i hate valentines day
kyouya/tamaki
crack
pg13
1817 words
Kyouya Ohtori was usually a calm, cool, collected, scheming, money-minded person. A prefect picture of all things poised and obnoxiously rich. Key word here: usually. Right now, the words calm, cool, and collected unfortunately did not apply. Oh no, not at all, but 2 out of 5 wasn’t that bad.
Kyouya turned in the cramped dressing room to examine his side view in the dirty (what
was tha-...oh never mind, he didn’t want to know anyway) mirror and almost knocked over the flimsy partitions that separated a pissed-off Ohtori heir from the outside world.
Kyouya’s Valentines Day Hate-o-Meter--> 89%
“I take that back,” he grunted between clenched teeth and brushed his unusually messy hair out of his eyes. Bed hair. Ugh...but Tamaki had insisted and had even confiscated every comb in sight for Kyouya to achieve this style (pshaw to that). Driven only by sheer want of the profit this...excursion...would bring, he had endured it with nothing more than a few pursed lips, death glares and unspoken threats in his head.
I shall skin him alive with a blunt potato peeler, hang him by his feet...no, hair, from a ceiling fan and turn it to full speed.
“Kyouya-kun, are you done??”
Screw potato peelers and ceiling fans, give him his bare hands and that fool of a Suoh’s scrawny neck anytime.
Flashback Starts
(Insert cool effects such as showy background music and visual thingamajigs at will.)
2 days before Valentines Day and the Host Club was in an uproar.
“Mori and I are going away for Valentines Day and...” She trailed off, watching the Shadow King scribble something unintelligible down.
Tap, went his pen against the ever present clipboard.
Kyouya’s Valentines Day Hate-o-Meter--> 30%
“A-and t-th-that. Is. Final.” squeaked out Haruhi, gulping down the insane urge to throw her hands up into the air and run away screaming.
“I’m sorry, but that might not be possible.”
“But...”
Kyouya looked up from his papers, the soft lights of the 3rd Music Room catching his glasses dramatically. Behind the safety of a plush blue couch, Tamaki and the twins cowered and whispered amongst themselves, watching the unthinkable unfold.
Takashi Morinozuka and Haruhi Fujioka vs. The Shadow King aka Kyouya Ohtori, the first and final round.
“Hunny, pass me a cookie.” hissed The King and the little blond boy obliged, the end result being the three spectators getting sugary crumbs all over their school blazers. Defeated and at a loss at what to say to The Devil’s Helper Himself, Haruhi started to take a hesitant step back when Mori suddenly clamped his oversized hand on her shoulder, holding her in place as he bent down a little to Kyouya’s height. The Shadow King barely flinched.
“We already made reservations.” That said, he hoisted his girl unceremoniously onto his broad shoulder (Like a sack of potatoes, thought Haruhi glumly) and walked out in unhurried strides. “Gomen, senpai.” mouthed Haruhi, sheepish grin plastered onto her all-too-innocent face. The heavy double doors slammed shut behind the couple, leaving the remaining 5 hosts in shocked silence.
Tap, tap.
Kyouya pushed his glasses up so they sat firmly on his nose once again while the King and his henchmen slunk lower behind their couch, shaking in their shoes.
Tap.
Kyouya’s Valentines Day Hate-o-Meter--> 40%
“It appears, we have A Problem.”
Hunny swung his legs and popped another piece of cake into his mouth, nodding as he chewed. “Agreed, Kyou-chan!”
Resisting the urge to glare daggers at the oblivious cake eating machine, the three behind the couch got onto their hands and knees, crawling swiftly away from what could possible later turn into a disaster area. So absorbed were they in making it away from there in once tangible piece that the looming shadow of clipboard and owner went unnoticed until it was much too late.
“And where do you think you three are going?”
They froze mid-crawl, heads turning mechanically, variations of “Who, me?” and “Oh crap” on their prefect features.
“We have...homework! Yes! Lots and loads of...” “Very important homework,” picked up Kaoru as he dragged his still babbling twin towards the door, taking large steps backwards all the while mumbling incomprehensible homework related reasons for them to leave. Now. The doors shut again, leaving only 3 hosts behind this time. Tamaki got to his feet, still staying a safe distance away from his silently fuming vice president. “What are we going to do?”
Tap.
“You tell me.”
The blond youth flopped onto the couch and flung one slim arm over his face, ever the drama queen. King. Whatever.
“We’re doomed! DOOMED!!!!!”
Kyouya’s Valentines Day Hate-o-Meter--> 48%
“Yes, that has recently come to my attention, thank you for bringing it up again.”
“DOOMED!!!DOOMDOOMDOOMDOOM!”
Kyouya’s Valentines Day Hate-o-Meter--> 53%
“...”
“We have 5 host and 2 days! THINK OF SOMETHING MOMMY!”
“You’re the president.”
“...A masked event! Nobody’ll know we’re short of 3 hosts!”
“Good but we did that just a few months back and Haruhi we can replace but it’s pretty much impossible to find someone like Mori in such a short time.”
“ARE YOU SAYING MY DAUGHTER IS....*insert gasp here*...COMMON?! AND REPLACEABLE?!?”
“She is a commoner after all and you suggested the idea yourself...ah, stay on the topic, please, Tamaki.”
“A secret Santa Valentines Day edition!”
“Too much planning, high cost, no time.”
“We curl up in a dark corner and DIE!!”
“Good idea, but no.”
The seconds ticked by. Hunny had another slice of cake, Tamaki declined a piece and tried brainstorming once again, Kyouya glared a few more holes into Tamaki’s skull. Out of all the useless activities mentioned, one of them must have did something to The King (Kyouya suspected that his invisible drilling must have let in some oxygen into Tamaki’s brain) because he suddenly sat up, blue eyes shining triumphantly.
“I have GOT IT!”
“Do share.”
“We have...A MAKEOVER!”
Kyouya’s Valentines Day Hate-o-Meter--> 59%
Kyouya felt the unmistakably familiar urge to smack Tamaki upside of his head but decided against it. A few more brain cells lost and god knows what could happen. Of all the ridiculous, far-fectched-
*insert sound of high speed mechanical motor here*
Uh-oh.
“Hohohohohoho...”
“Renge-kun!”
The mechanical platform rose smoothly out of the floor, tiles sliding back to provide an unhindered passageway from the dark depths of whatever that lay beneath the Club’s floor.
“Hohohoho...”
It creaked to a halt, the brown haired girl on it facing her audience.
“That, my dear ugly frog disguised not very well as a still ugly prince, is a fantastic idea!” Artificial wind pumped in from god knows where ruffled Renge’s clothes and hair, making her look more intimidating than ever. “Yes, I know!” cried out Tamaki, letting the frog comment slip. “I, ever faithful president and father, have saved the club! Aren’t you overjoyed, Mommy?” Kyouya ignored the euphoric blond and got up, turning to Renge instead.
“Renge-san, may I point out to you that the last time we did something like this, it was a complete, utter failure.”
“Indeed, Kyouya-sama! I was young and new to this world but now...” A whiteboard rose in its on little platform beside her, elaborate diagrams on it. Renge flicked on her laser pointer.
“I have A Plan”
Cue O_o’s all round.
Kyouya’s Valentines Day Hate-o-Meter--> 75%
Flashback ends
(Insert classic fading out. This has been an Ohtori production)
So here he was, stuck in a desolate shop in some god-forsaken rundown shop in Outside Civilization, Middle of Nowhere. Logical pairing, had of course, put him with Tamaki. The twins had been sought out the day before (found in some empty classroom two floors down in various states of undress and quite, quite happily drunk. Please enjoy the mental images) and persuaded to leave “homework” for later. Hunny wouldn’t operate with anyone other than Mori, so it had come to this.
HikaruxKauro, TamakixKyouya, HunnyxCake.
Brilliant.
Kyouya’s Valentines Day Hate-o-Meter--> 93%
The dressing room door swung shut on its rusty hinges behind him and he leaned, tired, against it. 5 hours of popping in and out of different shops, (all surprisingly as god-forsaken as the last) was taking a toll on him whereas Tamaki was still as hyper as ever. “Slouch a little, Kyouya-kun. We’re going for the punk-grunge look here.”
Eh, he sounded much more subdued. No matter...
Kyouya obliged and felt Tamaki’s eyes on him, taking in everything from the scuffed boots (2nd hand no doubt!) to ripped pants to faded band tee to leather jacket thrown over one shoulder. He shifted uncomfortably, the phrase “undressing *insert name here* with his eyes” coming to mind.
“You look good.”
Tamaki’s blue eyes flicked hastily away from Kyouya’s piercing, curious and slightly amused ones.
“Oh.” was all he could say as Tamaki took a few steps closer and he tensed up as a gentle hand brushed down a few more strands of black hair to fall over his eyes. “There. Perfect.” Kyouya would have grudgingly muttered another “Oh,” had not his mouth been occupied with something else.
Such as kissing back Tamaki Suoh’s.
Baka, he scolded himself in his head, fingers releasing their grip on the jacket to tangle themselves in Tamaki’s fine blond hair. I should have known. What did I miss? Little things, probably, like the fact I don’t like arguing with him anymore than he does with me, if it could be called that. Come to think of it we never really-
“Take it off.”
NANI?!
Kyouya’s Valentines Day Hate-o-Meter {malfunction}
Kyouya felt himself go pale and then a brilliant shade of red.
“Wh-what?”
Tamaki cocked his head to one side, hair all unruly now courtesy of Kyouya. My god he looks cute when he does that, hair- Kyouya caught himself before he could continue and felt like slapping some sense into himself.
“The clothes,” answered Tamaki, as if it were the most natural thing to say (actually the only thing, based on the given situation. Kyouya didn’t expect him to say “Yeah, take off the strawberry cheesecake” now, did he? But that’s besides the point).
Tamaki turned on his heel and started to walk away. “Meet me back at the car when you’re done. I always did like you- “
Naked?! thought Kyouya and almost did slap himself for thinking that.
“-in your school uniform anyway.” The blond looked over his shoulder, eyes trailing upwards, with what seemed like a half smirk on his face. “This style doesn’t suit you anyway.” And he was gone, disappeared behind the scattered racks of clothing. Kyouya bent down and picked up the fallen jacket, locking himself into the dressing room again. He bit his slightly bruised lower lip and stared at his reflection in the mirror. Looks like Valentines Day wasn’t going to be so bad after all.
Kyouya’s Valentines Day Hate-o-Meter= 1% (because Tamaki forgot about the driver in the front seat)
[fin]
crack
pg13
1817 words
Kyouya Ohtori was usually a calm, cool, collected, scheming, money-minded person. A prefect picture of all things poised and obnoxiously rich. Key word here: usually. Right now, the words calm, cool, and collected unfortunately did not apply. Oh no, not at all, but 2 out of 5 wasn’t that bad.
Kyouya turned in the cramped dressing room to examine his side view in the dirty (what
was tha-...oh never mind, he didn’t want to know anyway) mirror and almost knocked over the flimsy partitions that separated a pissed-off Ohtori heir from the outside world.
Kyouya’s Valentines Day Hate-o-Meter--> 89%
“I take that back,” he grunted between clenched teeth and brushed his unusually messy hair out of his eyes. Bed hair. Ugh...but Tamaki had insisted and had even confiscated every comb in sight for Kyouya to achieve this style (pshaw to that). Driven only by sheer want of the profit this...excursion...would bring, he had endured it with nothing more than a few pursed lips, death glares and unspoken threats in his head.
I shall skin him alive with a blunt potato peeler, hang him by his feet...no, hair, from a ceiling fan and turn it to full speed.
“Kyouya-kun, are you done??”
Screw potato peelers and ceiling fans, give him his bare hands and that fool of a Suoh’s scrawny neck anytime.
Flashback Starts
(Insert cool effects such as showy background music and visual thingamajigs at will.)
2 days before Valentines Day and the Host Club was in an uproar.
“Mori and I are going away for Valentines Day and...” She trailed off, watching the Shadow King scribble something unintelligible down.
Tap, went his pen against the ever present clipboard.
Kyouya’s Valentines Day Hate-o-Meter--> 30%
“A-and t-th-that. Is. Final.” squeaked out Haruhi, gulping down the insane urge to throw her hands up into the air and run away screaming.
“I’m sorry, but that might not be possible.”
“But...”
Kyouya looked up from his papers, the soft lights of the 3rd Music Room catching his glasses dramatically. Behind the safety of a plush blue couch, Tamaki and the twins cowered and whispered amongst themselves, watching the unthinkable unfold.
Takashi Morinozuka and Haruhi Fujioka vs. The Shadow King aka Kyouya Ohtori, the first and final round.
“Hunny, pass me a cookie.” hissed The King and the little blond boy obliged, the end result being the three spectators getting sugary crumbs all over their school blazers. Defeated and at a loss at what to say to The Devil’s Helper Himself, Haruhi started to take a hesitant step back when Mori suddenly clamped his oversized hand on her shoulder, holding her in place as he bent down a little to Kyouya’s height. The Shadow King barely flinched.
“We already made reservations.” That said, he hoisted his girl unceremoniously onto his broad shoulder (Like a sack of potatoes, thought Haruhi glumly) and walked out in unhurried strides. “Gomen, senpai.” mouthed Haruhi, sheepish grin plastered onto her all-too-innocent face. The heavy double doors slammed shut behind the couple, leaving the remaining 5 hosts in shocked silence.
Tap, tap.
Kyouya pushed his glasses up so they sat firmly on his nose once again while the King and his henchmen slunk lower behind their couch, shaking in their shoes.
Tap.
Kyouya’s Valentines Day Hate-o-Meter--> 40%
“It appears, we have A Problem.”
Hunny swung his legs and popped another piece of cake into his mouth, nodding as he chewed. “Agreed, Kyou-chan!”
Resisting the urge to glare daggers at the oblivious cake eating machine, the three behind the couch got onto their hands and knees, crawling swiftly away from what could possible later turn into a disaster area. So absorbed were they in making it away from there in once tangible piece that the looming shadow of clipboard and owner went unnoticed until it was much too late.
“And where do you think you three are going?”
They froze mid-crawl, heads turning mechanically, variations of “Who, me?” and “Oh crap” on their prefect features.
“We have...homework! Yes! Lots and loads of...” “Very important homework,” picked up Kaoru as he dragged his still babbling twin towards the door, taking large steps backwards all the while mumbling incomprehensible homework related reasons for them to leave. Now. The doors shut again, leaving only 3 hosts behind this time. Tamaki got to his feet, still staying a safe distance away from his silently fuming vice president. “What are we going to do?”
Tap.
“You tell me.”
The blond youth flopped onto the couch and flung one slim arm over his face, ever the drama queen. King. Whatever.
“We’re doomed! DOOMED!!!!!”
Kyouya’s Valentines Day Hate-o-Meter--> 48%
“Yes, that has recently come to my attention, thank you for bringing it up again.”
“DOOMED!!!DOOMDOOMDOOMDOOM!”
Kyouya’s Valentines Day Hate-o-Meter--> 53%
“...”
“We have 5 host and 2 days! THINK OF SOMETHING MOMMY!”
“You’re the president.”
“...A masked event! Nobody’ll know we’re short of 3 hosts!”
“Good but we did that just a few months back and Haruhi we can replace but it’s pretty much impossible to find someone like Mori in such a short time.”
“ARE YOU SAYING MY DAUGHTER IS....*insert gasp here*...COMMON?! AND REPLACEABLE?!?”
“She is a commoner after all and you suggested the idea yourself...ah, stay on the topic, please, Tamaki.”
“A secret Santa Valentines Day edition!”
“Too much planning, high cost, no time.”
“We curl up in a dark corner and DIE!!”
“Good idea, but no.”
The seconds ticked by. Hunny had another slice of cake, Tamaki declined a piece and tried brainstorming once again, Kyouya glared a few more holes into Tamaki’s skull. Out of all the useless activities mentioned, one of them must have did something to The King (Kyouya suspected that his invisible drilling must have let in some oxygen into Tamaki’s brain) because he suddenly sat up, blue eyes shining triumphantly.
“I have GOT IT!”
“Do share.”
“We have...A MAKEOVER!”
Kyouya’s Valentines Day Hate-o-Meter--> 59%
Kyouya felt the unmistakably familiar urge to smack Tamaki upside of his head but decided against it. A few more brain cells lost and god knows what could happen. Of all the ridiculous, far-fectched-
*insert sound of high speed mechanical motor here*
Uh-oh.
“Hohohohohoho...”
“Renge-kun!”
The mechanical platform rose smoothly out of the floor, tiles sliding back to provide an unhindered passageway from the dark depths of whatever that lay beneath the Club’s floor.
“Hohohoho...”
It creaked to a halt, the brown haired girl on it facing her audience.
“That, my dear ugly frog disguised not very well as a still ugly prince, is a fantastic idea!” Artificial wind pumped in from god knows where ruffled Renge’s clothes and hair, making her look more intimidating than ever. “Yes, I know!” cried out Tamaki, letting the frog comment slip. “I, ever faithful president and father, have saved the club! Aren’t you overjoyed, Mommy?” Kyouya ignored the euphoric blond and got up, turning to Renge instead.
“Renge-san, may I point out to you that the last time we did something like this, it was a complete, utter failure.”
“Indeed, Kyouya-sama! I was young and new to this world but now...” A whiteboard rose in its on little platform beside her, elaborate diagrams on it. Renge flicked on her laser pointer.
“I have A Plan”
Cue O_o’s all round.
Kyouya’s Valentines Day Hate-o-Meter--> 75%
Flashback ends
(Insert classic fading out. This has been an Ohtori production)
So here he was, stuck in a desolate shop in some god-forsaken rundown shop in Outside Civilization, Middle of Nowhere. Logical pairing, had of course, put him with Tamaki. The twins had been sought out the day before (found in some empty classroom two floors down in various states of undress and quite, quite happily drunk. Please enjoy the mental images) and persuaded to leave “homework” for later. Hunny wouldn’t operate with anyone other than Mori, so it had come to this.
HikaruxKauro, TamakixKyouya, HunnyxCake.
Brilliant.
Kyouya’s Valentines Day Hate-o-Meter--> 93%
The dressing room door swung shut on its rusty hinges behind him and he leaned, tired, against it. 5 hours of popping in and out of different shops, (all surprisingly as god-forsaken as the last) was taking a toll on him whereas Tamaki was still as hyper as ever. “Slouch a little, Kyouya-kun. We’re going for the punk-grunge look here.”
Eh, he sounded much more subdued. No matter...
Kyouya obliged and felt Tamaki’s eyes on him, taking in everything from the scuffed boots (2nd hand no doubt!) to ripped pants to faded band tee to leather jacket thrown over one shoulder. He shifted uncomfortably, the phrase “undressing *insert name here* with his eyes” coming to mind.
“You look good.”
Tamaki’s blue eyes flicked hastily away from Kyouya’s piercing, curious and slightly amused ones.
“Oh.” was all he could say as Tamaki took a few steps closer and he tensed up as a gentle hand brushed down a few more strands of black hair to fall over his eyes. “There. Perfect.” Kyouya would have grudgingly muttered another “Oh,” had not his mouth been occupied with something else.
Such as kissing back Tamaki Suoh’s.
Baka, he scolded himself in his head, fingers releasing their grip on the jacket to tangle themselves in Tamaki’s fine blond hair. I should have known. What did I miss? Little things, probably, like the fact I don’t like arguing with him anymore than he does with me, if it could be called that. Come to think of it we never really-
“Take it off.”
NANI?!
Kyouya’s Valentines Day Hate-o-Meter {malfunction}
Kyouya felt himself go pale and then a brilliant shade of red.
“Wh-what?”
Tamaki cocked his head to one side, hair all unruly now courtesy of Kyouya. My god he looks cute when he does that, hair- Kyouya caught himself before he could continue and felt like slapping some sense into himself.
“The clothes,” answered Tamaki, as if it were the most natural thing to say (actually the only thing, based on the given situation. Kyouya didn’t expect him to say “Yeah, take off the strawberry cheesecake” now, did he? But that’s besides the point).
Tamaki turned on his heel and started to walk away. “Meet me back at the car when you’re done. I always did like you- “
Naked?! thought Kyouya and almost did slap himself for thinking that.
“-in your school uniform anyway.” The blond looked over his shoulder, eyes trailing upwards, with what seemed like a half smirk on his face. “This style doesn’t suit you anyway.” And he was gone, disappeared behind the scattered racks of clothing. Kyouya bent down and picked up the fallen jacket, locking himself into the dressing room again. He bit his slightly bruised lower lip and stared at his reflection in the mirror. Looks like Valentines Day wasn’t going to be so bad after all.
Kyouya’s Valentines Day Hate-o-Meter= 1% (because Tamaki forgot about the driver in the front seat)
[fin]