FIC: Lost. Broken, Confused
Title: Lost, Broken, Confused
Author: Adelaide Elizabeth Morgan (falconkenobi@aol.com)
Author Web Page: http://www.aemslash.co.uk Obsess, Much?
Fandom: RPS - Good Charlotte
Categories: Joel Madden, angst, hurt/comfort
Rating: PG-13
Archive: Yes to list archives. All others please let me know where so I can come and preen, okay?
Thanks to: You, for reading this. Paul, for being patient and understanding when I disappear into the computer room for days on end to write.
Disclaimer: Benji & Joel Madden are real people, and the events in this story are just that - fictional, figments of my sick and twisted imagination. Hell, call it a fantasy if it makes you feel better. Whatever. No rumours should be started in regards to any events in these works of fiction. This story is written purely for entertainment purposes and no money is being made out of it.
Summary: Joel has always been the ‘strong’ twin but finds himself struggling to cope when he thinks he’s lost Benji
I have absolutely no idea where this came from but I spent like all day at work typing it into an email to myself when no-one was looking. And it's very different to stuff I normally write. And I'm starting to think I have something against the name Tom - this is the second fic I've written where the bad guy is called Tom.
LOL
anyway
He didn't look up at her soft greeting when she entered the room, nor when she sat down on the bed next to him. He flinched when she touched his arm gently but still didn't look at her.
"Hey," she whispered again, willing him to respond.
Without speaking, he rolled his head to the side and looked at her before turning back to stare at the ceiling, folding his arms under his head.
"What’s wrong?" she asked, sighing when he half-shrugged his shoulders. "I'm worried about you Joel. It’s almost as if... the more we're coaxing Benji back, the more you're withdrawing into your shell. And I don't like it. Look, I know I'm Benji's doctor, but you do know you can trust me, don't you?"
Joel nodded, pulling himself to a sitting position, back to the wall, knees to his chest and arms wrapped around his legs. He met Maggie's gaze and smiled weakly, eyes wet with unshed tears. "I know. And I do."
"Then talk to me," she urged. "Tell me why Joel doesn't want to come out any more."
"Because he's scared," Joel admitted, voice breaking.
Maggie nodded, moving to sit opposite him, legs crossed under her, one hand resting on his knee. "What's he scared of?" She asked, smiling reassuringly.
"I… Uhh..." Joel opened his mouth but no words came out. He sighed shakily and rested his chin on his knees, staring at the duvet between him and Maggie. "Can I tell you a story?"
"Knock yourself out."
Joel took a deep breath, trying to organise his thoughts before he spoke. "Once upon a time there were these two boys called Benjamin and Joel. They were best friends as well as brothers, always played together, always did everything together. The other kids used to pick on them and it hurt, but they'd always be ok because they had each other. One year their dad left them and things were pretty bad but they good through it together and it didn't matter because they had each other and didn't need anyone else. Joel thought it would always be that way," his voice hitched. "But it wasn't." His tears spilled over, coursing down his cheeks. He made no move to wipe them away, tasting their salty tang as he spoke. "Benji met a new friend." There was a hint of bitterness lacing the pain in his voice "Tom," he spat. "Benji didn't want to know Joel anymore because he had Tom. And that hurt Joel because he still wanted to be Benji’s friend, but Benji didn't even seem to notice him anymore and that made Joel sad. Joel wanted Benji to be happy, and he thought Benji was happy with Tom. To start with Benji was but then… Tom wasn’t a very nice friend to Benji and he hurt Benji and seeing Benji hurt made Joel hurt worse. Tom and Benji stopped being friends and Joel was kinda happy about that because he thought he was going to get Benji back. And he did. Sort of. But Benji was unhappy and hurt and sad and… and…” He choked to a stop, his tears getting the better of him again, shoulders shaking as he cried quietly.
Maggie's heart went out to him and she felt herself aching to comfort him but forced herself not to, instinctively knowing that comfort was not what he needed, at least not now and not from her. What he needed was someone to talk to and she respected that, waiting patiently for him to continue
Joel sniffed, knuckling his eyes before he looking up at Maggie. "I'm sorry," he whispered, fresh tears filling his now red-rimmed eyes.
Maggie shook her head. "No need to be," she reassured him and he smiled weakly at her, a smile she returned.
"I just want my brother back, I want my Benji back, but I'm scared. Scared he's going to… to leave me again. I know I’m being selfish but he's already tried to leave me twice and... It hurts. When he tried to kill himself it felt like a part of me died with him and I don’t... I can't do that again. I love him, Maggie. He means everything to me and I don’t know what I would do without him. And how could I live with myself knowing that Benji was de… gone and it was all my fault." His voice broke as he finished, his expression pure misery, eyes begging Maggie to make everything better.
"Joel, no..." She shook her head. "No, it was not your fault. Nothing that's happened is your fault." Joel opened his mouth to reply but Maggie continued. "Listen to me Joel. Benji had been badly abused by Tom for years and it left him very depressed. He's just as scared as you are and... It's not your fault, Joel."
Joel shook his head, moaning softly. "No, you don't understand, it is my fault," he insisted, wiping away more tears from his eyes. "I should have known. We're twins, we know how each other is feeling and I didn't... I.... I hated Tom from the start. I was jealous; he was taking Benji away from me. But the more Tom was around the less I liked him and I knew it wasn't just me being jealous. There was something funny about him. Benji started getting bruises and... And I had this feeling that Tom... I asked Benji but he denied it. And I believed him because I wanted him to be happy and I thought he was happy with Tom. But he wasn't. I should've known but I didn't and I don’t know why." Joel sighed, his gaze dropping down to the bed again. "When Benji came home I was happier than I’d been in years - I had him back and I thought that thing would go back to the way it always used to be, we'd be Benji-and-Joel again, I didn't even notice that Benji wasn't... that he wasn't my Benji anymore and I didn't know. So when he tried to kill himself it was my fault."
Maggie's eyes grew wide and she opened her mouth to reply, but was interrupted by a low moan from behind her. Both Maggie and Joel turned to look in time to see Benji pushing himself from where he'd been leaning on the doorframe, his tears streaking his eyeliner down his cheeks.
Joel whimpered, the colour draining from his cheeks as he frantically tried to wipe away his tears with the backs of his hands, eyes flashing accusations at Maggie, who exhaled heavily as she slid off the bed, moving to stand in front of Benji, trying to stop him from stepping further into the room.
She crossed her arms over her chest and stared at him. "Benji, I think you should leave."
Benji glared at her but nodded slowly. "You're right," he agreed. "I should." He shook his head, gaze landing on Joel. "But I can't." He pushed past Maggie, quickly crossing the room to sit on the bed next to Joel, pulling him into his arms. "Joel..." Joel tensed, a low moan ripped from his throat before he collapsed against Benji, arms twining around his neck, head buried in his shoulder as he cried, tears soaking into the cotton of Benji's t-shirt. "Joel, please... I'm sorry...I... Maggie's right though, don't go blaming yourself, it's not your fault." He held on to Joel tighter, his tears dripping down Joel's neck as he laughed dryly. "G, we've really f up, haven't we? I never meant to hurt you, Joel, I'm so f sorry and I promise you I’m not going anywhere, I’m never gonna leave you, I promise, ok?"
Joel pulled back to meet Benji's eyes and nodded, before leaning back against him again, trembling lightly. Benji sighed, resting his cheek on Joel's head, rocking him gently as they both cried, neither of them noticing as Maggie slipped out of the door, leaving them alone.
Author: Adelaide Elizabeth Morgan (falconkenobi@aol.com)
Author Web Page: http://www.aemslash.co.uk Obsess, Much?
Fandom: RPS - Good Charlotte
Categories: Joel Madden, angst, hurt/comfort
Rating: PG-13
Archive: Yes to list archives. All others please let me know where so I can come and preen, okay?
Thanks to: You, for reading this. Paul, for being patient and understanding when I disappear into the computer room for days on end to write.
Disclaimer: Benji & Joel Madden are real people, and the events in this story are just that - fictional, figments of my sick and twisted imagination. Hell, call it a fantasy if it makes you feel better. Whatever. No rumours should be started in regards to any events in these works of fiction. This story is written purely for entertainment purposes and no money is being made out of it.
Summary: Joel has always been the ‘strong’ twin but finds himself struggling to cope when he thinks he’s lost Benji
I have absolutely no idea where this came from but I spent like all day at work typing it into an email to myself when no-one was looking. And it's very different to stuff I normally write. And I'm starting to think I have something against the name Tom - this is the second fic I've written where the bad guy is called Tom.
LOL
anyway
He didn't look up at her soft greeting when she entered the room, nor when she sat down on the bed next to him. He flinched when she touched his arm gently but still didn't look at her.
"Hey," she whispered again, willing him to respond.
Without speaking, he rolled his head to the side and looked at her before turning back to stare at the ceiling, folding his arms under his head.
"What’s wrong?" she asked, sighing when he half-shrugged his shoulders. "I'm worried about you Joel. It’s almost as if... the more we're coaxing Benji back, the more you're withdrawing into your shell. And I don't like it. Look, I know I'm Benji's doctor, but you do know you can trust me, don't you?"
Joel nodded, pulling himself to a sitting position, back to the wall, knees to his chest and arms wrapped around his legs. He met Maggie's gaze and smiled weakly, eyes wet with unshed tears. "I know. And I do."
"Then talk to me," she urged. "Tell me why Joel doesn't want to come out any more."
"Because he's scared," Joel admitted, voice breaking.
Maggie nodded, moving to sit opposite him, legs crossed under her, one hand resting on his knee. "What's he scared of?" She asked, smiling reassuringly.
"I… Uhh..." Joel opened his mouth but no words came out. He sighed shakily and rested his chin on his knees, staring at the duvet between him and Maggie. "Can I tell you a story?"
"Knock yourself out."
Joel took a deep breath, trying to organise his thoughts before he spoke. "Once upon a time there were these two boys called Benjamin and Joel. They were best friends as well as brothers, always played together, always did everything together. The other kids used to pick on them and it hurt, but they'd always be ok because they had each other. One year their dad left them and things were pretty bad but they good through it together and it didn't matter because they had each other and didn't need anyone else. Joel thought it would always be that way," his voice hitched. "But it wasn't." His tears spilled over, coursing down his cheeks. He made no move to wipe them away, tasting their salty tang as he spoke. "Benji met a new friend." There was a hint of bitterness lacing the pain in his voice "Tom," he spat. "Benji didn't want to know Joel anymore because he had Tom. And that hurt Joel because he still wanted to be Benji’s friend, but Benji didn't even seem to notice him anymore and that made Joel sad. Joel wanted Benji to be happy, and he thought Benji was happy with Tom. To start with Benji was but then… Tom wasn’t a very nice friend to Benji and he hurt Benji and seeing Benji hurt made Joel hurt worse. Tom and Benji stopped being friends and Joel was kinda happy about that because he thought he was going to get Benji back. And he did. Sort of. But Benji was unhappy and hurt and sad and… and…” He choked to a stop, his tears getting the better of him again, shoulders shaking as he cried quietly.
Maggie's heart went out to him and she felt herself aching to comfort him but forced herself not to, instinctively knowing that comfort was not what he needed, at least not now and not from her. What he needed was someone to talk to and she respected that, waiting patiently for him to continue
Joel sniffed, knuckling his eyes before he looking up at Maggie. "I'm sorry," he whispered, fresh tears filling his now red-rimmed eyes.
Maggie shook her head. "No need to be," she reassured him and he smiled weakly at her, a smile she returned.
"I just want my brother back, I want my Benji back, but I'm scared. Scared he's going to… to leave me again. I know I’m being selfish but he's already tried to leave me twice and... It hurts. When he tried to kill himself it felt like a part of me died with him and I don’t... I can't do that again. I love him, Maggie. He means everything to me and I don’t know what I would do without him. And how could I live with myself knowing that Benji was de… gone and it was all my fault." His voice broke as he finished, his expression pure misery, eyes begging Maggie to make everything better.
"Joel, no..." She shook her head. "No, it was not your fault. Nothing that's happened is your fault." Joel opened his mouth to reply but Maggie continued. "Listen to me Joel. Benji had been badly abused by Tom for years and it left him very depressed. He's just as scared as you are and... It's not your fault, Joel."
Joel shook his head, moaning softly. "No, you don't understand, it is my fault," he insisted, wiping away more tears from his eyes. "I should have known. We're twins, we know how each other is feeling and I didn't... I.... I hated Tom from the start. I was jealous; he was taking Benji away from me. But the more Tom was around the less I liked him and I knew it wasn't just me being jealous. There was something funny about him. Benji started getting bruises and... And I had this feeling that Tom... I asked Benji but he denied it. And I believed him because I wanted him to be happy and I thought he was happy with Tom. But he wasn't. I should've known but I didn't and I don’t know why." Joel sighed, his gaze dropping down to the bed again. "When Benji came home I was happier than I’d been in years - I had him back and I thought that thing would go back to the way it always used to be, we'd be Benji-and-Joel again, I didn't even notice that Benji wasn't... that he wasn't my Benji anymore and I didn't know. So when he tried to kill himself it was my fault."
Maggie's eyes grew wide and she opened her mouth to reply, but was interrupted by a low moan from behind her. Both Maggie and Joel turned to look in time to see Benji pushing himself from where he'd been leaning on the doorframe, his tears streaking his eyeliner down his cheeks.
Joel whimpered, the colour draining from his cheeks as he frantically tried to wipe away his tears with the backs of his hands, eyes flashing accusations at Maggie, who exhaled heavily as she slid off the bed, moving to stand in front of Benji, trying to stop him from stepping further into the room.
She crossed her arms over her chest and stared at him. "Benji, I think you should leave."
Benji glared at her but nodded slowly. "You're right," he agreed. "I should." He shook his head, gaze landing on Joel. "But I can't." He pushed past Maggie, quickly crossing the room to sit on the bed next to Joel, pulling him into his arms. "Joel..." Joel tensed, a low moan ripped from his throat before he collapsed against Benji, arms twining around his neck, head buried in his shoulder as he cried, tears soaking into the cotton of Benji's t-shirt. "Joel, please... I'm sorry...I... Maggie's right though, don't go blaming yourself, it's not your fault." He held on to Joel tighter, his tears dripping down Joel's neck as he laughed dryly. "G, we've really f up, haven't we? I never meant to hurt you, Joel, I'm so f sorry and I promise you I’m not going anywhere, I’m never gonna leave you, I promise, ok?"
Joel pulled back to meet Benji's eyes and nodded, before leaning back against him again, trembling lightly. Benji sighed, resting his cheek on Joel's head, rocking him gently as they both cried, neither of them noticing as Maggie slipped out of the door, leaving them alone.