FAKE Fic: Undeserved Forgiveness
Title: Undeserved Forgiveness
Fandom: FAKE
Author: badly_knitted
Characters: Dee, Ryo, Mother, Jess.
Rating: PG
Setting: Vol. 2, Act 6.
Summary: Dee has never felt more ashamed of himself. How can he ever hope to make amends when he knows he doesn’t deserve to be forgiven?
Word Count: 1226
Written For: Theme Prompt 154: Atonement at fandomweekly.
Disclaimer: I don’t own FAKE, or the characters. They belong to the wonderful Sanami Matoh.
As they left the alleyway, Ryo steering the handcuffed Ben Lloyd ahead of him, Dee couldn’t bring himself to look at his partner. He was overwhelmed with shame over what he’d done, the bloody graze on his partner’s cheek both an accusation and a condemnation of his stupidity.
What had he been thinking? Maybe the problem was that he hadn’t been thinking at all, too consumed by rage and hate to even consider the possible consequences of his actions. Most of it had been directed at the wrong person anyway; Lloyd may have built and planted the bomb, but it hadn’t been his idea. He was just lowlife scum, willing to do anything for anyone if the price was right. Probably would’ve sold his own sister, if he had one, for a ten grand payday.e
‘I musta been outta my ever-lovin’ mind,’ Dee thought gloomily. He’d temporarily taken leave of his senses, that was the only possible explanation. Traumatic experiences could do that to a guy, but it didn’t absolve him of the guilt that was dragging at him, trying to crush him beneath its weight. He was the one who’d pulled the trigger, the one who’d almost shot his partner, had in fact clipped him with the bullet. He’d come within inches of killing, or at least maiming, the man he was pretty sure he loved. Temporary insanity wasn’t a good enough excuse. There were NO excuses good enough for what he’d done. Never would be.
What could he even say to Ryo? “Sorry I threatened to kill you for getting in my way when I was trying to take revenge against an unarmed man for destroying the orphanage and putting Mother in the hospital?” Yeah, right, that would fix everything. Not.
Now he’d regained his senses and was able to think more clearly, he had to wonder what good revenge would have been anyway. If he’d murdered Lloyd, in cold blood no less, Mother would have been horrified; he would have been betraying everything she stood for. She’d raised him to do what was right and if, God forbid, she didn’t survive her injuries, he was pretty sure she’d haunt his ass for the rest of his days. He’d deserve it too.
This wasn’t the first time he’d wanted to take revenge on someone, but last time it had been Jess who’d talked him down, made him think about what he was planning.
“You want revenge? What’s it worth to you?”
“What d’you mean? I just wanna put Ricky in his place, make him pay for what he did to me! Can’t let him get away with it; what would my friends think?”
“And then what? Exactly what d’you think you’d gain by putting this kid in his place?”
Eleven-year-old Dee had shrugged thin shoulders. “I dunno.”
“D’you think it’ll teach him a lesson, or that it’ll make you feel better? It won’t. Revenge doesn’t solve anything. You’ll end up feeling worse than you already do, because you’ll have stooped to his level. Do that and you’ll have lost your self-respect, and that’s something you’ll never get back. Revenge is a sucker’s game, Dee, played by people who never had any self-respect to start with. You can’t lose what you never had. You’re better than that.”
Hands jammed in his pockets and shoulders sagging, wallowing in misery and self-disgust, Dee shambled along in his partner’s wake, sighing heavily; he’d thought he’d already hit rock-bottom, but the memory of that long-ago conversation made him sink even lower. Jess had been right about the price of revenge all along; he’d sacrificed his self-respect, and probably any hope of ever winning Ryo’s heart, over a scumbag with no morals whose days were numbered anyway. Hell, if you looked up the word ‘Loser’ in a dictionary, you’d probably find a picture of Ben Lloyd.
“You okay?”
Dee was jolted out of his pity party by his partner’s quiet words. Way to rub salt in his self-inflicted wounds; he’d been about to kill an unarmed man, had threatened to shoot his own partner for getting in the way, had even gone so far as to fire at him, and Ryo wanted to know if HE was alright? What was he supposed to say to that? How about some simple honesty? He owed his partner at least that much.
“No, I’m not okay, and you shouldn’t be either, not after what I did to ya. I could’a killed ya, you should be yellin’ at me for endangerin’ your life, for bein’ a jerk, for takin’ the law into my own hands, not worryin’ about me. I don’t deserve it.”
“I already tried yelling at you; not sure it had much effect, but I didn’t know what else to try since you didn’t want to listen to reason.”
Risking a sidelong glance at his partner, Dee caught Ryo’s wry smile. “I don’t know how ya can be so calm, not after…” He trailed off uncomfortably, looking down at the ground.
“It’s over, and everyone’s still in one piece. You’re not a murderer, Dee. I knew you wouldn’t really shoot me.”
“Yeah? Well, I didn’t. Scared the hell outta me when my gun went off.”
“Gave me a bit of a fright too, but I’m pretty sure you didn’t mean to pull the trigger. It was just bad luck the bullet grazed me. If you’d really been trying to shoot me, I wouldn’t be talking to you now. You’re not such a bad shot that you would’ve missed at that range, not unless you meant to.”
“I had no business wavin’ my gun at ya in the first place. You were only tryin’ to keep me from doin’ somethin’ monumentally stupid.”
“Nice to see you’ve come to your senses.”
Dee winced. “Thanks, I think. Don’t know why you’re not mad at me though; ya oughta be tellin’ me what a disappointment I am, maybe givin’ me a swift kick up the ass before askin’ to be assigned a new partner.”
“I don’t want a new partner; I happen to like the one I’ve got.”
“Seriously? Even after how I acted back there, you’re still willin’ to work with me?”
“Of course. You lost your head for a bit, you were too angry and upset to think clearly, and that’s completely understandable. Mother’s your family of course you want the person responsible for hurting her to pay for what they did. But you’re also a cop, and you know it’s not your place to play judge and jury.”
“Yeah, I do know. I just forgot for a bit.”
“Heat of the moment, it can happen to anyone. Anyway, no permanent harm done, and there were extenuating circumstances, so you’re forgiven. By me, at least.”
If anything, Ryo’s understanding and forgiveness just made Dee feel even worse. “I don’t deserve to be forgiven. Hell, I’m never gonna forgive myself. Why d’ya always haveta be so nice?”
Ryo shrugged. “That’s just the way I am. I’ve never seen much point in holding grudges, especially not against friends.”
Dee huffed; there was no reasoning with his partner! Mother Theresa could’ve learned a thing or two from him. Ryo could forgive him all he wanted, but Dee decided there and then that he wouldn’t accept it, not until he’d somehow made amends, however long that might take.
The End
Fandom: FAKE
Author: badly_knitted
Characters: Dee, Ryo, Mother, Jess.
Rating: PG
Setting: Vol. 2, Act 6.
Summary: Dee has never felt more ashamed of himself. How can he ever hope to make amends when he knows he doesn’t deserve to be forgiven?
Word Count: 1226
Written For: Theme Prompt 154: Atonement at fandomweekly.
Disclaimer: I don’t own FAKE, or the characters. They belong to the wonderful Sanami Matoh.
As they left the alleyway, Ryo steering the handcuffed Ben Lloyd ahead of him, Dee couldn’t bring himself to look at his partner. He was overwhelmed with shame over what he’d done, the bloody graze on his partner’s cheek both an accusation and a condemnation of his stupidity.
What had he been thinking? Maybe the problem was that he hadn’t been thinking at all, too consumed by rage and hate to even consider the possible consequences of his actions. Most of it had been directed at the wrong person anyway; Lloyd may have built and planted the bomb, but it hadn’t been his idea. He was just lowlife scum, willing to do anything for anyone if the price was right. Probably would’ve sold his own sister, if he had one, for a ten grand payday.e
‘I musta been outta my ever-lovin’ mind,’ Dee thought gloomily. He’d temporarily taken leave of his senses, that was the only possible explanation. Traumatic experiences could do that to a guy, but it didn’t absolve him of the guilt that was dragging at him, trying to crush him beneath its weight. He was the one who’d pulled the trigger, the one who’d almost shot his partner, had in fact clipped him with the bullet. He’d come within inches of killing, or at least maiming, the man he was pretty sure he loved. Temporary insanity wasn’t a good enough excuse. There were NO excuses good enough for what he’d done. Never would be.
What could he even say to Ryo? “Sorry I threatened to kill you for getting in my way when I was trying to take revenge against an unarmed man for destroying the orphanage and putting Mother in the hospital?” Yeah, right, that would fix everything. Not.
Now he’d regained his senses and was able to think more clearly, he had to wonder what good revenge would have been anyway. If he’d murdered Lloyd, in cold blood no less, Mother would have been horrified; he would have been betraying everything she stood for. She’d raised him to do what was right and if, God forbid, she didn’t survive her injuries, he was pretty sure she’d haunt his ass for the rest of his days. He’d deserve it too.
This wasn’t the first time he’d wanted to take revenge on someone, but last time it had been Jess who’d talked him down, made him think about what he was planning.
“You want revenge? What’s it worth to you?”
“What d’you mean? I just wanna put Ricky in his place, make him pay for what he did to me! Can’t let him get away with it; what would my friends think?”
“And then what? Exactly what d’you think you’d gain by putting this kid in his place?”
Eleven-year-old Dee had shrugged thin shoulders. “I dunno.”
“D’you think it’ll teach him a lesson, or that it’ll make you feel better? It won’t. Revenge doesn’t solve anything. You’ll end up feeling worse than you already do, because you’ll have stooped to his level. Do that and you’ll have lost your self-respect, and that’s something you’ll never get back. Revenge is a sucker’s game, Dee, played by people who never had any self-respect to start with. You can’t lose what you never had. You’re better than that.”
Hands jammed in his pockets and shoulders sagging, wallowing in misery and self-disgust, Dee shambled along in his partner’s wake, sighing heavily; he’d thought he’d already hit rock-bottom, but the memory of that long-ago conversation made him sink even lower. Jess had been right about the price of revenge all along; he’d sacrificed his self-respect, and probably any hope of ever winning Ryo’s heart, over a scumbag with no morals whose days were numbered anyway. Hell, if you looked up the word ‘Loser’ in a dictionary, you’d probably find a picture of Ben Lloyd.
“You okay?”
Dee was jolted out of his pity party by his partner’s quiet words. Way to rub salt in his self-inflicted wounds; he’d been about to kill an unarmed man, had threatened to shoot his own partner for getting in the way, had even gone so far as to fire at him, and Ryo wanted to know if HE was alright? What was he supposed to say to that? How about some simple honesty? He owed his partner at least that much.
“No, I’m not okay, and you shouldn’t be either, not after what I did to ya. I could’a killed ya, you should be yellin’ at me for endangerin’ your life, for bein’ a jerk, for takin’ the law into my own hands, not worryin’ about me. I don’t deserve it.”
“I already tried yelling at you; not sure it had much effect, but I didn’t know what else to try since you didn’t want to listen to reason.”
Risking a sidelong glance at his partner, Dee caught Ryo’s wry smile. “I don’t know how ya can be so calm, not after…” He trailed off uncomfortably, looking down at the ground.
“It’s over, and everyone’s still in one piece. You’re not a murderer, Dee. I knew you wouldn’t really shoot me.”
“Yeah? Well, I didn’t. Scared the hell outta me when my gun went off.”
“Gave me a bit of a fright too, but I’m pretty sure you didn’t mean to pull the trigger. It was just bad luck the bullet grazed me. If you’d really been trying to shoot me, I wouldn’t be talking to you now. You’re not such a bad shot that you would’ve missed at that range, not unless you meant to.”
“I had no business wavin’ my gun at ya in the first place. You were only tryin’ to keep me from doin’ somethin’ monumentally stupid.”
“Nice to see you’ve come to your senses.”
Dee winced. “Thanks, I think. Don’t know why you’re not mad at me though; ya oughta be tellin’ me what a disappointment I am, maybe givin’ me a swift kick up the ass before askin’ to be assigned a new partner.”
“I don’t want a new partner; I happen to like the one I’ve got.”
“Seriously? Even after how I acted back there, you’re still willin’ to work with me?”
“Of course. You lost your head for a bit, you were too angry and upset to think clearly, and that’s completely understandable. Mother’s your family of course you want the person responsible for hurting her to pay for what they did. But you’re also a cop, and you know it’s not your place to play judge and jury.”
“Yeah, I do know. I just forgot for a bit.”
“Heat of the moment, it can happen to anyone. Anyway, no permanent harm done, and there were extenuating circumstances, so you’re forgiven. By me, at least.”
If anything, Ryo’s understanding and forgiveness just made Dee feel even worse. “I don’t deserve to be forgiven. Hell, I’m never gonna forgive myself. Why d’ya always haveta be so nice?”
Ryo shrugged. “That’s just the way I am. I’ve never seen much point in holding grudges, especially not against friends.”
Dee huffed; there was no reasoning with his partner! Mother Theresa could’ve learned a thing or two from him. Ryo could forgive him all he wanted, but Dee decided there and then that he wouldn’t accept it, not until he’d somehow made amends, however long that might take.
The End