Ficlet: Substandard
Title: Substandard
Author: badly_knitted
Characters: Owen, Jack, Tosh, Gwen, Ianto.
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 942
Summary: Ianto is taking some time off, so the standard of coffee at the Hub has dropped dramatically.
Spoilers: Nada.
Written For: cozy_coffee’s comment_fic prompt ‘any, any, the coffee suck today!’
Disclaimer: I don’t own Torchwood or any of the characters. Which is sad.
Slumping into his seat at the boardroom table, Owen picked up his coffee mug, took a swig, and immediately spat in out again. “What the hell?” He pushed the mug away from him, glaring at it like it was some kind of disgusting biological specimen.
“Yes, Owen,” Jack said wearily. “I’m well aware that the coffee sucks today. If you think it’s that bad, feel free to go to the coffee shop across the Plas. You can get coffee for everyone else while you’re at it.”
“No way am I goin’ back out there if I don’t have to. It’s pouring and the wind feels like it’s coming from Siberia!”
“In that case, don’t complain about the quality of the coffee. I did the best I could; you can either drink it or not, your choice.”
“Wait a minute…” Owen turned his glare on Jack. “YOU made the coffee this mornin’? Where the fuck’s the teaboy?”
“Ianto’s taken a couple of days off for a family emergency.”
“He’s got a family? I thought he was a pod person.”
“Owen!” Tosh sounded shocked.
“Yes, Owen, Ianto does actually have family. He’s taking care of his nephew and niece while his sister has surgery. Nothing serious, it’s a minor procedure, but his brother-in-law just started a new job and couldn’t get the day off, so Ianto offered to help out for a day or two.”
“But what about our coffee? You expect us to drink that… swill for the next couple of days?”
“It’s not that bad,” Gwen said, taking a sip from her own mug. “Not if you add plenty of sugar.”
“No one’s forcing you to drink it, Owen,” Jack reminded the medic. “Now, if you’re done complaining about the quality of the coffee, can we get down to business?”
“Fine, but when we’re done here, I’ll make the coffee. Anything’s got to be better than what you’re serving up. Tastes like something died in it.”
“Like I said before, you know where the coffee shop is.” Jack opened the folder in front of him.
“Yeah, like I’m going to risk freezing to death to pay over the odds for crap coffee. D’you have any idea how much they charge? It’s daylight robbery.”
“I’m not paying you to complain all day, so unless you’ve got anything more constructive to say I suggest you shut up.”
“Whatever.”
“Now, perhaps we can get down to business.”
The morning briefing got underway, and Owen kept his mouth shut except for making unhelpful suggestions, and bitching about having to feed and clean out the residents in the vaults.
“Ianto isn’t here,” Jack reminded him. “But his regular tasks still need doing. That means all of us have to pitch in. Be thankful I’m not expecting you to feed Myfanwy as well.”
“I should think not. Damned leather budgie hates me.”
“You’ve only got yourself to blame for that, the way you tease her.” Jack slammed his folder closed. “Right, everyone’s got their assignments, so get to it. Oh, and Owen? I believe you volunteered to make the next round of coffee, so you can do that after you finish up downstairs. And make sure you secure all the cells properly this time. We don’t want the Hoix eating the other residents. Ianto would take a very dim view of that.”
“Screw you,” Owen grumbled, stomping out of the boardroom. Surely the day couldn’t get any worse.
Back upstairs an hour or so later, after dealing with the half-dozen residents in the cells, Owen set about making coffee. How hard could it be? The machine did most of the work; all he had to do was put coffee, water, and milk in the right receptacles, turn it on, and out would come delicious coffee. In theory.
Jack frowned into his mug. “And you said my coffee sucked. This looks like tar and tastes like battery acid.”
“He’s right,” Gwen agreed. “Jack’s coffee was at least drinkable. This looks like the stuff Rhys uses to clean the oven.”
“I’m going to make tea,” said Tosh. “Who wants some?”
Everyone raised their hand. Even Owen.
When Ianto returned to work two days later, the first time he went to make coffee, the rest of the team all flocked around him like baby birds eager to be fed.
“God, I need this!” Owen groaned, clutching his mug and taking a sip, burning his mouth in the process. “The last two days have been sheer hell!”
“We really missed you.” Tosh smiled at her friend. “How’s your sister?”
“She’s fine; Johnny and the kids are looking after her. Thanks for asking.”
“It’s really good to have you back, Ianto.” Gwen patted him on the arm, all smiles. “Thanks for this.” She raised her mug in a toast.
As his three colleagues wandered back to their desks carrying their steaming coffee mugs, Ianto sighed. “They only love me for my coffee.”
Jack leaned against the counter, smirking over the rim of his mug. “It is excellent coffee, but that’s not the only reason I love you.”
“We can explore your other reasons later.” Ianto picked up his own mug. “So, how bad exactly was Owen’s attempt at making coffee?”
“On a scale of one to ten, about a minus seven.”
Ianto smiled. “The quality of the beans really makes a difference. Fortunately, I had the sense to hide the good ones where no one would ever look for them.”
“What?” Jack stared at his lover in shock.
“You don’t think I’d let you lot muck around with my best blends, do you?” Ianto asked innocently. “That would have been a tragic waste.”
The End
Author: badly_knitted
Characters: Owen, Jack, Tosh, Gwen, Ianto.
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 942
Summary: Ianto is taking some time off, so the standard of coffee at the Hub has dropped dramatically.
Spoilers: Nada.
Written For: cozy_coffee’s comment_fic prompt ‘any, any, the coffee suck today!’
Disclaimer: I don’t own Torchwood or any of the characters. Which is sad.
Slumping into his seat at the boardroom table, Owen picked up his coffee mug, took a swig, and immediately spat in out again. “What the hell?” He pushed the mug away from him, glaring at it like it was some kind of disgusting biological specimen.
“Yes, Owen,” Jack said wearily. “I’m well aware that the coffee sucks today. If you think it’s that bad, feel free to go to the coffee shop across the Plas. You can get coffee for everyone else while you’re at it.”
“No way am I goin’ back out there if I don’t have to. It’s pouring and the wind feels like it’s coming from Siberia!”
“In that case, don’t complain about the quality of the coffee. I did the best I could; you can either drink it or not, your choice.”
“Wait a minute…” Owen turned his glare on Jack. “YOU made the coffee this mornin’? Where the fuck’s the teaboy?”
“Ianto’s taken a couple of days off for a family emergency.”
“He’s got a family? I thought he was a pod person.”
“Owen!” Tosh sounded shocked.
“Yes, Owen, Ianto does actually have family. He’s taking care of his nephew and niece while his sister has surgery. Nothing serious, it’s a minor procedure, but his brother-in-law just started a new job and couldn’t get the day off, so Ianto offered to help out for a day or two.”
“But what about our coffee? You expect us to drink that… swill for the next couple of days?”
“It’s not that bad,” Gwen said, taking a sip from her own mug. “Not if you add plenty of sugar.”
“No one’s forcing you to drink it, Owen,” Jack reminded the medic. “Now, if you’re done complaining about the quality of the coffee, can we get down to business?”
“Fine, but when we’re done here, I’ll make the coffee. Anything’s got to be better than what you’re serving up. Tastes like something died in it.”
“Like I said before, you know where the coffee shop is.” Jack opened the folder in front of him.
“Yeah, like I’m going to risk freezing to death to pay over the odds for crap coffee. D’you have any idea how much they charge? It’s daylight robbery.”
“I’m not paying you to complain all day, so unless you’ve got anything more constructive to say I suggest you shut up.”
“Whatever.”
“Now, perhaps we can get down to business.”
The morning briefing got underway, and Owen kept his mouth shut except for making unhelpful suggestions, and bitching about having to feed and clean out the residents in the vaults.
“Ianto isn’t here,” Jack reminded him. “But his regular tasks still need doing. That means all of us have to pitch in. Be thankful I’m not expecting you to feed Myfanwy as well.”
“I should think not. Damned leather budgie hates me.”
“You’ve only got yourself to blame for that, the way you tease her.” Jack slammed his folder closed. “Right, everyone’s got their assignments, so get to it. Oh, and Owen? I believe you volunteered to make the next round of coffee, so you can do that after you finish up downstairs. And make sure you secure all the cells properly this time. We don’t want the Hoix eating the other residents. Ianto would take a very dim view of that.”
“Screw you,” Owen grumbled, stomping out of the boardroom. Surely the day couldn’t get any worse.
Back upstairs an hour or so later, after dealing with the half-dozen residents in the cells, Owen set about making coffee. How hard could it be? The machine did most of the work; all he had to do was put coffee, water, and milk in the right receptacles, turn it on, and out would come delicious coffee. In theory.
Jack frowned into his mug. “And you said my coffee sucked. This looks like tar and tastes like battery acid.”
“He’s right,” Gwen agreed. “Jack’s coffee was at least drinkable. This looks like the stuff Rhys uses to clean the oven.”
“I’m going to make tea,” said Tosh. “Who wants some?”
Everyone raised their hand. Even Owen.
When Ianto returned to work two days later, the first time he went to make coffee, the rest of the team all flocked around him like baby birds eager to be fed.
“God, I need this!” Owen groaned, clutching his mug and taking a sip, burning his mouth in the process. “The last two days have been sheer hell!”
“We really missed you.” Tosh smiled at her friend. “How’s your sister?”
“She’s fine; Johnny and the kids are looking after her. Thanks for asking.”
“It’s really good to have you back, Ianto.” Gwen patted him on the arm, all smiles. “Thanks for this.” She raised her mug in a toast.
As his three colleagues wandered back to their desks carrying their steaming coffee mugs, Ianto sighed. “They only love me for my coffee.”
Jack leaned against the counter, smirking over the rim of his mug. “It is excellent coffee, but that’s not the only reason I love you.”
“We can explore your other reasons later.” Ianto picked up his own mug. “So, how bad exactly was Owen’s attempt at making coffee?”
“On a scale of one to ten, about a minus seven.”
Ianto smiled. “The quality of the beans really makes a difference. Fortunately, I had the sense to hide the good ones where no one would ever look for them.”
“What?” Jack stared at his lover in shock.
“You don’t think I’d let you lot muck around with my best blends, do you?” Ianto asked innocently. “That would have been a tragic waste.”
The End