I need to go to a birth
Just one. It will the acid test.
I will either fall in love with birth again and remember why exactly I'm doing all this work, or I'll decide it's not worth the effort.
When I first found out I was pregnant with Abby and Charlotte, most of my thoughts centered around the hard parts of baby-raising; teething, sleepless nights, baby food disasters, diaper explosions, potty learning, sore nipples, etc. I couldn't recall the JOY in having a baby, especially after Abby died.
Maybe it's the same way with birth. All I can think about now is getting out my warm bed in the middle of the night, crouching in awkward positions for long periods of time to get splashed with a variety of body fluids, disappointing my family when I am absent or called away, having to be creative with kid's schedules and childcare. I honestly can't remember the JOY of being a midwife.
It's been almost three years since I've touched a pregnant belly (except my own). Will I even remember how to do things? When I think about doing even simple tasks like taking blood pressures or palpating for baby's position it makes me panic. Thinking about learning IV's and urinary catheters freaks me out so much I want to vomit. I don't want to look like an idiot. I don't want people to think I haven't learned anything, but I also don't feel ready to go out there and be a Primary Midwife.
People refer to me as a senior student, which I guess I am. But they also need to remember that I haven't done any clincial work of any kind in three years. I haven't sutured human tissue, only chicken thighs and beef hearts. I've played with IV set ups but I've never started one on a human arm. Many more things for me to learn before I'm out on my own, and all I need now is a teacher and babysitter that is cool with babywearing, breastfeeding, cloth diapers, and attachment parenting. Maybe I should homeschool Kim for the rest of the school year and drag her along with me?
I have the opportunity to follow a home birth client with my midwife and possibly attend her home birth in May. If I'm still here. If the Midwifery Act hasn't been proclaimed in our province yet. If Charlotte can be away from me for a more than a few hours. If I have childcare set up.
If.
Those two letters make me want to give up right now.
I will either fall in love with birth again and remember why exactly I'm doing all this work, or I'll decide it's not worth the effort.
When I first found out I was pregnant with Abby and Charlotte, most of my thoughts centered around the hard parts of baby-raising; teething, sleepless nights, baby food disasters, diaper explosions, potty learning, sore nipples, etc. I couldn't recall the JOY in having a baby, especially after Abby died.
Maybe it's the same way with birth. All I can think about now is getting out my warm bed in the middle of the night, crouching in awkward positions for long periods of time to get splashed with a variety of body fluids, disappointing my family when I am absent or called away, having to be creative with kid's schedules and childcare. I honestly can't remember the JOY of being a midwife.
It's been almost three years since I've touched a pregnant belly (except my own). Will I even remember how to do things? When I think about doing even simple tasks like taking blood pressures or palpating for baby's position it makes me panic. Thinking about learning IV's and urinary catheters freaks me out so much I want to vomit. I don't want to look like an idiot. I don't want people to think I haven't learned anything, but I also don't feel ready to go out there and be a Primary Midwife.
People refer to me as a senior student, which I guess I am. But they also need to remember that I haven't done any clincial work of any kind in three years. I haven't sutured human tissue, only chicken thighs and beef hearts. I've played with IV set ups but I've never started one on a human arm. Many more things for me to learn before I'm out on my own, and all I need now is a teacher and babysitter that is cool with babywearing, breastfeeding, cloth diapers, and attachment parenting. Maybe I should homeschool Kim for the rest of the school year and drag her along with me?
I have the opportunity to follow a home birth client with my midwife and possibly attend her home birth in May. If I'm still here. If the Midwifery Act hasn't been proclaimed in our province yet. If Charlotte can be away from me for a more than a few hours. If I have childcare set up.
If.
Those two letters make me want to give up right now.