Why is it important for you to identify with either or? I see from your post that you are very aware of your deficits and talents. It is great! If I were you I would concentrate on creating a support system for your shortcomings to make sure you accomplish as much as possible with your talent. The support system could include an aid/hired help/a friend who would play a role of your "relationship manager" to buffer between the society and you.
Why is it important for you to identify with either or?
I've always felt like I was at different places on the spectrum (or, on rare occasions, not on the spectrum) at different points in my life, so I must've assumed that I needed to figure out where I was at once and for all.
Plus, it's easier to say "I have autism" or "I have Asperger's" or "I am neurotypical" (Firefox doesn't recognize "neurotypical" as a word?!) than "I'm good with most kinds of math and most aspects of computers, but there's still at least one branch of math I have yet to learn and I can't set up printers or Internet connections, and I can rarely stay focused for longer than 16 seconds or remember anything that's important, but at least I very rarely have meltdowns nowadays..."
You sound like one of us to me. Welcome to the community!
The problem of others' expectations is a common one. Whether people want you to make small talk or do number tricks, they want you to make it look easy. Making it look easy is part of meeting their demands. But then they say, "If you can do that so easily, surely you can do more," and they thereby put enough pressure on us to make us miserable. The phenomenon has been discussed in this community several times - enough that I'd say it's a common nuisance to our kind. It's probably a good idea to rehearse a few countermeasures, try them out, and see which ones work.
It's probably a good idea to rehearse a few countermeasures, try them out, and see which ones work.
The problem is, I can't think of any countermeasures that I haven't tried.
See, every time I'm optimistic about my success in college, my mom is pessimistic about it, and vice versa. (Oh, come on, Firefox! "Versa" is a word! Back to what I was saying...) But when I tell her that she always changes her opinion about college whenever I change mine, that doesn't work either - she just thinks I'm being mean to her.
Same goes with my common sense. Apparently I have close to, but slightly less than, half of the common sense I need for college, because Mom often says that "common sense should have told [me]" something, but she doesn't believe me if I tell her that I just don't have very much common sense. And when she does try to explain something to me that common sense should have told me, it's usually something that either common sense did tell me or she's told me before, so I have to tell her that I at least have that much common
( ... )
I'm an old man, and I've played a lot of poker in my day. Still do, actually.
If I suddenly found myself having to deal with your situation, as regards your mother, I'd try mixing things up a bit. I'd give the appearance of being easily convinced when she made optimistic or pessimistic predictiona about the future of my education, regardless of which. I'd refrain from making optimistic or pessimistic statements myself, or I'd make such statements at random, so they would only sometimes reflect my feelings of the moment. I'd occasionally pretend less common sense than I actually have, and listen to the lectures with obvious interest and good humor. Do that for a while, make careful observation of your mother's behevior without telling anyone about it, and you'll get a pretty good feel for what her agenda is. It might surprise you.
That sounds like a good idea, I'll try it and see what happens. Thanks!
I'd occasionally pretend less common sense than I actually have
I already do this, to an extent. Remember when I said that I prefer to be 100% sure of something rather than 99% sure? Sometimes if I am almost, but not completely, certain that I know what to do in a particular situation, I ask anyway just to make sure.
The only times I ever feel NT are when either someone tells me that they didn't know I was autistic/Asperger's/asptistic/Autperger's/wherever I fall on the spectrum until I told them, or I randomly think about one of the two times that that's happened before.
I wouldn't worry too much about the High vs Low dichotomy. Because it's a spectrum, there is no clear line about where someone should fall (that's one of the reasons the DMV is combining the various ASDs, though there are some benefits to having the terms) unless a person is very clearly at one end for all things
( ... )
The definitions of high and low functioning draw upon a few select traits and ignore others. A lot of other traits can have a direct impact on one's ability to function as an adult while still leaving you with the appearance of being high functioning.
With that in mind, it seems to me that defining one's self as high-functioning or low-functioning doesn't really matter. What matters is what you can actually do and how much you can compensate without burning out.
I wouldn't worry too much about the High vs Low dichotomy. Because it's a spectrum, there is no clear line about where someone should fall (that's one of the reasons the DMV is combining the various ASDs, though there are some benefits to having the terms) unless a person is very clearly at one end for all things.
Also, lots of us can be considered High for some aspects of our lives/personalities/abilities, but Low for others.
I know - it just seems sometimes like my autistic-like aspects, Aspie-like aspects, and neurotypical-like aspects are too evenly balanced for me to even decide which I am the most like.
I tend to worry about the fact that I'm able to pass as NT to people who don't know me extremely well, because then I doubt that I'm even on the spectrum and am making it all up,
Me too, sometimes, but for the most part, I like passing as NT to people who don't know me very well because it's nice to know that I'm getting closer to my ultimate goal: passing as NT to people who do know me extremely well.
This is a place for Aspies, and we're not going to exclude someone based on how they came to the conclusion that they belong in this group. Especially not for being diagnosed as such. Any mention of the self-diagnosed in the group info is meant to reassure those to whom it applies, not to exclude those to whom it does not
( ... )
* not as good at maths as you think you should be So you have grapheme synaesthesia... does this extend to numeric synaesthesia? That is: you have a connection between the symbols "1", "2", "3", &c, and colours, but do you have the same association with the concepts of those numbers? Does a group of three things trigger the same sensation as does the grapheme "3"? What about compound symbols... is "345" a sensation in its own right, or is it "3" and "4" and "5
( ... )
This is roughly what I was going to say about the computer skills. I've been a professional programmer and database designer for the last twenty years, and I'm good at what I do (yay, managed some self-praise without cringing!), but when it comes to setting up printers and networks, I'm clueless. "Everything to do with computers" covers a huge range of skill-sets, and this is obvious to everyone but those few weird individuals who see computers as something strange and alien, and try to lump anything to do with them into one box.
How do you measure your attention span? 16 seconds does seem very short, but is that 16 seconds of absolutely no thoughts outside the prescribed area, or 16 seconds of at least remembering what task it is you're supposed to be doing? If it's the latter, I'm amazed you managed a post as long as you did: if it's the former, 16 seconds is actually quite a long time. I've been trying to learn meditation recently, and it seems that for NTs, 5 seconds is more than long enough to start with.
I totally forgot to answer this question until just now - sorry! The last time I checked, starting from when I start paying attention the task at hand, it normally takes about 16 seconds for my mind to start to wander.
Comments 48
If I were you I would concentrate on creating a support system for your shortcomings to make sure you accomplish as much as possible with your talent. The support system could include an aid/hired help/a friend who would play a role of your "relationship manager" to buffer between the society and you.
Reply
I've always felt like I was at different places on the spectrum (or, on rare occasions, not on the spectrum) at different points in my life, so I must've assumed that I needed to figure out where I was at once and for all.
Plus, it's easier to say "I have autism" or "I have Asperger's" or "I am neurotypical" (Firefox doesn't recognize "neurotypical" as a word?!) than "I'm good with most kinds of math and most aspects of computers, but there's still at least one branch of math I have yet to learn and I can't set up printers or Internet connections, and I can rarely stay focused for longer than 16 seconds or remember anything that's important, but at least I very rarely have meltdowns nowadays..."
Reply
The problem of others' expectations is a common one. Whether people want you to make small talk or do number tricks, they want you to make it look easy. Making it look easy is part of meeting their demands. But then they say, "If you can do that so easily, surely you can do more," and they thereby put enough pressure on us to make us miserable. The phenomenon has been discussed in this community several times - enough that I'd say it's a common nuisance to our kind. It's probably a good idea to rehearse a few countermeasures, try them out, and see which ones work.
Reply
The problem is, I can't think of any countermeasures that I haven't tried.
See, every time I'm optimistic about my success in college, my mom is pessimistic about it, and vice versa. (Oh, come on, Firefox! "Versa" is a word! Back to what I was saying...) But when I tell her that she always changes her opinion about college whenever I change mine, that doesn't work either - she just thinks I'm being mean to her.
Same goes with my common sense. Apparently I have close to, but slightly less than, half of the common sense I need for college, because Mom often says that "common sense should have told [me]" something, but she doesn't believe me if I tell her that I just don't have very much common sense. And when she does try to explain something to me that common sense should have told me, it's usually something that either common sense did tell me or she's told me before, so I have to tell her that I at least have that much common ( ... )
Reply
If I suddenly found myself having to deal with your situation, as regards your mother, I'd try mixing things up a bit. I'd give the appearance of being easily convinced when she made optimistic or pessimistic predictiona about the future of my education, regardless of which. I'd refrain from making optimistic or pessimistic statements myself, or I'd make such statements at random, so they would only sometimes reflect my feelings of the moment. I'd occasionally pretend less common sense than I actually have, and listen to the lectures with obvious interest and good humor. Do that for a while, make careful observation of your mother's behevior without telling anyone about it, and you'll get a pretty good feel for what her agenda is. It might surprise you.
Reply
I'd occasionally pretend less common sense than I actually have
I already do this, to an extent. Remember when I said that I prefer to be 100% sure of something rather than 99% sure? Sometimes if I am almost, but not completely, certain that I know what to do in a particular situation, I ask anyway just to make sure.
Reply
(The comment has been removed)
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Reply
The definitions of high and low functioning draw upon a few select traits and ignore others. A lot of other traits can have a direct impact on one's ability to function as an adult while still leaving you with the appearance of being high functioning.
With that in mind, it seems to me that defining one's self as high-functioning or low-functioning doesn't really matter. What matters is what you can actually do and how much you can compensate without burning out.
Reply
Also, lots of us can be considered High for some aspects of our lives/personalities/abilities, but Low for others.
I know - it just seems sometimes like my autistic-like aspects, Aspie-like aspects, and neurotypical-like aspects are too evenly balanced for me to even decide which I am the most like.
I tend to worry about the fact that I'm able to pass as NT to people who don't know me extremely well, because then I doubt that I'm even on the spectrum and am making it all up,
Me too, sometimes, but for the most part, I like passing as NT to people who don't know me very well because it's nice to know that I'm getting closer to my ultimate goal: passing as NT to people who do know me extremely well.
even though when I ( ... )
Reply
Reply
As for your self-described deficits:
* not as good at maths as you think you should be
So you have grapheme synaesthesia... does this extend to numeric synaesthesia? That is: you have a connection between the symbols "1", "2", "3", &c, and colours, but do you have the same association with the concepts of those numbers? Does a group of three things trigger the same sensation as does the grapheme "3"? What about compound symbols... is "345" a sensation in its own right, or is it "3" and "4" and "5 ( ... )
Reply
How do you measure your attention span? 16 seconds does seem very short, but is that 16 seconds of absolutely no thoughts outside the prescribed area, or 16 seconds of at least remembering what task it is you're supposed to be doing? If it's the latter, I'm amazed you managed a post as long as you did: if it's the former, 16 seconds is actually quite a long time. I've been trying to learn meditation recently, and it seems that for NTs, 5 seconds is more than long enough to start with.
Reply
I totally forgot to answer this question until just now - sorry! The last time I checked, starting from when I start paying attention the task at hand, it normally takes about 16 seconds for my mind to start to wander.
Reply
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