wine, you’ll love it. Then when we leave there, I’ll take you to Aritriptanor for the beach life. Once you experience it, you’ll never want to leave.”
“I think I’ll reserve judgement until we get there.”
That night, Jack put his plan into action, throwing a few things into a duffle bag, looping both arms around Ianto, and in the blink of an eye, they were on the idyllic planet Jack had picked out.
The first thing Ianto noticed once he recovered from being teleported across a few hundred light years was the rain. He was actually a bit surprised that he hadn’t noticed it sooner, considering it was icy cold and he was standing in a good four inches of water. The next thing he noticed was the screaming, as terrified people blundered past, nearly blinded by the downpour, all of them heading in the same direction, uphill, away from the deepening water. It was utter chaos.
Someone bumped into them in the dimness, lit only by intermittent flashes of lightning, and Jack made a quick grab, managing to keep the person upright.
“What’s happening?” he shouted over the sound of the rain.
“The gachnigar come! We must flee the water, or we shall all die!”
“Gachnigar?”
“Water serpents, terrible creatures! They swarm when the storms come, no one is safe in the valleys!”
Ianto rolled hie eyes. “Idyllic and peaceful, you said!”
“It was the last time I was here.”
“Never visited in the rainy season then?”
“I didn’t know there WAS a rainy season!” Both men were moving now, gathering locals as they went, herding the much smaller natives to safety, picking up and carrying some of the children. While Ianto helped families move essential supplies further up the hillsides surrounding the fertile valley that was their home, Jack used his VM to travel back and forth, snatching people and animals from the deepening water and transporting them to dry land.
By morning, the entire valley was flooded, and immense serpents were visible through the still-falling rain, swimming around and feasting on stranded livestock. Jack continued his rescue efforts, while Ianto helped the locals set up camp in some dry caves high in the hills, preparing food for the refugees, and tending the injured.
“You promised me a restful holiday,” he reminded Jack, who was dropping off another rescued animal. “Somewhere quiet and peaceful.” He winced as the goatlike creature bleated loudly in his ear.
“I know, I’m sorry, but I didn’t know this would happen!”
Wet and exhausted, Ianto was in no mood to accept excuses, or apologies. “Don’t you dare threaten me with a good time ever again, Jack Harkness!” So much for his relaxing vacation. He couldn’t wait to get back home to his cosy archives, where there weren’t any water serpents or smelly, bleating herd animals. Once he was back in Cardiff, he was never leaving again!
The End