I think I must have been trained out of certain things as a child - eg hand flapping (which for me is an expression of pleasure and enthusiasm). Since I've identified as being on the spectrum, I find myself doing it a lot more (though still only when alone or with my partner).
If the conditioning not to do things like that was very strong, it will probably take you a while to be able to relax and let yourself do them, even when alone. Give yourself time!
i still flail an have strange habits though around most people im very self contious an try to behave 'normally' but it infuriates me to no end that i have to do this
When I was younger (and still do sometimes) whenever I would observe my peers I'd always noticed they didn't do things I did when I was alone.
And vise versa, when I was alone I'd always realize no one else did the things I was doing.
And whenever I'd realize something like that I'd stop completely or hide it. Which caused me to be a very secretive person.
I've recently discovered my AS as well.
And so much has been put into prospective. Like, why I pace when my stomach hurts and why I am startled so easily.
I guess I'm sort of glad to find out but it just really sucks realizing, you're not normal and you may never be. Not that it's a bad thing but you realize if you ever want that 'normality' you're going to spend a lot of time pretending.
I think I know what you're getting at. For me it's even more about saying things, imagining things, things I used to say as a kid but somewhere along the line I stopped, and now as an adult I find I'm subconsciously "editing myself" when I try to think of what to say or write, and I just can't think or imagine as spontaneously as I did when I was younger, because of all the things I had to learn *not* to do or say as I got older, because I was too afraid of offending people and possibly losing what few friends I have. So once I find myself in a "safe" place to start saying and imagining those things again, they don't want to come out the way they used to, and I feel like I've had an important part of myself robbed from me.
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If the conditioning not to do things like that was very strong, it will probably take you a while to be able to relax and let yourself do them, even when alone. Give yourself time!
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When I was younger (and still do sometimes) whenever I would observe my peers I'd always noticed they didn't do things I did when I was alone.
And vise versa, when I was alone I'd always realize no one else did the things I was doing.
And whenever I'd realize something like that I'd stop completely or hide it. Which caused me to be a very secretive person.
I've recently discovered my AS as well.
And so much has been put into prospective. Like, why I pace when my stomach hurts and why I am startled so easily.
I guess I'm sort of glad to find out but it just really sucks realizing, you're not normal and you may never be. Not that it's a bad thing but you realize if you ever want that 'normality' you're going to spend a lot of time pretending.
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you = epic win.
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