Teamwork AU-what-if
This is the one where Naruto is a girl and Sakura is a boy (renamed Haru). Sasuke is still a dick guy.
Dynamics repercussions there are that Sasuke was somewhat protective of girlsakura even when he kinda dismissed her for being weak, but a weak *guy* means the sasuke/sakura side of the triangle is even weaker than the canon universe. There are other repercussions but hopefully they'll be obvious in this fic and the uhh porny sequel I'll post tomorrow don't judge me.
This scene happens right after this.
So they're hiding under an awning on someone's roof-garden where the trees muffle sound and they can see people coming, and they've had the "just so you know the brat one of you two knocked me up with might come out kinda demony" talk. So now they're sitting there all quiet-like as Sasuke-bastard stares straight through her skull all intense and broody and Haru-chan stares at what he can see of the sky through the huge leaves of enormous potted trees (in other words, not a lot of sky) and Naruto pretends she's staring at something super important that she's currently digging out of the dirt of the pot she sits on with a little stick she picked up.
She loves her teammates, but like fuck she is going to ask them to please stay, now that she's entrapped them with her slutty womb (fuck you, Kanemoto.) She's strong. She can manage alone.
Well. Not really alone anymore, now is she. She rubs her belly discreetly, tries not to look too bewildered. Her eyes are prickling a little. Heh.
"What are you going to do?" Haru-chan asks her all quiet-like. He looks a little guilty, it's weird, maybe he feels bad for potentially knocking her up. Naruto laughs and nudges him with her foot.
"Raise her, what else? Or him." Her mind is, frankly, blown. "Oh man. I gotta figure out a name, and, and learn about baby food and preschool and stuff."
"Then you're keeping -- ah."
She stares at him, tilts her head, frowning a bit. "Course I'm keeping the kid. I'd like to see anyone take her away." She imagines her child in an orphanage, or with a surrogate who hates her just for being born, and she wants to make a visit to Kyuubi and ask him if he'd lend her his fangs for a rampage or three.
They'll have to kill me first, she promises the tiny cluster of cells in her belly.
Sasuke is quiet. He's been quiet ever since they walked in to find her with Tsunade and asked if they could borrow her for a minute or thirty. But it's the kind of quiet where you can tell he's thinking really loud.
"You guys can be her awesome uncles. And I guess Kakashi-sensei can be her old uncle, and Jiraiya her decrepit perverted great-uncle or whatever." She grins, and if it's more to convince herself and them of it, she tries not to let it show. "It'll be great."
"We can't be her uncles if one of us is her father," Sasuke says, and she didn't expect anger so she blinks for a bit.
"Sure you can, stupid! You can be her, her sperm donor and not have to be her daddy. It's fine. She's mine either way, so that's okay." She'll love her enough for three. Ten. For the entire world.
Haru-chan looks miserable and Sasuke-bastard quietly furious. Naruto looks back and forth between them, bewildered.
"What's the matter? You signed up for sex, not to change diapers and stuff, I'm not gonna hold you responsible for that."
Sasuke snarls something wordless and opens his mouth and she honestly has no idea what's going to come out but she's already bristling; but then he reins himself in and turns his back on her, shoulders all stiff, and he snaps at Haru-chan, "Keep her here," and then he's gone. The trees rustle and swing like a gale just went through.
Naruto blinks a lot and then sits back down slowly. Usually when Sasuke is so pissed off he needs to hit something, he hits her. It's fine, she can hit back. She likes it, even -- not getting hit so much, but the fighting itself. Intense. She's not used to him leaving to go punch something else; it's weirdly unsettling.
"Uh, Haru-chan? What just happened?"
"I -- Naruto." He rakes his hand through his hair and doesn't look at her.
He looks guilty, she thinks, understands. She forces a smile. "You know it was just the Kyuubi thing that made you sleep with me, yeah? There's no need, I mean, it's okay, I understand. It wasn't your fault I got knocked up. It was more mine than anyone's, I should have paid more attention."
He scrunches his eyes closed. He looks wretched now, and she winces. She doesn't get how but apparently she's just managed to make it worse. Great.
"...Haru-chan?"
And now she sounds all unsure and she feels guilty too and it's all so wrong. She looks away. Damnit.
She doesn't expect Haru to shove himself off his perch and go to her. He freezes again before her, a hand on her shoulder, but it's okay; she takes over from there, throws her arms around his waist and holds on tight. He hugs her back around the shoulders, slow and cautious but he still means it so it's fine with her.
"I'm sorry," they say together. Naruto tilts her head back and blinks bothersome dampness out of her eyes to glare up at him.
"Sorry for what?"
Haru's arms free her slowly; he sits on the edge of the tree pot beside her, his elbow touching hers. "... You shouldn't have to do this alone."
"I won't be alone," she assures him, a little desperate. "I'll have the baby. And I'll make you guys babysit!"
"Naruto!" he interrupts. "That's not what -- I mean -- if I -- aw, crap." He slumps, elbows on his knees. "Just..."
She nudges his foot with hers tentatively. "What's wrong?"
He scrunches his eyes closed again, ducks his head. "I should be doing the honorable thing, ask you if you -- if we -- I should -- we ought to get married."
Naruto stares at him. "... We should?" It doesn't sound like a proposal.
"Yes! But I -- but it's -- you're my teammate and I like you and I want to stand by you, and you -- the times we dated, they were fun, but --"
He's all but tearing out his hair by now. Naruto tilts her head, weirdly fascinated, even though his words make her feel a tiny bit queasy with apprehension. "But?"
"It wouldn't be fair to you. I... I'm in love with someone else."
"...Oh."
She has known Haru-chan for years now, and she never even suspected. "Is it Ino?" she asks, because Ino is the only girl she knows Haru to have been even slightly close to, even though he ditched her back at the academy because everyone was picking on him for being best friends with a girl. It would make sense, she thinks, even though the notion gives her uncomfortable pangs in her stomach.
Haru laughs, though, but kinda like he's wishing he could cry. "I wish it were Ino."
Naruto bites her lip and pats his arm. "So, uh. Who is she, then?" It's got to be a real complicated situation, some sort of impossible unrequited thing, or he wouldn't look so hurt. She hates seeing him like that even more than she hates that she didn't know. "You know I wouldn't ever tell, right?"
He mumbles something under his breath and she goes "uh" because she could swear she just heard him say "It's Sasuke."
Then she goes "oh" because it makes a crazed sort of sense. Haru-chan and Sasuke... Sometimes Naruto thought that Haru admired Sasuke. Sometimes she thought he kind of hated him. She understood that, though. She'd find it really hard if he was so much better than her, too. So far above, where she couldn't reach.
"Oh. Me too."
Haru's head snaps up and he stares at her. Naruto can only shrug helplessly and scratch the back of her head.
"I just never wanted to tell him because he's kind of a huge dickwad and I really didn't wanna figure out if he'd be the kind of guy who gets all bent out of shape if his girlfriend is stronger than him, you know?" She squirms a little, looks away. "Also, um, I err you too and so, you know, better to have neither of you. Being teammates is way more important."
She pauses.
She blinks.
"Also I was sure he was gay anyway oh god my gaydar got the wrong one."
Haru-chan splutters and draws himself up and glares. "I'm not -- Sasuke's not -- Naruto!"
"Whaaat?!"
"I'm not gay, okay, it's -- it's just him! I can't get him out of my head and I really hate him for it some days but I -- I'm not gay." He deflates, massages his brow like he's got a headache. "Or maybe I'm in denial, you don't need to tell me. Like I didn't spend my life so far telling people having goddamn pink hair didn't ... And Sasuke-kun is definitely not into guys!"
"Um yeah, he'd have to be into humans first?" Haru glares at her for the quip. Naruto snickers. "Just kidding. I dunno, he seemed to like it well enough the other night, you know? There sure was a lot of cock-to-cock rubbing action for a straight guy."
Haru blushes. Naruto leers, though she can feel her cheeks heating up in reaction.
"So, problem solved. You go and ask him out, and then you can be the kid's awesome gay uncles!"
She grins until her cheeks hurt about half as much as her heart.
When Sasuke comes back through the trees a few seconds later Haru-chan is still glaring at her and unable to come up with a comeback, and now he won't try anymore, he'll be too embarrassed, so she considers it an argument won. She turns back to Sasuke and grins at him, too, already thinking how she can convince him to shack up with Haru-chan.
"Listen. Naruto." Oh. Uh oh. That's the determined face. "If the baby's mine, you'll have to marry me."
Wait. "What?"
"If the child is mine," Sasuke explains slowly, like he wants to growl but is stopping himself somehow oh my god look at me I'm so patient, "that makes him or her my heir. He has to be an Uchiha."
She stares some more. Then she gets up, rocks forward onto her toes. Beside her Haru's mouth is falling open in that perfect 'oh shit' expression and she doesn't even care.
"Uh, yeah, except for one tiny little thing. It'll be nice and all if you want to be a dad. And I won't spit on anything that can help me spoil her rotten." And she loves Sasuke like crazy already and she thinks she'd melt if she saw him holding her baby. "But the kid doesn't have to be anything. She's already mine."
When Tsunade's ANBU comes to get her a half-hour later for the reopened council session, he finds her and Sasuke still yelling insults to each other at the top of their voice, surrounded by the really embarrassed cops the neighbors called on them for disturbing the peace.
+
One thing is sure, she thinks later on, arms crossed and glowering and ignoring the council morons who think they matter enough for her to glare at them; her teammates suck at proposals. One of them all 'I should ask but' and the other one not even asking at all. The next time a proposal happens she'll be the one making it; in the meantime she's fine as a single mom, thankyouverymuch.
Haru-chan and Sasuke will be her kid's happy gay uncles if she has to tie them up naked together on an altar.
Dynamics repercussions there are that Sasuke was somewhat protective of girlsakura even when he kinda dismissed her for being weak, but a weak *guy* means the sasuke/sakura side of the triangle is even weaker than the canon universe. There are other repercussions but hopefully they'll be obvious in this fic and the uhh porny sequel I'll post tomorrow don't judge me.
This scene happens right after this.
So they're hiding under an awning on someone's roof-garden where the trees muffle sound and they can see people coming, and they've had the "just so you know the brat one of you two knocked me up with might come out kinda demony" talk. So now they're sitting there all quiet-like as Sasuke-bastard stares straight through her skull all intense and broody and Haru-chan stares at what he can see of the sky through the huge leaves of enormous potted trees (in other words, not a lot of sky) and Naruto pretends she's staring at something super important that she's currently digging out of the dirt of the pot she sits on with a little stick she picked up.
She loves her teammates, but like fuck she is going to ask them to please stay, now that she's entrapped them with her slutty womb (fuck you, Kanemoto.) She's strong. She can manage alone.
Well. Not really alone anymore, now is she. She rubs her belly discreetly, tries not to look too bewildered. Her eyes are prickling a little. Heh.
"What are you going to do?" Haru-chan asks her all quiet-like. He looks a little guilty, it's weird, maybe he feels bad for potentially knocking her up. Naruto laughs and nudges him with her foot.
"Raise her, what else? Or him." Her mind is, frankly, blown. "Oh man. I gotta figure out a name, and, and learn about baby food and preschool and stuff."
"Then you're keeping -- ah."
She stares at him, tilts her head, frowning a bit. "Course I'm keeping the kid. I'd like to see anyone take her away." She imagines her child in an orphanage, or with a surrogate who hates her just for being born, and she wants to make a visit to Kyuubi and ask him if he'd lend her his fangs for a rampage or three.
They'll have to kill me first, she promises the tiny cluster of cells in her belly.
Sasuke is quiet. He's been quiet ever since they walked in to find her with Tsunade and asked if they could borrow her for a minute or thirty. But it's the kind of quiet where you can tell he's thinking really loud.
"You guys can be her awesome uncles. And I guess Kakashi-sensei can be her old uncle, and Jiraiya her decrepit perverted great-uncle or whatever." She grins, and if it's more to convince herself and them of it, she tries not to let it show. "It'll be great."
"We can't be her uncles if one of us is her father," Sasuke says, and she didn't expect anger so she blinks for a bit.
"Sure you can, stupid! You can be her, her sperm donor and not have to be her daddy. It's fine. She's mine either way, so that's okay." She'll love her enough for three. Ten. For the entire world.
Haru-chan looks miserable and Sasuke-bastard quietly furious. Naruto looks back and forth between them, bewildered.
"What's the matter? You signed up for sex, not to change diapers and stuff, I'm not gonna hold you responsible for that."
Sasuke snarls something wordless and opens his mouth and she honestly has no idea what's going to come out but she's already bristling; but then he reins himself in and turns his back on her, shoulders all stiff, and he snaps at Haru-chan, "Keep her here," and then he's gone. The trees rustle and swing like a gale just went through.
Naruto blinks a lot and then sits back down slowly. Usually when Sasuke is so pissed off he needs to hit something, he hits her. It's fine, she can hit back. She likes it, even -- not getting hit so much, but the fighting itself. Intense. She's not used to him leaving to go punch something else; it's weirdly unsettling.
"Uh, Haru-chan? What just happened?"
"I -- Naruto." He rakes his hand through his hair and doesn't look at her.
He looks guilty, she thinks, understands. She forces a smile. "You know it was just the Kyuubi thing that made you sleep with me, yeah? There's no need, I mean, it's okay, I understand. It wasn't your fault I got knocked up. It was more mine than anyone's, I should have paid more attention."
He scrunches his eyes closed. He looks wretched now, and she winces. She doesn't get how but apparently she's just managed to make it worse. Great.
"...Haru-chan?"
And now she sounds all unsure and she feels guilty too and it's all so wrong. She looks away. Damnit.
She doesn't expect Haru to shove himself off his perch and go to her. He freezes again before her, a hand on her shoulder, but it's okay; she takes over from there, throws her arms around his waist and holds on tight. He hugs her back around the shoulders, slow and cautious but he still means it so it's fine with her.
"I'm sorry," they say together. Naruto tilts her head back and blinks bothersome dampness out of her eyes to glare up at him.
"Sorry for what?"
Haru's arms free her slowly; he sits on the edge of the tree pot beside her, his elbow touching hers. "... You shouldn't have to do this alone."
"I won't be alone," she assures him, a little desperate. "I'll have the baby. And I'll make you guys babysit!"
"Naruto!" he interrupts. "That's not what -- I mean -- if I -- aw, crap." He slumps, elbows on his knees. "Just..."
She nudges his foot with hers tentatively. "What's wrong?"
He scrunches his eyes closed again, ducks his head. "I should be doing the honorable thing, ask you if you -- if we -- I should -- we ought to get married."
Naruto stares at him. "... We should?" It doesn't sound like a proposal.
"Yes! But I -- but it's -- you're my teammate and I like you and I want to stand by you, and you -- the times we dated, they were fun, but --"
He's all but tearing out his hair by now. Naruto tilts her head, weirdly fascinated, even though his words make her feel a tiny bit queasy with apprehension. "But?"
"It wouldn't be fair to you. I... I'm in love with someone else."
"...Oh."
She has known Haru-chan for years now, and she never even suspected. "Is it Ino?" she asks, because Ino is the only girl she knows Haru to have been even slightly close to, even though he ditched her back at the academy because everyone was picking on him for being best friends with a girl. It would make sense, she thinks, even though the notion gives her uncomfortable pangs in her stomach.
Haru laughs, though, but kinda like he's wishing he could cry. "I wish it were Ino."
Naruto bites her lip and pats his arm. "So, uh. Who is she, then?" It's got to be a real complicated situation, some sort of impossible unrequited thing, or he wouldn't look so hurt. She hates seeing him like that even more than she hates that she didn't know. "You know I wouldn't ever tell, right?"
He mumbles something under his breath and she goes "uh" because she could swear she just heard him say "It's Sasuke."
Then she goes "oh" because it makes a crazed sort of sense. Haru-chan and Sasuke... Sometimes Naruto thought that Haru admired Sasuke. Sometimes she thought he kind of hated him. She understood that, though. She'd find it really hard if he was so much better than her, too. So far above, where she couldn't reach.
"Oh. Me too."
Haru's head snaps up and he stares at her. Naruto can only shrug helplessly and scratch the back of her head.
"I just never wanted to tell him because he's kind of a huge dickwad and I really didn't wanna figure out if he'd be the kind of guy who gets all bent out of shape if his girlfriend is stronger than him, you know?" She squirms a little, looks away. "Also, um, I err you too and so, you know, better to have neither of you. Being teammates is way more important."
She pauses.
She blinks.
"Also I was sure he was gay anyway oh god my gaydar got the wrong one."
Haru-chan splutters and draws himself up and glares. "I'm not -- Sasuke's not -- Naruto!"
"Whaaat?!"
"I'm not gay, okay, it's -- it's just him! I can't get him out of my head and I really hate him for it some days but I -- I'm not gay." He deflates, massages his brow like he's got a headache. "Or maybe I'm in denial, you don't need to tell me. Like I didn't spend my life so far telling people having goddamn pink hair didn't ... And Sasuke-kun is definitely not into guys!"
"Um yeah, he'd have to be into humans first?" Haru glares at her for the quip. Naruto snickers. "Just kidding. I dunno, he seemed to like it well enough the other night, you know? There sure was a lot of cock-to-cock rubbing action for a straight guy."
Haru blushes. Naruto leers, though she can feel her cheeks heating up in reaction.
"So, problem solved. You go and ask him out, and then you can be the kid's awesome gay uncles!"
She grins until her cheeks hurt about half as much as her heart.
When Sasuke comes back through the trees a few seconds later Haru-chan is still glaring at her and unable to come up with a comeback, and now he won't try anymore, he'll be too embarrassed, so she considers it an argument won. She turns back to Sasuke and grins at him, too, already thinking how she can convince him to shack up with Haru-chan.
"Listen. Naruto." Oh. Uh oh. That's the determined face. "If the baby's mine, you'll have to marry me."
Wait. "What?"
"If the child is mine," Sasuke explains slowly, like he wants to growl but is stopping himself somehow oh my god look at me I'm so patient, "that makes him or her my heir. He has to be an Uchiha."
She stares some more. Then she gets up, rocks forward onto her toes. Beside her Haru's mouth is falling open in that perfect 'oh shit' expression and she doesn't even care.
"Uh, yeah, except for one tiny little thing. It'll be nice and all if you want to be a dad. And I won't spit on anything that can help me spoil her rotten." And she loves Sasuke like crazy already and she thinks she'd melt if she saw him holding her baby. "But the kid doesn't have to be anything. She's already mine."
When Tsunade's ANBU comes to get her a half-hour later for the reopened council session, he finds her and Sasuke still yelling insults to each other at the top of their voice, surrounded by the really embarrassed cops the neighbors called on them for disturbing the peace.
+
One thing is sure, she thinks later on, arms crossed and glowering and ignoring the council morons who think they matter enough for her to glare at them; her teammates suck at proposals. One of them all 'I should ask but' and the other one not even asking at all. The next time a proposal happens she'll be the one making it; in the meantime she's fine as a single mom, thankyouverymuch.
Haru-chan and Sasuke will be her kid's happy gay uncles if she has to tie them up naked together on an altar.