Angry In Swansea
MESSAGE RECIEVED:
From: PA Watson (email redacted)
Sir, it's come to my attention that one of your co-workers may have been involved in the 'hooligan incident' at the Renaissance Festival in Swansea. I imagine that you may have heard of it - it's been all over the local news. This person arrived in the company of a grotesque creature (most realistic fright mask ever made) dressed in a boiler suit with tacked-on Edwardian ruffles. The creature then proceeded to attack anyone who said the word "huzzah!". While it appeared that the creature's teeth had been blunted, there were still numerous injuries, particularly amongst the Court. The perpetrator (dressed as a jester, quite inaccurately, I might add) then embarrassed the contestants in the sword-fighting competition with non-recognized moves, stole three kegs of ale from a vendor, and finally swanned off with the only good-looking wench and two of the knights. He was also seen leering at the jousting horses. This completely despicable behavior may have enlivened the proceedings some, but likely many young Renaissance fans left with a completely inappropriate view of the event.
You may wonder how I came to the conclusion that a Sekrit Organization in Cardiff could be the source of this trouble? Perhaps you should inquire with the gentleman who showed up and SHOT THE CREATURE IN THE FACE, and then treated everyone in attendance to a round of ale and/or soft drinks. He gleefully shouted "Torchwood!" at what seemed to be, for him, a climactic moment. Please tell this gentleman (for me) that 1940's RAF gear is just NOT ON at a Ren Faire. Also, some of us do not drink ale, OR soft drinks.
I am highly put out, Sir. Highly.
Perhaps you could compensate with the phone number of the gentleman with the sword?
***
REPLY SENT:
From: I Jones (askaboutcoffee)
Mr. Watson,
My deepest apologies in re: the hooliganism at the Swansea Renaissance Festival. While I myself am no fan of gratuitous huzzah, that is no excuse for mauling even by appropriately dressed grotesques, let alone those out of period for the setting.
I do take issue, however, with the idea of there being only one good-looking wench in the lot. I personally saw several while I was engaged in cleanup operations. In that vein, we may require you to meet with one of our representatives over a pint of absolutely un-spiked beer (or beverage of your choice) at your earliest convenience. I can be in Swansea fairly quickly, if necessary.
I'm afraid our organisation cannot give out telephone numbers of our employees (he refuses to use his mobile at any rate) but it may be possible for me to arrange a meeting between the two of you if he promises to behave himself at future Festivals.
I remain yrs. sincerely,
Ianto Jones
PS: Regarding the heroic figure who shot the creature in the face, perhaps he was dressed as a time-traveler merely visiting the era in which your Faire was set.
PPS: Hart, I swear to god, I'm going to shoot you in your sleep someday.
***
All of which is to say that this:
From: Captain John Hart (oh.doask)
I'll think a report at the screen later.
No need to wave the reprimand post-its around. Spare time, Jones.
Hart
PS: Ask him if the wench wore a fireman uniform!
Is not an acceptable "incident report". I want a proper one filled out and turned in ASAP, Hart. No fairy cakes till you do it. Hide from the Doctor in the basement for all I care, but get the paperwork done.
From: PA Watson (email redacted)
Sir, it's come to my attention that one of your co-workers may have been involved in the 'hooligan incident' at the Renaissance Festival in Swansea. I imagine that you may have heard of it - it's been all over the local news. This person arrived in the company of a grotesque creature (most realistic fright mask ever made) dressed in a boiler suit with tacked-on Edwardian ruffles. The creature then proceeded to attack anyone who said the word "huzzah!". While it appeared that the creature's teeth had been blunted, there were still numerous injuries, particularly amongst the Court. The perpetrator (dressed as a jester, quite inaccurately, I might add) then embarrassed the contestants in the sword-fighting competition with non-recognized moves, stole three kegs of ale from a vendor, and finally swanned off with the only good-looking wench and two of the knights. He was also seen leering at the jousting horses. This completely despicable behavior may have enlivened the proceedings some, but likely many young Renaissance fans left with a completely inappropriate view of the event.
You may wonder how I came to the conclusion that a Sekrit Organization in Cardiff could be the source of this trouble? Perhaps you should inquire with the gentleman who showed up and SHOT THE CREATURE IN THE FACE, and then treated everyone in attendance to a round of ale and/or soft drinks. He gleefully shouted "Torchwood!" at what seemed to be, for him, a climactic moment. Please tell this gentleman (for me) that 1940's RAF gear is just NOT ON at a Ren Faire. Also, some of us do not drink ale, OR soft drinks.
I am highly put out, Sir. Highly.
Perhaps you could compensate with the phone number of the gentleman with the sword?
***
REPLY SENT:
From: I Jones (askaboutcoffee)
Mr. Watson,
My deepest apologies in re: the hooliganism at the Swansea Renaissance Festival. While I myself am no fan of gratuitous huzzah, that is no excuse for mauling even by appropriately dressed grotesques, let alone those out of period for the setting.
I do take issue, however, with the idea of there being only one good-looking wench in the lot. I personally saw several while I was engaged in cleanup operations. In that vein, we may require you to meet with one of our representatives over a pint of absolutely un-spiked beer (or beverage of your choice) at your earliest convenience. I can be in Swansea fairly quickly, if necessary.
I'm afraid our organisation cannot give out telephone numbers of our employees (he refuses to use his mobile at any rate) but it may be possible for me to arrange a meeting between the two of you if he promises to behave himself at future Festivals.
I remain yrs. sincerely,
Ianto Jones
PS: Regarding the heroic figure who shot the creature in the face, perhaps he was dressed as a time-traveler merely visiting the era in which your Faire was set.
PPS: Hart, I swear to god, I'm going to shoot you in your sleep someday.
***
All of which is to say that this:
From: Captain John Hart (oh.doask)
I'll think a report at the screen later.
No need to wave the reprimand post-its around. Spare time, Jones.
Hart
PS: Ask him if the wench wore a fireman uniform!
Is not an acceptable "incident report". I want a proper one filled out and turned in ASAP, Hart. No fairy cakes till you do it. Hide from the Doctor in the basement for all I care, but get the paperwork done.