Some similar issues to the first part. Again, I like it but I think there are some places where you could improve the flow. Here's a few examples.
1) Picking up the bigger doll, he noticed it looked like a classic sailor’s outfit, though it was done all in black and white, and the face of the doll was painted to look more like a mime or a member of KISS.
The way the sentence is worded it sounds like the doll is just s suit of clothing.
2) Don finally felt the warmth inside the suit of his own blood as he staggered back to the waiting hovercraft.
Misplaced modifier, easily fixed. Don felt the warmth of his own blood inside the suit as he staggered back to the waiting hovercraft.
3) Luckily, he was able to have the remote tracker to his hovercraft, and within a minute, it was idling next to the blaze that had engulfed the old warehouse.
Awkward sentence. “he was able to have the remote tracker”? It works better as “he had the remote tracker” although I’m not sure if that’s what you were going for.
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1) Picking up the bigger doll, he noticed it looked like a classic sailor’s outfit, though it was done all in black and white, and the face of the doll was painted to look more like a mime or a member of KISS.
The way the sentence is worded it sounds like the doll is just s suit of clothing.
2) Don finally felt the warmth inside the suit of his own blood as he staggered back to the waiting hovercraft.
Misplaced modifier, easily fixed.
Don felt the warmth of his own blood inside the suit as he staggered back to the waiting hovercraft.
3) Luckily, he was able to have the remote tracker to his hovercraft, and within a minute, it was idling next to the blaze that had engulfed the old warehouse.
Awkward sentence. “he was able to have the remote tracker”? It works better as “he had the remote tracker” although I’m not sure if that’s what you were going for.
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