just_1_word | 39.3. Issues
39.3. Issues
Co-written with middleowens
[Follows THIS and THIS]
After his shower, Mark had just pulled on track pants and a t-shirt. Truth was, he couldn't be bothered with much else. He didn't think she was the type to really be overly bothered whether he was in a suit or not, and if she was, well, it was better to find out now, right? He knew he still needed to catch up on some sleep, but at least he wasn't at work trying to get his brain to work when it really wasn't operating to full capacity. Not much had been said between them since she arrived, and he immediately offered her a coffee, which she accepted. It gave him a few minutes breather to regain his composure now she was here (because he hadn't been 100% sure she would come, despite the text messages), and it gave her a few minutes in his living room to take in a few more details of his life that he had managed to unpack. All his photos were now out on the walls or on his mantel, mostly of his family but there were friends mixed amongst the bunch. James, Isabel, and Ali were promiment... just like they had been in his life before everything fell apart.
He brought their coffee through; proper Lattes made from his espresso machine. He was never much of a fan of instant, and that probably made him a rich snob, but everyone had to have vices. He handed her one of the mugs with a smile and then took the seat on the sofa beside her, settling back and taking a sip of his own. "You didn't have to come, you know. I was worried after the text messages that I maybe guilted you into it. That was never my intention. I was just... trying to be honest."
Fiona didn't need him a suit. In fact, she was learning quickly just how hot he looked in anything. She was dressed in something not that much more formal, a white t-shirt with her jeans, and a light cardigan. She'd been tempted to keep her pajama bottoms on, but was worried he wasn't a Snoopy guy. She looked at him, holding her coffee. She wasn't going to take a sip just yet, savouring the smell of proper coffee. She only had instant in her rebound apartment. "You weren't guilting me. I thought maybe you'd change your mind because I made it seem like you had to offer. I wanted to see you. I can't lie about that. I'm sorry if... I can go. If you want."
Her gaze went back to the photographs, looking at the ones featuring Izzy in particular. It was strange to meet someone that knew her, and not really know him. Well, not know him as James' brother. Although she was slowly starting to. It wasn't like Mark was any different, she could just put him into context. See him as the brother of her sister's... complication. James was a weakness, and she knew it. She wondered if Mark was going to be the same for her.
Mark nursed the mug in his hands, enjoying the warmth of it against his palms. He shook his head. "Why would I want you to go if I told you I wanted you to come?" he reasoned, and watched her take in some of the images. "It's nice to have someone to talk to, especially after some of the things James has laid on me over the last few days. Then does the irritating hemorrhoid thing he's so good at by snooping in my box of work I brought home and finding your file. I had to remind myself why I told him to come stay here."
Fiona turned her attention back to Mark, and smirked. "Iz does the same thing. She's always snooping in my stuff. I haven't seen her in a little while, so she didn't have much chance to find your name on anything. I'm glad you said you wanted me to come. I like having someone to talk to as well. Reminds me what it's like to just enjoy being with someone. And I don't really mean romantically. Even if you're, um... incredibly good in bed. Are you alright with having James here?"
Mark scratched his fingers through his hair. "I figured you maybe hadn't spoken to her in the last few days," he murmured and exhaled softly. He gave her a small smirk and then nodded. "Yeah, I'm okay with it. Really okay, actually. As fucked up as it sounds, I know he's alive if he's here. I know he's okay because I can see it with my own eyes. Well, he's mostly okay. I love Iz, don't get me wrong, but I just... he should be with his kid. Same as I think the father of Izzy's kids should be with them."
"It's not fucked up, it makes sense. I'm so sorry you ever had to go through what you did. I only knew about the fallout that affected Iz, but it must have been huge for you. Made you both leave the country." Fiona gestured at him with her coffee cup before taking a sip. "That is exactly where we agree. I love James, but he's her kryptonite, and he always will be. She goes ga-ga around him, and can't always see the forest for the trees. And I think you're right about the father thing. Having said that... they shouldn't wind up in marriages like mine. Whether it's for the kids, or not."
Mark looked into his coffee. "My baby brother was murdered," he said quietly. "It was the worst day of my life that I found out. Everyone probably expected me and my family to shout happily from the rooftops when we got the call that he had shown up in hospital in a coma, but it's not as easy as that. We couldn't process it. Losing James caused my Mum to even have a heart attack. It's just not as easy as turning the emotions on and off. We didn't even know what to expect to find coming to New York to see him. We thought it was all some sick fucking joke. When they originally told us he had been killed, everything here just reminded us of him. We couldn't deal with it. Turns me back into a vicious circle, why I wasn't here when Ali gave birth, why I couldn't even look at the photo of the baby because she looked like James, had James' name."
He cleared his throat and looked at her wryly. "Marriage and simply being present are two very different things. But with the discontent they've created with their exes, who is to say the environment is even going to be healthy for the kids? It's why I've just steered clear and not tried to create waves for Ali. She's happy... was... still hurts, though. I only just heard ninety percent of the story from James the other day. I didn't even know she was engaged to the paramedic."
Fi reached out to touch his leg, one hand now holding her coffee. She hesitated as she tried to work out if her hand should stay there, or not, finally letting it settle. It was just a gesture of comfort, not a come on. Surely that was okay? "I'm so sorry. I really am. I can't even... if I think about Izzy being the one to die... It was bad enough when she got shot a few years ago. The idea of her never coming home has always been hard to swallow. I'm sorry it also meant you couldn't cope with Jamie, but there's no shame in that. Grief isn't predictable. It takes all forms."
Fiona's eyebrows went up. "You didn't know? Well, I guess..." she trailed off, and bit her lip. "I guess I don't know what to think. I'm not about to make assumptions on Ali's part. She must have had reasons for keeping it from you. Maybe they're reasons that can be fixed still? Then again, it means that James and Izzy also made an active effort to keep it from you, and I don't know what to think about that."
Mark shook his head. "No, I didn't know. And I didn't know because Ali wanted my balls. She nearly claimed them when I tried to see her after getting back. Fuck, she deserves to have them bronzed on her mantel, she really does. Of course, at least she left her gun out of sight. James wasn't so lucky. The way I hear it, she had it against his head when he first got back and then she knocked him out." He laughed, but he caught in his throat with a small unexpected sob. He had to put his coffee down and hold his hand up. "Fuck, I'm sorry. It's not because I still want her or anything, even if she'll always have a place in my heart. It's just... you don't know, and I'm not sure I should be the one to tell you. I only found out in a string of Ali's not only getting married, but she's pregnant with the guy's kid. Oh, and while we're on the subject, her baby died. Jim's never been one for the tact, see."
Fiona's hand on his leg shifted, and she put her cup down to wrap her arms around him in a hug. She pulled his head onto her shoulder and kissed his temple. "It's okay, you don't have to apologise. I know there's history." She felt a lump in her throat instantly as she thought about her own miscarriage. "Oh my god... that's awful. She was... she was as far along as Izzy."
"Three months, apparently," Mark confirmed as he hugged her back. "James thinks I should go and see her, but I don't think I can. How am I supposed to just rock up at this painful time and try to build bridges? The baby died and then a couple of days later at his birthday party, she started to lose it. When you told me what had happened to you, I just wanted to know what to say, but I didn't. I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like, until I realise that maybe I do know on some level how it feels. James' lack of tact seems to have rubbed off on me."
"Tact is overrated. Sometimes you don't need it so that what really needs to be said gets said. And I think you have an idea of how it feels. I think you have a very good idea, and I'm sorry. No one should understand what it's like. No one. Least of all Ali," Fiona replied quietly. She hugged him a little tighter, that lump in her throat increasing.
Mark didn't even know by this point if he should be hugging her, but he didn't care because it felt nice and he hadn't actually been comforted by anyone who wasn't his brother or his parents in a long time. Something just clicked inside him and he didn't want to let go right away. "It hurts," he admitted against her shoulder. "Once we knew James was okay, I was going to come back and I wanted to try and be a father. I thought I could make up for what I had missed, or at least try. But I came back, and she was with that other guy who was... he was her Dad. I had everyone telling me he was, and how wonderful he was and I just felt more and more like a prick. I lost her, and it hurt. Even more to know it was my fault. And you know the fucked up part? When Ali was pregnant, I wished she wasn't because I didn't even begin to know what I was supposed to do to process it."
Fiona kept holding onto him, not wanting the hug to end either. She rubbed her hand against his back, and brushed another kiss to his cheek before she rest her head against his. "I think a lot of people have that reaction. Finding out you're going to be a mother, or father, it's not always happy news. Doesn't mean you're a bad person. I think it means you understand the gravity of what having a kid is. It's not a puppy, or the latest toy. It's a little human. I know you're probably going to keep beating yourself up about it all, but... here's the thing. You came back, and you really need to give yourself some credit for that because it's hard. Not everyone comes back. Not everyone sticks around, either. And not everyone keeps trying to make amends. You haven't run away, and you haven't stopped trying to find some kind of balance."
Mark just laughed a little. "Trying, yes, but everything still seems to keep tipping in a direction I can't figure out. I came back to try and help James because I thought he was going to need it after the coma and having amnesia and all, but he seems fine. Just went right on to create himself more shit. I can understand the whole thing with Izzy, I can. Back in the early days when I split with Ali, I always wanted her back too. I wanted to marry her, not lose her. It was hard to get over. But James and Izzy have kids on the way with other people, and neither seems like a particularly clean split. Not to mention their exes are linked. That all was hard enough to wrap my head around before he dumped everything about Ali on me. I totally get why I was kept in the dark about it. Ali was extremely angry, but I could have used being eased into the shallow end because I feel like my own head is about to explode too. You know that feeling when it's like nothing is going right and you wonder what the fuck you're doing wrong over and over?" He nodded. "That's probably getting on the right track to how I feel."
"I'm sorry," Fiona murmured. And she was. She had only known Mark for a week, or two, and she couldn't help but feel sorry for him having to suffer so much. "If I could just... if there was a way to fix it all, I'd do it. I really would. There aren't going to be any easy fixes, though. Except for maybe smacking sense into our siblings. I can't fucking believe them, even if I do get it. And your brother has always been very good at seeming fine, when he isn't. Same with Izzy. Sometimes I wonder if the FBI just taught them to lie better. They're getting their bad habits paid for, and honed."
Mark made a small noise that sounded like a tired moan. "Funny you should mention that. I get a feeling he's lying, only I don't know about what. I grew up with him. He was in my life since I was eight years old. I know him. No matter how much he changes, I still know that James deep under all the facades. And something is off. But then, there hasn't exactly been a lot of time for heart-to-hearts, and then it sounds stupid because he has this big gap of time where no one knows what happened to him, so of course it's going to seem like he's lying. And there is the gun story with Ali. James showed up in the hospital in a coma. I can't place where the gun story comes into it, and why would she pull a gun on him post-coma? Something isn't right. I'm starting to feel like I'm the one with the amnesia. Either that, or something huge is going on that I know nothing about. Still don't think the story with Jim's ex makes sense either. She is, what, seven months along now. So seven months ago when we thought he was dead, he was knocking her up. Said he thought he was someone else, hence the amnesia, but I don't know. This is why my head wants to explode. It was like I was sitting in front of a five thousand piece puzzle, maybe just getting one side put together when someone has walked in and shoved all the pieces on the floor again, with a new puzzle mixed into to it. And I'm sorry. I have no idea why I suddenly have verbal diarrhoea."
"Because you need to talk about it?" Fiona suggested softly. "And really, I get that. How you could have been carrying all this in your head with no one to talk to is beyond me. I still wish I could do something more proactive to help, but I'm not sure I can. I can do this part. Listening, cuddles... all the rest. I don't know how any of it fits together, either. I've had bits and pieces from Iz, but nothing I'd call concrete. I can't even begin to know how to fit the puzzle together, but his ex being seven months pregnant already really is a sticking point. Same with Ali, and the gun."
Mark nodded slowly, closing his eyes briefly as he rubbed at his head. "I can't shake the feeling I've come back too late to do any good, though. I'm willing to sacrifice having much of a life myself just to make sure he's okay. I want to find some sort of even keel with Ali, too. I'm not going to intrude. I know the other guy has stepped up to the Dad plate and is awesome. Everyone keeps saying that. But if some of the bad blood between her and me could be resolved, it would just make things a lot easier. How did you not want to kill my brother when he returned for messing Izzy about?"
Fiona let out a breath as she leaned her head back slowly, her fingers toying with the hair at the nape of Mark's neck. "Who says I didn't? Of course I did. I still need to have a word with James, but it can wait. I just know that no amount of my killing him will stop her from loving him. Not right now."
Mark looked at her helplessly. "He doesn't mean bad, you know," he said, his big brother kicking in to defend James. "He's just always trying to do the right thing, but he's been screwed up for years. He's like me. He keeps trying, but he keeps fucking up. It's like he gets so far into the happy and then his subconscious kicks in to make him screw it all up. He's not a bad kid."
"Just like Izzy," she murmured. "I'm still sure it's why she could never get married. She didn't want to be happy. Well, I mean, she did. Just... you know what I mean. Maybe they are suited to each other after all." Fiona cupped his face, and brushed her thumb against his cheek. "I know it's inappropriate, but I really want to kiss you right now."
Mark looked at her with a tired smile. "We're just going to get ourselves into trouble, you know. Izzy is going to kill me if she finds out what we did."
"Izzy needs to understand her sister deserves to be happy, too. Or at least find a friend, or a companion. Or whatever. I'm a big girl. I can take care of myself. I don't see why she'd kill you when she's with James. She can't do any killing, she's got no leg to stand on. You didn't do anything to me. I wanted it. It was mutual."
"I did a whole lot of crap to Ali. Ali is her best friend. Since when is there reasoning in links like that?" Mark picked his coffee up again, taking a large mouthful now the heat had gone out of it somewhat. He put the mug back down and looked at her with a small frown. "You can't tell me at least some of my track record doesn't bother you, surely? I slept with Ali, my ex, and got her pregnant when I was married."
Fiona looked at him, frowning slightly. "I'd be more worried if you didn't know you'd made a mistake. You know you got it wrong, you're still carrying the guilt. Your track record is just part of you. I'm not worried. You fuck me over, though, and I guess we'll see if I can match Ali in the scary bitch stakes."
"I know now I've made mistakes. Back then, I didn't know much of anything. I'm really damaged, Fiona. I don't know if it's a good idea for you to be... wanting to get very close to me right now," Mark had to admit quietly. "Because I can't promise you I'm not going to fuck you over."
Fiona pulled away, dropping her hands to her lap. "I'm not sure I'll be able to stop myself. But I don't want to wind up forcing you. I don't want to create more complications for you. I'm sorry, Mark."
"You want me to fuck you over?" Mark asked, his forehead creasing a little. "Because to be honest, I've had more than my fair share of scary bitches wanting to do me in over my time. I'm just reacting to what you said."
Fiona shook her head. "What, no! Of course I don't want you to fuck me over. I like you. I think about you a lot. You're good to talk to, and you're something I haven't had in a long, long time. I can't help liking you. I can be your friend if that's all you want. I don't want to make anything harder for you. That's all I meant."
Mark was tired. This talking to people thing was more more exhausting than he remembered. "Maybe we should just go slow here. Maybe we should actually tell James and Izzy what has happened. I don't know. I don't want to repeat any of the same mistakes I have made in the past. I don't even know if I'm ready for anything, but at the same time, I don't know how I'm supposed to know. I just get a blank hole in my head when I try to figure it all out."
Fiona reached out to caress his cheek again. "Hey, it's okay. I don't know any of that stuff, either. I guess I'm just going with what I do recognise. I can do slow. I'm not in a hurry. Maybe we should tell them... I'll talk to Izzy when I go home."
"It's not the recognition, it's the acting on it that usually gets me into trouble," Mark murmured and rested his head back. He moaned softly. "I can't believe you're her sister. I can't stop feeling like I'm doing everything wrong just because of that little detail."
Fiona tried to fight a grin, but couldn't. "I guess it's not even in the so wrong it's right category, yet? I can't help it if our parents are the same. I'm not a different person because of it. I'm still me. You're not doing anything wrong. We're not doing anything wrong."
"Technically we already did. You were my client and I slept with you. But if anyone asks, your divorce was signed off before we did," Mark said with a small smirk. He scraped his fingers through his hair. "And I'm just tired because I'm thinking about how nice it would be to just go to bed with you and take it nice and easy, but we can't. It will just create more problems."
Fiona raised her eyebrows. "What problems? We're consenting adults. You're not taking advantage. If anyone is, I am. I'm the one trying to hit on a guy who's clearly not in any fit state to say no. And fuck the client thing. I'm hardly going to sue you for sexual harassment. I want to go to bed with you, too. I want nice and easy."
"The problem that it feels too quick?" Mark answered and gave her a small, apologetic smile. "I'm sorry, I just have this feeling in my gut that if we rush this and get in too deep, it's going to fuck up. The feeling in my gut could just be the stomach flu coming on too, mind, but even then, sleeping with me is probably a risk. Can't we just do the nice and easy like this without sex just for a bit? I don't think slow is going to be a bad thing for either of us."
Fiona held her hand up. "I'm sorry, I think maybe I got my wires crossed. I wasn't really thinking sex when I was thinking about bed and nice and easy. I was thinking slow, and cuddling, and sleeping. So, you know, I'm all for taking it slow. I'm not asking to rush. Just... if I kiss you, don't hate me?"
"Wires crossed, because I was referring to the sex we already had. Once you do that, it's hard to halt at cuddling in a bed," Mark pointed out with a smirk as he finished his coffee. "The sad part is, it's been a fucking long time, too, since I had comfort sex. I miss it. That being with someone intimately when the world is going down the crapper. When Ali got hurt on the job all those years ago, sex was a healing thing for us. I hope she can remember that. Not necessarily the sex, but the intimate comfort. Miscarriage is... I can't even begin to imagine," he told her quietly, holding her gaze.
She kept his gaze, fidgeting a little in her seat. "Stop it, or you'll make me admit to really wanting comfort sex, too. I was trying to take the higher road. I don't think what we did was a mistake. I'm sorry, but I don't." She wet her lips and gave a small nod. "It's hard. It's unbelievably hard, and I feel awful knowing that Ali's experienced it. Especially as far along as she was. She'll need her paramedic. I just hope she realises that. It was one of the mistakes I made with my ex. We didn't heal together."
Mark closed his eyes for a moment. "God, please don't let me regret this," he murmured and then leaned over to kiss her softly, his palm cupping her cheek gently.
All muses referenced with permission and are from the princeton2nyc universe
Word Count | 4,430
Co-written with middleowens
[Follows THIS and THIS]
After his shower, Mark had just pulled on track pants and a t-shirt. Truth was, he couldn't be bothered with much else. He didn't think she was the type to really be overly bothered whether he was in a suit or not, and if she was, well, it was better to find out now, right? He knew he still needed to catch up on some sleep, but at least he wasn't at work trying to get his brain to work when it really wasn't operating to full capacity. Not much had been said between them since she arrived, and he immediately offered her a coffee, which she accepted. It gave him a few minutes breather to regain his composure now she was here (because he hadn't been 100% sure she would come, despite the text messages), and it gave her a few minutes in his living room to take in a few more details of his life that he had managed to unpack. All his photos were now out on the walls or on his mantel, mostly of his family but there were friends mixed amongst the bunch. James, Isabel, and Ali were promiment... just like they had been in his life before everything fell apart.
He brought their coffee through; proper Lattes made from his espresso machine. He was never much of a fan of instant, and that probably made him a rich snob, but everyone had to have vices. He handed her one of the mugs with a smile and then took the seat on the sofa beside her, settling back and taking a sip of his own. "You didn't have to come, you know. I was worried after the text messages that I maybe guilted you into it. That was never my intention. I was just... trying to be honest."
Fiona didn't need him a suit. In fact, she was learning quickly just how hot he looked in anything. She was dressed in something not that much more formal, a white t-shirt with her jeans, and a light cardigan. She'd been tempted to keep her pajama bottoms on, but was worried he wasn't a Snoopy guy. She looked at him, holding her coffee. She wasn't going to take a sip just yet, savouring the smell of proper coffee. She only had instant in her rebound apartment. "You weren't guilting me. I thought maybe you'd change your mind because I made it seem like you had to offer. I wanted to see you. I can't lie about that. I'm sorry if... I can go. If you want."
Her gaze went back to the photographs, looking at the ones featuring Izzy in particular. It was strange to meet someone that knew her, and not really know him. Well, not know him as James' brother. Although she was slowly starting to. It wasn't like Mark was any different, she could just put him into context. See him as the brother of her sister's... complication. James was a weakness, and she knew it. She wondered if Mark was going to be the same for her.
Mark nursed the mug in his hands, enjoying the warmth of it against his palms. He shook his head. "Why would I want you to go if I told you I wanted you to come?" he reasoned, and watched her take in some of the images. "It's nice to have someone to talk to, especially after some of the things James has laid on me over the last few days. Then does the irritating hemorrhoid thing he's so good at by snooping in my box of work I brought home and finding your file. I had to remind myself why I told him to come stay here."
Fiona turned her attention back to Mark, and smirked. "Iz does the same thing. She's always snooping in my stuff. I haven't seen her in a little while, so she didn't have much chance to find your name on anything. I'm glad you said you wanted me to come. I like having someone to talk to as well. Reminds me what it's like to just enjoy being with someone. And I don't really mean romantically. Even if you're, um... incredibly good in bed. Are you alright with having James here?"
Mark scratched his fingers through his hair. "I figured you maybe hadn't spoken to her in the last few days," he murmured and exhaled softly. He gave her a small smirk and then nodded. "Yeah, I'm okay with it. Really okay, actually. As fucked up as it sounds, I know he's alive if he's here. I know he's okay because I can see it with my own eyes. Well, he's mostly okay. I love Iz, don't get me wrong, but I just... he should be with his kid. Same as I think the father of Izzy's kids should be with them."
"It's not fucked up, it makes sense. I'm so sorry you ever had to go through what you did. I only knew about the fallout that affected Iz, but it must have been huge for you. Made you both leave the country." Fiona gestured at him with her coffee cup before taking a sip. "That is exactly where we agree. I love James, but he's her kryptonite, and he always will be. She goes ga-ga around him, and can't always see the forest for the trees. And I think you're right about the father thing. Having said that... they shouldn't wind up in marriages like mine. Whether it's for the kids, or not."
Mark looked into his coffee. "My baby brother was murdered," he said quietly. "It was the worst day of my life that I found out. Everyone probably expected me and my family to shout happily from the rooftops when we got the call that he had shown up in hospital in a coma, but it's not as easy as that. We couldn't process it. Losing James caused my Mum to even have a heart attack. It's just not as easy as turning the emotions on and off. We didn't even know what to expect to find coming to New York to see him. We thought it was all some sick fucking joke. When they originally told us he had been killed, everything here just reminded us of him. We couldn't deal with it. Turns me back into a vicious circle, why I wasn't here when Ali gave birth, why I couldn't even look at the photo of the baby because she looked like James, had James' name."
He cleared his throat and looked at her wryly. "Marriage and simply being present are two very different things. But with the discontent they've created with their exes, who is to say the environment is even going to be healthy for the kids? It's why I've just steered clear and not tried to create waves for Ali. She's happy... was... still hurts, though. I only just heard ninety percent of the story from James the other day. I didn't even know she was engaged to the paramedic."
Fi reached out to touch his leg, one hand now holding her coffee. She hesitated as she tried to work out if her hand should stay there, or not, finally letting it settle. It was just a gesture of comfort, not a come on. Surely that was okay? "I'm so sorry. I really am. I can't even... if I think about Izzy being the one to die... It was bad enough when she got shot a few years ago. The idea of her never coming home has always been hard to swallow. I'm sorry it also meant you couldn't cope with Jamie, but there's no shame in that. Grief isn't predictable. It takes all forms."
Fiona's eyebrows went up. "You didn't know? Well, I guess..." she trailed off, and bit her lip. "I guess I don't know what to think. I'm not about to make assumptions on Ali's part. She must have had reasons for keeping it from you. Maybe they're reasons that can be fixed still? Then again, it means that James and Izzy also made an active effort to keep it from you, and I don't know what to think about that."
Mark shook his head. "No, I didn't know. And I didn't know because Ali wanted my balls. She nearly claimed them when I tried to see her after getting back. Fuck, she deserves to have them bronzed on her mantel, she really does. Of course, at least she left her gun out of sight. James wasn't so lucky. The way I hear it, she had it against his head when he first got back and then she knocked him out." He laughed, but he caught in his throat with a small unexpected sob. He had to put his coffee down and hold his hand up. "Fuck, I'm sorry. It's not because I still want her or anything, even if she'll always have a place in my heart. It's just... you don't know, and I'm not sure I should be the one to tell you. I only found out in a string of Ali's not only getting married, but she's pregnant with the guy's kid. Oh, and while we're on the subject, her baby died. Jim's never been one for the tact, see."
Fiona's hand on his leg shifted, and she put her cup down to wrap her arms around him in a hug. She pulled his head onto her shoulder and kissed his temple. "It's okay, you don't have to apologise. I know there's history." She felt a lump in her throat instantly as she thought about her own miscarriage. "Oh my god... that's awful. She was... she was as far along as Izzy."
"Three months, apparently," Mark confirmed as he hugged her back. "James thinks I should go and see her, but I don't think I can. How am I supposed to just rock up at this painful time and try to build bridges? The baby died and then a couple of days later at his birthday party, she started to lose it. When you told me what had happened to you, I just wanted to know what to say, but I didn't. I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like, until I realise that maybe I do know on some level how it feels. James' lack of tact seems to have rubbed off on me."
"Tact is overrated. Sometimes you don't need it so that what really needs to be said gets said. And I think you have an idea of how it feels. I think you have a very good idea, and I'm sorry. No one should understand what it's like. No one. Least of all Ali," Fiona replied quietly. She hugged him a little tighter, that lump in her throat increasing.
Mark didn't even know by this point if he should be hugging her, but he didn't care because it felt nice and he hadn't actually been comforted by anyone who wasn't his brother or his parents in a long time. Something just clicked inside him and he didn't want to let go right away. "It hurts," he admitted against her shoulder. "Once we knew James was okay, I was going to come back and I wanted to try and be a father. I thought I could make up for what I had missed, or at least try. But I came back, and she was with that other guy who was... he was her Dad. I had everyone telling me he was, and how wonderful he was and I just felt more and more like a prick. I lost her, and it hurt. Even more to know it was my fault. And you know the fucked up part? When Ali was pregnant, I wished she wasn't because I didn't even begin to know what I was supposed to do to process it."
Fiona kept holding onto him, not wanting the hug to end either. She rubbed her hand against his back, and brushed another kiss to his cheek before she rest her head against his. "I think a lot of people have that reaction. Finding out you're going to be a mother, or father, it's not always happy news. Doesn't mean you're a bad person. I think it means you understand the gravity of what having a kid is. It's not a puppy, or the latest toy. It's a little human. I know you're probably going to keep beating yourself up about it all, but... here's the thing. You came back, and you really need to give yourself some credit for that because it's hard. Not everyone comes back. Not everyone sticks around, either. And not everyone keeps trying to make amends. You haven't run away, and you haven't stopped trying to find some kind of balance."
Mark just laughed a little. "Trying, yes, but everything still seems to keep tipping in a direction I can't figure out. I came back to try and help James because I thought he was going to need it after the coma and having amnesia and all, but he seems fine. Just went right on to create himself more shit. I can understand the whole thing with Izzy, I can. Back in the early days when I split with Ali, I always wanted her back too. I wanted to marry her, not lose her. It was hard to get over. But James and Izzy have kids on the way with other people, and neither seems like a particularly clean split. Not to mention their exes are linked. That all was hard enough to wrap my head around before he dumped everything about Ali on me. I totally get why I was kept in the dark about it. Ali was extremely angry, but I could have used being eased into the shallow end because I feel like my own head is about to explode too. You know that feeling when it's like nothing is going right and you wonder what the fuck you're doing wrong over and over?" He nodded. "That's probably getting on the right track to how I feel."
"I'm sorry," Fiona murmured. And she was. She had only known Mark for a week, or two, and she couldn't help but feel sorry for him having to suffer so much. "If I could just... if there was a way to fix it all, I'd do it. I really would. There aren't going to be any easy fixes, though. Except for maybe smacking sense into our siblings. I can't fucking believe them, even if I do get it. And your brother has always been very good at seeming fine, when he isn't. Same with Izzy. Sometimes I wonder if the FBI just taught them to lie better. They're getting their bad habits paid for, and honed."
Mark made a small noise that sounded like a tired moan. "Funny you should mention that. I get a feeling he's lying, only I don't know about what. I grew up with him. He was in my life since I was eight years old. I know him. No matter how much he changes, I still know that James deep under all the facades. And something is off. But then, there hasn't exactly been a lot of time for heart-to-hearts, and then it sounds stupid because he has this big gap of time where no one knows what happened to him, so of course it's going to seem like he's lying. And there is the gun story with Ali. James showed up in the hospital in a coma. I can't place where the gun story comes into it, and why would she pull a gun on him post-coma? Something isn't right. I'm starting to feel like I'm the one with the amnesia. Either that, or something huge is going on that I know nothing about. Still don't think the story with Jim's ex makes sense either. She is, what, seven months along now. So seven months ago when we thought he was dead, he was knocking her up. Said he thought he was someone else, hence the amnesia, but I don't know. This is why my head wants to explode. It was like I was sitting in front of a five thousand piece puzzle, maybe just getting one side put together when someone has walked in and shoved all the pieces on the floor again, with a new puzzle mixed into to it. And I'm sorry. I have no idea why I suddenly have verbal diarrhoea."
"Because you need to talk about it?" Fiona suggested softly. "And really, I get that. How you could have been carrying all this in your head with no one to talk to is beyond me. I still wish I could do something more proactive to help, but I'm not sure I can. I can do this part. Listening, cuddles... all the rest. I don't know how any of it fits together, either. I've had bits and pieces from Iz, but nothing I'd call concrete. I can't even begin to know how to fit the puzzle together, but his ex being seven months pregnant already really is a sticking point. Same with Ali, and the gun."
Mark nodded slowly, closing his eyes briefly as he rubbed at his head. "I can't shake the feeling I've come back too late to do any good, though. I'm willing to sacrifice having much of a life myself just to make sure he's okay. I want to find some sort of even keel with Ali, too. I'm not going to intrude. I know the other guy has stepped up to the Dad plate and is awesome. Everyone keeps saying that. But if some of the bad blood between her and me could be resolved, it would just make things a lot easier. How did you not want to kill my brother when he returned for messing Izzy about?"
Fiona let out a breath as she leaned her head back slowly, her fingers toying with the hair at the nape of Mark's neck. "Who says I didn't? Of course I did. I still need to have a word with James, but it can wait. I just know that no amount of my killing him will stop her from loving him. Not right now."
Mark looked at her helplessly. "He doesn't mean bad, you know," he said, his big brother kicking in to defend James. "He's just always trying to do the right thing, but he's been screwed up for years. He's like me. He keeps trying, but he keeps fucking up. It's like he gets so far into the happy and then his subconscious kicks in to make him screw it all up. He's not a bad kid."
"Just like Izzy," she murmured. "I'm still sure it's why she could never get married. She didn't want to be happy. Well, I mean, she did. Just... you know what I mean. Maybe they are suited to each other after all." Fiona cupped his face, and brushed her thumb against his cheek. "I know it's inappropriate, but I really want to kiss you right now."
Mark looked at her with a tired smile. "We're just going to get ourselves into trouble, you know. Izzy is going to kill me if she finds out what we did."
"Izzy needs to understand her sister deserves to be happy, too. Or at least find a friend, or a companion. Or whatever. I'm a big girl. I can take care of myself. I don't see why she'd kill you when she's with James. She can't do any killing, she's got no leg to stand on. You didn't do anything to me. I wanted it. It was mutual."
"I did a whole lot of crap to Ali. Ali is her best friend. Since when is there reasoning in links like that?" Mark picked his coffee up again, taking a large mouthful now the heat had gone out of it somewhat. He put the mug back down and looked at her with a small frown. "You can't tell me at least some of my track record doesn't bother you, surely? I slept with Ali, my ex, and got her pregnant when I was married."
Fiona looked at him, frowning slightly. "I'd be more worried if you didn't know you'd made a mistake. You know you got it wrong, you're still carrying the guilt. Your track record is just part of you. I'm not worried. You fuck me over, though, and I guess we'll see if I can match Ali in the scary bitch stakes."
"I know now I've made mistakes. Back then, I didn't know much of anything. I'm really damaged, Fiona. I don't know if it's a good idea for you to be... wanting to get very close to me right now," Mark had to admit quietly. "Because I can't promise you I'm not going to fuck you over."
Fiona pulled away, dropping her hands to her lap. "I'm not sure I'll be able to stop myself. But I don't want to wind up forcing you. I don't want to create more complications for you. I'm sorry, Mark."
"You want me to fuck you over?" Mark asked, his forehead creasing a little. "Because to be honest, I've had more than my fair share of scary bitches wanting to do me in over my time. I'm just reacting to what you said."
Fiona shook her head. "What, no! Of course I don't want you to fuck me over. I like you. I think about you a lot. You're good to talk to, and you're something I haven't had in a long, long time. I can't help liking you. I can be your friend if that's all you want. I don't want to make anything harder for you. That's all I meant."
Mark was tired. This talking to people thing was more more exhausting than he remembered. "Maybe we should just go slow here. Maybe we should actually tell James and Izzy what has happened. I don't know. I don't want to repeat any of the same mistakes I have made in the past. I don't even know if I'm ready for anything, but at the same time, I don't know how I'm supposed to know. I just get a blank hole in my head when I try to figure it all out."
Fiona reached out to caress his cheek again. "Hey, it's okay. I don't know any of that stuff, either. I guess I'm just going with what I do recognise. I can do slow. I'm not in a hurry. Maybe we should tell them... I'll talk to Izzy when I go home."
"It's not the recognition, it's the acting on it that usually gets me into trouble," Mark murmured and rested his head back. He moaned softly. "I can't believe you're her sister. I can't stop feeling like I'm doing everything wrong just because of that little detail."
Fiona tried to fight a grin, but couldn't. "I guess it's not even in the so wrong it's right category, yet? I can't help it if our parents are the same. I'm not a different person because of it. I'm still me. You're not doing anything wrong. We're not doing anything wrong."
"Technically we already did. You were my client and I slept with you. But if anyone asks, your divorce was signed off before we did," Mark said with a small smirk. He scraped his fingers through his hair. "And I'm just tired because I'm thinking about how nice it would be to just go to bed with you and take it nice and easy, but we can't. It will just create more problems."
Fiona raised her eyebrows. "What problems? We're consenting adults. You're not taking advantage. If anyone is, I am. I'm the one trying to hit on a guy who's clearly not in any fit state to say no. And fuck the client thing. I'm hardly going to sue you for sexual harassment. I want to go to bed with you, too. I want nice and easy."
"The problem that it feels too quick?" Mark answered and gave her a small, apologetic smile. "I'm sorry, I just have this feeling in my gut that if we rush this and get in too deep, it's going to fuck up. The feeling in my gut could just be the stomach flu coming on too, mind, but even then, sleeping with me is probably a risk. Can't we just do the nice and easy like this without sex just for a bit? I don't think slow is going to be a bad thing for either of us."
Fiona held her hand up. "I'm sorry, I think maybe I got my wires crossed. I wasn't really thinking sex when I was thinking about bed and nice and easy. I was thinking slow, and cuddling, and sleeping. So, you know, I'm all for taking it slow. I'm not asking to rush. Just... if I kiss you, don't hate me?"
"Wires crossed, because I was referring to the sex we already had. Once you do that, it's hard to halt at cuddling in a bed," Mark pointed out with a smirk as he finished his coffee. "The sad part is, it's been a fucking long time, too, since I had comfort sex. I miss it. That being with someone intimately when the world is going down the crapper. When Ali got hurt on the job all those years ago, sex was a healing thing for us. I hope she can remember that. Not necessarily the sex, but the intimate comfort. Miscarriage is... I can't even begin to imagine," he told her quietly, holding her gaze.
She kept his gaze, fidgeting a little in her seat. "Stop it, or you'll make me admit to really wanting comfort sex, too. I was trying to take the higher road. I don't think what we did was a mistake. I'm sorry, but I don't." She wet her lips and gave a small nod. "It's hard. It's unbelievably hard, and I feel awful knowing that Ali's experienced it. Especially as far along as she was. She'll need her paramedic. I just hope she realises that. It was one of the mistakes I made with my ex. We didn't heal together."
Mark closed his eyes for a moment. "God, please don't let me regret this," he murmured and then leaned over to kiss her softly, his palm cupping her cheek gently.
All muses referenced with permission and are from the princeton2nyc universe
Word Count | 4,430