(no subject)
Title: Shoulda Tipped Him More
Author: average_adam
Ratin’: R/NC-17
Summary: Crowley teaches Aziraphale about homosexuality
Author’s Note: My Creative Writin’ teacher says to write what you know, but she rejected my stories about Atlantis, Tibet, witches, and outer space. Guess I’ll try this.
Warnin's: Sorta graphic sex and some fluff
In the first thousand years, they were deadly enemies, killin’ each other at every opportunity.
In the second thousand years, they were great enemies but their fightin’ got less physical and more verbal and they generally survived their encounters.
In the third thousand years, they were enemies, wilin’ and thwartin’ in turn, workin’ against each other in many arenas.
In the fourth thousand years, they were nominal enemies, and difficulties and annoyances were often smoothed over with alcohol.
In the fifth thousand years, they were acquaintances, often runnin’ into one another in the course of their jobs and findin’ that they had a lot in common.
In the sixth thousand years, they were friends, with a practical understandin’ that they’d both wile and thwart as necessary.
In the seventh thousand years, they were lovers.
***
It was a perfectly normal day. The demon Crowley had been drivin’ around in his old car pretendin’ to be evil but really just bein’ annoyin’. The angel Aziraphale left his old bookshop to go to the market and lots of people were made a little happier by laughin’ at him. So, as usual, the net result was nothin’, but they were proud of themselves and made plans to go for dinner to an expensive restaurant. They drank a lot at the restaurant and drank a lot more when they went back to the shop afterwards. All in all, there was nothin’ that indicated that anythin’ unusual was about to happen.
“Do you remember…?”
“Yesss.”
“But I haven’t said anything yet, my dear.”
“I ‘member everythin’.”
“Oh.”
A moment of silence.
“Then you remember our waiter at the Dal Pescatore Relais about four hundred years ago?”
Crowley grinned. “Oh, I ‘member him all right. Kept rubbin’ your back as he walked by, talkin’ about how much he liked your doublet.”
Aziraphale blushed. “You know, I think that maybe he rather fancied me…”
Roarin’ with laughter, the demon finally said, “You think? Took ya a while to figure it out.”
The angel couldn’t meet his yellow eyes for a moment. “But he was a boy,” he finally said.
Crowley thought about that for a minute. “Ssso it confused you because he was young or because he was male?””
“Uhm, both, I think.”
This set off more laughin’.
“You don’t really believe that ssstuff about homosexuality bein’ wrong, do you?”
“Well, yes. I think so.”
“Did you hear that from Heaven?”
“Not exactly. More from church leaders.”
“Well, what do they know? Your Boss hasn’t sssaid anythin’ and you know He usually letsss you know in no uncertain terms what’sss allowed or not.”
“And you’re sure it’s not your side, dear?”
Crowley grinned again. “Love and ssstuff? I’m positive.”
Aziraphale frowned. “But I still don’t understand how it could be right. I mean, I’m pretty sure humans weren’t designed that way. How would it even work?”
***
About half an hour later, both of them were naked on Aziraphale’s mostly unused bed. The angel was lyin’ flat on his back with Crowley perched over him and they were snoggin’.
“So this is homosexuality?” asked Aziraphale between kisses. “I can’t see why anyone would see this as bad. It’s pretty nice, actually.”
“Oh, this isn’t the part that anyone objects to, really,” replied Crowley.
“What part is that, then?”
In response, Crowley crawled down Aziraphale’s body, settlin’ between his knees, and in one quick movement, he took him into his mouth as one finger pressed against his entrance.
“What on earth are you doing? That’s certainly not what that’s for.”
“Shows what you know,” said Crowley indistinctly and rather impolitely ‘cause his mouth was full and he carefully moved his finger inside as he sucked harder.
“Oh, I… oh!” said Aziraphale, pretty incoherently. He was resistin’ the intrusion but after a few moments relaxed a bit and Crowley moved even further in.
“But Crowley, dear, this ca… hah… n’t be right! You can’t procreate this way and if it were intended for recreation, it would be a lot more… comfortable, I expect.”
“Would you shut up already, angel? I just haven’t gotten to the good part yet.”
“What’s the…” but before he could ask, Crowley, knowin’ that the question was comin’, found what he was lookin’ for and started massagin’ it with the very tip of his finger. Aziraphale’s wings popped out and he nearly fell off the bed in surprise. Crowley just smiled.
“Good, isn’t it? Now tell me why that’s there if He didn’t want people to find it? It’s only in men, you know.”
The angel goggled at him speechlessly and wiggled self-consciously. Crowley removed his finger, then, ignorin’ the sad little whimperin’ noises that Aziraphale was makin’, he put somethin’ rather larger there instead.
***
The first thing that neither of them knew was that God and Lucifer and me were all watchin’ them. God and Lucifer thought it was pretty funny, really, and kept laughin’ the whole time. I just thought it was awful sweet, them waitin’ so long and everythin’. But everyone deserves to be happy, even an angel and a demon.
The second thing they never knew was that when Crowley came that night inside of Aziraphale, a car outside ran over a dog, the phone service to all of Soho mysteriously went out for hours, and the owner of the sex shop next door decided that he really ought to be open twenty-four hours a day. When Aziraphale came a couple of minutes later, a little church down the road found a thousand pounds in the box, the dog that got run over stood up and ran away miraculously unhurt, and a prostitute on the next block over decided to go straight and get a real job.
***
Crowley held Aziraphale close afterwards. “You all right, angel? I didn’t hurt you?”
“No, nothing I can’t fix,” he replied, yawnin’. “It really was rather wonderful, my dear. I had no idea that homosexuality was so exciting.”
Crowley laughed and snuggled him closer, though he’d never admit in a million years that that’s what he was doin’. He wanted to say that it was a lot more excitin’ when it was done with someone you cared about, but he couldn’t, so he just nuzzled the angel’s hair that was damp from exertion and stuck in little curls to his brow.
Aziraphale wanted to ask him what he’d meant earlier by that phrase ‘love and stuff’ and why he thought that related to homosexuality, but he couldn’t, so he just put little kisses all over the demon’s neck and shoulder and jaw and ear, wherever he could reach without movin’ much.
They fell asleep like that, wrapped in each other’s arms.
***
The third thing that Crowley and Aziraphale didn’t know was that just before they fell asleep, they were thinkin’ the same exact thing. How much they loved the other one and how they were never gonna be able to tell him.
God shook His head at that and left with a small smile, expectin’ that they’d figure it out. Lucifer smirked before He left, expectin’ that it’d all break down and end in misery. As for me? I think they already know...
Author: average_adam
Ratin’: R/NC-17
Summary: Crowley teaches Aziraphale about homosexuality
Author’s Note: My Creative Writin’ teacher says to write what you know, but she rejected my stories about Atlantis, Tibet, witches, and outer space. Guess I’ll try this.
Warnin's: Sorta graphic sex and some fluff
In the first thousand years, they were deadly enemies, killin’ each other at every opportunity.
In the second thousand years, they were great enemies but their fightin’ got less physical and more verbal and they generally survived their encounters.
In the third thousand years, they were enemies, wilin’ and thwartin’ in turn, workin’ against each other in many arenas.
In the fourth thousand years, they were nominal enemies, and difficulties and annoyances were often smoothed over with alcohol.
In the fifth thousand years, they were acquaintances, often runnin’ into one another in the course of their jobs and findin’ that they had a lot in common.
In the sixth thousand years, they were friends, with a practical understandin’ that they’d both wile and thwart as necessary.
In the seventh thousand years, they were lovers.
***
It was a perfectly normal day. The demon Crowley had been drivin’ around in his old car pretendin’ to be evil but really just bein’ annoyin’. The angel Aziraphale left his old bookshop to go to the market and lots of people were made a little happier by laughin’ at him. So, as usual, the net result was nothin’, but they were proud of themselves and made plans to go for dinner to an expensive restaurant. They drank a lot at the restaurant and drank a lot more when they went back to the shop afterwards. All in all, there was nothin’ that indicated that anythin’ unusual was about to happen.
“Do you remember…?”
“Yesss.”
“But I haven’t said anything yet, my dear.”
“I ‘member everythin’.”
“Oh.”
A moment of silence.
“Then you remember our waiter at the Dal Pescatore Relais about four hundred years ago?”
Crowley grinned. “Oh, I ‘member him all right. Kept rubbin’ your back as he walked by, talkin’ about how much he liked your doublet.”
Aziraphale blushed. “You know, I think that maybe he rather fancied me…”
Roarin’ with laughter, the demon finally said, “You think? Took ya a while to figure it out.”
The angel couldn’t meet his yellow eyes for a moment. “But he was a boy,” he finally said.
Crowley thought about that for a minute. “Ssso it confused you because he was young or because he was male?””
“Uhm, both, I think.”
This set off more laughin’.
“You don’t really believe that ssstuff about homosexuality bein’ wrong, do you?”
“Well, yes. I think so.”
“Did you hear that from Heaven?”
“Not exactly. More from church leaders.”
“Well, what do they know? Your Boss hasn’t sssaid anythin’ and you know He usually letsss you know in no uncertain terms what’sss allowed or not.”
“And you’re sure it’s not your side, dear?”
Crowley grinned again. “Love and ssstuff? I’m positive.”
Aziraphale frowned. “But I still don’t understand how it could be right. I mean, I’m pretty sure humans weren’t designed that way. How would it even work?”
***
About half an hour later, both of them were naked on Aziraphale’s mostly unused bed. The angel was lyin’ flat on his back with Crowley perched over him and they were snoggin’.
“So this is homosexuality?” asked Aziraphale between kisses. “I can’t see why anyone would see this as bad. It’s pretty nice, actually.”
“Oh, this isn’t the part that anyone objects to, really,” replied Crowley.
“What part is that, then?”
In response, Crowley crawled down Aziraphale’s body, settlin’ between his knees, and in one quick movement, he took him into his mouth as one finger pressed against his entrance.
“What on earth are you doing? That’s certainly not what that’s for.”
“Shows what you know,” said Crowley indistinctly and rather impolitely ‘cause his mouth was full and he carefully moved his finger inside as he sucked harder.
“Oh, I… oh!” said Aziraphale, pretty incoherently. He was resistin’ the intrusion but after a few moments relaxed a bit and Crowley moved even further in.
“But Crowley, dear, this ca… hah… n’t be right! You can’t procreate this way and if it were intended for recreation, it would be a lot more… comfortable, I expect.”
“Would you shut up already, angel? I just haven’t gotten to the good part yet.”
“What’s the…” but before he could ask, Crowley, knowin’ that the question was comin’, found what he was lookin’ for and started massagin’ it with the very tip of his finger. Aziraphale’s wings popped out and he nearly fell off the bed in surprise. Crowley just smiled.
“Good, isn’t it? Now tell me why that’s there if He didn’t want people to find it? It’s only in men, you know.”
The angel goggled at him speechlessly and wiggled self-consciously. Crowley removed his finger, then, ignorin’ the sad little whimperin’ noises that Aziraphale was makin’, he put somethin’ rather larger there instead.
***
The first thing that neither of them knew was that God and Lucifer and me were all watchin’ them. God and Lucifer thought it was pretty funny, really, and kept laughin’ the whole time. I just thought it was awful sweet, them waitin’ so long and everythin’. But everyone deserves to be happy, even an angel and a demon.
The second thing they never knew was that when Crowley came that night inside of Aziraphale, a car outside ran over a dog, the phone service to all of Soho mysteriously went out for hours, and the owner of the sex shop next door decided that he really ought to be open twenty-four hours a day. When Aziraphale came a couple of minutes later, a little church down the road found a thousand pounds in the box, the dog that got run over stood up and ran away miraculously unhurt, and a prostitute on the next block over decided to go straight and get a real job.
***
Crowley held Aziraphale close afterwards. “You all right, angel? I didn’t hurt you?”
“No, nothing I can’t fix,” he replied, yawnin’. “It really was rather wonderful, my dear. I had no idea that homosexuality was so exciting.”
Crowley laughed and snuggled him closer, though he’d never admit in a million years that that’s what he was doin’. He wanted to say that it was a lot more excitin’ when it was done with someone you cared about, but he couldn’t, so he just nuzzled the angel’s hair that was damp from exertion and stuck in little curls to his brow.
Aziraphale wanted to ask him what he’d meant earlier by that phrase ‘love and stuff’ and why he thought that related to homosexuality, but he couldn’t, so he just put little kisses all over the demon’s neck and shoulder and jaw and ear, wherever he could reach without movin’ much.
They fell asleep like that, wrapped in each other’s arms.
***
The third thing that Crowley and Aziraphale didn’t know was that just before they fell asleep, they were thinkin’ the same exact thing. How much they loved the other one and how they were never gonna be able to tell him.
God shook His head at that and left with a small smile, expectin’ that they’d figure it out. Lucifer smirked before He left, expectin’ that it’d all break down and end in misery. As for me? I think they already know...