worrying and making a back up plan in case I lose
The dream with Bella has been repeated twice so far. Morgana wants to make sure I do not forget it. I am almost afraid to go to sleep, yet my body bids me rest-more so than usual. I realize Bella might win this one. I will do everything in my power to prevent her success, but she has a chance of succeeding. I need to spend more time with my husband, but I do not want him to find me screaming in my sleep, so I have avoided Lucius lately.
Draco. I have told him nothing. He is the one who needs to know, needs to understand. Yet I cannot trust him not to reveal my secrets. But if Bella wins? Draco will need to save his sister. He will need to help Andromeda raise her once he does save her. He will have the will . . . wait, I could write him a letter and attach it to the will. He will only see it if I am killed.
October 1999
Dear Son,
If you are receiving this letter, I am gone. Your father is most likely gone too, because I cannot see Bellatrix winning without killing us both. But this also means that she has your sister. That was my big secret, Draco. It is why I have been ill, why I have not been able to Apparate, why your Aunt Bellatrix killed me. She wanted the baby since she never had one of her own. You must get her back. Please, I beg you. I want your Aunt Andromeda to have custody, but you must help her raise your sister. She will need you. Do whatever you must do to get Venus returned safely, please Draco. Deplete the family fortune if you must. Anything. Your cousin Tonks will help you. She will not ignore the peril her baby cousin is in.
I kept her secret because I did not want to be arrested as an accomplice to your father. Nor did I want people to assume I was an adulteress. Having the baby was his idea. He circumvented my birth control with a potion that also made me very fertile. It was an attempt to regain control over me. But he later changed-he wanted her as a second chance for us. For that reason, I went through with the pregnancy. We needed that chance. Our marriage, as you know, has not been easy.
I pause a moment. He has seen the bad times more than the good. He was surprised when I told him I loved Lucius. Lucius is my life. If Draco ever reads this letter, I will be somewhere with Lucius-I hope it is not in hell.
Your father fell in love with me long before I fell for him. We were a year apart in Slytherin. I had few friends. I had my sisters. I did not need a big group of witches around me all the time. Truth be told Draco, I was more than reserved; I was shy. But it would not do for the youngest of the Black princesses to be shy and socially awkward-so I played the aloof and proud princess act perfectly. To this day few people know how ill-deserved my reputation as an ice queen was. I simply played a part. It was simpler than showing how insecure I was with my peers. Your father though, I think he understood. He saw me for what I was-a very studious, smart, quiet witch. I suspect he even knew I was shy. We played a trick on Arthur Weasley once-we both were pranking him and realized we were allies in a common battle. Neither of us were caught. After that we became friends.
I do not know when he fell in love with me, but I know when I did with him. He was a sixth year prefect. I was a fifth year one. He came up to me in the hallway on the first day of classes and congratulated me on becoming a prefect. Then he kissed me, hard. The kiss nearly knocked me off my feet. When I recovered, I turned to slap him, but he was already down the hallway, smirking at me over his shoulder. I was angry with my friend for changing everything. I spent more time with a little first year Slytherin who was also a loner-I took him under my wing-you know him as Professor Snape--than I did with your father for the next several weeks. But I could not get that kiss out of my mind. I found myself thinking of it at inopportune moments. Your father kept asking me to Hogsmeade or asking me to spend time with him, and I kept turning him down. I finally could resist no longer and gave in. We became a couple after that first date.
Your father was always dark, but he was not cruel. The cruelty came for him between six and seventh years. When he came back after that holiday, he was changed. I did not learn for many years what happened. That was when his mother potioned him with an experimental and very dark potion she pulled out of a journal she stole from the Travettis. It left a lasting side affect-heightened cruelty, lack of emotional nuance, no compassion. I was already in love with him. I did not understand what had been done to him. My heart was irrevocably his. I finally found the journal last summer. I made an antidote to the potion and gave it to your father secretly. He was so ill from the antidote that I was afraid I had killed him. He never had been sick like that before. But when the sickness faded, I had a compassionate husband. Your father dared show me his feelings again. He had the ability to put himself in other’s shoes. He was more sensitive and understanding to both you and me. My antidote worked.
I could forgive him for what he had done to me. Finally. I was free to trust his love for me and know that I did not love him more than he loved me. I had wondered many times over the years. I will explain:
I hurt him when he proposed. You know what your grandmother was like. She had convinced me that even though your father loved me, he was pledged to Nicoletta Travetti and would marry her to make both families happy. I believed her. When your father proposed, I was so shocked that I said no. An hour later my father was Crucioing me for my insolence. I went through twenty minutes of excruciating pain. I promised to change my answer. But the worst was yet to come. Father convinced Lucius to put me in my place. To show me he was in control as a wizard. At Father’s insistence, Lucius Crucioed me. It did not hurt as bad physically as Father’s, but it broke my heart. I knew that some part of Lucius had to hate me in order for him to do that to me. I changed after that. I became more reserved around your father. I grew cautious. But I still married him-at Stonehenge-during the Solstice.
When your Aunt Bellatrix convinced him to join Voldemort, I thought we were doomed. Now his associates were Death Eaters. So were mine. Severus and Mr. Nott were the only two I even spoke to besides Bella. And my sister was becoming more frightening, even though I did not show her how unbalanced I found her. I turned more and more to my studies. I was so happy when you were born, and I had you to focus on.
You know of the other time he crucioed me. We argued about sending you to school. I won and you accepted the letter from Hogwarts instead of Durmstrang. But Crabbe and Goyle witnessed part of the argument. Your father was furious that I made him lose face in front of his friends. He Crucioed me. Then he silenced me for the first time. I was silenced many times after that, as were you on occasion. It was not until visiting him last spring in prison that I learned that he had never hated me. No part of him hated me. He had thought of his mother each time and pretended to direct the curse at her. That was when I decided to help him, Draco. When he got out of Azkaban, I started making him an antidote. I had to save him, once I knew that our love was not doomed, was not limited or mixed with hatred.
After the battle on Diagon Alley in which you and your father wounded each other, your father and I argued. He was about to silence me again, but I silenced him. That was when he knew he could not control me anymore. That was why he got me pregnant, even though he had previously vowed to have no more children, and knewI had no intention of going through a pregnancy ever again, let alone in my middle age.
That is my story, Draco. I love you. Your father loves you. We love each other. But if you have this letter, Bella has won, and we desperately need you to save your little sister. Tell her about your parents. Do not tell her the tragic parts until she is older. Mostly tell her how much we loved each other and loved our children.
I just hope to Morgana that this letter grows ancient and decays in the solicitor’s safe, and you never have to read it.
Love,
Mother
I look at the letter again. I can entrust this with Abbott. I seal the note carefully and write on the outside, To only be given to Draco upon my death.
Then I write a note to Abbott. Please put this with my will. Do not read it yourself. Thank you. Narcissa Estelle Black Malfoy
I put a protective spell on Borgia and send it with her to Abbott at Knightly and Poppington.
Draco. I have told him nothing. He is the one who needs to know, needs to understand. Yet I cannot trust him not to reveal my secrets. But if Bella wins? Draco will need to save his sister. He will need to help Andromeda raise her once he does save her. He will have the will . . . wait, I could write him a letter and attach it to the will. He will only see it if I am killed.
October 1999
Dear Son,
If you are receiving this letter, I am gone. Your father is most likely gone too, because I cannot see Bellatrix winning without killing us both. But this also means that she has your sister. That was my big secret, Draco. It is why I have been ill, why I have not been able to Apparate, why your Aunt Bellatrix killed me. She wanted the baby since she never had one of her own. You must get her back. Please, I beg you. I want your Aunt Andromeda to have custody, but you must help her raise your sister. She will need you. Do whatever you must do to get Venus returned safely, please Draco. Deplete the family fortune if you must. Anything. Your cousin Tonks will help you. She will not ignore the peril her baby cousin is in.
I kept her secret because I did not want to be arrested as an accomplice to your father. Nor did I want people to assume I was an adulteress. Having the baby was his idea. He circumvented my birth control with a potion that also made me very fertile. It was an attempt to regain control over me. But he later changed-he wanted her as a second chance for us. For that reason, I went through with the pregnancy. We needed that chance. Our marriage, as you know, has not been easy.
I pause a moment. He has seen the bad times more than the good. He was surprised when I told him I loved Lucius. Lucius is my life. If Draco ever reads this letter, I will be somewhere with Lucius-I hope it is not in hell.
Your father fell in love with me long before I fell for him. We were a year apart in Slytherin. I had few friends. I had my sisters. I did not need a big group of witches around me all the time. Truth be told Draco, I was more than reserved; I was shy. But it would not do for the youngest of the Black princesses to be shy and socially awkward-so I played the aloof and proud princess act perfectly. To this day few people know how ill-deserved my reputation as an ice queen was. I simply played a part. It was simpler than showing how insecure I was with my peers. Your father though, I think he understood. He saw me for what I was-a very studious, smart, quiet witch. I suspect he even knew I was shy. We played a trick on Arthur Weasley once-we both were pranking him and realized we were allies in a common battle. Neither of us were caught. After that we became friends.
I do not know when he fell in love with me, but I know when I did with him. He was a sixth year prefect. I was a fifth year one. He came up to me in the hallway on the first day of classes and congratulated me on becoming a prefect. Then he kissed me, hard. The kiss nearly knocked me off my feet. When I recovered, I turned to slap him, but he was already down the hallway, smirking at me over his shoulder. I was angry with my friend for changing everything. I spent more time with a little first year Slytherin who was also a loner-I took him under my wing-you know him as Professor Snape--than I did with your father for the next several weeks. But I could not get that kiss out of my mind. I found myself thinking of it at inopportune moments. Your father kept asking me to Hogsmeade or asking me to spend time with him, and I kept turning him down. I finally could resist no longer and gave in. We became a couple after that first date.
Your father was always dark, but he was not cruel. The cruelty came for him between six and seventh years. When he came back after that holiday, he was changed. I did not learn for many years what happened. That was when his mother potioned him with an experimental and very dark potion she pulled out of a journal she stole from the Travettis. It left a lasting side affect-heightened cruelty, lack of emotional nuance, no compassion. I was already in love with him. I did not understand what had been done to him. My heart was irrevocably his. I finally found the journal last summer. I made an antidote to the potion and gave it to your father secretly. He was so ill from the antidote that I was afraid I had killed him. He never had been sick like that before. But when the sickness faded, I had a compassionate husband. Your father dared show me his feelings again. He had the ability to put himself in other’s shoes. He was more sensitive and understanding to both you and me. My antidote worked.
I could forgive him for what he had done to me. Finally. I was free to trust his love for me and know that I did not love him more than he loved me. I had wondered many times over the years. I will explain:
I hurt him when he proposed. You know what your grandmother was like. She had convinced me that even though your father loved me, he was pledged to Nicoletta Travetti and would marry her to make both families happy. I believed her. When your father proposed, I was so shocked that I said no. An hour later my father was Crucioing me for my insolence. I went through twenty minutes of excruciating pain. I promised to change my answer. But the worst was yet to come. Father convinced Lucius to put me in my place. To show me he was in control as a wizard. At Father’s insistence, Lucius Crucioed me. It did not hurt as bad physically as Father’s, but it broke my heart. I knew that some part of Lucius had to hate me in order for him to do that to me. I changed after that. I became more reserved around your father. I grew cautious. But I still married him-at Stonehenge-during the Solstice.
When your Aunt Bellatrix convinced him to join Voldemort, I thought we were doomed. Now his associates were Death Eaters. So were mine. Severus and Mr. Nott were the only two I even spoke to besides Bella. And my sister was becoming more frightening, even though I did not show her how unbalanced I found her. I turned more and more to my studies. I was so happy when you were born, and I had you to focus on.
You know of the other time he crucioed me. We argued about sending you to school. I won and you accepted the letter from Hogwarts instead of Durmstrang. But Crabbe and Goyle witnessed part of the argument. Your father was furious that I made him lose face in front of his friends. He Crucioed me. Then he silenced me for the first time. I was silenced many times after that, as were you on occasion. It was not until visiting him last spring in prison that I learned that he had never hated me. No part of him hated me. He had thought of his mother each time and pretended to direct the curse at her. That was when I decided to help him, Draco. When he got out of Azkaban, I started making him an antidote. I had to save him, once I knew that our love was not doomed, was not limited or mixed with hatred.
After the battle on Diagon Alley in which you and your father wounded each other, your father and I argued. He was about to silence me again, but I silenced him. That was when he knew he could not control me anymore. That was why he got me pregnant, even though he had previously vowed to have no more children, and knewI had no intention of going through a pregnancy ever again, let alone in my middle age.
That is my story, Draco. I love you. Your father loves you. We love each other. But if you have this letter, Bella has won, and we desperately need you to save your little sister. Tell her about your parents. Do not tell her the tragic parts until she is older. Mostly tell her how much we loved each other and loved our children.
I just hope to Morgana that this letter grows ancient and decays in the solicitor’s safe, and you never have to read it.
Love,
Mother
I look at the letter again. I can entrust this with Abbott. I seal the note carefully and write on the outside, To only be given to Draco upon my death.
Then I write a note to Abbott. Please put this with my will. Do not read it yourself. Thank you. Narcissa Estelle Black Malfoy
I put a protective spell on Borgia and send it with her to Abbott at Knightly and Poppington.