(no subject)

[a_jade_phoenix]

Who: Harry and Remus
What: Catching up
When: Weds. 2/8 evening
Where: Lily, Sirius and Remus' house
Rating: TBD
Status: Incomplete



Harry should have told Snape first. Really. It was the polite thing to do, and after having him put up with Harry as a semi-hormonal girl, who wasn't getting laid thanks to clever improper tubing, he thought maybe it would have been a nice gesture. That didn't stop him from Apparating straight to his mum's doorstep the moment he took notice that his breasts were thankfully gone. He had to know. If Remus was the one he'd known, the normal one, then he'd be happy-er.

Rolling his shoulders in a weak attempt to loosen his ever stiffening muscles, he gave himself a second before knocking firmly on the door.

Remus had been reading in the front parlor to avoid the other two residents of the house when someone knocked on the door. He looked up from his book, suddenly unsure of whether or not he could get the door. It was his house; Lily had said so. He rose and opened the door, expecting someone he didn't know to be standing outside it.

It was Harry.

He stared. Harry was not exactly the boy he had left in the Wizarding World, a few years older, a few years wiser, but he was essentially the same, Remus thought, and there was something terribly comforting about that because nothing else seemed to be the same. He smiled. "Hello, Harry. Come in."

Grin a bit daft, Harry stepped into the now familiar home his mother shared with the only two adults who had ever attempted to be something remotely close to paternal. It was strange, but nice, very nice, to see Remus looking exactly as he'd last seen him. Except not dead, Harry thought that was the best part about it. He could deal with a lot of things, but having the odd parody of his former mentor the last Remus had been as a comparison, this was maddeningly brilliant.

"Thanks." An awkward silence filled the space between them with Harry torn between mentioning something utterly inane, or tossing his arms around the man and hugging him like they were both about to die again.

"You've grown," Remus said. He hugged Harry. "And you're alive. Thank goodness you're alive."

He was smiling like a lunatic, but if Harry were here, it could only mean one thing. "You saved the world, didn't you? I knew you would. You didn't need our help, never did." He held Harry at arms' length like a proud mum. He had wished the entire time he had been dead that he might have at least seen that Harry had lived. Well, he could die happy now, not that he planned to any time soon.

Harry ducked his head at the unexpected comment. Others had pointed it out to him, Snape included, but this was different, this was what Harry thought meeting people again after a lost period of time ought to be like and his arms were around Remus' back before he knew what was happening. He choked on his own laughter as Remus rambled on and only shook his head when he was forced backward.

"I really did." He worried his lower lip. For a moment, he wanted to ask what Remus remembered about being dead. If he, like his mum and Sirius, couldn't remember those last few minutes before Harry died, but he couldn't think of a proper way to bring it up. It wasn't something you just slipped into a gleeful conversation, and he needed the happy conversation. He needed it in ways he couldn't understand.

"That's- that's brilliant," Remus said with schoolboy enthusiasm. He tried to imagine the Wizarding World as it might have been once Harry had saved it: happy, free from fear, liberated. He couldn't. He had never lived in a world like that, though he had seen brief glimpses of it during the years between the war. They had always been a little bit hunted. None of them could quite believe.

He refused to think that it had still been like that. It would have been perfect. Harry deserved it.

"I can't believe you've left your mum alone with a horrible old bachelor like Sirius," Remus said, trying to sound cheerful. "Young bachelor. I'm going to keep forgetting." He tried to laugh. Harry, at least, would be able to explain the relationship between the two of them. They were the same age (or nearly the same) and the idea of Sirius in his twenties living in a house with someone and not pursuing anything was almost laughable.

"It was," Harry agreed, thinking on the four years of absolute back-breaking work that went into fixing every bloody problem thrown up against the Ministry. Not to mention a months worth of funerals and memorials, rebuilding Hogwarts and accidentally twisting his ankle a week before he was supposed to start training for the Aurors. For all of that though, it had been the single most amazing few years of Harry's life, because he was choosing what to do with it.

And all and all, he thought he'd chosen pretty well.

Remus' face was lit with some inner joy that Harry thought he might have shared after he'd woken up from a week long nap, but couldn't be sure. It was only when Sirius was brought up that the air became tight again.

"Whatever you're thinking about them, please stop." Because the idea was a bit nauseating really. His mum and Sirius? They got on, from what Harry had seen, but it was in a way he and Seamus and Dean got on. A friend, not particularily close, but close enough that embarrassing shit could be brought up with ease. "Mum found some bloke named Lee a few months back. He's...well, he left, right around the time you and a whole lot of other people did."

Remus laughed with relief. "Oh, good. You never know, though. I mean, they were never really got on, I suppose, but when people are thrown together-" He waved vaguely in the air as though they weren't discussing the fairly serious matter of Harry's mum and Remus's once-upon-a-time boyfriend being a couple. Remus wasn't sure which of them was more relieved.

He was about to ask if Sirius had mentioned him in the way you did when you were talking about old friends, but he had been there in a way. Besides, Harry had never known. Sirius hadn't wanted to tell him, and Remus had always preferred to do the easy thing and lie. Lying had always been easy when it was something Harry didn't particular want to know, and who wanted to hear that his godfather was banging his former professor when they probably looked wizened and ancient to him? No one wanted to hear that.

"I'm sorry. Sit down, sit down. Can I get you something to drink? Or eat? I'm sure I can find something in the fridge."

Harry stared at Remus for a second longer than possibly strictly necessary under the circumstances, before thinking maybe it would be best for all parties if he put an end to this sham. It was for the greater good of their conversation, at least that's what Harry tried to tell himself. "I know, Remus," Harry said, pushing as much assurance into those three words as he could. He wasn't really sure there was a better way to bring up the fact that you know your godfather and ex-professor are having it off in their spare time, or that he wasn't particularily fussed about it, and if he was, he ought to have decayed fruit and veg lobbed at his hypocritical face. "It's--I know," he repeated lamely.

He cast his eyes elsewhere as he took a seat on the sofa, suppressing the urge to drag his feet up onto the cushion. "Tea, I guess, would be nice."

Remus froze, halfway to settling his book more comfortably on the chair he had left. I know. He knew what? No. No, he didn't know. No, Sirius had not told him. How could he? Remus hadn't been there- Of course, he had. It had been twenty-year-old Sirius and young-Remus, and they had probably- Harry had probably not minded it until now.
"I'm sorry?" Remus said lightly as though he had nothing to hide. Nothing at all. After all, he was married. They had been young (and, all right, older later, but mostly they had been young).

He went gratefully off to the kitchen to set water to boil.

"Huh." Harry watched Remus disappear, leaving him alone in the kitchen for maybe thirty seconds before joining him. "If I'm no longer allowed to wallow, neither are you," he cheerfully pointed out. It was hard, not wallowing, most days, until he realized all the crap that'd happened in the last year alone was still not the worse thing that happened in his life. And he sure as hell bet it wasn't Remus' worst experience either.

Possibly most embarrassing though, which Harry found unreasonably funny. He hopped up onto the bare countertop beside the stove, swinging his feet idly. "Do you love him?" Because that was what Harry found important. It really was the only thing that mattered.

Remus pulled out two cups as he heard Harry come in. Tea was the one thing he didn't have trouble making because he had already made himself a cup. "I'm not wallowing," he said. "I stopped a long time ago. It's hard to go back to- Well, this. I mean, I'm married. I have a son. You know that." Sirius didn't. Well, he did. This Sirius did.

Whatever he had been thinking stopped when Harry came out with that: do you love him? Remus just barely stopped himself from asking who Harry was talking about. Sirius. Twenty four years old. No, Remus thought. Not particularly. "I don't know anymore," he said, knowing Harry would assume it was a lie. He didn't have a better answer.

Exhaling softly, Harry slid off the counter. He wanted to believe that was a lie, but again, pot kettle. It would be stupid to say it. How many months did it take him to answer with something other than 'I don't know'? Too many. Harry amused himself with the thought that it seemed he and Remus were pathetically similar in all the self-destructive ways. No wonder they fought so much.

"Yeah, I do," he murmured, reaching for one of the cups of tea. He needed to fiddle with something. It might as well be something tasty. His thoughts drifted back to his own home where Teddy was finally smiling freely again and not casting doubtful looks in Harry's direction when he thought Harry wouldn't notice. Teddy was too damn smart for his age, even if he rarely acted that way. "Teddy's brilliant, you know."

Harry winced, taking a sip to mask the disgruntled expression on his face.

Remus hoped that it was clear that the topic was no longer up for discussion. He gulped down some of his tea and tried to think about something else. Harry provided something that almost completely derailed Remus from his obsessive ruminations on the situation with Sirius or the man Sirius had been or become or- Teddy. Teddy was here. Yes, Lily had said that, too. He stared at Harry. "What are you doing with my son?" It was only after he said it that he realized how hostile it had sounded, and he added, trying to make up for it, "I mean, what happened to Nymphadora?"

And then he realized, but was unable to believe it. He set his tea down before he spilled it. His hands were shaking. No. "Please don't say she's-" She couldn't be. She couldn't be. She had been so young and so alive, and hadn't he told her that he would only hurt her? He had told her, and, oh, Merlin, no, she had to be alive. He slumped over the counter, pressing his hands over his eyes, his lips forming words but no sound coming out.

No.

"No."

Harry gritted his teeth and bowed his head. He'd almost forgotten that Remus had finally come around to wanting Teddy. Almost. Almost...He frowned deeply at the next question, unprepared for it, but that was nothing in comparison to the gut twisting feeling he got when Remus caught up with his own implication and shattered. Harry made an aborted move to wrap his arms around Remus. He couldn't just stand there.

Uncertainly, he set a hand on Remus' shoulder, afraid to speak and say the wrong thing. Things had to get better, not worse.

Remus didn't want to cry in front of Harry -hardly what the poor boy needed- but fuck. His wife- Oh, Merlin. She had been so young. She had been young and beautiful and alive, and he had loved to watch her every morning as she got ready to go to work. He would make breakfast and she would kiss him goodbye and go off to work and then- Teddy.

He had told her that it was horrible and selfish and that there was an obvious course of action that they had to take to be responsible and what had she been thinking going to fight? because he had told her, hadn't he? He had told her that she should stay home for Teddy's sake, but she was too stubborn and selfish like she had always been to listen to him, and now Teddy was with Harry of all people, and Remus didn't know what to think, and he had told her that he was too dangerous, hadn't he? He had told her no. No no no. No to marriage, no to babies, no to domestic bliss, no no no. He, Remus Lupin, wasn't going to make anyone else miserable.

Which was naturally how he had ended up bringing one more orphan into the world.

And that was when he realized that he was sobbing. Oh, sod it all.

Harry hadn't known it was possible to feel scummier, or stupider, than he did right then. God, he was a moron. He hadn't meant to make Remus cry. The last time he'd done that, he'd meant for it to happen. He had to push forcefully for even a single bloody tear and now...This Remus was so much different. This Remus was the one Harry'd known in life. The real one. The one who could rightfully make him feel like crap. He gripped Remus' shoulder tighter, tugging him around, not so much so he could see his face, but to hug him. He ought to have done this right off.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled. If he knew what part of all of this he was apologizing for, he could feel better about saying it. "I shouldn't have said anything."

Harry wasn't sure that was the right thing to say either. Remus needed to know. Teddy knew, and Harry wasn't going to keep Teddy away from Remus, at least not this version.

He had to stop thinking like that.

Remus hugged him back, clinging to Harry as if he were the only thing keeping Remus standing (which might have been more or less true). She must have been dead for years. Probably as long as he had been. Teddy probably wouldn't remember either of them anymore or at least not as more than a vague idea that, once, there had been a pair of people who had loved him.

And now there was Harry.

Well, Remus thought, if anyone knew how an orphaned boy should be treated, Harry would. Remus might not have picked him as the most stable or the most mature of guardians, but Harry would have seen to it that Teddy never wanted for anything and never felt uncared for and Merlin bless him for that.

He rubbed at his cheeks, trying to dry them. "No, I'm sorry. It isn't as though you- and I would've found out after all and here I am-" He gestured widely as if he couldn't think of the right word for sobbing over his wife's death. "-I'm sure it's the last thing you need."

Shaking his head, Harry found it hard to explain exactly why he needed to see that without sounding insulting about it. He kept quiet on his feelings, and instead blurted out the pat answer, "It's all right."

Harry summoned a box of tissues from the other room, grabbing a fistful of them and holding them up to Remus. "Er...here."

He was sure his mum wouldn't mind her tissues being used for a worthy cause.

Remus rubbed at his eyes. "Thanks, Harry." He crumpled the tissue, but held on to it. He had a feeling he might need it again.

"How's Teddy?" he said, looking hopefully at Harry. He wasn't sure what he wanted Harry to tell him. He wanted Teddy to be fine. He wanted to go back to a sunlit apartment, to happy days, to a tiny pudgy baby with blue hair. But Sirius was here. Sirius was here, and Sirius made Remus-

He wanted to use the word "happy," but he knew that wasn't fair to Teddy. Oh, fuck. Happy. He knew that Sirius wouldn't have the slightest interest in Teddy. Remus didn't want to think about it.

"He's..." Harry stopped himself before he could sound like a nutty parrot. He sucked in his lower lip and bit down as he thought, really, about how Teddy was. Teddy was a lot of things, Harry realized, not entirely unsurprised. He was quick, curious, insane, four. Teddy was four. That summed it up fairly nicely, Harry thought. "Turning five in a few days."

Remus stared at him. Five? He was turning five. Teddy wouldn't remember him. Five? "Are you-" Remus stopped himself before he asked if Harry was sure. "How long have you been caring for him?" he asked, trying to keep emotion out of his voice. Harry had had his son for five years. Remus had been dead for five years. Nymphadora had been dead. Teddy had been an orphan. It seemed too unreal.

"Let's sit first." A tiny corner of Harry's heart ached at the aborted question. It had been so obvious in Remus' startled gaze. His mum should have the photo album he gave her laying about. There were so many pictures in there of Teddy. Harry didn't think it could hurt any worse to have the visual evidence. He pulled out a chair and then dropped into the next available one.

"We got here last February, so, just over a year now."

Harry twirled his wand between his palms. It'd been about a year since Teddy stopped asking for his Nan too. Unhurriedly, he flicked his wand to summon the photo album from wherever his mother stored it. A few seconds later it was lying between them on the table.

Remus settled onto the chair, trying to put it all together. It just seemed so impossible that they had kept on living without him. He felt like- Well, like Lily must have felt. His little boy, barely a month old, with tufts of turquoise hair and a giggle that made his mother smile. He had grown up. He was five. He wouldn't remember Remus. He wouldn't remember his mother. Hell, Remus had moments when he-

But that was different.

Remus considered for a moment. There was something about that "we." It wasn't just Harry and Teddy, was it? Remus decided that he didn't want to know. He wanted Teddy to be safe and happy with Harry because, hell, Teddy wouldn't have the slightest idea who he was. Unless- "Did he meet the other, uh, mes when they were here?" Does he know who I am?

"He did. We told him you were a, well, we told him you were a friend." Harry frowned down at the album even as he flipped it open toward the back and began to flip the pages in the opposite direction. He'd find the first one of Teddy. The one Remus would recognize and then hand it over for him to look through. He paused, eyes flickering between the page of photos he stopped on and Remus' face.

"We didn't want to confuse him more. He barely understands why any of us are here to begin with. It wouldn't be fair."

Harry turned the heavy photo album around and pushed it over to Remus so he could see.

"You told him-" Remus was torn between self-righteous fury and a sense of relief that Harry was, in fact, keeping Teddy's best interests at heart. He wouldn't know Remus then, but at least, he didn't think of anyone else as his father. He looked at Harry. He looked at the baby photo of Teddy.

Fuck.

If the bastard had told his son that- No, Harry wouldn't lie to Teddy. He wasn't that sort of person. Harry knew what being lied to as a child felt like; he wouldn't inflict it on anyone else. Slowly and purposefully, Remus began to flip through the pages of photos. "He looks- very happy."

Harry peered over the top of the book. He had been the one to take a lot of those photos. Not all of them, but enough for him to know exactly what it was Remus saw when flipping through those pages. What he didn't know was what Remus was thinking. It was the one thing Harry really needed to know as well.

"A lot of these were taken back in England at Andy's house."

Well, there was one from the zoo. Harry was rather fond of that picture.

Remus shut the album. It was hard to look at the photographs. He pretended to be looking at a painting on the wall to mask blinking back tears. He forced himself to open the album again out of courtesy to Harry and flipped quickly through the last few pages. He was about to shut it again and comment on how well Harry had raised Teddy (as though he knew) when he saw it.

There was a photo of Snape and Teddy. They looked happy. Severus Snape and Teddy. Teddy Remus Lupin. Remus's son. With Severus Snape. He put his finger on the photo. "Harry-" His voice sounded peculiarly harsh. He coughed. Lily had said he was alive, had said he was here. He must have forgotten. How could he have forgotten that a dangerous criminal- "Are you friends with- Severus?"

"Uh," Harry stammered, color draining from his face. He had forgotten that one. He swallowed against the nervous knot in his throat. This wasn't a conversation he even entertained the thought of having when he'd come over to see if Remus was actually back. Maybe after a few weeks or so, but not the first night.

"Yes." Although, even that answer wasn't entirely truthful. It was hard to say what he and Severus were. They had been shaky for so long, Harry was just following breadcrumbs to try and keep things going normally. He ran his fingers back through his hair, shoving it off his forehead as he sighed. Remus always made him think. At least that never changed.

Remus stared at him for a moment. He tried to find words. He failed to find words. "Harry, I know it's hard for you, but-" No, no, that wasn't right. "Severus isn't exactly-" No. Nicely. He had to put it-

"He killed Albus, and you watched him do it. How can you- How can he even-" Remus threw up his hands. Snape wasn't the sort of person who had the decency to feel shame. Of course not. He had tricked them all, hadn't he? Remus, Albus, all the order. They had all been lulled into a false sense of security. "He's a murderer, Harry."

"I know." Harry clutched the edge of the table. He knew better than all of them really. Even Remus. If Dumbledore were here, well, then maybe he wouldn't, but at the moment he kept Severus' secrets, ones he was sure Severus wished he could take back from time to time. It had been necessary, every sodding action had been necessary. Painfully so, and Harry still couldn't find himself regretting his decision to make Severus a fixed figure in Teddy's life. Stability was hard to find in this town, and Harry was going to give it to Teddy in any way he could.

Even those ways that might make Remus hate him forever. He hoped it didn't come to that. "And I trust him with Teddy. Completely."

Remus shut his eyes. "You trust my son in the care of a known murderer?" He didn't say what he so desperately wanted to because Harry, though he was often naive, was rarely trusting. He didn't need to be crushed like a flower under someone's boot. He probably deserved it, though, Remus thought uncharitably.

"I can only hope that you're right," he said politely. He had always wanted to like Severus. It had just been rather hard. It had always been hard. Severus wasn't a likable person, and he sure as hell didn't like Remus. In fact, there seemed to be very few people that Severus liked less than Remus. Suddenly, he was a little more concerned for Teddy, but no, Harry would never let anyone hurt him, Remus assured himself.

Harry's skin ran cold. His answer came quiet, but firm, and intentional. "I trust my son with a known murderer."

Remus blanched. Two months. What did it matter? He looked away.

"You keep leaving." Harry tugged the photo album back to him and closed it with a thud. It was better than saying 'you died'.

Remus wanted to argue. He ought to argue. He hadn't chosen to die. He nodded and managed to say, "I understand."

"I-You do?" Harry gaped openly for a few seconds before snapping his mouth shut. That wasn't the response he had been expecting at all. It made his head throb dully right behind his eyebrow.

"Yes," Remus said, "I do. Understanding is something I have never been short on." He didn't look back at Harry as he said, "Now, last night, Lily made me understand that this was- is my house. Harry, please leave."

Harry was standing before Remus finished speaking. They were both so good at this. He gave half a thought to banishing the album back to its rightful space before leaving but didn't. He moved too fast toward the kitchen door, head bowed, fists clenching and only stopped when in the door frame.

"Bye."

"Give Teddy my love," Remus said, "and take care of yourself."