Make It Go Away (1/1)
Title: Make It Go Away
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Jack Harkness/Ianto Jones
Prompt: 028 Children
Rating: PG, maybe
Summary: Make it go away, or make it better; isn’t that what love’s supposed to do?
Spoilers: None
Warnings: Angst.
Author's Notes: The song through the fic is Holly Cole’s utterly gorgeous ‘Make It Go Away’. Which I believe was featured in an episode of Due South. But don’t hold that against it. ;) Con crit welcomed, feedback loved and adored. For fanfic100
Make it go away
Sighing heavily, Ianto slumped down a little in his favourite chair, ice tinkling in the glass that he lifted to press against his forehead. Music played quietly in the background, the light from his stereo the only illumation in the room. A faint blue glow over everything, just enough for Ianto to see trails of moisture down the condensation on his glass, the clear ovals left by his fingertips.
He took a gulp of whisky, setting the glass down on the table beside him. The bottle of 12 year old Talisker sat waiting to be poured, and poured again. Letting his eyes close, just for a moment, his head fell back against the worn cushion. The music poured over him, surrounding him, filling him up. Quiet though it was, it was still enough to cover the sound of softly padding feet, a small hand touching his shoulder softly.
Make it go away, or make it better…
“Daddy?” A small figure climbed up into his lap, snuggling against a broad chest as a thumb crept into a gap-toothed mouth.
“Yes, pet?” Ianto smiled softly, raising his head and looking down at Nia. He gently combed his fingers through dark curls, sighing gently.
“Are you sad?” Blue eyes blinked sleepily up at him, the bright splash of colour across her pyjamas seeming jarring in the dim light, the dim mood of the room.
“I’m just thinking, Nia.” He murmured, trying to smile a little broader.
“About mam.” It wasn’t a question, this time. Nia had an uncanny way of knowing. Ianto hesitated, then nodded slowly.
“Yes, about mam. Other things, too.” He smiled sadly. “Grown-up things that I hope you never have to worry about, my girl.” He heard the padding of Nia’s brother’s feet, reaching out an arm before Jack had even rounded the door. The twins never slept long alone. Jack climbed up beside his sister, and there was remarkably little argument before both were settled in his lap, tousled heads pressed against him, one on each shoulder.
Isn’t that what love’s supposed to do?
He turned his head, kissing both of them softly on the top of their heads, mirror images of each other as thumbs crept into sleepy mouths, eyes drifting shut. He sat with them for a long while, cd skipping back to the beginning, the song that had first plunged him into his introspective mood beginning again.
Slowly, he slid his arms underneath the twin’s sleeping bodies, standing, holding them close. He walked through to their bedroom, and then changed his mind. Tonight wasn’t a night for sleeping alone.
Carefully, he laid them down in the middle of his bed, smiling as they immediately curled in towards each other, hands reaching and holding until he could barely tell where one child ended and the other began.
He stripped off his clothes, pulling on pyjama trousers and a worn tshirt, gingerly sliding into bed with his children, before remembering that he’d left the cd playing next door. Debating leaving it on, he eventually got up again, kissing both the twins gently before walking next door. He managed to navigate his way around all the furniture in the dark, already half-asleep.
Make it go away, cause I am weak, and this is more than one should have to take…
Carefully removing the cd, returning it to its case, he switched off the stereo, plunging the room into total darkness, bar the streetlight just outside the window. He was totally unprepared, then, for a voice in the darkness.
“Been a long time since I heard that cd.” Whirling, Ianto reached for a gun that wasn’t there, peering into the darkness. He fumbled towards a lamp, switching it on. That voice was impossible. There was no way he could be here. Now. He blinked, cursing as he realised that he’d blinded himself, as well as the intruder.
Not an intruder.
“Jack…” Ianto was suddenly aware of the years that had passed; over a decade, now. Of how different he must look, worn down by command of Torchwood Three, by years of loss and pain and darkness. And of how Jack hadn’t aged a day.
“Ianto.” Jack smiled softly, stepping closer. An unfamiliar expression flickered across his face, just for a moment, and it took Ianto a second to realise that it was nervousness. Not something he was used to seeing in Captain Jack Harkness.
Ianto realised he hadn’t breathed since he switched on the light, not dared to move. His breath left his body in an audible sigh, body tense and trembling as Jack took another step towards him.
“It’s been a long time, Jack.” Calm, no accusation. Ianto was past that now.
I’m not angry, I’m not crying, I’m just in over my head…
“You look good.” Jack murmured. “Not quite the suit I was hoping for, but I guess my timing’s a little off…” His smile was soft still, melancholy dampening that bright expression. He tucked his hands into his pockets, coat pushed back in a practised movement that made Ianto’s chest ache with remembering.
“Just a little. I haven’t worn a suit in ten years.” Ianto crossed his arms over his body, hugging himself. Jack winced, looking down at the floor.
“Yeah. I’m-”
“Don’t Jack.” Ianto interrupted him, softly. “It’s happened.” He sat down on the arm of the chair he’d so recently got up from, tempted to pour himself another glass of scotch.
“How long has it been, for you?” He looked up at the other man, not looking any different from the day he’d left. Not unless you looked into his eyes. There was a contentment there that hadn’t been visible when Jack had been at Torchwood Three. And Ianto could never begrudge him that.
“Two years.” Jack replied, looking around. “May I?” He gestured to the sofa, sitting down at Ianto’s soft nod. “Doc wouldn’t let me come back any sooner. This close to the rift…” He gestured vaguely, but Ianto understood, and nodded.
“This close to the Rift, the vibrations through the rift would have triggered a timestorm if he’d come any closer to crossing his own timeline. Tosh thought that might happen.” He picked up the scotch, then, needing the courage if Jack was to ask after the team.
“Tosh…” Jack smiled softly. “How is-” He didn’t even finish his question, seeing the answer on Ianto’s face. His face fell, and he took a moment before speaking again.
“How did she die?”
“Saving the world.” Ianto managed to smile, taking a large sip of his drink. “About a year and a half ago, we got a capsule through the Rift. Before we got to it, some idiot had prised it open. Released a Centrassian nerve virus into the air. Tosh…she developed a cure, even once she’d been exposed to the gas. She was still working on it when…” He trailed off, looking down at his hands. “She gave us just enough to develop a vaccine before she died. Enough to save the rest of Cardiff, but not her.”
Ianto nearly jumped as a broad hand covered his, looking up to see Jack kneeling in front of him, eyes bright with tears.
This is not the way that you should see me, this is not the face I recognize…
“Ianto, I’m so sorry.” Jack whispered, guilt twisting his features. “I should’ve-”
“You weren’t to know, sir.” Ianto interrupted him, shaking his head. “And there was no way you could get back, in any case.” He set down his glass, trying not to tremble at the feel of Jack’s hand against his own.
“What about the others?” Jack asked at last, not moving away.
“Gwen rejoined the police force about three years ago.” He murmured. “Her and Rhys have got a kid, now. Gethin, a boy.” He smiled. “She’s the Torchwood liason officer. Makes sure we don’t get too many speeding tickets. Owen’s still here, unfortunately.” His smile turned a little wry.
“And still pouting that Tosh and Gwen preferred me being in charge.” He chuckled as Jack blinked in surprise, and then grinned brightly, laughing.
“Yeah, I’ll bet…” Jack shook his head. “Looks like you’ve done a good job, Ianto.” His voice was still soft and quiet, following Ianto’s lead. Looking up at Ianto, he fell silent, smile a little more hesitant now.
“And what about you?” He asked softly. “How are you, Ianto?” He reached up, cupping Ianto’s cheek with his hand, thumb gently tracing a faint scar that marred one cheekbone. Ianto’s eyes slipped half-closed, brow furrowed as a soft sound that was almost pained slipped from full lips.
It had been so long since he’d been touched so tenderly by anyone, or at least anyone above the age of five.
You could be the angel that stayed on my shoulder, when all the other angels left…
“Surviving.” He breathed, dragging his eyes open, looking down at Jack. Jack gazed deep into his eyes, questioningly. He found whatever he was looking for, rising up on his haunches, gently bringing their lips together. Ianto’s fingers curled around Jack’s wrists as broad hands held his face gently, the kiss soft and sweet and utterly breathtaking. Just as it always had been with Jack.
“Oh, my Ianto…” Jack whispered at last, leaning his forehead against Ianto’s as he broke the kiss. “You deserve so much more than that.” Slowly, he got to his feet, taking Ianto’s hand and tugging. Ianto followed as Jack led him to his bedroom, almost colliding as Jack froze in the doorway. Looking over Jack’s shoulder, he caught sight of the twins, fast asleep in the middle of his bed, covers bunched around their small bodies.
Should I lay my head down here for a moment, would you sing to me like I'm your child?
“My children.” Ianto murmured, leaning against the doorframe, suddenly so tired. “Nia, and Jack.” Jack turned to look at him sharply, mouth open.
“I chose Nia’s name, their mother chose Jack.” Ianto clarified, hint of a smile at the look of faint disappointment.
“And is she-?” Jack seemed almost afraid to ask the question.
“She was the reason Tosh was still working on a cure when she should have been in bed.” Any remnant of a smile faded from Ianto’s face, the memory of holding Lucy as the disease ravaged her body, wasting her away before his eyes, swimming bright and vivid in his vision.
Jack’s face almost visibly crumpled. So much pain for Ianto to bear. So much loss. He looked from Ianto to his children, able to see distinctive snub noses even from here, curls mussed from sleep, Nia and Jack clutching at each other, seeking out each other’s warmth in sleep. He watched as Ianto walked over to them, sitting down on the edge of the bed, petting his fingers through dark hair, smiling tenderly at them as they made sleepy noises of approval, snuggling closer.
Jack stirred enough to blink up at him sleepily, and Ianto bent to kiss his forehead, murmuring quietly in Welsh until he settled down. Standing, he walked back over to the other man, leading him out of his bedroom and gently closing the door.
Just make it go away or make it better, cause I would do either one for you…
Wordlessly, Jack drew Ianto into his arms, bending his head and kissing him softly.
“My Ianto.” He whispered. “My brave, broken Ianto.”
Ianto didn’t protest, leaning his head on Jack’s shoulder as the older man guided him close, tension draining slowly from his shoulders.
“How can you do it?” He murmured. “How did you stay sane?” His face was buried against Jack’s throat, voice slightly muffled as he spoke. “So much death, so much pain…” His body trembled, voice thick with over a decade of loss, of pain.
“You go on. Because they would want you to.” Jack lifted Ianto’s face from his shoulder, kissing him softly. “Because you’re loved, and needed, and anything else wouldn’t be enough.” Every move was gentle and soft, as he led Ianto to what he now realised was the twin’s bedroom, what was a spare room when he had known the younger man. Not so young, now.
He laid Ianto down on the nearest bed, shedding his coat and carefully hanging it on the back of the door. Sitting down at Ianto’s side, he kissed him again, drinking in the darkness, trying to push some of the light inside himself into Ianto.
Tonight you're, you're where I belong, well, you're everything right when I'm everything wrong…
Slowly, Ianto began to relax, arms rising to slide around Jack’s body, pull him close. He had never stopped loving this man, this glorious, destructive man. But now, he couldn’t even remember what that felt like. To love, without pain. To have, without losing. He didn’t even realise he was crying until Jack was wiping away silent tears, kissing each one away from his cheeks.
He hadn’t realised how cold he was, ‘til he had warm skin against his. He hadn’t realised how alone he was, until Jack was lying against him, gloriously warm and alive, and everything Ianto had thought he’d never have again. He hadn’t realised how he’d been waiting, even now. Waiting to be whole.
If you do this for me, well I will promise, I'll make it go away for you someday…
for the rest of my fanfic100 fics, see my Big Damn Table.
Fandom: Torchwood
Characters: Jack Harkness/Ianto Jones
Prompt: 028 Children
Rating: PG, maybe
Summary: Make it go away, or make it better; isn’t that what love’s supposed to do?
Spoilers: None
Warnings: Angst.
Author's Notes: The song through the fic is Holly Cole’s utterly gorgeous ‘Make It Go Away’. Which I believe was featured in an episode of Due South. But don’t hold that against it. ;) Con crit welcomed, feedback loved and adored. For fanfic100
Make it go away
Sighing heavily, Ianto slumped down a little in his favourite chair, ice tinkling in the glass that he lifted to press against his forehead. Music played quietly in the background, the light from his stereo the only illumation in the room. A faint blue glow over everything, just enough for Ianto to see trails of moisture down the condensation on his glass, the clear ovals left by his fingertips.
He took a gulp of whisky, setting the glass down on the table beside him. The bottle of 12 year old Talisker sat waiting to be poured, and poured again. Letting his eyes close, just for a moment, his head fell back against the worn cushion. The music poured over him, surrounding him, filling him up. Quiet though it was, it was still enough to cover the sound of softly padding feet, a small hand touching his shoulder softly.
Make it go away, or make it better…
“Daddy?” A small figure climbed up into his lap, snuggling against a broad chest as a thumb crept into a gap-toothed mouth.
“Yes, pet?” Ianto smiled softly, raising his head and looking down at Nia. He gently combed his fingers through dark curls, sighing gently.
“Are you sad?” Blue eyes blinked sleepily up at him, the bright splash of colour across her pyjamas seeming jarring in the dim light, the dim mood of the room.
“I’m just thinking, Nia.” He murmured, trying to smile a little broader.
“About mam.” It wasn’t a question, this time. Nia had an uncanny way of knowing. Ianto hesitated, then nodded slowly.
“Yes, about mam. Other things, too.” He smiled sadly. “Grown-up things that I hope you never have to worry about, my girl.” He heard the padding of Nia’s brother’s feet, reaching out an arm before Jack had even rounded the door. The twins never slept long alone. Jack climbed up beside his sister, and there was remarkably little argument before both were settled in his lap, tousled heads pressed against him, one on each shoulder.
Isn’t that what love’s supposed to do?
He turned his head, kissing both of them softly on the top of their heads, mirror images of each other as thumbs crept into sleepy mouths, eyes drifting shut. He sat with them for a long while, cd skipping back to the beginning, the song that had first plunged him into his introspective mood beginning again.
Slowly, he slid his arms underneath the twin’s sleeping bodies, standing, holding them close. He walked through to their bedroom, and then changed his mind. Tonight wasn’t a night for sleeping alone.
Carefully, he laid them down in the middle of his bed, smiling as they immediately curled in towards each other, hands reaching and holding until he could barely tell where one child ended and the other began.
He stripped off his clothes, pulling on pyjama trousers and a worn tshirt, gingerly sliding into bed with his children, before remembering that he’d left the cd playing next door. Debating leaving it on, he eventually got up again, kissing both the twins gently before walking next door. He managed to navigate his way around all the furniture in the dark, already half-asleep.
Make it go away, cause I am weak, and this is more than one should have to take…
Carefully removing the cd, returning it to its case, he switched off the stereo, plunging the room into total darkness, bar the streetlight just outside the window. He was totally unprepared, then, for a voice in the darkness.
“Been a long time since I heard that cd.” Whirling, Ianto reached for a gun that wasn’t there, peering into the darkness. He fumbled towards a lamp, switching it on. That voice was impossible. There was no way he could be here. Now. He blinked, cursing as he realised that he’d blinded himself, as well as the intruder.
Not an intruder.
“Jack…” Ianto was suddenly aware of the years that had passed; over a decade, now. Of how different he must look, worn down by command of Torchwood Three, by years of loss and pain and darkness. And of how Jack hadn’t aged a day.
“Ianto.” Jack smiled softly, stepping closer. An unfamiliar expression flickered across his face, just for a moment, and it took Ianto a second to realise that it was nervousness. Not something he was used to seeing in Captain Jack Harkness.
Ianto realised he hadn’t breathed since he switched on the light, not dared to move. His breath left his body in an audible sigh, body tense and trembling as Jack took another step towards him.
“It’s been a long time, Jack.” Calm, no accusation. Ianto was past that now.
I’m not angry, I’m not crying, I’m just in over my head…
“You look good.” Jack murmured. “Not quite the suit I was hoping for, but I guess my timing’s a little off…” His smile was soft still, melancholy dampening that bright expression. He tucked his hands into his pockets, coat pushed back in a practised movement that made Ianto’s chest ache with remembering.
“Just a little. I haven’t worn a suit in ten years.” Ianto crossed his arms over his body, hugging himself. Jack winced, looking down at the floor.
“Yeah. I’m-”
“Don’t Jack.” Ianto interrupted him, softly. “It’s happened.” He sat down on the arm of the chair he’d so recently got up from, tempted to pour himself another glass of scotch.
“How long has it been, for you?” He looked up at the other man, not looking any different from the day he’d left. Not unless you looked into his eyes. There was a contentment there that hadn’t been visible when Jack had been at Torchwood Three. And Ianto could never begrudge him that.
“Two years.” Jack replied, looking around. “May I?” He gestured to the sofa, sitting down at Ianto’s soft nod. “Doc wouldn’t let me come back any sooner. This close to the rift…” He gestured vaguely, but Ianto understood, and nodded.
“This close to the Rift, the vibrations through the rift would have triggered a timestorm if he’d come any closer to crossing his own timeline. Tosh thought that might happen.” He picked up the scotch, then, needing the courage if Jack was to ask after the team.
“Tosh…” Jack smiled softly. “How is-” He didn’t even finish his question, seeing the answer on Ianto’s face. His face fell, and he took a moment before speaking again.
“How did she die?”
“Saving the world.” Ianto managed to smile, taking a large sip of his drink. “About a year and a half ago, we got a capsule through the Rift. Before we got to it, some idiot had prised it open. Released a Centrassian nerve virus into the air. Tosh…she developed a cure, even once she’d been exposed to the gas. She was still working on it when…” He trailed off, looking down at his hands. “She gave us just enough to develop a vaccine before she died. Enough to save the rest of Cardiff, but not her.”
Ianto nearly jumped as a broad hand covered his, looking up to see Jack kneeling in front of him, eyes bright with tears.
This is not the way that you should see me, this is not the face I recognize…
“Ianto, I’m so sorry.” Jack whispered, guilt twisting his features. “I should’ve-”
“You weren’t to know, sir.” Ianto interrupted him, shaking his head. “And there was no way you could get back, in any case.” He set down his glass, trying not to tremble at the feel of Jack’s hand against his own.
“What about the others?” Jack asked at last, not moving away.
“Gwen rejoined the police force about three years ago.” He murmured. “Her and Rhys have got a kid, now. Gethin, a boy.” He smiled. “She’s the Torchwood liason officer. Makes sure we don’t get too many speeding tickets. Owen’s still here, unfortunately.” His smile turned a little wry.
“And still pouting that Tosh and Gwen preferred me being in charge.” He chuckled as Jack blinked in surprise, and then grinned brightly, laughing.
“Yeah, I’ll bet…” Jack shook his head. “Looks like you’ve done a good job, Ianto.” His voice was still soft and quiet, following Ianto’s lead. Looking up at Ianto, he fell silent, smile a little more hesitant now.
“And what about you?” He asked softly. “How are you, Ianto?” He reached up, cupping Ianto’s cheek with his hand, thumb gently tracing a faint scar that marred one cheekbone. Ianto’s eyes slipped half-closed, brow furrowed as a soft sound that was almost pained slipped from full lips.
It had been so long since he’d been touched so tenderly by anyone, or at least anyone above the age of five.
You could be the angel that stayed on my shoulder, when all the other angels left…
“Surviving.” He breathed, dragging his eyes open, looking down at Jack. Jack gazed deep into his eyes, questioningly. He found whatever he was looking for, rising up on his haunches, gently bringing their lips together. Ianto’s fingers curled around Jack’s wrists as broad hands held his face gently, the kiss soft and sweet and utterly breathtaking. Just as it always had been with Jack.
“Oh, my Ianto…” Jack whispered at last, leaning his forehead against Ianto’s as he broke the kiss. “You deserve so much more than that.” Slowly, he got to his feet, taking Ianto’s hand and tugging. Ianto followed as Jack led him to his bedroom, almost colliding as Jack froze in the doorway. Looking over Jack’s shoulder, he caught sight of the twins, fast asleep in the middle of his bed, covers bunched around their small bodies.
Should I lay my head down here for a moment, would you sing to me like I'm your child?
“My children.” Ianto murmured, leaning against the doorframe, suddenly so tired. “Nia, and Jack.” Jack turned to look at him sharply, mouth open.
“I chose Nia’s name, their mother chose Jack.” Ianto clarified, hint of a smile at the look of faint disappointment.
“And is she-?” Jack seemed almost afraid to ask the question.
“She was the reason Tosh was still working on a cure when she should have been in bed.” Any remnant of a smile faded from Ianto’s face, the memory of holding Lucy as the disease ravaged her body, wasting her away before his eyes, swimming bright and vivid in his vision.
Jack’s face almost visibly crumpled. So much pain for Ianto to bear. So much loss. He looked from Ianto to his children, able to see distinctive snub noses even from here, curls mussed from sleep, Nia and Jack clutching at each other, seeking out each other’s warmth in sleep. He watched as Ianto walked over to them, sitting down on the edge of the bed, petting his fingers through dark hair, smiling tenderly at them as they made sleepy noises of approval, snuggling closer.
Jack stirred enough to blink up at him sleepily, and Ianto bent to kiss his forehead, murmuring quietly in Welsh until he settled down. Standing, he walked back over to the other man, leading him out of his bedroom and gently closing the door.
Just make it go away or make it better, cause I would do either one for you…
Wordlessly, Jack drew Ianto into his arms, bending his head and kissing him softly.
“My Ianto.” He whispered. “My brave, broken Ianto.”
Ianto didn’t protest, leaning his head on Jack’s shoulder as the older man guided him close, tension draining slowly from his shoulders.
“How can you do it?” He murmured. “How did you stay sane?” His face was buried against Jack’s throat, voice slightly muffled as he spoke. “So much death, so much pain…” His body trembled, voice thick with over a decade of loss, of pain.
“You go on. Because they would want you to.” Jack lifted Ianto’s face from his shoulder, kissing him softly. “Because you’re loved, and needed, and anything else wouldn’t be enough.” Every move was gentle and soft, as he led Ianto to what he now realised was the twin’s bedroom, what was a spare room when he had known the younger man. Not so young, now.
He laid Ianto down on the nearest bed, shedding his coat and carefully hanging it on the back of the door. Sitting down at Ianto’s side, he kissed him again, drinking in the darkness, trying to push some of the light inside himself into Ianto.
Tonight you're, you're where I belong, well, you're everything right when I'm everything wrong…
Slowly, Ianto began to relax, arms rising to slide around Jack’s body, pull him close. He had never stopped loving this man, this glorious, destructive man. But now, he couldn’t even remember what that felt like. To love, without pain. To have, without losing. He didn’t even realise he was crying until Jack was wiping away silent tears, kissing each one away from his cheeks.
He hadn’t realised how cold he was, ‘til he had warm skin against his. He hadn’t realised how alone he was, until Jack was lying against him, gloriously warm and alive, and everything Ianto had thought he’d never have again. He hadn’t realised how he’d been waiting, even now. Waiting to be whole.
If you do this for me, well I will promise, I'll make it go away for you someday…
for the rest of my fanfic100 fics, see my Big Damn Table.