Fic: Country Style
Title: Country Style
Author: badly_knitted
Characters: Ianto, Jack.
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1073
Summary: Rift retrievals can be hazardous in many ways, but what the Rift delivers isn’t always a bad thing, just sometimes a bit inconvenient.
Spoilers: None.
Written For: cozy_coffee’s prompt ‘any, any/any, sex pollen’ at comment_fic.
Disclaimer: I don’t own Torchwood or any of the characters.
“So,” Ianto said mildly as he attempted to dust his suit off, sending up clouds of glittery golden powder that made him sneeze. “What exactly is this stuff?” One of the hazards of working for Torchwood was that you never knew what you’d get liberally coated with next, from blood, slime, and other bodily fluids to dust, fluff, and fur, and everything in between.
“Ah.” Jack raked a hand through his glittery hair, scattering more of the power into the breeze, glad that at least they were out in the open, and well away from other people. Out here, well beyond Cardiff’s city limits, aside from themselves there were only birds, insects, and the occasional sheep, which was only to be expected in Wales, where sheep most likely outnumbered the human population.
“Ah?” Ianto repeated, raising an eyebrow. “From the look on your face, I gather whatever it is, it’s not good. Should I be worried? I’m not going to suddenly drop dead, am I?” Despite being immortal like Jack now, he still preferred to avoid dying if at all possible. It was messy and unpleasant, and usually meant he had to get his suits dry-cleaned yet again.
“No, no, nothing like that, and it’s not really bad as such, just maybe a bit inconvenient. On the plus side, there’s nobody else around who could be affected, and I doubt it works on livestock, so the sheep shouldn’t be a problem.”
Ianto sneezed again, pulled out a handkerchief, and blew his nose before frowning at his lover. “What aren’t you telling me? I get the feeling this stuff does more than just make people sneeze.”
“Matter of fact, the sneezing’s a bit unusual, never known that to happen before. Then again, it isn’t generally used in such large quantities.” Jack frowned at the object they’d come to retrieve, a curious jewelled bottle that must have suffered some damage on its trip through the Rift. As he’d gone to pick it up, it had broken in half, and a sudden gust of wind had blown the contents all over himself and Ianto. “A tiny pinch for each person is usually plenty.”
“And somehow you’re still managing to avoid telling me exactly what it is.” Ianto stripped out of his suit jacket and gave it a good shake, turning so the breeze blew the cloud of glittering particles away from him. Draping his jacket over a nearby fence, he took his tie off and shook that too, turning back to see Jack staring at him hungrily. “Jack, pay attention!”
“I am! You have ALL my attention! If I had any more attention to give, you’d have that too!”
“Well, you’re about to be very disappointed, because I’m not taking anything else off.” Ianto did his best to wipe the powder off his shirt front, muttering, “I hope this doesn’t stain.” Then he caught sight of Jack. “What are you doing?”
Jack’s coat had just joined Ianto’s jacket and tie on the fence, rapidly followed by Jack’s shirt, although, after yanking it over his head so fast he almost took an ear off with it, he flung his t-shirt in the opposite direction.
“Aren’t you hot?” Jack demanded, fanning himself. “You can’t be unaffected!”
“By what?” Ianto leaned casually against the fence, raising an eyebrow as he studied his lover. “The powder?”
“It’s not powder, it’s pollen!”
“Really? Well, I don’t think we need to worry about it affecting the local flowers. Cross-pollination is difficult to achieve even under carefully controlled conditions; Owen’s been trying to do something along those lines with that alien corn, to produce a weather-resistant hybrid, but no luck so far…” Ianto gave an exasperated sigh. “Jack, put your pants back on! This is neither the time nor the place to embrace a nudist lifestyle. We’re in some farmer’s field!”
“But the sex pollen…”
“Sex pollen? That’s what this is?” Ianto wiped one finger across his cheek then studied his gold-tinged fingertip.
“YES! Why aren’t you being driven out of your mind with lust?”
“Maybe I have more self-control that you do, or maybe it just doesn’t work on twenty-first century physiology.”
“But… but… it has to! I want you! I NEED you!”
“Can’t you wait until we get back to the Hub? There’s a bed there. If you can call it that.”
Jack actually whimpered. “No! Please, Ianto, I’ve got to have you! Right now!”
Ianto sighed. “Well, I suppose if you must. I don’t suppose you have any lube with you?”
“Coat pocket,” Jack gasped. “Hurry!”
The next several hours passed in an admittedly most enjoyable blur, although it was fortunate no one happened to be out walking their dogs, or tending their flocks, or just enjoying a hike in the verdant Welsh countryside. Ianto was open-minded, but he drew the line at having an impromptu orgy with a bunch of complete strangers. Thankfully, even an audience of some thirty or forty curious sheep failed to put the two men off their stride, and by the time the effects of the pollen wore off enough that they could think straight, both of them were thoroughly ravaged, and the small bottle of lube was almost empty.
Leaving Jack sprawled naked on the grass beneath a tree, Ianto gathered his clothes and dressed, with his usual efficiency.
A few moments later, eyes still glazed, Jack staggered to his feet and tottered over to his own clothes, picking them up off the ground and shaking them to get rid of any insects since, unlike Ianto, who’d hung his own attire neatly folded on the fence, he’d tossed everything aside as he’d stripped. One sock appeared to have vanished completely, and a sheep was munching on Jack’s cotton boxers, but he decided against trying to get them back; he didn’t have the energy left to fight for them, and they probably wouldn’t be wearable anyway.
“I still don’t understand why you weren’t affected,” he said, struggling to pull his boot onto his bare foot.
“Who says I wasn’t?” Ianto smirked at his lover. “Like I said earlier, I just have more self-control than you do.”
Gathering up the broken remains of the bottle, and collecting Jack’s coat from the fence, Ianto set off towards the gate, leaving Jack to hop and hobble after him, one boot still only half on. He smiled to himself; Jack really should know by now not to underestimate him.
The End
Author: badly_knitted
Characters: Ianto, Jack.
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1073
Summary: Rift retrievals can be hazardous in many ways, but what the Rift delivers isn’t always a bad thing, just sometimes a bit inconvenient.
Spoilers: None.
Written For: cozy_coffee’s prompt ‘any, any/any, sex pollen’ at comment_fic.
Disclaimer: I don’t own Torchwood or any of the characters.
“So,” Ianto said mildly as he attempted to dust his suit off, sending up clouds of glittery golden powder that made him sneeze. “What exactly is this stuff?” One of the hazards of working for Torchwood was that you never knew what you’d get liberally coated with next, from blood, slime, and other bodily fluids to dust, fluff, and fur, and everything in between.
“Ah.” Jack raked a hand through his glittery hair, scattering more of the power into the breeze, glad that at least they were out in the open, and well away from other people. Out here, well beyond Cardiff’s city limits, aside from themselves there were only birds, insects, and the occasional sheep, which was only to be expected in Wales, where sheep most likely outnumbered the human population.
“Ah?” Ianto repeated, raising an eyebrow. “From the look on your face, I gather whatever it is, it’s not good. Should I be worried? I’m not going to suddenly drop dead, am I?” Despite being immortal like Jack now, he still preferred to avoid dying if at all possible. It was messy and unpleasant, and usually meant he had to get his suits dry-cleaned yet again.
“No, no, nothing like that, and it’s not really bad as such, just maybe a bit inconvenient. On the plus side, there’s nobody else around who could be affected, and I doubt it works on livestock, so the sheep shouldn’t be a problem.”
Ianto sneezed again, pulled out a handkerchief, and blew his nose before frowning at his lover. “What aren’t you telling me? I get the feeling this stuff does more than just make people sneeze.”
“Matter of fact, the sneezing’s a bit unusual, never known that to happen before. Then again, it isn’t generally used in such large quantities.” Jack frowned at the object they’d come to retrieve, a curious jewelled bottle that must have suffered some damage on its trip through the Rift. As he’d gone to pick it up, it had broken in half, and a sudden gust of wind had blown the contents all over himself and Ianto. “A tiny pinch for each person is usually plenty.”
“And somehow you’re still managing to avoid telling me exactly what it is.” Ianto stripped out of his suit jacket and gave it a good shake, turning so the breeze blew the cloud of glittering particles away from him. Draping his jacket over a nearby fence, he took his tie off and shook that too, turning back to see Jack staring at him hungrily. “Jack, pay attention!”
“I am! You have ALL my attention! If I had any more attention to give, you’d have that too!”
“Well, you’re about to be very disappointed, because I’m not taking anything else off.” Ianto did his best to wipe the powder off his shirt front, muttering, “I hope this doesn’t stain.” Then he caught sight of Jack. “What are you doing?”
Jack’s coat had just joined Ianto’s jacket and tie on the fence, rapidly followed by Jack’s shirt, although, after yanking it over his head so fast he almost took an ear off with it, he flung his t-shirt in the opposite direction.
“Aren’t you hot?” Jack demanded, fanning himself. “You can’t be unaffected!”
“By what?” Ianto leaned casually against the fence, raising an eyebrow as he studied his lover. “The powder?”
“It’s not powder, it’s pollen!”
“Really? Well, I don’t think we need to worry about it affecting the local flowers. Cross-pollination is difficult to achieve even under carefully controlled conditions; Owen’s been trying to do something along those lines with that alien corn, to produce a weather-resistant hybrid, but no luck so far…” Ianto gave an exasperated sigh. “Jack, put your pants back on! This is neither the time nor the place to embrace a nudist lifestyle. We’re in some farmer’s field!”
“But the sex pollen…”
“Sex pollen? That’s what this is?” Ianto wiped one finger across his cheek then studied his gold-tinged fingertip.
“YES! Why aren’t you being driven out of your mind with lust?”
“Maybe I have more self-control that you do, or maybe it just doesn’t work on twenty-first century physiology.”
“But… but… it has to! I want you! I NEED you!”
“Can’t you wait until we get back to the Hub? There’s a bed there. If you can call it that.”
Jack actually whimpered. “No! Please, Ianto, I’ve got to have you! Right now!”
Ianto sighed. “Well, I suppose if you must. I don’t suppose you have any lube with you?”
“Coat pocket,” Jack gasped. “Hurry!”
The next several hours passed in an admittedly most enjoyable blur, although it was fortunate no one happened to be out walking their dogs, or tending their flocks, or just enjoying a hike in the verdant Welsh countryside. Ianto was open-minded, but he drew the line at having an impromptu orgy with a bunch of complete strangers. Thankfully, even an audience of some thirty or forty curious sheep failed to put the two men off their stride, and by the time the effects of the pollen wore off enough that they could think straight, both of them were thoroughly ravaged, and the small bottle of lube was almost empty.
Leaving Jack sprawled naked on the grass beneath a tree, Ianto gathered his clothes and dressed, with his usual efficiency.
A few moments later, eyes still glazed, Jack staggered to his feet and tottered over to his own clothes, picking them up off the ground and shaking them to get rid of any insects since, unlike Ianto, who’d hung his own attire neatly folded on the fence, he’d tossed everything aside as he’d stripped. One sock appeared to have vanished completely, and a sheep was munching on Jack’s cotton boxers, but he decided against trying to get them back; he didn’t have the energy left to fight for them, and they probably wouldn’t be wearable anyway.
“I still don’t understand why you weren’t affected,” he said, struggling to pull his boot onto his bare foot.
“Who says I wasn’t?” Ianto smirked at his lover. “Like I said earlier, I just have more self-control than you do.”
Gathering up the broken remains of the bottle, and collecting Jack’s coat from the fence, Ianto set off towards the gate, leaving Jack to hop and hobble after him, one boot still only half on. He smiled to himself; Jack really should know by now not to underestimate him.
The End