Not entirely certain what help you are looking for, since this is looking fairly complete. One note, though, from the final verse, you say, "Kindred, three, we pay honour to Thee." I know that you are trying to rhyme the word 'three,' but 'thee' is a singular term. 'Ye' would be a better usage, to keep the like saying the same thing. Another suggestion might be "Kindred, all, for you we stand tall / In reverence and fullness of love..."
I'll see how it feels when sung. I may end up just putting in "ye" which is the plural form and rhymes fine, because I like the reference to "three." Makes it druid-y, you know?
Thank you for your help! Please send me any more suggestions you come up with!
I've sang it through a few times (not your tune obviously) and I love it more and more each time, especially the second verse. I was taken aback at first by the similarity to our other cosmological songs, especially the first line, but that is our ritual imagery and language and I was put at ease by the third and fourth lines. The wording of the sixth line seems a bit odd to me, perhaps it's just "the", I thought "with" might work but perhaps not. I have mixed feeling about "the Gods fan the flames" it provides a beautiful lift in the score but I'm not in love with the imagery. Love love love the first line of the second verse. The third, fourth and fifth lines are beautiful as well. I sing the chorus totally wrong, starting with "to the holy ones, sing, sing, sing" "sing we now the Kindred, sing, sing, sing" etc. Backward, but that's because I don't know the tune. Height and high in the descant seem redundant to me but perhaps it's meant to be. I can't wait to hear it!
The sixth line used to say "oil and spirits," but I couldn't find a replacement for "spirit" in the seventh line. It's one of those lines that I kinda just got used to singing as written. Stupid placeholder lyric doesn't want to relinquish it's space. :P
"Fan the Flames" is actually a play on some of my other works, though I don't know if any of that stuff has ever hit my lj....certainly not ADF. It's hard to get anything new out there, you know?
Finally, the lyrics for the descant part are really really placeholders. I have been singing it scat until last night when I stuck these in there. Wish you lived closer so we could go over it in song!!!
Thanks again, for your feedback. I'll work on your suggestions a bit and see what I come up with. *HUGS*
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I'll see how it feels when sung. I may end up just putting in "ye" which is the plural form and rhymes fine, because I like the reference to "three." Makes it druid-y, you know?
Thank you for your help! Please send me any more suggestions you come up with!
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The sixth line used to say "oil and spirits," but I couldn't find a replacement for "spirit" in the seventh line. It's one of those lines that I kinda just got used to singing as written. Stupid placeholder lyric doesn't want to relinquish it's space. :P
"Fan the Flames" is actually a play on some of my other works, though I don't know if any of that stuff has ever hit my lj....certainly not ADF. It's hard to get anything new out there, you know?
Finally, the lyrics for the descant part are really really placeholders. I have been singing it scat until last night when I stuck these in there. Wish you lived closer so we could go over it in song!!!
Thanks again, for your feedback. I'll work on your suggestions a bit and see what I come up with. *HUGS*
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