Livejournal
Log in
Post
Friends
My journal
aurorabell
Yellow
Jan 30, 2012 03:05
Opinions?
(
Man, it's been so long
)
poetry
Leave a comment
Comments 3
nerak_g
January 30 2012, 17:45:19 UTC
Way to re-entry! :-)
Reply
aurorabell
January 30 2012, 18:47:44 UTC
any thoughts karen?
Reply
nerak_g
January 30 2012, 19:04:59 UTC
There's some of this construction you can whittle away:
he stalked the concrete and asphalt
That sat outside the stores with their shiny possibility.
Into something like
he stalked (skulked?, def. 2, to move stealthily) over the concrete and asphalt
outside the stores
looking for their shiny possibility
or something like this.
Just sharpening, really. Beware thats, woulds, coulds, was & anything passive voiced.You know, the usual. ;-)
Reply
Leave a comment
Up
Comments 3
Reply
Reply
he stalked the concrete and asphalt
That sat outside the stores with their shiny possibility.
Into something like
he stalked (skulked?, def. 2, to move stealthily) over the concrete and asphalt
outside the stores
looking for their shiny possibility
or something like this.
Just sharpening, really. Beware thats, woulds, coulds, was & anything passive voiced.You know, the usual. ;-)
Reply
Leave a comment