our last night with Abby
* It's been an exhausting day. Final arrangements, useless details, I'm tired of it all.
Because they couldn't embalm her little legs (veins too small), her feet and legs are still soft and moveable. I spent most of the day stroking them, wiggling her toes, and just memorizing every detail.
I took Abby to bed with me for a few minutes last night. *THIS* is how we were meant to be. Since Friday night, *THIS* is all I've wanted - to be in bed with my sweet baby.
Oh my God, how many times can my heart be broken.
We are all weary of grieving. It's exhausting to love so deeply and hurt so much.
In my heart, this is where Abby will always be. Close beside me to feel my love, and hear my beating heart. This is our last night with sweet Abby. They will take her at lunchtime to the church and then I will never see her sweet face on this earth. I have no idea how I will hand her over, or how I will stand to see her in her casket. And God help me when it's time to leave her at the cemetary. That will be the end of my strength I believe, and I will never be the same after that.
While she's been home with us, it's been easy to sometimes pretend that she's just sleeping and our life is normal. This morning, it was just Jack and I home with her and we put her in her bassinet while I did dishes, we tidied up the house, and then I picked her up and took her to bed with me while I had a nap. After tomorrow, there is no more pretending and the reality of her death will be brutal.
So now I go to spend one last night with my angel. How I wish time would just stop and I would never have to see tomorrow.