the many adventures part 2
jaejoong/yunho
crack
pg13
2310 words
Part 1
“The last one, such a disappointment. There wasn’t even enough to go round.”
“IKR.”
“Junsu what the hell is an IKR?”
“I know right.”
“…”
“…”
“Changmin stop looking at me like that.”
“I’ll look at an idiot any which way I want to, okay? And give me my crisps back, you potato chip stealing bastard.”
The last one?, Jaejoong’s mind babbles in the sanctity of his head. Oh my god it really is like one of those game shows, or or or those snuff films, they’re going to kill me for fun and dammit I should have listened to ma, I should have gone and done that accounting degree when I had the chance oh fuck I don’t want to die, I don’t want to be an accountant either but I don’t want to-
“Okay everyone, STFU.”
“If you drop one more internet acronym into the conversation again I will take this sharp thing and-…”
“Everyone. Shut up.”
Four voices in all, the last one lazy and drawling and obeyed rather grudgingly, the sound of rustling crisp packets filling in the silence.
“Changmin, what’s this one in here for?”
The rustling stops for a second (“Hold my chips, will you? Eat them and die.”) and Jaejoong’s mind is going into overdrive, flashing snippets of all the hacker movies he’d seen over the years.
“Kim Jaejoong, twenty four, in for…wait. What? Public indecency? Yunho, take a look at this, is this the politically correct term for rapists nowadays?”
More shuffling, papers being flipped.
“Did you say Kim Jaejoong?”
“Well I didn’t say Abraham Lincoln, so yeah. Kim Jaejoong.”
“Unbag the man.”
There’s the sound of footsteps walking towards him and Jaejoong thinks he would have backed away from them if he weren’t frozen to the ground in pure, undulated fear but there’s no time even for that now, the bag yanked unceremoniously off his head and Jaejoong is standing in front of four men lazing on a plush couch in what appears to be a large-ish room.
Filled with flowers.
-
There are pots of wilting sunflowers to his right and newspaper clad roses seeping their stems in water-filled buckets a few paces away, the temperature hovering somewhere between cold and just around mildly pleasant.
“You!”
“…what the.”
“Yoochun, do you know him?”
“I knew it was you, Kim Jaejoong~”
Jaejoong gapes unabashedly at the man who’d just made his life a living hell some five hours before, changed out of his guard uniform now but still wearing his horrendous slippers.
“You’re still wearing those slippers,” he finds himself saying stupidly, for lack of anything better to say other than “Oh my god what is happening” and “Please, don’t kill me.”
“Well apparently I am.”
Yoochun crosses his legs at the knee and leans back into the couch, steals a crisp that appears to belong to the tallest man because the latter hits Yoochun in the gut, steals back the chip.
“WTF.”
“Junsu I swear to god-…”
“Changmin put the letter opener down, thank you.” Said letter opener is stabbed venomously into the upholstery of the couch and its owner bites into a potato chip with what can be described as a violent air.
Junsu, the one with the high pitched squeak of a voice, now yelling at Changmin, the tall one with violent tendencies. Yoochun, the obnoxious one with the slippers. The last man is perched on the far corner of the couch and he’s the one that everyone more or less listens too, albeit with grumbling and name calling.
“Wh-what’s happening here?”
“Well apparently nothing much now, since it’s been established that someone along the line screwed up and we’ve gone and bagged ourselves on of Yoochun’s friends. Sorry about that, by the way.”
“He’s not my friend,” Yoochun cuts in abruptly and there’s a bit of confusion, a few more WTFs from Junsu, Jaejoong desperately trying to look as chummy as he can with Yoochun despite standing three meters away with his hands tied behind his back.
“So if you’re not his friend…”
“He’s a card counter.”
“He’s a what?”
“Can we eat him, then?”
Jaejoong turns to Changmin with wide eyes and the latter shrugs at him, calmly eats another potato chip. “Don’t take it personally, we do it all the time.”
“…you eat people? A-a-all the time? Please, tell me you have a sense of humor as bad as Yoochun and that was a really bad sex joke.”
“Someone go give the man a chair, he looks like he’s going to pass out.”
“No, wait a second, you seriously…eat people? What, like cannibalism? Oh my god this is worse than I thought, you’re going to eat me? Raw? Or…or do you cook your meat first? Meat. I’m referring to myself as meat oh my god, you’re going to cook me?”
“Someone get me a chair so I can hit this Jaejoong person across the face to make him shut up, god, Yoochun why do you fraternize with people like this?”
“YOU’RE GOING TO EAT ME?”
The one sitting in the far corner gets up and Jaejoong almost shits his pants from fear, legs suddenly remembering that oh yeah, we can move right? Jaejoong finds out that being backed up against a wall isn’t all that much of an improvement.
“Does anyone even know you people are doing this? Isn’t this illegal? Of course it’s illegal, you eat people, what the fuck you eat people, please don’t eat me-…”
“Yunho stop scaring the food.”
“Yunho? That’s your name? Nice name, really nice name, should belong to a nice person, y’know? Yunho. See, it even sounds nice, kinda like y’know. You’re nice, please don’t eat me please don’t-…”
Yunho raises his hand and slaps Jaejoong across the face.
“…”
“ I’m not scaring him, just making him shut up first.”
Jaejoong stares at Yunho, cool and collected in front of him.
“Now I’m going to scare him.”
Whoops of approval from the couch and Jaejoong dry swallows.
“Kim Jaejoong, isn’t it?”
“Y-y-yes.”
“Now, Jaejoong. Contrary to what your poor little mind must be thinking and what Changmin said, sadly, we’re not going to eat you. Mainly because a) we don’t eat people, per se, and b) even if we did, you’re too pretty to sink my teeth into.”
Yunho gives him a smile and Jaejoong really, really wished he hadn’t done that because
“…your teeth, why are they…oh my god. Oh my god. You’re fucking me.”
“I wish I was, Jaejoong, you look very fuckable to me.”
“Oh my god, what are you people? This is a movie set, this has to be a movie set, those come off right? Please tell me they come off, those aren’t really fangs oh my god they are, you’re-…”
“Vampires~” sings Junsu from the couch and Yunho turns to him, snarling and robbed what could have been a very intimidating and very sexy line.
“You’re vampires and no, you’re not going to eat me because you’re just going to SUCK MY BLOOD AND KILL ME AND-…”
Yunho slaps him again and Jaejoong shuts up, if only for a few seconds.
“So are we going to eat him or not?”
Yunho pokes Jaejoong, now hunched into a shaking ball on the floor, with his foot.
“Nah. We don’t do card counters.”
Jaejoong passes out from relief.
-
“So what happened after that?”
“Well then, since it’s one of those Asian dramas, basically rocks fell and everyone died. The end. You didn’t miss much but-…Yunho, your plaything. He’s waking up.”
“Yoochun he’s not my plaything.”
Jaejoong blinks blearily and finds four faces staring down at him, Junsu smiling as if it’s only the most natural thing in the world to beam sunshine at the person you’re possibly going to eat later, Changmin and Yoochun rolling their eyes. Yunho’s the only one that offers him a hand to stand up.
“See. I told you we wouldn’t eat you.”
And Yunho is right, Jaejoong still has most, if not all of his limbs still on him. He holds a hand up to the light. Heh. Not even nibbled.
“Vampires,” Jaejoong says slowly and the left over nervousness clutches at his gut. “Vampires, like the sparkling, sweep you off your feet kind or the tear your throat out kind? I’m asking vampires this question, vampires what the hell is wrong with me, no, what the hell is wrong with you guys? Why do you even want to kill people? Do you need blood to survive? Why not animal blood? Is that different? Do they taste-…”
Changmin breaks away from his discussion with Yoochun, coming within an inch of punching Jaejoong in the face before Yunho pulls him back and Jaejoong shuts up from fear, taking to just laughing nervously now. He’s on his haunches, between two bucketfuls of gardenias and wildflowers. Gardenias and wildflowers, for the love of all things good, he was going to die in between buckets of flowers.
“Vampires, I’m talking to vampires about their eating habits in a flower warehouse oh god I even insulted one about his dressing earlier and-..”
“Yunho, please tell me you don’t find this word diarrhea cute because I sure as hell don’t and if he doesn’t shut up in the next 30 seconds I will staple his mouth shut. And I will enjoy it.”
“Jaejoong did you hear what Changmin said?”
“Oh god Yoochun I’m so sorry, your slippers, they’re fantastic, really, really wonderful and fashionable and-…”
“Jaejoong I’m going to slap you again if you don’t stop.”
“…please don’t.”
It takes a little while but Jaejoong does calm down enough to eat one of Changmin’s proffered chips (“This isn’t…isn’t made from blood or anything, is it?” “You can give it back to me if you’re such a wuss about a sour cream and onion Lays, seriously, I’m only giving it to you to shut you up.”) and learn that yes, this is indeed a place to keep flowers, yes they’re all vampires and no, vampires don’t eat people. Really.
“Then what about the not enough to go round thing?”
“Oh bugger, you heard that? Ah…it’s better we show you. Junsu, would be so kind as to go pull an example out? Take the one in the green shirt if you can, he’s a big boy, losing another pint or two won’t hurt too much.”
Jaejoong ogles at Junsu’s back disappearing into another room, Jaejoong patting the now empty seat next to him. Changmin gets up with a hmph sound the moment Jaejoong makes as if to sit down.
“Don’t scream too much when you watch later,” he says in Jaejoong’s general direction with obvious distaste at Yunho’s reveal-all.
“Won’t scream as loud as your mom did last night,” comes the too quick reply and Jaejoong titters nervously to himself, suddenly aware of everyone’s eyes on him.
Changmin casts him a dirty look before stalking away to eat his chips in peace, Yunho making an approving noise at the back of his throat before turning back to Jaejoong who’s starting to mumble things about how “I did not just insult a vampire’s mother Kim Jaejoong you stupid, stupid man do you have any idea what you’ve just done oh god why.”
“Sit. And close your mouth, you look uneducated, standing there talking to yourself like a loon. Changmin hates his mother, for the record, he’s not going to kill you.”
Jaejoong sits and closes his mouth, only to have it hang open again when Junsu comes back dragging an unconscious man behind him, limbs askew and limp.
“This, my dear human friend, is exhibit A. Well actually no, his name is actually something really generic I can’t remember but the point is, exhibit A here is a bit of what you’d call a first class asshole. Burglary, armed assault, abuse, you name it and he’s probably done it. But you see the problem is, despite all that, pinning whatever shit he’s done on him would take months, maybe years, depending on how much backlog the local courts are facing. Are you with me so far?”
Yunho turns to him expectantly and Jaejoong almost says “If I say no, are you going to repeat all of that?” but common sense kicks in and there’s a “Yes,” instead.
“Very good. So. Back to exhibit A. What we do is…yeah okay Yoochun go show Jaejoong what we do.”
Yoochun obliges with a flashy bow and strides over to the man on the floor, kicks him in the side until he wakes up with a groan.
“N-n-no no please no not again no please-…”
There’s a high pitched wail as Yoochun draws closer and closer to the man, smiling a full fanged smile all the while, low growl in his throat.
“What we do is scare the bejeebers out of the poor sod first,” Yunho says softly to Jaejoong who’s watching the whole procedure through the cracks of his fingers held over his eyes. “And then-…”
Yoochun snaps his teeth dangerously close to the man’s jugular, grazing the skin of his neck.
“And then we make him wish he’d never been born,” Junsu finishes with a dramatic snap of his fingers in front of Jaejoong’s face as he goes to help Yoochun pin the man down, making Jaejoong yelp from the sudden sound. Yoochun sinks his teeth into flesh and the man starts to scream.
“But we don’t kill him, of course. Make him want to kill himself from the pain but we don’t actually do the deed ourselves, what he wants to do when we’re done is strictly his own choice.”
Yunho is watching Jaejoong watch the man on the floor, writhing with Junsu making distastefully funny giddy-up horse jokes on his back.
“Of course,” Jaejoong echoes hollowly before excusing himself to go throw up noisily in the corner.
[tbc]
AN- ...I should be attempting to write good!fic, I know, I know.
crack
pg13
2310 words
Part 1
“The last one, such a disappointment. There wasn’t even enough to go round.”
“IKR.”
“Junsu what the hell is an IKR?”
“I know right.”
“…”
“…”
“Changmin stop looking at me like that.”
“I’ll look at an idiot any which way I want to, okay? And give me my crisps back, you potato chip stealing bastard.”
The last one?, Jaejoong’s mind babbles in the sanctity of his head. Oh my god it really is like one of those game shows, or or or those snuff films, they’re going to kill me for fun and dammit I should have listened to ma, I should have gone and done that accounting degree when I had the chance oh fuck I don’t want to die, I don’t want to be an accountant either but I don’t want to-
“Okay everyone, STFU.”
“If you drop one more internet acronym into the conversation again I will take this sharp thing and-…”
“Everyone. Shut up.”
Four voices in all, the last one lazy and drawling and obeyed rather grudgingly, the sound of rustling crisp packets filling in the silence.
“Changmin, what’s this one in here for?”
The rustling stops for a second (“Hold my chips, will you? Eat them and die.”) and Jaejoong’s mind is going into overdrive, flashing snippets of all the hacker movies he’d seen over the years.
“Kim Jaejoong, twenty four, in for…wait. What? Public indecency? Yunho, take a look at this, is this the politically correct term for rapists nowadays?”
More shuffling, papers being flipped.
“Did you say Kim Jaejoong?”
“Well I didn’t say Abraham Lincoln, so yeah. Kim Jaejoong.”
“Unbag the man.”
There’s the sound of footsteps walking towards him and Jaejoong thinks he would have backed away from them if he weren’t frozen to the ground in pure, undulated fear but there’s no time even for that now, the bag yanked unceremoniously off his head and Jaejoong is standing in front of four men lazing on a plush couch in what appears to be a large-ish room.
Filled with flowers.
-
There are pots of wilting sunflowers to his right and newspaper clad roses seeping their stems in water-filled buckets a few paces away, the temperature hovering somewhere between cold and just around mildly pleasant.
“You!”
“…what the.”
“Yoochun, do you know him?”
“I knew it was you, Kim Jaejoong~”
Jaejoong gapes unabashedly at the man who’d just made his life a living hell some five hours before, changed out of his guard uniform now but still wearing his horrendous slippers.
“You’re still wearing those slippers,” he finds himself saying stupidly, for lack of anything better to say other than “Oh my god what is happening” and “Please, don’t kill me.”
“Well apparently I am.”
Yoochun crosses his legs at the knee and leans back into the couch, steals a crisp that appears to belong to the tallest man because the latter hits Yoochun in the gut, steals back the chip.
“WTF.”
“Junsu I swear to god-…”
“Changmin put the letter opener down, thank you.” Said letter opener is stabbed venomously into the upholstery of the couch and its owner bites into a potato chip with what can be described as a violent air.
Junsu, the one with the high pitched squeak of a voice, now yelling at Changmin, the tall one with violent tendencies. Yoochun, the obnoxious one with the slippers. The last man is perched on the far corner of the couch and he’s the one that everyone more or less listens too, albeit with grumbling and name calling.
“Wh-what’s happening here?”
“Well apparently nothing much now, since it’s been established that someone along the line screwed up and we’ve gone and bagged ourselves on of Yoochun’s friends. Sorry about that, by the way.”
“He’s not my friend,” Yoochun cuts in abruptly and there’s a bit of confusion, a few more WTFs from Junsu, Jaejoong desperately trying to look as chummy as he can with Yoochun despite standing three meters away with his hands tied behind his back.
“So if you’re not his friend…”
“He’s a card counter.”
“He’s a what?”
“Can we eat him, then?”
Jaejoong turns to Changmin with wide eyes and the latter shrugs at him, calmly eats another potato chip. “Don’t take it personally, we do it all the time.”
“…you eat people? A-a-all the time? Please, tell me you have a sense of humor as bad as Yoochun and that was a really bad sex joke.”
“Someone go give the man a chair, he looks like he’s going to pass out.”
“No, wait a second, you seriously…eat people? What, like cannibalism? Oh my god this is worse than I thought, you’re going to eat me? Raw? Or…or do you cook your meat first? Meat. I’m referring to myself as meat oh my god, you’re going to cook me?”
“Someone get me a chair so I can hit this Jaejoong person across the face to make him shut up, god, Yoochun why do you fraternize with people like this?”
“YOU’RE GOING TO EAT ME?”
The one sitting in the far corner gets up and Jaejoong almost shits his pants from fear, legs suddenly remembering that oh yeah, we can move right? Jaejoong finds out that being backed up against a wall isn’t all that much of an improvement.
“Does anyone even know you people are doing this? Isn’t this illegal? Of course it’s illegal, you eat people, what the fuck you eat people, please don’t eat me-…”
“Yunho stop scaring the food.”
“Yunho? That’s your name? Nice name, really nice name, should belong to a nice person, y’know? Yunho. See, it even sounds nice, kinda like y’know. You’re nice, please don’t eat me please don’t-…”
Yunho raises his hand and slaps Jaejoong across the face.
“…”
“ I’m not scaring him, just making him shut up first.”
Jaejoong stares at Yunho, cool and collected in front of him.
“Now I’m going to scare him.”
Whoops of approval from the couch and Jaejoong dry swallows.
“Kim Jaejoong, isn’t it?”
“Y-y-yes.”
“Now, Jaejoong. Contrary to what your poor little mind must be thinking and what Changmin said, sadly, we’re not going to eat you. Mainly because a) we don’t eat people, per se, and b) even if we did, you’re too pretty to sink my teeth into.”
Yunho gives him a smile and Jaejoong really, really wished he hadn’t done that because
“…your teeth, why are they…oh my god. Oh my god. You’re fucking me.”
“I wish I was, Jaejoong, you look very fuckable to me.”
“Oh my god, what are you people? This is a movie set, this has to be a movie set, those come off right? Please tell me they come off, those aren’t really fangs oh my god they are, you’re-…”
“Vampires~” sings Junsu from the couch and Yunho turns to him, snarling and robbed what could have been a very intimidating and very sexy line.
“You’re vampires and no, you’re not going to eat me because you’re just going to SUCK MY BLOOD AND KILL ME AND-…”
Yunho slaps him again and Jaejoong shuts up, if only for a few seconds.
“So are we going to eat him or not?”
Yunho pokes Jaejoong, now hunched into a shaking ball on the floor, with his foot.
“Nah. We don’t do card counters.”
Jaejoong passes out from relief.
-
“So what happened after that?”
“Well then, since it’s one of those Asian dramas, basically rocks fell and everyone died. The end. You didn’t miss much but-…Yunho, your plaything. He’s waking up.”
“Yoochun he’s not my plaything.”
Jaejoong blinks blearily and finds four faces staring down at him, Junsu smiling as if it’s only the most natural thing in the world to beam sunshine at the person you’re possibly going to eat later, Changmin and Yoochun rolling their eyes. Yunho’s the only one that offers him a hand to stand up.
“See. I told you we wouldn’t eat you.”
And Yunho is right, Jaejoong still has most, if not all of his limbs still on him. He holds a hand up to the light. Heh. Not even nibbled.
“Vampires,” Jaejoong says slowly and the left over nervousness clutches at his gut. “Vampires, like the sparkling, sweep you off your feet kind or the tear your throat out kind? I’m asking vampires this question, vampires what the hell is wrong with me, no, what the hell is wrong with you guys? Why do you even want to kill people? Do you need blood to survive? Why not animal blood? Is that different? Do they taste-…”
Changmin breaks away from his discussion with Yoochun, coming within an inch of punching Jaejoong in the face before Yunho pulls him back and Jaejoong shuts up from fear, taking to just laughing nervously now. He’s on his haunches, between two bucketfuls of gardenias and wildflowers. Gardenias and wildflowers, for the love of all things good, he was going to die in between buckets of flowers.
“Vampires, I’m talking to vampires about their eating habits in a flower warehouse oh god I even insulted one about his dressing earlier and-..”
“Yunho, please tell me you don’t find this word diarrhea cute because I sure as hell don’t and if he doesn’t shut up in the next 30 seconds I will staple his mouth shut. And I will enjoy it.”
“Jaejoong did you hear what Changmin said?”
“Oh god Yoochun I’m so sorry, your slippers, they’re fantastic, really, really wonderful and fashionable and-…”
“Jaejoong I’m going to slap you again if you don’t stop.”
“…please don’t.”
It takes a little while but Jaejoong does calm down enough to eat one of Changmin’s proffered chips (“This isn’t…isn’t made from blood or anything, is it?” “You can give it back to me if you’re such a wuss about a sour cream and onion Lays, seriously, I’m only giving it to you to shut you up.”) and learn that yes, this is indeed a place to keep flowers, yes they’re all vampires and no, vampires don’t eat people. Really.
“Then what about the not enough to go round thing?”
“Oh bugger, you heard that? Ah…it’s better we show you. Junsu, would be so kind as to go pull an example out? Take the one in the green shirt if you can, he’s a big boy, losing another pint or two won’t hurt too much.”
Jaejoong ogles at Junsu’s back disappearing into another room, Jaejoong patting the now empty seat next to him. Changmin gets up with a hmph sound the moment Jaejoong makes as if to sit down.
“Don’t scream too much when you watch later,” he says in Jaejoong’s general direction with obvious distaste at Yunho’s reveal-all.
“Won’t scream as loud as your mom did last night,” comes the too quick reply and Jaejoong titters nervously to himself, suddenly aware of everyone’s eyes on him.
Changmin casts him a dirty look before stalking away to eat his chips in peace, Yunho making an approving noise at the back of his throat before turning back to Jaejoong who’s starting to mumble things about how “I did not just insult a vampire’s mother Kim Jaejoong you stupid, stupid man do you have any idea what you’ve just done oh god why.”
“Sit. And close your mouth, you look uneducated, standing there talking to yourself like a loon. Changmin hates his mother, for the record, he’s not going to kill you.”
Jaejoong sits and closes his mouth, only to have it hang open again when Junsu comes back dragging an unconscious man behind him, limbs askew and limp.
“This, my dear human friend, is exhibit A. Well actually no, his name is actually something really generic I can’t remember but the point is, exhibit A here is a bit of what you’d call a first class asshole. Burglary, armed assault, abuse, you name it and he’s probably done it. But you see the problem is, despite all that, pinning whatever shit he’s done on him would take months, maybe years, depending on how much backlog the local courts are facing. Are you with me so far?”
Yunho turns to him expectantly and Jaejoong almost says “If I say no, are you going to repeat all of that?” but common sense kicks in and there’s a “Yes,” instead.
“Very good. So. Back to exhibit A. What we do is…yeah okay Yoochun go show Jaejoong what we do.”
Yoochun obliges with a flashy bow and strides over to the man on the floor, kicks him in the side until he wakes up with a groan.
“N-n-no no please no not again no please-…”
There’s a high pitched wail as Yoochun draws closer and closer to the man, smiling a full fanged smile all the while, low growl in his throat.
“What we do is scare the bejeebers out of the poor sod first,” Yunho says softly to Jaejoong who’s watching the whole procedure through the cracks of his fingers held over his eyes. “And then-…”
Yoochun snaps his teeth dangerously close to the man’s jugular, grazing the skin of his neck.
“And then we make him wish he’d never been born,” Junsu finishes with a dramatic snap of his fingers in front of Jaejoong’s face as he goes to help Yoochun pin the man down, making Jaejoong yelp from the sudden sound. Yoochun sinks his teeth into flesh and the man starts to scream.
“But we don’t kill him, of course. Make him want to kill himself from the pain but we don’t actually do the deed ourselves, what he wants to do when we’re done is strictly his own choice.”
Yunho is watching Jaejoong watch the man on the floor, writhing with Junsu making distastefully funny giddy-up horse jokes on his back.
“Of course,” Jaejoong echoes hollowly before excusing himself to go throw up noisily in the corner.
[tbc]
AN- ...I should be attempting to write good!fic, I know, I know.