Day 53, 14:00, Heightmeyer's office, attn: Kate, Rodney [F]
Cowritten with Cajun in google docs
Kate felt that her day had been very productive so far. She was less tired and she'd been seeing patients right on schedule. Kate thought that maybe she'd even help a few of them. Of course, next on her list was Rodney and he could be tricky. It helped that she'd already talked to Carson so she had a small idea about at least something that was impacting Rodney. While she waited for him to arrive, she finished writing her thoughts about PTSD.
Rodney knew he was running late for his appointment with Heightmeyer. What had seemed like a good idea the previous day was an annoying obligation now. He wasn't sure if he wanted to talk. Well, maybe it couldn't hurt to talk about some things. The weird nightmares ever since the Wraith and the Worshippers attacked the city. But he certainly wouldn't talk about Carson. There was nothing to talk about, Rodney thought sulkily. He hesitated for a moment as he arrived at Heightmeyer's office. He discarded the idea to chicken out. He drew a deep breath to collect himself, then knocked at the door.
Kate heard the knock and smiled. She had wondered if Rodney would be late. He either would be reluctant to show up or he would want to maintain some kind of control. Kate thought the door open and gave Rodney a smile. "Rodney, please come in and make yourself comfortable," she said. She got up as well but waited until he picked his seat before she took hers. She wasn't one of those therapists that had a power seat, instead she let the client keep their power.
Rodney nodded at her as he entered the room. "Um, thanks." It confused him that she waited by the door, and with an inviting smile pointed towards the general direction of the chairs. He wasn't sure which one he was supposed to pick, after all it was her office. "Which one?" he asked, when she made no move to claim her chair. He turned around and gave her a puzzled look.
Kate heard the question and saw the look of puzzlement on Rodney's face. "Which ever one you want," she said, watching him take a seat before sitting across from him. She could see his nervousness even though he was trying to hide it. "How are you today?" she asked hoping to allay some of his fears. She wanted him to feel comfortable with her.
Rodney wasn't sure what this "pick whatever chair you please" was about and it unnerved him. He picked the chair with the view out of the window and shrugged as she asked him how he was. "Not bad, I guess," he said a little evasively.
Kate thought that Rodney was uncomfortable with her approach and that he wasn't telling the whole truth. She decided to be more direct. "What changes need to occur to make your day better than not bad?" she asked. She knew that he was tired, stressed and in the middle of his personal relationships melting down. She just didn't know what he thought about those concepts.
Rodney pondered the question with a frown.
He'd had to sleep in his cold bed because his lover, no - his previous best friend and ex-lover - had invited someone else into his rooms, and obviously in -- their -- bed. He got hit on by an Athosian who was on his team and he barely managed to fall asleep. He'd had nightmares and weird dreams. And when he finally managed to fall asleep, he'd been woken up at 4 am.
At least the reason wasn't such a bad one. They'd finally managed to find the gate address of the planet the Wraith held some of their people captive. At least this was their working hypothesis. He'd had a strenuous day in the lab, and worked his ass off with repairs and in about an hour he'd have to do kitchen duty with Carson. His day could only get better if the Wraith came back and took a couple more people, he thought sourly.
"I don't know," he shrugged. "If people would just let me do my work, and not constantly bother me, my day wouldn't be so bad at all."
Kate listened to his answer and thought it was a very nice side step to what she was asking. "I can imagine that with Radek unable to work, you are in high demand. The people that are making your work harder, are they your scientists or are they another group all together?" she asked, knowing that he could be referring to her and this session.
Rodney's expression darkened. Her question sounded pretty fishy. "Did Kavanagh complain about me?"
Kate was surprised at Rodney's response. "Dr. Kavanagh? If he did, then it would have been to someone other than me. Rodney, I'm asking about you and the people you identify as making your day more bad than good," she explained.
Rodney brooded over his reply. He didn't want to sound whiny. And he didn't want to give Carson - or Jackson - the satisfaction that he complained to the shrink about them. On the other hand, Heightmeyer had asked him, she was the one who brought up the topic. Being a cooperative patient he had to reply. "Carson," he growled.
"How is Carson impacting your day?" she asked. Kate knew what Carson said during his session but she wanted to know about Rodney's perspective. People could see things so differently that it was like they weren't even talking about the same thing and to add to the situation, he growled Carson's name.
"Well, one day he is telling me he wants to have children, and the next he is patting this guy's hair in a very obvious manner. When I confronted him, he gave me a lame explanation that they're just friends," Rodney explained, quite upset, making air-quotes as he said the word "friends" to underline he didn't buy that for one second.
"And later in the evening I caught them, with wet hair walking down the corridor. The other guy was walking funny, and they disappeared into our," Rodney stopped, then corrected himself. "Carson's rooms. And it doesn't take much imagination what they were up to that made this other guy walk funny." He snorted as he thought about how easily he'd been fooled by Carson.
Kate listened to Rodney's explanation and but didn't see anything that was obvious. "So you think Carson and this guy are lovers?" she asked.
Rodney nodded. "I bet they were all the time," he said. "I was just too stupid to notice."
"Rodney, I want you to tell me about Carson. Who he is, what he likes and what qualities he has or doesn't have?" Kate requested. She wasn't here to tell Rodney that his lover wasn't cheating but to ask him if it mattered either way. They were all stuck here together and if they wouldn't be as lovers they were still senior staff and had to work together.
Rodney shifted on his chair. "He can be very charming, if he wants to be," Rodney said gloomily, he wasn't in the mood to give Carson credit. Certainly not after seeing Carson with Jackson.
Kate listened to the misery that seemed to bleed through every fiber of Rodney's being. "Am I hearing you say, that Carson lied to you from the moment you met and that he manipulated you to his own betterment?" she asked, interested to see if Rodney would be insightful or stay stuck in anger and jealousy.
Rodney hesitated for a moment and unfolded his arms. As upset as he was about Carson, he found it hard to imagine, that Carson stringed him along all the time. "I can't really imagine Carson would do that," he said meekly. "But I know what I saw," he insisted.
Kate nodded in response to Rodney admission. "What exactly did you see? How would the timeline fit and more importantly where does Carson fit in your life now?" she asked, going for the hard questions.
Rodney frowned as he recalled the pictures. Carson patting Jackson's hair with an almost tender smile. Both men walking along the corridor, so intimately wrapped around each other. "I saw Carson pet his hair and give him that -- look. I caught them by accident when I wanted to talk to Carson in the infirmary. And it's not like that's the first time I caught them," Rodney added, remembering the evening he caught them red-handed in Carson's rooms.
It was a tough situation for Kate to be in but not an unfamiliar one. She had a good idea what Rodney was describing but couldn't clear anything up for him due to issues of confidentiality.
"Rodney when you say that you caught them, do you mean they were kissing or groping each other?" she asked. Kate wasn't sure if Rodney could recognize the difference between two friends being intimate versus two lover's being intimate aside from them having sex. She could imagine that Carson would hug most anyone, hold their hand and yes pat their hair after a horrible experience. She had a much harder time imaging Rodney being comfortable enough to do those things with anyone other than Carson.
Rodney snorted. "I'm probably not big on social graces, but even I know the difference between a concerned look at a patient versus a lovingly gaze followed by petting someone's hair," he explained and crossed his arms in front of his chest.
"And I know why people walk around funny." He cleared his throat and shifted on his chair, trying to ignore the blush he felt on his cheeks. "I mean, gay men," he added, gesturing with his hand. "Well, the one, um, who's um," he frowned, and cleared his throat again. "I think you know what I mean."
Kate did know what Rodney meant and could see some of what Carson had talked about. "I would think that if someone hurt their ankle they would walk funny whether they were gay or not. I also think that looks can be deceiving, however, this is about you. If you truly, in your heart, think Carson would sleep with another man and simply use you for his own good, what are you going to do about it? Can you work as members of the senior staff?" Kate challenged. She didn't think or at least she hoped that Rodney didn't think Carson was so callus.
"I guess I'd have to deal with it," Rodney mumbled, as he imagined himself dealing with the situation as presented to him. Carson being happy with Jackson and him receiving the people's malice. It wasn't a thought he liked. But on the other hand, as a genius he was used to rejection in personal relationships. "But I know what I saw," he insisted, sulkily pushing forward his lower lip.
Kate was worried about the fate of the senior staff with answers like that. She didn't think Rodney or Carson would do very well with an average break up let alone one that broke apart based on misunderstanding. "Rodney lets step back a bit, shall we? I'm guessing that you met Carson in Antarctica and that you were friends. Have you dated anyone else while on the project?" she asked hoping for a better perspective.
Rodney was about to answer in the negative, when he remembered the disastrous date he'd had with Ollie. "I, um, I once had a date with a woman," he said. "It didn't work out very well." His expression darkened as he relived the events of that evening. He'd felt awkward and it was more than embarrassing. And he didn't even kiss her. "She, um, died during the attack of the Wraith." Strangely, he hadn't missed her much. He hadn't even really known her. She hadn't been his type and under different circumstances he hadn't even dated her.
Kate watched Rodney's expression turn somber tinged with unease. She surmised that this wasn't a good topic for him. "Was it because she was a woman that it didn't work out or was there something else?" she asked unsure of his reaction to her question.
Rodney shifted uneasily on his chair. "I didn't even know I was gay until Carson, um," he gestured. "I suppose we didn't have too much in common," he said, then paused. "Um, Ollie, the woman I dated." But maybe that also was true for Carson and him, he pondered.
Kate knew the part about Carson being the first man that Rodney had dated and figured that he had an inkling of same sex attraction at some point in his life but repressed it. "Rodney what does it mean to you that you are attracted to a man?"
Rodney shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know," he said honestly. "I didn't think much about it. Before I met Carson." He hadn't questioned his orientation. And even now he wasn't sure he was actually gay. He wasn't turned on by guys per se. He liked Carson. "And it's not like I'm drooling over any next guy." He paused, carefully picking his words. "I liked Carson, we were friends. And then I, I realised there's more."
Kate processed his explanation. "How did you realize that you could be attracted to Carson? Was it as you became friends?" she asked. His answer would give her a good idea about his internal processing.
The blush on Rodney's cheeks intensified as he remembered how he'd shouted at Carson when he found out. "Keara told me Carson was in love with me," he said. He wasn't particularly proud of his actions. "I, um, didn't really take it well, and um, wasn't really nice the next time we were talking."
Kate remembered the nurse and was saddened to hear of her death. "So did you think that the friendship between you was fake? Just something Carson did to get in your pants so to speak?" Maybe he thought it then and never really stopped thinking it.
"I don't know," he admitted. He hoped it wasn't. "Do you think he would?" he asked anxiously. "I mean, we got along pretty well, and he never said a word until I confronted him with what Keara told me." He sighed. "But, while he supposedly was in love with me, he made out with this other guy, and if I hadn't caught them," Rodney paused and gave her a bitter smile.
"Ironically to apologise for shouting at him - who knows what might have happened that evening. I am not sure what to make of *that*. How can you claim to be in love with someone and then make out with someone else?"
Kate thought that they were valid questions. "No, I don't think Carson would pretend to be a your friend just to have sex with you. From a practical stand point, if he thought you were straight, then how would that work. You would never want him or even consider him sexually. He's also a pretty bad liar. As for why he would be with someone else, it's because he's human. Humans need comfort and care when they feel bad. If you lashed out at him and revoked your friendship then he would seek some kind of comfort from someone else. It would have nothing to do with his feelings for you and it may not have even started out as being sexual. Keep in mind though, that it often comes back to hurt you more often than not," she explained. People found what they thought was comfort only for it to compound their feeling of pain.
Rodney frowned at her explanation. "So you say that it's okay for him to make out with someone else when he feels bad?" He wasn't sure he liked that idea. But then, maybe that was just how gay guys were like. Sheppard and Radek did it too. He didn't feel the need to make out with the next guy, so that could only mean he wasn't really gay, Rodney wondered.
"No, I'm not saying that. What I'm saying is that when people feel hurt, confused or even scared they will seek comfort. It's not always sexual but it can turn into that even when the intent is not there. I can only imagine what it would feel like to be outed and be so to someone that I cared about who I knew did not return my feelings. I can imagine the fear, the grief and the sense of loss. I can't say what was going through his mind or what you said to him but I can imagine it was bad for both of you. Rodney do you think that gay men or bisexual men are, by nature, unfaithful?" she asked. Her gut said that he did.
Rodney pushed forward his lower lip defensively. "Well, from what I've seen, I can't really say they come across as overly celibate."
It hurt to think that Carson, no matter why, didn't want to be with him anymore. The way he acted towards Jack hadn't come across as purely platonic to him. He wanted to trust Carson, because if he was being honest with himself, he still cared for Carson. But he just couldn't deal with the fact that it wasn't the first time he caught Carson in such a situation with Jackson. For everybody else he could have accepted an excuse, accepted that it was just Carson caring for a friend, not just a patient, because Carson was that way. With Jackson it was much more than that and Rodney wasn't sure if he could deal with that.
Kate knew that the misconception about gay and bisexual men's sexual appetite. In truth, it was just that those men were having sex with men. Straight men know that they have to buy dinner or take a woman out to get sex more often than not. Gay men know that they don't necessarily have to do those same steps to get sex. That was the difference.
"Rodney from what I can tell, you went on a date with a woman and Carson made out with a guy. Both of those situation were before you started a relationship together. Should they be held against the both of you? What do you trust Carson about?" she asked. If Rodney didn't trust Carson then it didn't matter, not really, because the relationship had nothing to build on.
"This isn't about previous relationships," Rodney said. "It's not like I had a lot." He wasn't sure how to explain why he was so upset about Carson's behaviour.
"How would *you* feel if you found out that someone who claims to be in love with you, makes out with a person -- while they're supposed to be totally all over you? And how would you feel if you catch them late at night in the hallways, tightly wrapped around each other with wet hair? Carson claims he joined the expedition because he at least wanted to be around me, even if I never returned his feelings. I caught him making out with a guy and last night I caught them again. I just don't know what to feel about that anymore."
Things would be so much easier if he'd be able to deal with that like Radek or Sheppard. Look for someone to fuck away the pain and the last bit of feeling for Carson.
Kate thought about Rodney's question. "Initially I would be upset but then when I calmed down I would realize that it didn't necessarily mean anything. If I wanted to be with him, then I would need to deal with it and move on. As for the night in the hallway, did you ask Carson what was going on? Did you tell him how you were feeling?" she asked. This was going to end in tragedy if Rodney and Carson broke up due this situation with Jack.
"I confronted him in the infirmary yesterday, but he brushed it off," Rodney said. "And I was stupid enough to consider I might have been wrong when I was on the way home last night. But I caught them again. And there was absolutely no doubt what they'd been up to."
His expression darkened.
"And then he led him to *our* rooms." That was the bit that upset Rodney the most. They'd been going at it in Jackson's rooms, then relocated to Carson's and his rooms. Who knew what they'd been doing there. Probably baptised the sofa, Rodney thought gloomily.
"Rodney I would suggest that you talk to Carson about what you saw before you make any decisions. You fell in love with him for a reason and there are things about him that mean something to you. Make it a well thought out and livable decision because no matter what, the two of you will not be able to get space from one another," Kate advised. At this rate the wraith wouldn't have to worry because the expedition would implode.
"Hey, I wasn't the one who started this," Rodney pouted. "I'm not going to fold. After all he was the one who petted this *guy's* hair."
"What would you do if your situations were reversed and Carson thought you were being unfaithful? What would you want to happen?" she asked, hoping to spark that this wasn't about winning or losing but how much the relationship was worth. If Carson had been unfaithful, she would still ask him the same questions.
"I don't go around petting people," Rodney said angrily. "Besides, I," he hesitated. "I don't want anyone but Carson," he added softly. Why should he make out with another guy when he had Carson? "I'm not exactly a catch and I can't blame Carson if he got sick of me."
It saddened Kate that Rodney held himself in such low esteem. "Rodney what do you mean by saying that Carson got sick of you?"
Rodney shrugged his shoulders. "It's not a secret that I'm not exactly sociable. Maybe it's my own fault that Carson rather spends time with this other guy."
Kate knew that Rodney really believed what he was saying and that just made it worse. "Rodney, it would not be your fault if Carson was seeing someone else. It would be his and only his. However, I still think you should talk to him. If he came to this galaxy to just be near you, then it would stand to reason that he thinks you're a catch as well." Kate thought if the two men made it through this, then she would offer couples counseling.
There was some logic to Kate's words, Rodney thought. "Probably," he admitted slowly. Carson had taken a big risk to be close to him - without the slightest chance to be with him as a lover. He wanted Carson's words to be true, but he couldn't forget how he'd caught Carson and Jackson. Half naked, aroused and with slightly swollen lips from kissing. He didn't want to share Carson. "but I wanted to talk to him and he just brushed it off."
"Rodney what did Carson say exactly? What did his face look like, his body expression?" Kate asked, hoping that Rodney would really think about what he saw. She knew that the two men loved each other and it gave her a certain measure of reassurance if they could work things out.
Rodney sighed. "He claimed that he and this guy were just friends." He rolled his eyes. "And then he send me this mail," he paused, trying to recall what exactly Carson had written. "He signed it with his last name."
"Rodney did you tell Carson that your feelings were hurt and that you're afraid of losing him. That you think he has feelings for another or did you say something differently?" Kate already knew the answer but wanted his perspective.
"Carson knows that I have a difficult relationship with this guy," Rodney said, his expression darkening. "He threatened to break my nose when I caught him with Carson the first time. Of course I told him, I don't want him to be around that guy."
Kate couldn't help but think men were blockheads. Now that wasn't a professional term but they all thought the same way. "So you walked up to Carson and said stay away from that guy because I said so?" she asked even as she visualized the scenario.
"Of course I didn't," Rodney clarified indignantly. "But I told him that I didn't like the guy, and that he threatened to do me harm. Just because I sleep with Carson doesn't mean I tell him what to do. Not that he would listen to me anyway."
"Is this what you told him yesterday in the infirmary?" Kate asked for clarification.
"No, I told him after the guy threatened to break my nose, and I told him a couple of times ever since," Rodney said. "I don't like the guy and he doesn't like me." He sighed. "I didn't trust him from the moment I met him." He frowned.
Kate listened to Rodney describe his relationship with his pseudo rival and it wasn't good. Of course it didn't help that Rodney felt somewhat inferior and that Carson could and was looking for better. "Rodney, when you told Carson that you didn't want them to be friends, what did he say? Did he simply dismiss your concerns or laugh at you?"
Rodney shook his head. "No, he didn't laugh. I know that they're friends, and," he sighed. "It's not that easy, Doctor." He scratched his head as he pondered his options. Yes, he had been jealous, but that wasn't all. He didn't trust Jackson, because the man was a clone of O'Neill. He hadn't liked the man before he even knew who he was. And he had to give Carson credit, he'd not simply brushed Rodney's concerns off. But he hadn't stayed away from the man either. "I didn't want him to hurt Carson."
Kate knew it wasn't easy but then love and relationships were hard work. "I know that you don't want Carson to be hurt because you care for him. Rodney when you talked to Carson, yesterday, how did he look? Did he seem receptive to you?" she prompted.
Rodney shrugged his shoulders. He'd been so upset about what he'd witnessed, he hadn't paid too much attention to how Carson looked. "Looked? As usual, I think. Maybe I was not exactly overly friendly when I talked to him, but after seeing him fingering this other guy's hair I wasn't exactly in a happy mood."
Kate nodded in understanding. "Do you think that he took your not overly friendly behavior to heart and that's were the Beckett signature came from?" she asked not dismissing his feelings but merely trying to come up with possible scenarios.
"I don't know," Rodney said hesitantly. He wasn't sure where she was going with that. "Are you saying it's my fault that he was annoyed?" If there was someone who had reason to be annoyed about the other man's behaviour, it was him. After all, Carson had been the one who'd misbehaved.
"No Rodney, I'm not saying it's your fault. You said that he only singed his name in his email to you. I got the impression that his distance and formality hurt you and I was simply throwing out a scenario as to why he might act that way," Kate explained. "We read each other's body language and couple that with what we hear. Sometimes, what we see or hear need to be questioned."
"I'm not so much upset about that signature," Rodney said. "I'm not happy about it either, but most of all I am not happy about catching him with this other guy." He sat back in his chair and folded his arms in front of his chest.
Kate could here the unspoken "so there" as she watched Rodney fold his arms over his chest. Leaning back in her own chair, she got comfortable. "So what's your plan? You caught him with a guy you don't like and now what?" Most likely Rodney would have to confront Carson and then it would have to go from there.
"Well, obviously he prefers this other guy's company over mine," Rodney said sulkily. "That's why he took him to *our* rooms last night." After they obviously had some fun in Jackson's quarters. "What I'm going to do?" He gave her a puzzled look. "Nothing. I didn't do anything wrong. I'll get my stuff from Carson's rooms and go back to mine."
"Rodney do you think your love is worth fighting for? Do you want to assert yourself as a person of worth?" Kate asked. If he truly did nothing initially then at some point an explosion would occur and it would be ugly.
Rodney frowned. "I, I don't know how," he admitted. "If Carson's rather with him what can I do?"
"Rodney, I think that talking to him is the way to go. Being honest about your feelings and fears while at the same time listening to what he has to say. If after that, nothing has changed about not being together, then you negotiate a way to work together," Kate explained.
Rodney released a big sigh. "I'm not very good with that sort of thing," he admitted. "I mean, talking." Most of his previous -- he hadn't even had relationships, they'd mostly been just affairs -- relationships had ended with silence. He hadn't even tried to figure out where things had gone wrong. If he was honest with himself, he'd known that trying to mend things wouldn't help the matter.
"Would you like to practice using me as Carson? Sometimes it helps if you an rehearse a conversation," Kate suggested. Maybe this would help his self esteem and get him thinking.
Kate felt that her day had been very productive so far. She was less tired and she'd been seeing patients right on schedule. Kate thought that maybe she'd even help a few of them. Of course, next on her list was Rodney and he could be tricky. It helped that she'd already talked to Carson so she had a small idea about at least something that was impacting Rodney. While she waited for him to arrive, she finished writing her thoughts about PTSD.
Rodney knew he was running late for his appointment with Heightmeyer. What had seemed like a good idea the previous day was an annoying obligation now. He wasn't sure if he wanted to talk. Well, maybe it couldn't hurt to talk about some things. The weird nightmares ever since the Wraith and the Worshippers attacked the city. But he certainly wouldn't talk about Carson. There was nothing to talk about, Rodney thought sulkily. He hesitated for a moment as he arrived at Heightmeyer's office. He discarded the idea to chicken out. He drew a deep breath to collect himself, then knocked at the door.
Kate heard the knock and smiled. She had wondered if Rodney would be late. He either would be reluctant to show up or he would want to maintain some kind of control. Kate thought the door open and gave Rodney a smile. "Rodney, please come in and make yourself comfortable," she said. She got up as well but waited until he picked his seat before she took hers. She wasn't one of those therapists that had a power seat, instead she let the client keep their power.
Rodney nodded at her as he entered the room. "Um, thanks." It confused him that she waited by the door, and with an inviting smile pointed towards the general direction of the chairs. He wasn't sure which one he was supposed to pick, after all it was her office. "Which one?" he asked, when she made no move to claim her chair. He turned around and gave her a puzzled look.
Kate heard the question and saw the look of puzzlement on Rodney's face. "Which ever one you want," she said, watching him take a seat before sitting across from him. She could see his nervousness even though he was trying to hide it. "How are you today?" she asked hoping to allay some of his fears. She wanted him to feel comfortable with her.
Rodney wasn't sure what this "pick whatever chair you please" was about and it unnerved him. He picked the chair with the view out of the window and shrugged as she asked him how he was. "Not bad, I guess," he said a little evasively.
Kate thought that Rodney was uncomfortable with her approach and that he wasn't telling the whole truth. She decided to be more direct. "What changes need to occur to make your day better than not bad?" she asked. She knew that he was tired, stressed and in the middle of his personal relationships melting down. She just didn't know what he thought about those concepts.
Rodney pondered the question with a frown.
He'd had to sleep in his cold bed because his lover, no - his previous best friend and ex-lover - had invited someone else into his rooms, and obviously in -- their -- bed. He got hit on by an Athosian who was on his team and he barely managed to fall asleep. He'd had nightmares and weird dreams. And when he finally managed to fall asleep, he'd been woken up at 4 am.
At least the reason wasn't such a bad one. They'd finally managed to find the gate address of the planet the Wraith held some of their people captive. At least this was their working hypothesis. He'd had a strenuous day in the lab, and worked his ass off with repairs and in about an hour he'd have to do kitchen duty with Carson. His day could only get better if the Wraith came back and took a couple more people, he thought sourly.
"I don't know," he shrugged. "If people would just let me do my work, and not constantly bother me, my day wouldn't be so bad at all."
Kate listened to his answer and thought it was a very nice side step to what she was asking. "I can imagine that with Radek unable to work, you are in high demand. The people that are making your work harder, are they your scientists or are they another group all together?" she asked, knowing that he could be referring to her and this session.
Rodney's expression darkened. Her question sounded pretty fishy. "Did Kavanagh complain about me?"
Kate was surprised at Rodney's response. "Dr. Kavanagh? If he did, then it would have been to someone other than me. Rodney, I'm asking about you and the people you identify as making your day more bad than good," she explained.
Rodney brooded over his reply. He didn't want to sound whiny. And he didn't want to give Carson - or Jackson - the satisfaction that he complained to the shrink about them. On the other hand, Heightmeyer had asked him, she was the one who brought up the topic. Being a cooperative patient he had to reply. "Carson," he growled.
"How is Carson impacting your day?" she asked. Kate knew what Carson said during his session but she wanted to know about Rodney's perspective. People could see things so differently that it was like they weren't even talking about the same thing and to add to the situation, he growled Carson's name.
"Well, one day he is telling me he wants to have children, and the next he is patting this guy's hair in a very obvious manner. When I confronted him, he gave me a lame explanation that they're just friends," Rodney explained, quite upset, making air-quotes as he said the word "friends" to underline he didn't buy that for one second.
"And later in the evening I caught them, with wet hair walking down the corridor. The other guy was walking funny, and they disappeared into our," Rodney stopped, then corrected himself. "Carson's rooms. And it doesn't take much imagination what they were up to that made this other guy walk funny." He snorted as he thought about how easily he'd been fooled by Carson.
Kate listened to Rodney's explanation and but didn't see anything that was obvious. "So you think Carson and this guy are lovers?" she asked.
Rodney nodded. "I bet they were all the time," he said. "I was just too stupid to notice."
"Rodney, I want you to tell me about Carson. Who he is, what he likes and what qualities he has or doesn't have?" Kate requested. She wasn't here to tell Rodney that his lover wasn't cheating but to ask him if it mattered either way. They were all stuck here together and if they wouldn't be as lovers they were still senior staff and had to work together.
Rodney shifted on his chair. "He can be very charming, if he wants to be," Rodney said gloomily, he wasn't in the mood to give Carson credit. Certainly not after seeing Carson with Jackson.
Kate listened to the misery that seemed to bleed through every fiber of Rodney's being. "Am I hearing you say, that Carson lied to you from the moment you met and that he manipulated you to his own betterment?" she asked, interested to see if Rodney would be insightful or stay stuck in anger and jealousy.
Rodney hesitated for a moment and unfolded his arms. As upset as he was about Carson, he found it hard to imagine, that Carson stringed him along all the time. "I can't really imagine Carson would do that," he said meekly. "But I know what I saw," he insisted.
Kate nodded in response to Rodney admission. "What exactly did you see? How would the timeline fit and more importantly where does Carson fit in your life now?" she asked, going for the hard questions.
Rodney frowned as he recalled the pictures. Carson patting Jackson's hair with an almost tender smile. Both men walking along the corridor, so intimately wrapped around each other. "I saw Carson pet his hair and give him that -- look. I caught them by accident when I wanted to talk to Carson in the infirmary. And it's not like that's the first time I caught them," Rodney added, remembering the evening he caught them red-handed in Carson's rooms.
It was a tough situation for Kate to be in but not an unfamiliar one. She had a good idea what Rodney was describing but couldn't clear anything up for him due to issues of confidentiality.
"Rodney when you say that you caught them, do you mean they were kissing or groping each other?" she asked. Kate wasn't sure if Rodney could recognize the difference between two friends being intimate versus two lover's being intimate aside from them having sex. She could imagine that Carson would hug most anyone, hold their hand and yes pat their hair after a horrible experience. She had a much harder time imaging Rodney being comfortable enough to do those things with anyone other than Carson.
Rodney snorted. "I'm probably not big on social graces, but even I know the difference between a concerned look at a patient versus a lovingly gaze followed by petting someone's hair," he explained and crossed his arms in front of his chest.
"And I know why people walk around funny." He cleared his throat and shifted on his chair, trying to ignore the blush he felt on his cheeks. "I mean, gay men," he added, gesturing with his hand. "Well, the one, um, who's um," he frowned, and cleared his throat again. "I think you know what I mean."
Kate did know what Rodney meant and could see some of what Carson had talked about. "I would think that if someone hurt their ankle they would walk funny whether they were gay or not. I also think that looks can be deceiving, however, this is about you. If you truly, in your heart, think Carson would sleep with another man and simply use you for his own good, what are you going to do about it? Can you work as members of the senior staff?" Kate challenged. She didn't think or at least she hoped that Rodney didn't think Carson was so callus.
"I guess I'd have to deal with it," Rodney mumbled, as he imagined himself dealing with the situation as presented to him. Carson being happy with Jackson and him receiving the people's malice. It wasn't a thought he liked. But on the other hand, as a genius he was used to rejection in personal relationships. "But I know what I saw," he insisted, sulkily pushing forward his lower lip.
Kate was worried about the fate of the senior staff with answers like that. She didn't think Rodney or Carson would do very well with an average break up let alone one that broke apart based on misunderstanding. "Rodney lets step back a bit, shall we? I'm guessing that you met Carson in Antarctica and that you were friends. Have you dated anyone else while on the project?" she asked hoping for a better perspective.
Rodney was about to answer in the negative, when he remembered the disastrous date he'd had with Ollie. "I, um, I once had a date with a woman," he said. "It didn't work out very well." His expression darkened as he relived the events of that evening. He'd felt awkward and it was more than embarrassing. And he didn't even kiss her. "She, um, died during the attack of the Wraith." Strangely, he hadn't missed her much. He hadn't even really known her. She hadn't been his type and under different circumstances he hadn't even dated her.
Kate watched Rodney's expression turn somber tinged with unease. She surmised that this wasn't a good topic for him. "Was it because she was a woman that it didn't work out or was there something else?" she asked unsure of his reaction to her question.
Rodney shifted uneasily on his chair. "I didn't even know I was gay until Carson, um," he gestured. "I suppose we didn't have too much in common," he said, then paused. "Um, Ollie, the woman I dated." But maybe that also was true for Carson and him, he pondered.
Kate knew the part about Carson being the first man that Rodney had dated and figured that he had an inkling of same sex attraction at some point in his life but repressed it. "Rodney what does it mean to you that you are attracted to a man?"
Rodney shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know," he said honestly. "I didn't think much about it. Before I met Carson." He hadn't questioned his orientation. And even now he wasn't sure he was actually gay. He wasn't turned on by guys per se. He liked Carson. "And it's not like I'm drooling over any next guy." He paused, carefully picking his words. "I liked Carson, we were friends. And then I, I realised there's more."
Kate processed his explanation. "How did you realize that you could be attracted to Carson? Was it as you became friends?" she asked. His answer would give her a good idea about his internal processing.
The blush on Rodney's cheeks intensified as he remembered how he'd shouted at Carson when he found out. "Keara told me Carson was in love with me," he said. He wasn't particularly proud of his actions. "I, um, didn't really take it well, and um, wasn't really nice the next time we were talking."
Kate remembered the nurse and was saddened to hear of her death. "So did you think that the friendship between you was fake? Just something Carson did to get in your pants so to speak?" Maybe he thought it then and never really stopped thinking it.
"I don't know," he admitted. He hoped it wasn't. "Do you think he would?" he asked anxiously. "I mean, we got along pretty well, and he never said a word until I confronted him with what Keara told me." He sighed. "But, while he supposedly was in love with me, he made out with this other guy, and if I hadn't caught them," Rodney paused and gave her a bitter smile.
"Ironically to apologise for shouting at him - who knows what might have happened that evening. I am not sure what to make of *that*. How can you claim to be in love with someone and then make out with someone else?"
Kate thought that they were valid questions. "No, I don't think Carson would pretend to be a your friend just to have sex with you. From a practical stand point, if he thought you were straight, then how would that work. You would never want him or even consider him sexually. He's also a pretty bad liar. As for why he would be with someone else, it's because he's human. Humans need comfort and care when they feel bad. If you lashed out at him and revoked your friendship then he would seek some kind of comfort from someone else. It would have nothing to do with his feelings for you and it may not have even started out as being sexual. Keep in mind though, that it often comes back to hurt you more often than not," she explained. People found what they thought was comfort only for it to compound their feeling of pain.
Rodney frowned at her explanation. "So you say that it's okay for him to make out with someone else when he feels bad?" He wasn't sure he liked that idea. But then, maybe that was just how gay guys were like. Sheppard and Radek did it too. He didn't feel the need to make out with the next guy, so that could only mean he wasn't really gay, Rodney wondered.
"No, I'm not saying that. What I'm saying is that when people feel hurt, confused or even scared they will seek comfort. It's not always sexual but it can turn into that even when the intent is not there. I can only imagine what it would feel like to be outed and be so to someone that I cared about who I knew did not return my feelings. I can imagine the fear, the grief and the sense of loss. I can't say what was going through his mind or what you said to him but I can imagine it was bad for both of you. Rodney do you think that gay men or bisexual men are, by nature, unfaithful?" she asked. Her gut said that he did.
Rodney pushed forward his lower lip defensively. "Well, from what I've seen, I can't really say they come across as overly celibate."
It hurt to think that Carson, no matter why, didn't want to be with him anymore. The way he acted towards Jack hadn't come across as purely platonic to him. He wanted to trust Carson, because if he was being honest with himself, he still cared for Carson. But he just couldn't deal with the fact that it wasn't the first time he caught Carson in such a situation with Jackson. For everybody else he could have accepted an excuse, accepted that it was just Carson caring for a friend, not just a patient, because Carson was that way. With Jackson it was much more than that and Rodney wasn't sure if he could deal with that.
Kate knew that the misconception about gay and bisexual men's sexual appetite. In truth, it was just that those men were having sex with men. Straight men know that they have to buy dinner or take a woman out to get sex more often than not. Gay men know that they don't necessarily have to do those same steps to get sex. That was the difference.
"Rodney from what I can tell, you went on a date with a woman and Carson made out with a guy. Both of those situation were before you started a relationship together. Should they be held against the both of you? What do you trust Carson about?" she asked. If Rodney didn't trust Carson then it didn't matter, not really, because the relationship had nothing to build on.
"This isn't about previous relationships," Rodney said. "It's not like I had a lot." He wasn't sure how to explain why he was so upset about Carson's behaviour.
"How would *you* feel if you found out that someone who claims to be in love with you, makes out with a person -- while they're supposed to be totally all over you? And how would you feel if you catch them late at night in the hallways, tightly wrapped around each other with wet hair? Carson claims he joined the expedition because he at least wanted to be around me, even if I never returned his feelings. I caught him making out with a guy and last night I caught them again. I just don't know what to feel about that anymore."
Things would be so much easier if he'd be able to deal with that like Radek or Sheppard. Look for someone to fuck away the pain and the last bit of feeling for Carson.
Kate thought about Rodney's question. "Initially I would be upset but then when I calmed down I would realize that it didn't necessarily mean anything. If I wanted to be with him, then I would need to deal with it and move on. As for the night in the hallway, did you ask Carson what was going on? Did you tell him how you were feeling?" she asked. This was going to end in tragedy if Rodney and Carson broke up due this situation with Jack.
"I confronted him in the infirmary yesterday, but he brushed it off," Rodney said. "And I was stupid enough to consider I might have been wrong when I was on the way home last night. But I caught them again. And there was absolutely no doubt what they'd been up to."
His expression darkened.
"And then he led him to *our* rooms." That was the bit that upset Rodney the most. They'd been going at it in Jackson's rooms, then relocated to Carson's and his rooms. Who knew what they'd been doing there. Probably baptised the sofa, Rodney thought gloomily.
"Rodney I would suggest that you talk to Carson about what you saw before you make any decisions. You fell in love with him for a reason and there are things about him that mean something to you. Make it a well thought out and livable decision because no matter what, the two of you will not be able to get space from one another," Kate advised. At this rate the wraith wouldn't have to worry because the expedition would implode.
"Hey, I wasn't the one who started this," Rodney pouted. "I'm not going to fold. After all he was the one who petted this *guy's* hair."
"What would you do if your situations were reversed and Carson thought you were being unfaithful? What would you want to happen?" she asked, hoping to spark that this wasn't about winning or losing but how much the relationship was worth. If Carson had been unfaithful, she would still ask him the same questions.
"I don't go around petting people," Rodney said angrily. "Besides, I," he hesitated. "I don't want anyone but Carson," he added softly. Why should he make out with another guy when he had Carson? "I'm not exactly a catch and I can't blame Carson if he got sick of me."
It saddened Kate that Rodney held himself in such low esteem. "Rodney what do you mean by saying that Carson got sick of you?"
Rodney shrugged his shoulders. "It's not a secret that I'm not exactly sociable. Maybe it's my own fault that Carson rather spends time with this other guy."
Kate knew that Rodney really believed what he was saying and that just made it worse. "Rodney, it would not be your fault if Carson was seeing someone else. It would be his and only his. However, I still think you should talk to him. If he came to this galaxy to just be near you, then it would stand to reason that he thinks you're a catch as well." Kate thought if the two men made it through this, then she would offer couples counseling.
There was some logic to Kate's words, Rodney thought. "Probably," he admitted slowly. Carson had taken a big risk to be close to him - without the slightest chance to be with him as a lover. He wanted Carson's words to be true, but he couldn't forget how he'd caught Carson and Jackson. Half naked, aroused and with slightly swollen lips from kissing. He didn't want to share Carson. "but I wanted to talk to him and he just brushed it off."
"Rodney what did Carson say exactly? What did his face look like, his body expression?" Kate asked, hoping that Rodney would really think about what he saw. She knew that the two men loved each other and it gave her a certain measure of reassurance if they could work things out.
Rodney sighed. "He claimed that he and this guy were just friends." He rolled his eyes. "And then he send me this mail," he paused, trying to recall what exactly Carson had written. "He signed it with his last name."
"Rodney did you tell Carson that your feelings were hurt and that you're afraid of losing him. That you think he has feelings for another or did you say something differently?" Kate already knew the answer but wanted his perspective.
"Carson knows that I have a difficult relationship with this guy," Rodney said, his expression darkening. "He threatened to break my nose when I caught him with Carson the first time. Of course I told him, I don't want him to be around that guy."
Kate couldn't help but think men were blockheads. Now that wasn't a professional term but they all thought the same way. "So you walked up to Carson and said stay away from that guy because I said so?" she asked even as she visualized the scenario.
"Of course I didn't," Rodney clarified indignantly. "But I told him that I didn't like the guy, and that he threatened to do me harm. Just because I sleep with Carson doesn't mean I tell him what to do. Not that he would listen to me anyway."
"Is this what you told him yesterday in the infirmary?" Kate asked for clarification.
"No, I told him after the guy threatened to break my nose, and I told him a couple of times ever since," Rodney said. "I don't like the guy and he doesn't like me." He sighed. "I didn't trust him from the moment I met him." He frowned.
Kate listened to Rodney describe his relationship with his pseudo rival and it wasn't good. Of course it didn't help that Rodney felt somewhat inferior and that Carson could and was looking for better. "Rodney, when you told Carson that you didn't want them to be friends, what did he say? Did he simply dismiss your concerns or laugh at you?"
Rodney shook his head. "No, he didn't laugh. I know that they're friends, and," he sighed. "It's not that easy, Doctor." He scratched his head as he pondered his options. Yes, he had been jealous, but that wasn't all. He didn't trust Jackson, because the man was a clone of O'Neill. He hadn't liked the man before he even knew who he was. And he had to give Carson credit, he'd not simply brushed Rodney's concerns off. But he hadn't stayed away from the man either. "I didn't want him to hurt Carson."
Kate knew it wasn't easy but then love and relationships were hard work. "I know that you don't want Carson to be hurt because you care for him. Rodney when you talked to Carson, yesterday, how did he look? Did he seem receptive to you?" she prompted.
Rodney shrugged his shoulders. He'd been so upset about what he'd witnessed, he hadn't paid too much attention to how Carson looked. "Looked? As usual, I think. Maybe I was not exactly overly friendly when I talked to him, but after seeing him fingering this other guy's hair I wasn't exactly in a happy mood."
Kate nodded in understanding. "Do you think that he took your not overly friendly behavior to heart and that's were the Beckett signature came from?" she asked not dismissing his feelings but merely trying to come up with possible scenarios.
"I don't know," Rodney said hesitantly. He wasn't sure where she was going with that. "Are you saying it's my fault that he was annoyed?" If there was someone who had reason to be annoyed about the other man's behaviour, it was him. After all, Carson had been the one who'd misbehaved.
"No Rodney, I'm not saying it's your fault. You said that he only singed his name in his email to you. I got the impression that his distance and formality hurt you and I was simply throwing out a scenario as to why he might act that way," Kate explained. "We read each other's body language and couple that with what we hear. Sometimes, what we see or hear need to be questioned."
"I'm not so much upset about that signature," Rodney said. "I'm not happy about it either, but most of all I am not happy about catching him with this other guy." He sat back in his chair and folded his arms in front of his chest.
Kate could here the unspoken "so there" as she watched Rodney fold his arms over his chest. Leaning back in her own chair, she got comfortable. "So what's your plan? You caught him with a guy you don't like and now what?" Most likely Rodney would have to confront Carson and then it would have to go from there.
"Well, obviously he prefers this other guy's company over mine," Rodney said sulkily. "That's why he took him to *our* rooms last night." After they obviously had some fun in Jackson's quarters. "What I'm going to do?" He gave her a puzzled look. "Nothing. I didn't do anything wrong. I'll get my stuff from Carson's rooms and go back to mine."
"Rodney do you think your love is worth fighting for? Do you want to assert yourself as a person of worth?" Kate asked. If he truly did nothing initially then at some point an explosion would occur and it would be ugly.
Rodney frowned. "I, I don't know how," he admitted. "If Carson's rather with him what can I do?"
"Rodney, I think that talking to him is the way to go. Being honest about your feelings and fears while at the same time listening to what he has to say. If after that, nothing has changed about not being together, then you negotiate a way to work together," Kate explained.
Rodney released a big sigh. "I'm not very good with that sort of thing," he admitted. "I mean, talking." Most of his previous -- he hadn't even had relationships, they'd mostly been just affairs -- relationships had ended with silence. He hadn't even tried to figure out where things had gone wrong. If he was honest with himself, he'd known that trying to mend things wouldn't help the matter.
"Would you like to practice using me as Carson? Sometimes it helps if you an rehearse a conversation," Kate suggested. Maybe this would help his self esteem and get him thinking.