Gotta Rewrite The Past [To Have This Future] - Chaptered
Title: Gotta Rewrite The Past [To Have This Future]
Author: Blink-sum-new-muse
Rating: NC-17
Fandom: CW RP
Summary: When Jared and Jensen say they never met before Supernatural, it's not strictly true. But why won't they admit this, what the hell happened back then, and what bearing could it have on their future?
Disclaimer: I do not own Jensen Ackles, Jared Padalecki, Nico McEown, Eric Kripke, Kim Manners, Alexis Bledel or any of their families. I also do not own The Gilmore Girls.
Status: Ongoing.
Previous Chapters: One Two Three
Spoilers: Dead In The Water [1x03].
A few weeks into shooting, the cast and crew were starting to feel like a family. It was inevitable; spending eighteen hours a day, five days a week in someone's presence will bring that kind of familiarity. Jared and Jensen fell into an easy routine, one which involved long amounts of time spent together - both on and off set - partly because they were expected to be that close on screen and doing so in real life just made it easier, and partly because they truly enjoyed each other's company. They'd never really had the chance to explore things as friends before - they met and then almost instantaneously they were dating - but Jensen thought they were actually quite good at it, probably better than they had been as a couple. It was good to know that they weren't just destined to be bad news for one another, because as much as Jared used to drive him crazy, he'd still always liked the kid. Loved him, even.
Jared, for his part, just couldn't hate anyone - even had a good word for Stalin and the like - so disliking someone he'd been in love with was pretty much out of the question. And he still liked Jensen, he knew, even if the man was still acting like an idiot, so of course the day after he'd reamed him out, he was acting as though nothing had happened and coming to the door of his hotel room at five am with coffee and a stupid big grin that never failed to get Jensen out of bed.
Usually on Fridays, most of the crew ended up in a bar together. Saturdays were often spent doing their own thing, cruising Vancouver in separate groups to check out clubs or maybe hanging around in someone's hotel room with a few beers, but Friday was the night that for some reason became designated as their night to hang out as one big group. The bars they alternated between were more than happy for their custom as long as they didn't start any trouble - which most of them weren't any good at anyway - and they unspeakingly chose ones that weren't likely to be hit up by college kids who'd soon start drooling over the leads and making it uncomfortable for them to relax.
One particular Friday, they were celebrating the end of what had been a particularly difficult episode to film, although they all knew it would look great when it was done. The tradition had set in that they would always choose something to celebrate, as if that gave them licence to drink more - the previous week, for example, they had been celebrating one of the sound guys' achievement in finally getting to sleep with the girl he'd been cruising the entire time they'd been up there - and even though it was ridiculous, they still found it fun. Jensen honestly thought, however, that this week was definitely something to be celebrating. For him the most trying moment had been when he was pulled underwater by a couple of divers with the ten year old in his arms. He then had to come up again, as though he'd just dragged the kid out, while the child played dead. Even though he knew for certain that Nico had not drowned in the few seconds they'd been under, it was still pretty unnerving to have to see him act as though he had and to play along with it.
But the episode was over and so it was time for some serious drinking, or so Jensen proclaimed. No one disagreed, although that was probably due to the fact that they liked to drink rather than the same reasons as Jensen.
He and Jared were both well over the edge of tipsy by the time they got challenged to a game of doubles pool by Eric and Kim. "C'mon, we wanna see if the sharks on screen size up off screen," was Kim's easy method of persuasion. He'd evidently learned early on that an easy way to get drunk Jensen to agree to do something was to insinuate that Dean could do it better.
"Sure, you're on," Jensen grinned, throwing back another shot of golden liquid before dragging Jared off the barstool next to him towards the table. Eric, thankfully, had calmed down some since the beginning, and was no longer a danger to anyone's sanity to be around. He'd also stopped gushing about how well Jared and Jensen worked together - unless he was being interviewed, in which case the excitement came back in full force as though he hoped to inject possible viewers with his own enthusiasm - and since they'd been working for a while, everyone had stopped commenting when they mentioned anything from their past history as they assumed it must be something that had happened recently.
Twenty minutes later, Jensen was practically hiding his head in shame, the alcohol making the situation seem much worse than it really was. For Kim, however, who was at much the same level of inebriation, the victory seemed much better than it really was, so his crowing wasn't helping Jensen's pride.
"I am gonna play pool every goddamn day for the rest of my life until I can beat him one-handed," Jensen declared darkly to Jared, who was sat opposite him in the booth.
Jared laughed, his open-mouthed happy laugh that made his friend smile even despite the trauma he was enduring. "Sure y'are, Jen."
"What? You don't think I could beat him?" Jensen seemed almost affronted.
"You can't," Jared pointed out, gesturing towards the pool table and almost smacking one of their props guys in the stomach. While he was busy apologising and the props guy was busy telling him it was all right, which took five times longer than usual because they were both drunk, Jensen scowled.
By the time he got Jared's attention back, he'd formulated a plan. Or rather, he'd planned to formulate a plan. "If I can't beat him at pool, I can beat him at somethin' else," he declared, nodding his head for emphasis.
"Darts?" Jared suggested.
"Nah," Jensen shook his head. "Too easy. There's not enough...humiliation in darts."
Jared frowned, thinking. "But what else can you do?"
Suddenly, a smile spread itself across Jensen's face, bright and unexpected. Jared smiled along, for no reason other than it was good to see Jensen happy, although he wouldn't ever admit it. "Exactly. What can we do, better than anyone?"
"Sex?" Jared replied immediately.
"Yeah," Jensen grinned, and then [thankfully, he told himself later when he recalled the conversation sober] pulled his thoughts back on track. "No, aside from that."
The other man stared at him, cluelessly.
"Pranks!" Jensen declared, amazed when Jared didn't get it, and then looked furtively around as though to check Kim and Eric hadn't heard him. No one was anywhere near them. Jared looked around too, several seconds behind Jensen and not sure what he was looking for but he was used to following Jensen without question when he was drunk. He had the same compulsion sober, only he was able to exercise a little more restraint then.
"We can drive them nuts," Jensen said ominously, lowering his voice enough that Jared had to lean in to hear him. They locked eyes across the table. "On set. All day long. Chairs breaking, coffee with salt, props mysteriously disappearing and being replaced by bananas-"
He had to stop then, was forced to by the sudden explosion of Jared's laughter as he recalled that particular prank being played on the set of The Gilmore Girls. Every single prop that was going to be used that day in the stage directions had been replaced by a banana. They'd then turned up one by one as people were looking for them, in bizarre places such as duct taped underneath a camera, and it had driven everyone up the wall. Jared and Chad had thoroughly enjoyed that day. Everyone else had gone insane.
Jensen smiled as he waited for Jared to calm down enough to listen. "You see what I mean?" he asked. "We are the masters. We can wreak havoc. Kim will pay."
"What'd Kim do?" Jared wondered, and Jensen sighed, preparing himself to have to remind his friend of the last half an hour.
They caught a cab back to their hotel together around four am, and while Jared hugged Kim goodbye as he did everyone that he'd met more than once, Kim laughed again at the mutinous look on Jensen's face. Back at the hotel, they laughed like idiots as they recounted some of their more interesting plans from the evening, and Jensen just remembered to push the button for his floor too before the elevator sailed past it and on to Jared's.
"Tonight's been fun, man," he declared as he walked carefully through the doorway, then looked back at Jared still inside, propped against the wall. "Just like old times, huh?"
"Yeah," Jared replied, grinning, and added a, "G'night," and a wave as the doors slid shut.
Jared woke up the next afternoon with his head feeling surprisingly normal, and was quite happy to smile and thank God for small miracles until he realised that the events of the previous night were now clear memories to him rather than muddy and distant. And aside from remembering an awful lot of stupid things he'd said and done while drunk, he also remembered quite clearly the emotion coursing through him as those doors had shut on Jensen last night.
He groaned out loud. He was falling in love with Jensen again. Just like old times, indeed.
He didn't want to be in love with Jensen again. Being friends was fine - great, even, considering their job - and he could even deal with thinking he was hot because, well, he was pretty sure everybody had at least a little bit of a crush on Jensen, no matter their sexuality. But falling in love was just dangerous. It would get them back exactly where they were before, in that relationship that wasn't going to go anywhere.
He could admit easily enough that Jensen hadn't been entirely to blame for its demise. He knew there had been times when he'd pressed too hard; had wanted what Jensen just wasn't ready to give, and had assumed that Jensen wanted things just because he did. But he was older and wiser now, and he could admit those mistakes. Jensen, it seemed, was exactly the same person. Still lying when he decided something would be hard to deal with, still ignoring things as though if he couldn't see them, they weren't there, like a baby playing peekaboo. And Jared just couldn't be in a relationship with someone like that, because all it did was cause fights.
Jared concentrated hard on every single memory he had where Jensen had pissed him off, as though this would make him fall out of love. But somehow, all the good ones kept slipping through and it didn't work in the slightest. He was pissed off, but not at all surprised.
Jared is frustrated with himself. Despite having limited acting experience, he's always been better than he rightfully should have been, picking up on tips easily and storing them away for future usage so that he never screws up the same way twice. And he's definitely never been one of those shy kids, the ones that blush all over when they have to kiss someone in front of anyone else despite the fact that they've probably done it hundreds of times before at parties and stuff.
Jared has absolutely no problem with being asked to kiss Alexis - cameras or no cameras - so why he'd been so bad at it, he couldn't understand. And because he couldn't understand, he was getting more and more annoyed with himself. Truth be told, it wasn't that he was bad - or so Alexis said, although he couldn't be sure she wasn't just trying to save his feelings. But every time they'd gotten into it, the proper kiss that the script warranted, Jared had pulled back, frowning and saying it didn't feel right. When pressed, he couldn't explain it, but it was a deep feeling in his gut, just like something was saying this was wrong.
Eventually the director had become frustrated and just yelled, "For God's sake, kid, imagine she's got a dick then if it'll make you happy!" and although it was a cheap shot - which most of the crew angrily told him so, because they were fine with Jared being gay - it seemed to work. On the next take he imagained her being Jensen, and blotted out the smooth curves and long hair in favour of hard abs and soft, spiky strands, and sure enough that take they got through and they were able to move on.
But that was a ridiculous solution to a problem, and he was still pissed off that he didn't even know what the problem itself was. He'd blown Jensen off when he'd come home, saying that he had to look at some lines or something and ignoring Jensen's slightly surprised look, since they'd agreed to play PS2 and then [although this part was unspoken] make out a lot, possibly with some handjobs or blowjobs involved. So now he was alone in his own apartment, and that made him even more annoyed.
Suddenly, it hit him. He was miserable that Jensen wasn't there, even though he was the one who'd blown him off. And Jensen had, apparently, been the solution to his problem earlier. He never, ever got that feeling, that low thrum of wrong when he was kissing Jensen, and maybe it was because...kissing Jensen was always right.
"I love Jensen," Jared states out loud, without thinking, and then smiles. "I'm in love with Jensen." The words feel good on his tongue; they exit easily as though they were always meant to be said. Jared is grinning like an idiot but he doesn't care, because a) he's solved his problem and b) he's in love, dammit, and people in love are allowed to act like fools.
It was nothing to do with him, or Alexis. It was just that kissing her felt wrong, like he was cheating on Jensen and his body wouldn't allow him to do it. Guilt manifested into that dull pain in his stomach. It could never be as right as it was with Jensen.
Spurred on by the dizzy feeling he's gotten from his realisation, he hurries out of his apartment, forgetting to even close the door behind him, and strides down the hall to Jensen's, knocking confidently on the door. Jensen looks surprised to see him - not necessarily because it's him, even though he wasn't expecting it, but because the giddy look on his face is so at odds with the way he'd looked earlier when he'd brushed Jensen off. The older man raises his eyebrows, but before he can get a word out Jared's speaking.
"I'm in love with you," he states happily, as though he's saying, "I just won the lottery," or, "Sadie just had puppies."
Jensen's reaction isn't quite what he would have been hoping for, had he even stopped to think about it.
"Are you sure?" Jensen asks cautiously.
Jared blinks, thrown a little. "Uh. Yeah. I just realised, but...yeah." He tries to smile again but when Jensen isn't smiling too, he finds it hard.
There's a pause before Jensen realises it's probably his turn to speak. "Um...that's great, Jared, but..." He has to stop when Jared starts to look like a kicked puppy, and he knows he's not even doing it on purpose, just that that's his default sad face. Jensen kicks himself for having put that there, as well as for being so susceptible to it.
"No, man, I don't-" he reaches out, and Jared lets himself be pulled into the tight circle of Jensen's arms, hugs him back even though he's confused and hurt, but he has to because Jensen's arms is where he feels safe, "It's not that I don't want you to. Okay? It's not that. It's nothin' bad. I just...you have to be sure you're sure, Jared. I don't want you to rush into anything with me, thinkin' you're feelin' things you're not. All right? You're so young, an' I know what it's like-"
"I'm young, but I'm not stupid," Jared pulls back, frowning a little, although he can't quite bring himself to pull back entirely and walk away like he feels he should. "I know what I feel, Jen, it's not about, like, wanting to have some adult thing or whatever you're thinking. I love you. I'm sorry if you can't...accept that or whatever..."
He trails off when Jensen tugs him back. "Jesus, Jared," the older man breathes. "No, I accept it, okay? I don't want you to- it's great. I'm just worried about you is all. I care about you a lot and I don't want you to get hurt."
"Okay," Jared mumbles back, into his shoulder. It's not really, it's not okay but he can pretend it is as long as Jensen will keep holding him like this and if he isn't pushing him away or freaking out and telling him that everything was a mistake, well, Jared can deal. He hates being treated like a kid, like he doesn't know what he even feels, but he's not going to have a hissy fit over it and prove to Jensen that he really is just a child, so instead he leans in close to Jensen's body and breathes him in deep.
Yeah, if he gets to have this then he can deal with anything.
Continue
Pic//Blink-sum-new-muse
Author: Blink-sum-new-muse
Rating: NC-17
Fandom: CW RP
Summary: When Jared and Jensen say they never met before Supernatural, it's not strictly true. But why won't they admit this, what the hell happened back then, and what bearing could it have on their future?
Disclaimer: I do not own Jensen Ackles, Jared Padalecki, Nico McEown, Eric Kripke, Kim Manners, Alexis Bledel or any of their families. I also do not own The Gilmore Girls.
Status: Ongoing.
Previous Chapters: One Two Three
Spoilers: Dead In The Water [1x03].
A few weeks into shooting, the cast and crew were starting to feel like a family. It was inevitable; spending eighteen hours a day, five days a week in someone's presence will bring that kind of familiarity. Jared and Jensen fell into an easy routine, one which involved long amounts of time spent together - both on and off set - partly because they were expected to be that close on screen and doing so in real life just made it easier, and partly because they truly enjoyed each other's company. They'd never really had the chance to explore things as friends before - they met and then almost instantaneously they were dating - but Jensen thought they were actually quite good at it, probably better than they had been as a couple. It was good to know that they weren't just destined to be bad news for one another, because as much as Jared used to drive him crazy, he'd still always liked the kid. Loved him, even.
Jared, for his part, just couldn't hate anyone - even had a good word for Stalin and the like - so disliking someone he'd been in love with was pretty much out of the question. And he still liked Jensen, he knew, even if the man was still acting like an idiot, so of course the day after he'd reamed him out, he was acting as though nothing had happened and coming to the door of his hotel room at five am with coffee and a stupid big grin that never failed to get Jensen out of bed.
Usually on Fridays, most of the crew ended up in a bar together. Saturdays were often spent doing their own thing, cruising Vancouver in separate groups to check out clubs or maybe hanging around in someone's hotel room with a few beers, but Friday was the night that for some reason became designated as their night to hang out as one big group. The bars they alternated between were more than happy for their custom as long as they didn't start any trouble - which most of them weren't any good at anyway - and they unspeakingly chose ones that weren't likely to be hit up by college kids who'd soon start drooling over the leads and making it uncomfortable for them to relax.
One particular Friday, they were celebrating the end of what had been a particularly difficult episode to film, although they all knew it would look great when it was done. The tradition had set in that they would always choose something to celebrate, as if that gave them licence to drink more - the previous week, for example, they had been celebrating one of the sound guys' achievement in finally getting to sleep with the girl he'd been cruising the entire time they'd been up there - and even though it was ridiculous, they still found it fun. Jensen honestly thought, however, that this week was definitely something to be celebrating. For him the most trying moment had been when he was pulled underwater by a couple of divers with the ten year old in his arms. He then had to come up again, as though he'd just dragged the kid out, while the child played dead. Even though he knew for certain that Nico had not drowned in the few seconds they'd been under, it was still pretty unnerving to have to see him act as though he had and to play along with it.
But the episode was over and so it was time for some serious drinking, or so Jensen proclaimed. No one disagreed, although that was probably due to the fact that they liked to drink rather than the same reasons as Jensen.
He and Jared were both well over the edge of tipsy by the time they got challenged to a game of doubles pool by Eric and Kim. "C'mon, we wanna see if the sharks on screen size up off screen," was Kim's easy method of persuasion. He'd evidently learned early on that an easy way to get drunk Jensen to agree to do something was to insinuate that Dean could do it better.
"Sure, you're on," Jensen grinned, throwing back another shot of golden liquid before dragging Jared off the barstool next to him towards the table. Eric, thankfully, had calmed down some since the beginning, and was no longer a danger to anyone's sanity to be around. He'd also stopped gushing about how well Jared and Jensen worked together - unless he was being interviewed, in which case the excitement came back in full force as though he hoped to inject possible viewers with his own enthusiasm - and since they'd been working for a while, everyone had stopped commenting when they mentioned anything from their past history as they assumed it must be something that had happened recently.
Twenty minutes later, Jensen was practically hiding his head in shame, the alcohol making the situation seem much worse than it really was. For Kim, however, who was at much the same level of inebriation, the victory seemed much better than it really was, so his crowing wasn't helping Jensen's pride.
"I am gonna play pool every goddamn day for the rest of my life until I can beat him one-handed," Jensen declared darkly to Jared, who was sat opposite him in the booth.
Jared laughed, his open-mouthed happy laugh that made his friend smile even despite the trauma he was enduring. "Sure y'are, Jen."
"What? You don't think I could beat him?" Jensen seemed almost affronted.
"You can't," Jared pointed out, gesturing towards the pool table and almost smacking one of their props guys in the stomach. While he was busy apologising and the props guy was busy telling him it was all right, which took five times longer than usual because they were both drunk, Jensen scowled.
By the time he got Jared's attention back, he'd formulated a plan. Or rather, he'd planned to formulate a plan. "If I can't beat him at pool, I can beat him at somethin' else," he declared, nodding his head for emphasis.
"Darts?" Jared suggested.
"Nah," Jensen shook his head. "Too easy. There's not enough...humiliation in darts."
Jared frowned, thinking. "But what else can you do?"
Suddenly, a smile spread itself across Jensen's face, bright and unexpected. Jared smiled along, for no reason other than it was good to see Jensen happy, although he wouldn't ever admit it. "Exactly. What can we do, better than anyone?"
"Sex?" Jared replied immediately.
"Yeah," Jensen grinned, and then [thankfully, he told himself later when he recalled the conversation sober] pulled his thoughts back on track. "No, aside from that."
The other man stared at him, cluelessly.
"Pranks!" Jensen declared, amazed when Jared didn't get it, and then looked furtively around as though to check Kim and Eric hadn't heard him. No one was anywhere near them. Jared looked around too, several seconds behind Jensen and not sure what he was looking for but he was used to following Jensen without question when he was drunk. He had the same compulsion sober, only he was able to exercise a little more restraint then.
"We can drive them nuts," Jensen said ominously, lowering his voice enough that Jared had to lean in to hear him. They locked eyes across the table. "On set. All day long. Chairs breaking, coffee with salt, props mysteriously disappearing and being replaced by bananas-"
He had to stop then, was forced to by the sudden explosion of Jared's laughter as he recalled that particular prank being played on the set of The Gilmore Girls. Every single prop that was going to be used that day in the stage directions had been replaced by a banana. They'd then turned up one by one as people were looking for them, in bizarre places such as duct taped underneath a camera, and it had driven everyone up the wall. Jared and Chad had thoroughly enjoyed that day. Everyone else had gone insane.
Jensen smiled as he waited for Jared to calm down enough to listen. "You see what I mean?" he asked. "We are the masters. We can wreak havoc. Kim will pay."
"What'd Kim do?" Jared wondered, and Jensen sighed, preparing himself to have to remind his friend of the last half an hour.
They caught a cab back to their hotel together around four am, and while Jared hugged Kim goodbye as he did everyone that he'd met more than once, Kim laughed again at the mutinous look on Jensen's face. Back at the hotel, they laughed like idiots as they recounted some of their more interesting plans from the evening, and Jensen just remembered to push the button for his floor too before the elevator sailed past it and on to Jared's.
"Tonight's been fun, man," he declared as he walked carefully through the doorway, then looked back at Jared still inside, propped against the wall. "Just like old times, huh?"
"Yeah," Jared replied, grinning, and added a, "G'night," and a wave as the doors slid shut.
Jared woke up the next afternoon with his head feeling surprisingly normal, and was quite happy to smile and thank God for small miracles until he realised that the events of the previous night were now clear memories to him rather than muddy and distant. And aside from remembering an awful lot of stupid things he'd said and done while drunk, he also remembered quite clearly the emotion coursing through him as those doors had shut on Jensen last night.
He groaned out loud. He was falling in love with Jensen again. Just like old times, indeed.
He didn't want to be in love with Jensen again. Being friends was fine - great, even, considering their job - and he could even deal with thinking he was hot because, well, he was pretty sure everybody had at least a little bit of a crush on Jensen, no matter their sexuality. But falling in love was just dangerous. It would get them back exactly where they were before, in that relationship that wasn't going to go anywhere.
He could admit easily enough that Jensen hadn't been entirely to blame for its demise. He knew there had been times when he'd pressed too hard; had wanted what Jensen just wasn't ready to give, and had assumed that Jensen wanted things just because he did. But he was older and wiser now, and he could admit those mistakes. Jensen, it seemed, was exactly the same person. Still lying when he decided something would be hard to deal with, still ignoring things as though if he couldn't see them, they weren't there, like a baby playing peekaboo. And Jared just couldn't be in a relationship with someone like that, because all it did was cause fights.
Jared concentrated hard on every single memory he had where Jensen had pissed him off, as though this would make him fall out of love. But somehow, all the good ones kept slipping through and it didn't work in the slightest. He was pissed off, but not at all surprised.
Jared is frustrated with himself. Despite having limited acting experience, he's always been better than he rightfully should have been, picking up on tips easily and storing them away for future usage so that he never screws up the same way twice. And he's definitely never been one of those shy kids, the ones that blush all over when they have to kiss someone in front of anyone else despite the fact that they've probably done it hundreds of times before at parties and stuff.
Jared has absolutely no problem with being asked to kiss Alexis - cameras or no cameras - so why he'd been so bad at it, he couldn't understand. And because he couldn't understand, he was getting more and more annoyed with himself. Truth be told, it wasn't that he was bad - or so Alexis said, although he couldn't be sure she wasn't just trying to save his feelings. But every time they'd gotten into it, the proper kiss that the script warranted, Jared had pulled back, frowning and saying it didn't feel right. When pressed, he couldn't explain it, but it was a deep feeling in his gut, just like something was saying this was wrong.
Eventually the director had become frustrated and just yelled, "For God's sake, kid, imagine she's got a dick then if it'll make you happy!" and although it was a cheap shot - which most of the crew angrily told him so, because they were fine with Jared being gay - it seemed to work. On the next take he imagained her being Jensen, and blotted out the smooth curves and long hair in favour of hard abs and soft, spiky strands, and sure enough that take they got through and they were able to move on.
But that was a ridiculous solution to a problem, and he was still pissed off that he didn't even know what the problem itself was. He'd blown Jensen off when he'd come home, saying that he had to look at some lines or something and ignoring Jensen's slightly surprised look, since they'd agreed to play PS2 and then [although this part was unspoken] make out a lot, possibly with some handjobs or blowjobs involved. So now he was alone in his own apartment, and that made him even more annoyed.
Suddenly, it hit him. He was miserable that Jensen wasn't there, even though he was the one who'd blown him off. And Jensen had, apparently, been the solution to his problem earlier. He never, ever got that feeling, that low thrum of wrong when he was kissing Jensen, and maybe it was because...kissing Jensen was always right.
"I love Jensen," Jared states out loud, without thinking, and then smiles. "I'm in love with Jensen." The words feel good on his tongue; they exit easily as though they were always meant to be said. Jared is grinning like an idiot but he doesn't care, because a) he's solved his problem and b) he's in love, dammit, and people in love are allowed to act like fools.
It was nothing to do with him, or Alexis. It was just that kissing her felt wrong, like he was cheating on Jensen and his body wouldn't allow him to do it. Guilt manifested into that dull pain in his stomach. It could never be as right as it was with Jensen.
Spurred on by the dizzy feeling he's gotten from his realisation, he hurries out of his apartment, forgetting to even close the door behind him, and strides down the hall to Jensen's, knocking confidently on the door. Jensen looks surprised to see him - not necessarily because it's him, even though he wasn't expecting it, but because the giddy look on his face is so at odds with the way he'd looked earlier when he'd brushed Jensen off. The older man raises his eyebrows, but before he can get a word out Jared's speaking.
"I'm in love with you," he states happily, as though he's saying, "I just won the lottery," or, "Sadie just had puppies."
Jensen's reaction isn't quite what he would have been hoping for, had he even stopped to think about it.
"Are you sure?" Jensen asks cautiously.
Jared blinks, thrown a little. "Uh. Yeah. I just realised, but...yeah." He tries to smile again but when Jensen isn't smiling too, he finds it hard.
There's a pause before Jensen realises it's probably his turn to speak. "Um...that's great, Jared, but..." He has to stop when Jared starts to look like a kicked puppy, and he knows he's not even doing it on purpose, just that that's his default sad face. Jensen kicks himself for having put that there, as well as for being so susceptible to it.
"No, man, I don't-" he reaches out, and Jared lets himself be pulled into the tight circle of Jensen's arms, hugs him back even though he's confused and hurt, but he has to because Jensen's arms is where he feels safe, "It's not that I don't want you to. Okay? It's not that. It's nothin' bad. I just...you have to be sure you're sure, Jared. I don't want you to rush into anything with me, thinkin' you're feelin' things you're not. All right? You're so young, an' I know what it's like-"
"I'm young, but I'm not stupid," Jared pulls back, frowning a little, although he can't quite bring himself to pull back entirely and walk away like he feels he should. "I know what I feel, Jen, it's not about, like, wanting to have some adult thing or whatever you're thinking. I love you. I'm sorry if you can't...accept that or whatever..."
He trails off when Jensen tugs him back. "Jesus, Jared," the older man breathes. "No, I accept it, okay? I don't want you to- it's great. I'm just worried about you is all. I care about you a lot and I don't want you to get hurt."
"Okay," Jared mumbles back, into his shoulder. It's not really, it's not okay but he can pretend it is as long as Jensen will keep holding him like this and if he isn't pushing him away or freaking out and telling him that everything was a mistake, well, Jared can deal. He hates being treated like a kid, like he doesn't know what he even feels, but he's not going to have a hissy fit over it and prove to Jensen that he really is just a child, so instead he leans in close to Jensen's body and breathes him in deep.
Yeah, if he gets to have this then he can deal with anything.
Continue
Pic//Blink-sum-new-muse