Atonement
Title: Atonement
Fandom: New Hawaii Five-0
Pairing: Danny Williams/Steve McGarrett
Rating: R
Summary: Steve knows exactly what he's worth
Disclaimer: Don't own them, no harm intended, no profit made etc.
Warnings: AU, prostitution, dub con
Author's note: Dark hooker!fic, Fair trade 'verse. Follows on from Celebration. Steve's POV.
Atonement
Steve's been in worse situations. Sure, the tiles underneath him are hard, and the cuffs are biting into his wrists because there's no way he can get a comfortable angle and still sit on the floor, but the bathroom's warm, and no one’s about to shoot him or carve him up or interrogate him using questionable means. He can't reach to wipe the come off his stomach, and his ass is still sticky with lube, but he got to have a shower before the cop fucked him and he can still feel the pleasure of the hot water running over his skin, and appreciate being mostly clean. It's enough.
He doesn't expect much from life these days.
He understands why he's cuffed to the rail, he wouldn't sleep with himself around. The cop's no fool, doesn't trust him, can see how damaged he is, and that's fine by Steve. He doesn't trust himself, either, knows what's lurking underneath the surface, knows what could happen if he ever lets go. Knows, on one level, how fucked up he is, how fucked up his life is. Knows on another level that it's nothing more than he deserves, retribution for what he did, for what he let happen.
He can still see them, every single fucking one of them, every time he closes his eyes.
He doesn't even wonder what the cop will want from him next. He saw the look in his eyes, he'll probably keep him down here, fuck his mouth, he seems to get off on that. That's fine by Steve, it's better than getting fucked in the ass again. He's sore down there - the guy before this was big and none too careful, but that's a hazard of the job and Steve knows he can't expect any different - and what the cop did earlier hasn't helped any, despite the fact that Steve made sure he was generous with the lube. Plus, if he blows the guy then he won't get hard himself, won't have to think about what that means. He just wishes that the cop hadn't forced him to get himself off, the thought of it makes him feel sick, which surprises and scares him. He's worked so hard for so long not to feel anything, thought he'd killed shame along with everything else. But apparently not.
When he's done the cop will probably give him some money again, and that will be good, although he doesn't understand why he does it. It's not necessary, not part of their deal. Steve will take what he can get, though. He needs money to live, can't get it any other way, that's why he does this, except of course it's not, he's not fit to be around decent people. Every time he bends over or goes to his knees for another john he hates it, has to force himself to shut down, but he still does it because what choice has he? It's all he's fit for now, all he's worth, all he deserves, and maybe if he keeps doing it long enough he'll learn how to shut down the other stuff, too. How to forget.
He doesn't even think about ending it all, that would be too easy. He doesn't deserve that. Plus the fact, they might be waiting for him, and he's too much of a coward to face them. The dreams are bad enough. Especially the ones that happen while he’s still awake.
The cop's a hard bastard, he knows that, he has no illusions about what's going on here. Has no illusions about what will happen to him if he doesn't do exactly what he's told, if the cop doesn't get exactly what he wants. But that's OK. The cop may not know what Steve did, but he knows what he is. Knows exactly what he's worth and what he's capable of. What he deserves. How far he can be trusted.
Being around him makes Steve feel safe. And that makes him hate himself all the more.
Next: Revelation
Fandom: New Hawaii Five-0
Pairing: Danny Williams/Steve McGarrett
Rating: R
Summary: Steve knows exactly what he's worth
Disclaimer: Don't own them, no harm intended, no profit made etc.
Warnings: AU, prostitution, dub con
Author's note: Dark hooker!fic, Fair trade 'verse. Follows on from Celebration. Steve's POV.
Atonement
Steve's been in worse situations. Sure, the tiles underneath him are hard, and the cuffs are biting into his wrists because there's no way he can get a comfortable angle and still sit on the floor, but the bathroom's warm, and no one’s about to shoot him or carve him up or interrogate him using questionable means. He can't reach to wipe the come off his stomach, and his ass is still sticky with lube, but he got to have a shower before the cop fucked him and he can still feel the pleasure of the hot water running over his skin, and appreciate being mostly clean. It's enough.
He doesn't expect much from life these days.
He understands why he's cuffed to the rail, he wouldn't sleep with himself around. The cop's no fool, doesn't trust him, can see how damaged he is, and that's fine by Steve. He doesn't trust himself, either, knows what's lurking underneath the surface, knows what could happen if he ever lets go. Knows, on one level, how fucked up he is, how fucked up his life is. Knows on another level that it's nothing more than he deserves, retribution for what he did, for what he let happen.
He can still see them, every single fucking one of them, every time he closes his eyes.
He doesn't even wonder what the cop will want from him next. He saw the look in his eyes, he'll probably keep him down here, fuck his mouth, he seems to get off on that. That's fine by Steve, it's better than getting fucked in the ass again. He's sore down there - the guy before this was big and none too careful, but that's a hazard of the job and Steve knows he can't expect any different - and what the cop did earlier hasn't helped any, despite the fact that Steve made sure he was generous with the lube. Plus, if he blows the guy then he won't get hard himself, won't have to think about what that means. He just wishes that the cop hadn't forced him to get himself off, the thought of it makes him feel sick, which surprises and scares him. He's worked so hard for so long not to feel anything, thought he'd killed shame along with everything else. But apparently not.
When he's done the cop will probably give him some money again, and that will be good, although he doesn't understand why he does it. It's not necessary, not part of their deal. Steve will take what he can get, though. He needs money to live, can't get it any other way, that's why he does this, except of course it's not, he's not fit to be around decent people. Every time he bends over or goes to his knees for another john he hates it, has to force himself to shut down, but he still does it because what choice has he? It's all he's fit for now, all he's worth, all he deserves, and maybe if he keeps doing it long enough he'll learn how to shut down the other stuff, too. How to forget.
He doesn't even think about ending it all, that would be too easy. He doesn't deserve that. Plus the fact, they might be waiting for him, and he's too much of a coward to face them. The dreams are bad enough. Especially the ones that happen while he’s still awake.
The cop's a hard bastard, he knows that, he has no illusions about what's going on here. Has no illusions about what will happen to him if he doesn't do exactly what he's told, if the cop doesn't get exactly what he wants. But that's OK. The cop may not know what Steve did, but he knows what he is. Knows exactly what he's worth and what he's capable of. What he deserves. How far he can be trusted.
Being around him makes Steve feel safe. And that makes him hate himself all the more.
Next: Revelation