Bad spellers of the world, untie!
This evening on the way home on the train, I had the awful pleasure of sitting next to three adults trying to complete a crossword puzzle. They tried fitting words like "limmeric" into the grid and were completely baffled as to why other words wouldn't fit in around it.
Thankfully, a remedy for the bad spelling is coming very soon.
As most residents of the GTA know, the City of Toronto has been gradually phasing out smoking in workplaces, restaurants, and bars since 1999. Tonight at midnight, all bars and bingo halls will be the last places of business that will have to put away the ashtrays and prohibit their patrons from lighting up.
However, there is a lesser-known bylaw is also taking effect on June 1 in Toronto: The Anti-Misspelling Bylaw.
"You see, the people of Toronto just don't happen to be very good spellers," commented former mayor Mel Lastman, "so we passed a bylaw that requires all places of business to use proper spellings in all aspects of their business."
This new bylaw has far-reaching implications, touching on everything from restaurant menus and soda cans to billboards and political campaign signs. Under the act, misspelling the word "antidisestablishmentarianism" as "antidisestablishmentareanism" could land you a $150 fine.
"We were unsure of how to penalize offenders with this new law," commented Toronto Police Chief Julian Fantino. "We decided that the best method would be to fine on a per-letter basis. $50 for each consonant and $150 per vowel seemed to be a fair rate."
When asked about how they will deal with the letter 'y', Fantino began shouting some words (many of which are unprintable in this publication) at reporters. He was immediately assessed with a $50 fine for omitting a silent k at the end of one word.
Restaurant and bar owners have been instructed to disallow their patrons from speaking words with incorrect spellings. All places of business are to install dictionaries in central locations throughout their premises so that patrons can use proper spellings in conversation.
Bear-drinkers may be big loosers when they consume a bit too much. The Toronto Police Force is responding to the new law by introducing a new roadside sobriety test: Drivers being scrutinized will have to spell the word "inebriated". Missing two or more letters will automatically result in an night in the slammer.
While the bylaw is being heralded by librarians and scholars alike, several members of the Toronto Chamber of Commerce feel that this will have a negative impact on the city's tourism industry.
"Toronto has long benefited from Americans coming up and enjoying the low dollar," reads one of the Chamber's recent press releases. "However, Americans may not want to come up if they will be fined $200 for going to the 'theater' to watch Mamma Mia."
Another opponent of the plan is the Toronto District School Board, which worries that its students will be fined mercilessly when learning how to write. Mayor David Miller, in replying to their concerns, said, "We will be placing police officers in each classroom to watch over students' work and fine them as needed. How else did you think we were going to cover this year's budget deficit?"
Celebrities will be involved in the promotion of proper spelling in Toronto. Sheryl Crow will be releasing her latest single, "The First C Is the Hardest", to help people remember how to spell words like "succulent".
The plan for proper spellings will gradually be phased in over the next three years. In June 2005, people confused by the difference between "it's" and "its" could land themselves a $75 fine for misusing or omitting an apostrophe. Repeat offenders could face as much six months retaking grade two.
In June 2006, fines will double for spelling mistakes occurring in subordinate clauses. Said Fantino, "Subordinate clauses are like construction zones on the road - they are both very fragile and need a great deal of care when constructing them. That's why we want to ensure their stability by launching a subordinate clause campaign and bringing slaughterers of the language to justice."
June 2007 will see the final phase of the bylaw implemented when all slogans and names - corporate or personal - must conform to standard Canadian spellings. Tim Horton's will no longer be able to run its "Rrrrroll Up The Rim" contest. This particularly upset Tim Horton's fanatic David Briggs.
"I loved that contest!" exclaimed Briggs. "I bought 27 cups of coffee and I got a free cookie! Getting rid of the contest would be dumb. But I guess that's why Toronto's introducing the new law - 'cause they're dumb!"
Briggs then posed for a photo op with Mayor Miller as part of his "North Bay 2006" campaign. The mayor looked very confused and had security dispatched.
Parents are being advised to give their children normal spellings for their names. Children like "Kathryn" and "Steven" will not be permitted to enrol in school until their names are spelt normally.
"We were getting tired of seeing parents adding unnecessary letters to their children's names - especially the letter y," explained Miller. "There was one girl kid last year in High Park who was named "Cyynthyyia. The principal had her suspended until she had at least three of those y's lynched."
In related news, Bill Gates made an attempt to buy the English language this past week. University of Waterloo students then began to petition the administration to begin teaching all classes in French. "We don't want to study a language owned by Microsoft. Isn't using C# enough?" questioned one engineer. He was then hit with a stupid stick by a nearby student.
Thankfully, a remedy for the bad spelling is coming very soon.
As most residents of the GTA know, the City of Toronto has been gradually phasing out smoking in workplaces, restaurants, and bars since 1999. Tonight at midnight, all bars and bingo halls will be the last places of business that will have to put away the ashtrays and prohibit their patrons from lighting up.
However, there is a lesser-known bylaw is also taking effect on June 1 in Toronto: The Anti-Misspelling Bylaw.
"You see, the people of Toronto just don't happen to be very good spellers," commented former mayor Mel Lastman, "so we passed a bylaw that requires all places of business to use proper spellings in all aspects of their business."
This new bylaw has far-reaching implications, touching on everything from restaurant menus and soda cans to billboards and political campaign signs. Under the act, misspelling the word "antidisestablishmentarianism" as "antidisestablishmentareanism" could land you a $150 fine.
"We were unsure of how to penalize offenders with this new law," commented Toronto Police Chief Julian Fantino. "We decided that the best method would be to fine on a per-letter basis. $50 for each consonant and $150 per vowel seemed to be a fair rate."
When asked about how they will deal with the letter 'y', Fantino began shouting some words (many of which are unprintable in this publication) at reporters. He was immediately assessed with a $50 fine for omitting a silent k at the end of one word.
Restaurant and bar owners have been instructed to disallow their patrons from speaking words with incorrect spellings. All places of business are to install dictionaries in central locations throughout their premises so that patrons can use proper spellings in conversation.
Bear-drinkers may be big loosers when they consume a bit too much. The Toronto Police Force is responding to the new law by introducing a new roadside sobriety test: Drivers being scrutinized will have to spell the word "inebriated". Missing two or more letters will automatically result in an night in the slammer.
While the bylaw is being heralded by librarians and scholars alike, several members of the Toronto Chamber of Commerce feel that this will have a negative impact on the city's tourism industry.
"Toronto has long benefited from Americans coming up and enjoying the low dollar," reads one of the Chamber's recent press releases. "However, Americans may not want to come up if they will be fined $200 for going to the 'theater' to watch Mamma Mia."
Another opponent of the plan is the Toronto District School Board, which worries that its students will be fined mercilessly when learning how to write. Mayor David Miller, in replying to their concerns, said, "We will be placing police officers in each classroom to watch over students' work and fine them as needed. How else did you think we were going to cover this year's budget deficit?"
Celebrities will be involved in the promotion of proper spelling in Toronto. Sheryl Crow will be releasing her latest single, "The First C Is the Hardest", to help people remember how to spell words like "succulent".
The plan for proper spellings will gradually be phased in over the next three years. In June 2005, people confused by the difference between "it's" and "its" could land themselves a $75 fine for misusing or omitting an apostrophe. Repeat offenders could face as much six months retaking grade two.
In June 2006, fines will double for spelling mistakes occurring in subordinate clauses. Said Fantino, "Subordinate clauses are like construction zones on the road - they are both very fragile and need a great deal of care when constructing them. That's why we want to ensure their stability by launching a subordinate clause campaign and bringing slaughterers of the language to justice."
June 2007 will see the final phase of the bylaw implemented when all slogans and names - corporate or personal - must conform to standard Canadian spellings. Tim Horton's will no longer be able to run its "Rrrrroll Up The Rim" contest. This particularly upset Tim Horton's fanatic David Briggs.
"I loved that contest!" exclaimed Briggs. "I bought 27 cups of coffee and I got a free cookie! Getting rid of the contest would be dumb. But I guess that's why Toronto's introducing the new law - 'cause they're dumb!"
Briggs then posed for a photo op with Mayor Miller as part of his "North Bay 2006" campaign. The mayor looked very confused and had security dispatched.
Parents are being advised to give their children normal spellings for their names. Children like "Kathryn" and "Steven" will not be permitted to enrol in school until their names are spelt normally.
"We were getting tired of seeing parents adding unnecessary letters to their children's names - especially the letter y," explained Miller. "There was one girl kid last year in High Park who was named "Cyynthyyia. The principal had her suspended until she had at least three of those y's lynched."
In related news, Bill Gates made an attempt to buy the English language this past week. University of Waterloo students then began to petition the administration to begin teaching all classes in French. "We don't want to study a language owned by Microsoft. Isn't using C# enough?" questioned one engineer. He was then hit with a stupid stick by a nearby student.