"you smile like you mean it. i smile because you need it."
my tolerance is gone. i hung up on the lady who attempted to take my sushi order but asked how to spell my name too many times. ordered something completely different. my mood, my tastes were affected by the misunderstandings of a woman. actually, i was so frustrated that even now the thought of sushi makes me angry.
im not like this. i am not this guy. i sit in the same spot on the couch and brood like some teenage cliche. im that roommate. the one who never moves off the couch. i see the texts and calls inviting me out. offering solace.
"hey dude, lets get you out of the apartment."
each one is a tiny bright spark. a reminder that i truly do surround myself with good people. but they cant help. you cant help. they take me out, they move me around, they make me forget and allow me to find myself. but the thought of putting on a pair of running shoes or going to some social gathering is more than i can stomach. it takes all i have to walk the two blocks to the starbucks to get my green tea and yesterday i sat in a purple chair up against the wall without headphones and stared at the floor wondering how good would it feel to just curl up in a ball and lay there. not so much out of pity, not so much for my loss and not even out of the pain, but out of the frustration of knowing there is no one, no where that can make this better. none of you. oh and god i would love it if you could. i would give any of you everything i have if you could take this away. to make me whole. to give me back and get me back. make this happen and i am truly in your debt.
i opened a window to purchase plane tickets to anywhere since i have frequent flyer miles and credits just waiting to be used. i stared at a map and thought about renting a car and driving to nowhere. i mapped out what couches would have me and what cities had the biggest and brightest distractions. i closed my laptop, put a pillow over my head and whispered, "it wont be so bad in the morning. it wont be so bad in the morning."
its funny to read all these words, all these posts, all the books and think they were my fingers. its easy to be positive when the sun is shining, your moms invites you over for dinner and you have a little money in your pocket. but maybe thats what they are. not books for you, but for me. letters written in the past for a injured future. to bring me back and remind me of the person that i am.
because all of the hate, spite and animosity... all of the terrible words, evil texts and ugly threats. all the accusations, exaggerations and outright lies, yeah, they fucking sting. but i refuse to sink to that level, it would only make this so much worse and prolong this detour on my journey and ive got things to see. and character shines through during the darkest of times and honey, your light is out.
and my nights may be long and my songs my be ruined and my pillow may be my only confidant... but i havent given in to those terrible thoughts just yet. and if i make it out of this alive its only because i truly believed those words i wrote with these very same fingers.
because i truly am unbreakable.
for her.
im not like this. i am not this guy. i sit in the same spot on the couch and brood like some teenage cliche. im that roommate. the one who never moves off the couch. i see the texts and calls inviting me out. offering solace.
"hey dude, lets get you out of the apartment."
each one is a tiny bright spark. a reminder that i truly do surround myself with good people. but they cant help. you cant help. they take me out, they move me around, they make me forget and allow me to find myself. but the thought of putting on a pair of running shoes or going to some social gathering is more than i can stomach. it takes all i have to walk the two blocks to the starbucks to get my green tea and yesterday i sat in a purple chair up against the wall without headphones and stared at the floor wondering how good would it feel to just curl up in a ball and lay there. not so much out of pity, not so much for my loss and not even out of the pain, but out of the frustration of knowing there is no one, no where that can make this better. none of you. oh and god i would love it if you could. i would give any of you everything i have if you could take this away. to make me whole. to give me back and get me back. make this happen and i am truly in your debt.
i opened a window to purchase plane tickets to anywhere since i have frequent flyer miles and credits just waiting to be used. i stared at a map and thought about renting a car and driving to nowhere. i mapped out what couches would have me and what cities had the biggest and brightest distractions. i closed my laptop, put a pillow over my head and whispered, "it wont be so bad in the morning. it wont be so bad in the morning."
its funny to read all these words, all these posts, all the books and think they were my fingers. its easy to be positive when the sun is shining, your moms invites you over for dinner and you have a little money in your pocket. but maybe thats what they are. not books for you, but for me. letters written in the past for a injured future. to bring me back and remind me of the person that i am.
because all of the hate, spite and animosity... all of the terrible words, evil texts and ugly threats. all the accusations, exaggerations and outright lies, yeah, they fucking sting. but i refuse to sink to that level, it would only make this so much worse and prolong this detour on my journey and ive got things to see. and character shines through during the darkest of times and honey, your light is out.
and my nights may be long and my songs my be ruined and my pillow may be my only confidant... but i havent given in to those terrible thoughts just yet. and if i make it out of this alive its only because i truly believed those words i wrote with these very same fingers.
because i truly am unbreakable.
for her.