Hotmen-Cheesecake vs. Awesome Inc: Part 1 of 3
Back in the fall term, two companies were conceived at St. Paul’s: the accounting firm of Hotmen-Cheesecake, and t-shirt company Awesome Inc. In today’s episode, we see Victoria trying to make a decision between the two while putting up with the antics of the coworkers at her company and the recruiters at her long-time nemesis.
* * * * * * * *
[Our story opens in the corner office of the small accounting firm Hotmen-Cheesecake, located in the pleasant hamlet of Waterloo. We see Victoria putting the finishing touches on her latest financial report.]
Victoria: There we go. Hotmen-Cheesecake’s 2004 annual report is finally done. Well, since I finished all of my work early, I might as well go get some more free cheesecake. Also, I should check to make sure that all of the employees are following the new office dress code: Red Shirt Tuesdays. So good!
[Victoria walks down the hall to the cheesecake shop]
Victoria: Hey John. Wow, that’s a nice red shirt that you’re wearing today!
John: Of course - I wear a red shirt everyday. It’s a part of my job description as Cheesecake Architect.
Victoria: So, could I have the cheesecake with the cherry toping?
John: Actually, today I have prepared a special cheesecake just for you today, at the request of company president Webb.
Victoria: Oh, well thank you, I guess.
[Victoria takes the cheesecake and walks back to her office. She digs her fork into the cake, and it hits something metallic. An audio tape begins to play.]
Recorded message: Greetings Victoria. This is Agent Webb. You are in grave danger because the Ninjas of Awesome are coming to seduce you to join their organisation. Please be on guard and stay loyal to Hotmen-Cheesecake. This message will become delicious in 5 seconds.
[Victoria, finishing off the slice of cheesecake, is slightly perturbed by the message she had just heard. She is not sure of what to do or of what protection to take to ensure her safety. Just as she is about to call building security, her phone rings.]
Victoria: Hello?
Daniel: Hi Victoria. A phone call for you from a certain Professor Tor Coolguy.
Victoria: Thanks secretary.
Daniel: You know, we are called administrative assistants now.
[Victoria presses a button on her phone to take the call.]
Caller: Hello?
Victoria: Who is this?
Caller: I cannot reveal my true identity just yet. Meet me in Waterloo Park in 15 minutes by gazebo #2. Come alone. And bring some of that delicious cheesecake with you - the one with the pink topping perhaps? {click}
[Victoria is now very scared and unsure of what to do. She runs down the hall back to John to ask for his help.]
John: Victoria, you look like you’ve just seen a ghost! What’s the matter?
Victoria: John, the piece of cake had an audiocassette in it that told me that ninjas were after me and that they were going to hijack me over to another company and now I have to bring him pink cheesecake or else the world will blow up!
John: Yeah, that’s a shame. There’s only one solution for this.
Victoria: Unnecessary violence followed by a humourous punch line?
John: Nope. A red shirt. [John holds up a red baby doll shirt] Come on, put it on!
Victoria: John, you know that the red shirt rule only applies to guys, right?
John: Oh. [John looks disappointed] Well, in that case, here are two slices of cheesecake to take with you. And I will send backup, so don’t you worry.
[Victoria takes the two slices, eating one of them on the way to the park. She arrives at the gazebo, looks around, and takes a seat on a nearby bench. She looks anxiously at the other piece of cheesecake.]
Victoria: Okay, so if doesn’t come in the next 5 minutes I will definitely eat his slice of the cheesecake. Mmm, it looks so good with that pink frosting on top and the…
[From out of nowhere, a man clad in black ninja clothes jumps from the rafters of the gazebo onto the green grass.]
Victoria: Who are you?
Graeme: I am the Chief Ninja Officer of your rival company.
Victoria: You mean…
Graeme: Yes. I am the CNO of Awesome Inc.
Victoria: But…what…how…why do you want to talk with me?
Graeme: Give me my cheesecake!
[Victoria reluctantly gives Graeme the slice of cheesecake.]
Graeme: So I’ve looked at some of your recent work.
Victoria: You mean for Popular Accounting Magazine?
Graeme: Yes. In particular, I liked your articles "SOX 404 Rox the Box" and "Mind the GAAP Please". Insightful and accurate solutions for the modern businessman.
Victoria: But what does that have to do with this meeting?
Graeme: This really is good cheesecake. Anyways, your work - wow, this cheesecake is amazing - your work would have a really good impact on our company. We’ve been looking for a new financial-person-thingy lately -
Victoria: You mean accountant?
Graeme: Yeah, whatever you call it. We recently lost our accountant dude when he was making some "improvements" to our weaponry in the testing lab. You’d be surprised what happens when you try to combine a boomerang with a star.
Victoria: Ugh!
Graeme: So since you’re practically begging on your knees to come and join my firm, you can bring your actuary stuff over -
Victoria: It’s accounting!
Graeme: - and join our firm. There’s lots of money involved. And ninjas!
[Victoria thinks it over for a minute, but she isn’t quite satisfied with the ninja’s promises.]
Victoria: Thanks, but no thanks. I’m quite content with my hot men and cheesecake.
Graeme: You very well may have cheesecake, but we have Nutrigrain bars. In fact, I just ate a Nutrigrain bar and I feel grrreat! Oooofff.
Victoria: Yeah, babies everywhere!
[Following that somewhat out-of-place comment and the ensuing awkward silence, the ninja throws a rope to the roof of the gazebo, climbs to the top, and quickly disappears out of sight. Seconds later, the First Mate of Hotmen-Cheesecake rushes onto the scene.]
Kish: Arrrr! There be trouble in the barracks! Ye better be shivering yer timbers.
Victoria: Oh Kish! Graeme the ninja was just here and he threatened me!
Kish: Man! It's just like on Polka Dot Door where the guy always misses the Polkaroo by mere seconds.
Victoria: I don’t know what to do. But thanks for coming out to help me, Mr. - actually, I don’t know what your last name is.
Kish: Yes you do - it’s Kish.
Victoria: I thought that was your first name.
Kish: [Kish sighs.] Just about everyone thinks that. Anyways, you should get back to the office where it's safe.
Victoria: Let’s take the TTC!
Kish: If you say that again, I think that I’ll have to kill you.
Victoria: You do know that the TTC has a webpage for their Ukrainian passengers, right?
Kish: Methinks ye be walking the plank.
* * * * * * * *
To be continued Monday...
* * * * * * * *
[Our story opens in the corner office of the small accounting firm Hotmen-Cheesecake, located in the pleasant hamlet of Waterloo. We see Victoria putting the finishing touches on her latest financial report.]
Victoria: There we go. Hotmen-Cheesecake’s 2004 annual report is finally done. Well, since I finished all of my work early, I might as well go get some more free cheesecake. Also, I should check to make sure that all of the employees are following the new office dress code: Red Shirt Tuesdays. So good!
[Victoria walks down the hall to the cheesecake shop]
Victoria: Hey John. Wow, that’s a nice red shirt that you’re wearing today!
John: Of course - I wear a red shirt everyday. It’s a part of my job description as Cheesecake Architect.
Victoria: So, could I have the cheesecake with the cherry toping?
John: Actually, today I have prepared a special cheesecake just for you today, at the request of company president Webb.
Victoria: Oh, well thank you, I guess.
[Victoria takes the cheesecake and walks back to her office. She digs her fork into the cake, and it hits something metallic. An audio tape begins to play.]
Recorded message: Greetings Victoria. This is Agent Webb. You are in grave danger because the Ninjas of Awesome are coming to seduce you to join their organisation. Please be on guard and stay loyal to Hotmen-Cheesecake. This message will become delicious in 5 seconds.
[Victoria, finishing off the slice of cheesecake, is slightly perturbed by the message she had just heard. She is not sure of what to do or of what protection to take to ensure her safety. Just as she is about to call building security, her phone rings.]
Victoria: Hello?
Daniel: Hi Victoria. A phone call for you from a certain Professor Tor Coolguy.
Victoria: Thanks secretary.
Daniel: You know, we are called administrative assistants now.
[Victoria presses a button on her phone to take the call.]
Caller: Hello?
Victoria: Who is this?
Caller: I cannot reveal my true identity just yet. Meet me in Waterloo Park in 15 minutes by gazebo #2. Come alone. And bring some of that delicious cheesecake with you - the one with the pink topping perhaps? {click}
[Victoria is now very scared and unsure of what to do. She runs down the hall back to John to ask for his help.]
John: Victoria, you look like you’ve just seen a ghost! What’s the matter?
Victoria: John, the piece of cake had an audiocassette in it that told me that ninjas were after me and that they were going to hijack me over to another company and now I have to bring him pink cheesecake or else the world will blow up!
John: Yeah, that’s a shame. There’s only one solution for this.
Victoria: Unnecessary violence followed by a humourous punch line?
John: Nope. A red shirt. [John holds up a red baby doll shirt] Come on, put it on!
Victoria: John, you know that the red shirt rule only applies to guys, right?
John: Oh. [John looks disappointed] Well, in that case, here are two slices of cheesecake to take with you. And I will send backup, so don’t you worry.
[Victoria takes the two slices, eating one of them on the way to the park. She arrives at the gazebo, looks around, and takes a seat on a nearby bench. She looks anxiously at the other piece of cheesecake.]
Victoria: Okay, so if doesn’t come in the next 5 minutes I will definitely eat his slice of the cheesecake. Mmm, it looks so good with that pink frosting on top and the…
[From out of nowhere, a man clad in black ninja clothes jumps from the rafters of the gazebo onto the green grass.]
Victoria: Who are you?
Graeme: I am the Chief Ninja Officer of your rival company.
Victoria: You mean…
Graeme: Yes. I am the CNO of Awesome Inc.
Victoria: But…what…how…why do you want to talk with me?
Graeme: Give me my cheesecake!
[Victoria reluctantly gives Graeme the slice of cheesecake.]
Graeme: So I’ve looked at some of your recent work.
Victoria: You mean for Popular Accounting Magazine?
Graeme: Yes. In particular, I liked your articles "SOX 404 Rox the Box" and "Mind the GAAP Please". Insightful and accurate solutions for the modern businessman.
Victoria: But what does that have to do with this meeting?
Graeme: This really is good cheesecake. Anyways, your work - wow, this cheesecake is amazing - your work would have a really good impact on our company. We’ve been looking for a new financial-person-thingy lately -
Victoria: You mean accountant?
Graeme: Yeah, whatever you call it. We recently lost our accountant dude when he was making some "improvements" to our weaponry in the testing lab. You’d be surprised what happens when you try to combine a boomerang with a star.
Victoria: Ugh!
Graeme: So since you’re practically begging on your knees to come and join my firm, you can bring your actuary stuff over -
Victoria: It’s accounting!
Graeme: - and join our firm. There’s lots of money involved. And ninjas!
[Victoria thinks it over for a minute, but she isn’t quite satisfied with the ninja’s promises.]
Victoria: Thanks, but no thanks. I’m quite content with my hot men and cheesecake.
Graeme: You very well may have cheesecake, but we have Nutrigrain bars. In fact, I just ate a Nutrigrain bar and I feel grrreat! Oooofff.
Victoria: Yeah, babies everywhere!
[Following that somewhat out-of-place comment and the ensuing awkward silence, the ninja throws a rope to the roof of the gazebo, climbs to the top, and quickly disappears out of sight. Seconds later, the First Mate of Hotmen-Cheesecake rushes onto the scene.]
Kish: Arrrr! There be trouble in the barracks! Ye better be shivering yer timbers.
Victoria: Oh Kish! Graeme the ninja was just here and he threatened me!
Kish: Man! It's just like on Polka Dot Door where the guy always misses the Polkaroo by mere seconds.
Victoria: I don’t know what to do. But thanks for coming out to help me, Mr. - actually, I don’t know what your last name is.
Kish: Yes you do - it’s Kish.
Victoria: I thought that was your first name.
Kish: [Kish sighs.] Just about everyone thinks that. Anyways, you should get back to the office where it's safe.
Victoria: Let’s take the TTC!
Kish: If you say that again, I think that I’ll have to kill you.
Victoria: You do know that the TTC has a webpage for their Ukrainian passengers, right?
Kish: Methinks ye be walking the plank.
* * * * * * * *
To be continued Monday...