Harry Potter Published Badfic: Even Worse Than FF.Net
I hear you laugh derisively at my subject line. There is no published Harry Potter badfic, you insist; JK and Bloomsbury would come down on them like, well, like JK and Bloomsbury coming down on Steve Vander Ark. If he can’t get away with using the HP brand, there’s no way some ghastly third-rate scribbler’s going to be able to!
...Yes they do. In China.
First of all I must own up to being British and never having even visited China. I got all my information from this article and the translation it links to. However, I thought I’d summarise the best bits for your entertainment.
This is our first tome, the snappily-titled Harry Potter and the Leopard Walk-Up-To Dragon. As you can see, the covers features absolutely no leopards, but does have a centaur sporting a giant pink erection in an anatomically improbable place. Presumably it’s not meant to be a penis, but I’ve examined this picture from all angles and I’m damned if I can think what else it’s supposed to be. (If anyone else has any ideas, please suggest them. PLEASE.)
We have more quotes from this book than any other, thanks to the translation provided by our friends at the Young Family Site. After reading them, I rather wish we hadn’t, but there we are.
Chapter 1: A Sweet and Sour Rainfall
Harry did not know how long this bath would take, when he would finally scrub off that oily, sticky layer of cake icing. For someone who had grown into a cultured, polite young man, a layer of sticky filth really made him feel sick. He lay in the high quality porcelain tub ceaselessly wiping his face. In his thoughts there was nothing but Dudley's fat face, fat as his Aunt Petunia's fat rear end.
I really don’t like the way this is going.
Ron faced the portrait of DaVinci's old man and said the spell: "Fried banana pudding.”
...What?
"Who am I? Why don't you come out and look, then you will know." that strange, cruel, and malicious laugh changed into an owl's hoot. Outside the white window the shadow of a giant tail waved back and forth like a dead 1000 year old tree blowing wildly in the wind.
Oh, well, now I know exactly what it looks like. I see dead thousand-year-old trees blowing wildly in the wind all the time.
Chapter 2: Hobbit Harry
There was a hobbit, who didn't even know how to return home. He lived in a hole in the ground, and didn't know where he came from or where he was going to. He even didn't know why he had become a hobbit. This was Hogwartz School of Witchcraft and Wizardry 5th year apprentice Harry Potter.
Harry lived in a hole in the ground. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat...
99% of the rest of the book is J. R. R. Tolkien’s “The Hobbit” with the names changed. The only original part is the final chapter, which for reasons I don’t understand is called “The Doughnut Turns”.
But enough of that! Let’s have another cover!
Or not. Moving swiftly on:
No, you haven’t read it wrong; that really does say “Harry Potter and the Filler of Big”. I can sense your collective relief as we return to our familiar milieu of porn and innuendo. However, there is none; the titular Filler of Big is a giant funnel, and the book’s plot is that the students keep spontaneously turning into chairs. I think I preferred the porn.
To make it worse, that’s one of the better plots in these books. Here are some of the others:
• Chinese students who are better than British students at everything
• Lots of Gandalf (or "Gandolf", whoever he is)
• Evil!Harry!
• Dudley shagging an exotic dancer
• Hermione is kidnapped by something nasty and various male characters have to go and save her
Awww. Badfic’s the same everywhere! Except that the Pit doesn’t have characters called Big Spinach.
I shall leave you with my favourite excerpt (from the imaginatively-titled Harry Potter and Platform Nine-and-Three-Quarters):
I would ride on my favorite flying broom, together with Hedwig and my magic wand, go-go-go, night clouds in the urban sky would cover my trails, and the meteor you saw in the sky was my traipsing manteau.
...From now on I shall incorporate “traipsing manteau” into every post I make.
...Yes they do. In China.
First of all I must own up to being British and never having even visited China. I got all my information from this article and the translation it links to. However, I thought I’d summarise the best bits for your entertainment.
This is our first tome, the snappily-titled Harry Potter and the Leopard Walk-Up-To Dragon. As you can see, the covers features absolutely no leopards, but does have a centaur sporting a giant pink erection in an anatomically improbable place. Presumably it’s not meant to be a penis, but I’ve examined this picture from all angles and I’m damned if I can think what else it’s supposed to be. (If anyone else has any ideas, please suggest them. PLEASE.)
We have more quotes from this book than any other, thanks to the translation provided by our friends at the Young Family Site. After reading them, I rather wish we hadn’t, but there we are.
Chapter 1: A Sweet and Sour Rainfall
Harry did not know how long this bath would take, when he would finally scrub off that oily, sticky layer of cake icing. For someone who had grown into a cultured, polite young man, a layer of sticky filth really made him feel sick. He lay in the high quality porcelain tub ceaselessly wiping his face. In his thoughts there was nothing but Dudley's fat face, fat as his Aunt Petunia's fat rear end.
I really don’t like the way this is going.
Ron faced the portrait of DaVinci's old man and said the spell: "Fried banana pudding.”
...What?
"Who am I? Why don't you come out and look, then you will know." that strange, cruel, and malicious laugh changed into an owl's hoot. Outside the white window the shadow of a giant tail waved back and forth like a dead 1000 year old tree blowing wildly in the wind.
Oh, well, now I know exactly what it looks like. I see dead thousand-year-old trees blowing wildly in the wind all the time.
Chapter 2: Hobbit Harry
There was a hobbit, who didn't even know how to return home. He lived in a hole in the ground, and didn't know where he came from or where he was going to. He even didn't know why he had become a hobbit. This was Hogwartz School of Witchcraft and Wizardry 5th year apprentice Harry Potter.
Harry lived in a hole in the ground. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat...
99% of the rest of the book is J. R. R. Tolkien’s “The Hobbit” with the names changed. The only original part is the final chapter, which for reasons I don’t understand is called “The Doughnut Turns”.
But enough of that! Let’s have another cover!
Or not. Moving swiftly on:
No, you haven’t read it wrong; that really does say “Harry Potter and the Filler of Big”. I can sense your collective relief as we return to our familiar milieu of porn and innuendo. However, there is none; the titular Filler of Big is a giant funnel, and the book’s plot is that the students keep spontaneously turning into chairs. I think I preferred the porn.
To make it worse, that’s one of the better plots in these books. Here are some of the others:
• Chinese students who are better than British students at everything
• Lots of Gandalf (or "Gandolf", whoever he is)
• Evil!Harry!
• Dudley shagging an exotic dancer
• Hermione is kidnapped by something nasty and various male characters have to go and save her
Awww. Badfic’s the same everywhere! Except that the Pit doesn’t have characters called Big Spinach.
I shall leave you with my favourite excerpt (from the imaginatively-titled Harry Potter and Platform Nine-and-Three-Quarters):
I would ride on my favorite flying broom, together with Hedwig and my magic wand, go-go-go, night clouds in the urban sky would cover my trails, and the meteor you saw in the sky was my traipsing manteau.
...From now on I shall incorporate “traipsing manteau” into every post I make.