[Video: Unlocked]
[The screen shows a matte black jet, with (he thinks) rather dashing purple highlights, sitting behind a desk, scarcely able to restrain a chortle. He clears his vocalizer, looks down. The grin fades.]
Slaggit, Velma! How many times do we have to go through this?
[He picks up one shiny chrome desk-type inbox tray from his left side, switching it with the one on his right.]
Bribery and graft, to the RIGHT, Velma. MY right. Aaaaaand….?
[Off-camera mumble]
Yes. That’s right. Haters to the left.
[Another mumble.]
It’s like a universal law! That’s how you should know!
[Angry mumble.]
It’s not MY fault. And stop…staring at my thrusters. Kinda creeping me out. Seriously.
[He turns back to the vid feed, recomposing himself, leaning back, steepling his purple-tipped talons in the approved Montgomery Burns 'Ex-cellent' fashion.]
Yes. Where was I? Ah. Hello there, Nexus. I’m here to introduce myself. My name is Skywarp (allow pause for awed reac-dammit. Slaggin’ stage directions!) And I’ve been appointed as your new consumer advocate. To wit: I have the dubious privilege of inspecting and evaluating any establishment that offers services to Nexus inhabitants.
Now, because I hate you all (save for you, my delicious slice of buttery cinnamon toast) you may be assured of my complete and utter impartiality. Which is doubtless why they chose me for this VITAL function.
[Holds up item.]
As you can see, they have entrusted me with this potent symbol of authority: A CLIPBOARD. Look! I’ve even attached little magnets to the back, so, like, check this out: [plonks clipboard against chassis armor: look ma! No hands! MARVEL at his SCIENCE!]
If you see me with this clipboard, Nexus inhabitants, trembling in fear is entirely appropriate. Proprietors of establishments will give me a full tour of their…uhhh, establishments and answer any questions I may have, or face the wrath of my fearsome reviewing skills.
Now. I understand that many of you lack my extensive background in theoretical and imaginary math. So to give you an example:
Here is my office, when I am here:
And this is how this office rates, when it’s just… Velma.
Any questions? Simple enough, yes?
[Leans in closer.] You may commence at this time ruing the day you all ignored Skywarp. Oh, and Starscream? [cue ominousness] I know you’re here. I know you’re watching. And all I have to say is, you might want to bring one of those little take-out food containers, because there is no way you’re going to be able to finish all that ruing in one sitting.