Its Just a Ride 1/1 (Dean POV, D/B) Hard R - Light NC-17
Title: Its Just a Ride. 1/1
Author: Me ----- Melissa
Rating: Hard R or Soft NC-17 *in some parts*
Spoilers: None. If you have seen all episodes aired of SPN so far and all BTVS episodes than you should be safe.
Word Count: 3000+
AN/Disclaimer: None of these characters belong to me. They are from other people.... lucky ass people. I wish I could own them... but I don't.
AN2: Um... this is my first forray into SPN fic... and its been a really long time since I have written BTVS. Veronica Mars has had my brain for the last couple of years... So this is my virgin piece for this fandom.
AN3: This is written from Dean in 2nd POV.
Mucho Kisses go to Lisa for the beta.
I hope you like.
You used to think that things were easy. The hunt - the kill. It always used to be something that you enjoyed, something that got your blood racing, pumping. Something that you loved because it made you feel special, it made you a part of the family.
You barely remember your mom, but you can still feel the heat of the fire and the weight of Sammy in your arms. At night when you close your eyes you can still hear your father ordering you - what he always did - to take Sam and get out as fast as you can. And you did.
You knew, even at that young age, watching your house burn, the smoking making pictures in the sky, that nothing would ever be the same again. Your family would never be the same again. You wouldn’t be the same again.
--
You grow up.
It hurt like hell sometimes, but you did. You learn to shoot and load a gun, how to read ancient ruins, how to destroy harmful spirits and you never questioned your father and his beliefs that everything excluding some humans is evil. They all need to be killed.
It becomes a routine. You learn how to use a new weapon and Sam tells dad he wants a normal life. You take on your first haunting by yourself and Sam tells dad he aced his calculus exam and he is thinking of going to college someday.
Day in and day out, you make your father proud, enjoying the life that you lead, whereas Sam seems to be drifting farther apart from you. He’s always buried in some book learning something new - something that will not help you on the hunt, and may get him killed someday, and you learn all you can from your father. You know that in this job that one day he won’t be there and it will be up to Sam and you take the reins.
It’s a job you will gladly take, especially if it makes your father proud of you.
--
You close your eyes and cover your ears to drown out the voices. You don’t want to hear it.
You don’t want to hear that Sammy has gotten into college and that he wants to be free of this life. You don’t want to hear the sounds of your father yelling at him - telling him, that if he leaves he’s is not welcomed back.
But you do. And that night you sob. Your face blanketed by your baby brother’s pillow. Your family has just been split again, and it tears you up inside.
--
After Sam’s departure - you can’t call him Sammy anymore - you try harder to be better for your dad. It doesn’t matter that he goes on more hunts by himself and leaves you in some dead wash town, because you stay there and try to take out as many demons you can.
Your father doesn’t usually leave you alone for all that long and it’s during one of his trips away from you that he dumps you in some evil little town called Sunnydale. The funny thing about it is that the town that has the biggest death rate in California - and you have seen a lot, but it’s in this small town that you meet your destiny.
You meet her.
It was by accident really.
You were looking for a hunt - which wasn’t an unusual thing to do while your father was away and heard some pulse pounding music. You followed it into the small club, walking up the stairs to the balcony, to look down on the dancers below.
You don’t know what it was about her that caught your eye, but watching her body move to the music in its own beautiful melody, you knew that she was going to change your life.
You follow her to the bar and buy her a drink. She’s beautiful and tiny, a small sheen of sweat covering her body that made her glow. You talk about inane things, stupid things really, and she rushes away after finishing her drink, leaving you alone with only a name.
Buffy.
Who the hell would name someone Buffy?
--
You run into her a year later at a club in Cleveland. You had heard about Sunnydale and were saddened to think of her not making it out. When you see her she looks a lot younger than she did that last time. It looks as if the load on her shoulders has lifted and it makes her look ten times more beautiful.
She doesn’t escape you this time though and after buying her another drink and dancing with her on the dance floor. Your hands gladly dance along her golden flesh, teasing and caressing with every pass.
One of her arms a lock around your neck, her backside pushing against you, leaving an ache that will not go away.
She turns in your arms, looking up with sparkling green eyes, a devilish smile lighting her face. You can tell what she wants, what she needs. It’s the same for you. Both of you have been frenzied since you set your eyes on each other.
You pull her along with you to the edge of the club, hiding in the shadows, claiming her mouth with yours. It’s a dirty kiss, filled with no finesse. It’s a kiss filled with tongue, spit, heat and passion and you’ve never felt like this before.
She grinds into you trying to find purchase, to find release, and you lift her leg up around your waist - her skirt riding up her thighs, giving her something to move to. Your hips begin to move unconsciously while taking her mouth in another sinful kiss.
She finally pulls away from you catching her breath and you whine, it shames you later when you are alone in bed, hand gliding over your cock as you recall the last few hours that you have her in bed.
But all in all the night was good, with you fucking her deep into your bed, knowing somehow - not quite sure though, that she can take all that you gave her, all the power inside of you. She didn’t wince when you pushed her harder, plunged into her deeper. She only moaned out your name, coming harder, squeezing you with muscles that you had never felt before.
You came with her name on your lips, kissing her softly, which was a stark contrast to your previous actions.
You close your eyes, curling your body around hers. Eyes tired, body sated, shutting down from the best fuck you’ve had in a while.
You wake up hours later and she’s gone. Her scent on the pillow.
You lay back with a smile.
She just had to be a mystery woman.
--
As much as it pains you that you can’t find your dad, it also makes you happy because even though he’s missing, Sam and you are together again. It tears you apart to see him after what happened to Jessica, knowing that he loved her. Loved her with everything that was inside of him, and now the last way he has to remember her is with blood dripping off the ceiling, a fire consuming her.
After Jessica, Sam puts himself back into the work he walked away from. You guide him as much as you can. He has vengeance on his mind - and so do you, but mostly you want to keep your remaining family alive. You don’t think you could take loosing Sam or your father.
It’s still weird being around Sam again, but sooner then your realize you are slipping back into the older brother role of calling him Sammy which pisses him off, yet makes him laugh at the same time.
It warms your heart when you hear him laugh the first time after Jessica. It warms your heart so bad that that was the best feeling the entire day. Knowing that you could take his mind off of her.
You’re the big brother. You were supposed to protect him and you didn’t. You couldn’t protect him from loosing his love, his everything. But you can protect him from loosing his life.
You made a promise to yourself and to your father to protect him a long time ago.
Nothing has changed since then, but at the same time everything has.
You’re going to do better for him this time than you did last time. You have to. The alternative is something you don’t want to think of.
--
Years ago, when you watched your life go up in flames, you promised yourself that you wouldn’t go back there. You wouldn’t. That place was nothing more than pain; tears, heartache and horridness, and you promised that you would never go back there.
You promised and promises mean something to you.
But you break that one.
It scares you that Sammy is having visions and that they come true. It terrifies you that he is so scared and he doesn’t know what is going on with everything. It scares you even more that you don’t know what is going on.
You can’t contact dad, and when you try he doesn’t answer. You can’t talk to Sammy about what is going on inside. You can’t really talk to anyone and then you see her.
And you see her in the last place you ever thought you would. In a cemetery. Beating the shit out of a vampire. You watch amazed as she stakes that fucker and he explodes into a pile of fucking dust and she laughs as her cell rings. You hear her tell whoever is on the other line that yes, she has cleaned out the nest and that the demon was dead.
You move to step forward, accidentally stepping on a twig, making it break. The sound has her turning towards you, her eyes widening in amazement. She whispers out your name and you step forward.
A vampire, she fucking killed a vampire. That could only mean one thing…
--
A Vampire Slayer? She’s a fucking Vampire Slayer. The oldest she tells you. You hear her life story and you tell her about yourself. Sammy is asleep at the motel, sleeping off the latest hunt. Seeing mom has been hell for both of you, but Sammy is taking it a little harder.
Buffy and you talk about the things that had happened in your life between the time she left your arms in a warm bed, till now. It’s most lifting experience being able to talk to someone who understands what its like to be a hunter and trying to protect a younger sibling.
It still amazes you the things she told you that night. You didn’t have much time to describe everything, she’s got a flight to catch and Dawn is coming soon.
She walks you back to the motel and Sammy comes out still looking sleep rumpled and grumbles a hello to Buffy while lifting an eyebrow at you. You smile and she laughs.
This must be the little brother.
You nod. She says hello and a taxi pulls up, and then she retracts her statement and says goodbye to Sammy. She turns to you, giving you a warm, solid hug. You kiss her forehead and tell her to be careful. She smirks and tells you she will. She then reaches into her back pocket, pulling out a card.
She tells you to call her whenever you need any help or just to talk. You smile, pulling her into another embrace. You breathe her in; remember a night long ago of spent passion, of heated words and an even hotter embrace.
You know this is not the end of you and her. Somehow, somewhere, you two will meet again. The path will open soon enough and you’ll continue this ride.
You wave good bye as the taxi takes off, watching it disappear in the distance. You feel Sammy come closer to you and it takes a minute before he asks who she was, and what you were doing with her.
You tell her that you and she were old friends and that you only spent the night talking. It’s the truth… sort of. He doesn’t need to know all of the details. Those are for you and her only.
You finally tell him her name and at his confused look you finally tell him that she’s the oldest Vampire Slayer. His mouth widens in shock and you laugh. It’s a new day and so far it’s shaping to be one of your best.
--
You are not scared of a lot of things. But one thing you are terrified of is The Demon. He terrifies you because he has the ability to take all that you love away. Growing up you hated him for taking your mother away and you believed that when the time came to, you would be strong enough to take care of the demon that took her away.
You never thought it would end like this.
This ride you have been on since the night your mother died has come to a sudden stop and the last thing that you see is your father’s mouth opened in fright as something barrels into your car.
You slip into unconsciousness leaving the world around you.
It doesn’t surprise you that you dream of Buffy.
--
You hadn’t called her, or seen her since that last time. Sammy had grilled you all about her when he realized that you knew a Vampire Slayer. You wouldn’t tell him anything, except that you had met her a few years ago and that ever since then, every now and then you would run into each other.
You didn’t let him know about your night. Even though you only had her in your bed once, it still was something you dreamed of. Hell, it was even in your mind when you weren’t dreaming.
Sometimes you thought that you saw her. Walking by you, her blonde hair flashing in the distance, her green eyes sparkling at you, but it was never her. She was out doing what she had to do, for the world. Just like you were.
There were so many nights when you longed to call her and ask her to come be with you and help and to tell her that you missed her and that you were scared for Sammy and that sometimes you just wanted a normal life - something that you had never ever really wanted. That had always been Sammy’s dream before it crumbled into a million pieces.
Before you are transported into the hospital walls with that bitch demon who wants your soul, you dream of a normal life. It doesn’t surprise you that Buffy is in it, but what does surprise you is the fact that you see two little girls. One with long blonde hair and brown eyes, and another with long brown hair and mossy green eyes, both a beautiful mix of both you and Buffy. It makes your heart ache when you see Sammy walk in with Jessica and a little toddler perched on her hip that looks up at you and whispers “Uncle Dean.”
But what breaks your heart is when you see your mom and dad walk in. A little older but as much in love as they have ever been. It’s the perfect life and you want it. You want it so bad and even though you know that not all of that is possible, some of it is. Jessica and mom are dead, but Buffy isn’t and those little girls are still possible. It just makes you fight harder when you come up against that demon bitch in the hospital.
It makes you long for that dream. Afterwards when you are awake, and your father has whispered something so precious in your ear, and soon dies, it makes you realize much more how short life is.
And you desperately want to cry for your father, but you can’t. He told you to protect your brother. He’s special and he is going to need you, your father said. Protecting him is the number one thing now. You are the man of the house now.
Your pain can wait and be dealt with at another time.
--
Sammy can see how you are trying to hold in your emotions about dad. He pleads with you just let it all out, to beat something up, to talk to him, to call Buffy, anything to help you through this.
You don’t listen.
And everything that is inside of you is slowly starting to tear you apart.
--
It takes beating the shit out of your car - your baby, before you finally call her. It’s late in the night, the early hours of morning and you’ve been drinking and when she answers it’s a soft little mewl that you remember and it goes straight down south.
When she calls your name you immediately break into tears, everything spilling out of your mouth. You sob out tears for your mother, for your father, for Sammy and finally for you and those two little girls that you dream about every night now.
You sob for your innocence that had been lost a long time ago and you sob because you miss her. She soothes you and asks where you are. You are slightly drifting off to sleep, too much alcohol and tears draining you, leaving you with nothing left.
You whisper the location before falling into a deep sleep. She always has that effect on you.
--
When you wake up Sammy is gone, but something warm is cuddling up to you, stroking her hands through your hair. You have no idea how she got there so fast and then you remember that she has a friend - a witch - who probably just hocus pocused her there.
You don’t really care though because she is there and she is beautiful and she is holding you. You know by looking into her eyes that it’s okay to break down; it’s okay to cry and hold onto something - or someone. She shows him that it’s okay to be weak once in a while.
You sob into her shoulder, letting her soothe you. Her hands never leaving you.
She and you talk all day about anything and everything, but you know there is something she’s not saying. She doesn’t say it, but you know that she can’t stay very much longer, so you cuddle deeper into the swell of her breast as she kisses your forehead. You close your eyes once more and when you awaken she is gone.
You take a look at Sammy who is back in the room looking at you. Your eyes are red and puffy and you are tired, so desperately tired, but at the same time, you are at peace. It’s okay to mourn.
Sammy can tell the difference in you now, and you wonder if Buffy said anything to him before or after she left.
You guess it’s just something that you’ll have to ask her the next time you see her. And you will see her. Somewhere down the road when you aren’t even looking you know that she’ll pop up and you’ll smile.
This ride that she and you are on is just beginning.
But for now, you will carry out your father’s wishes. You will protect Sammy and you will kill the thing that took away your mother and now your father and once it’s safe, you will find Buffy, and you will have that life you saw in your dream.
One day it’ll happen. Life has way of making you go through many twists and turns making you go this way and that, but ultimately you find your destination. And when you do a new destiny will begin. Maybe one that is worst than the last, but you never know. You think you might get your happy ending, but its worth all the heartache and tribulations.
After all, life’s just a ride.
Author: Me ----- Melissa
Rating: Hard R or Soft NC-17 *in some parts*
Spoilers: None. If you have seen all episodes aired of SPN so far and all BTVS episodes than you should be safe.
Word Count: 3000+
AN/Disclaimer: None of these characters belong to me. They are from other people.... lucky ass people. I wish I could own them... but I don't.
AN2: Um... this is my first forray into SPN fic... and its been a really long time since I have written BTVS. Veronica Mars has had my brain for the last couple of years... So this is my virgin piece for this fandom.
AN3: This is written from Dean in 2nd POV.
Mucho Kisses go to Lisa for the beta.
I hope you like.
You used to think that things were easy. The hunt - the kill. It always used to be something that you enjoyed, something that got your blood racing, pumping. Something that you loved because it made you feel special, it made you a part of the family.
You barely remember your mom, but you can still feel the heat of the fire and the weight of Sammy in your arms. At night when you close your eyes you can still hear your father ordering you - what he always did - to take Sam and get out as fast as you can. And you did.
You knew, even at that young age, watching your house burn, the smoking making pictures in the sky, that nothing would ever be the same again. Your family would never be the same again. You wouldn’t be the same again.
--
You grow up.
It hurt like hell sometimes, but you did. You learn to shoot and load a gun, how to read ancient ruins, how to destroy harmful spirits and you never questioned your father and his beliefs that everything excluding some humans is evil. They all need to be killed.
It becomes a routine. You learn how to use a new weapon and Sam tells dad he wants a normal life. You take on your first haunting by yourself and Sam tells dad he aced his calculus exam and he is thinking of going to college someday.
Day in and day out, you make your father proud, enjoying the life that you lead, whereas Sam seems to be drifting farther apart from you. He’s always buried in some book learning something new - something that will not help you on the hunt, and may get him killed someday, and you learn all you can from your father. You know that in this job that one day he won’t be there and it will be up to Sam and you take the reins.
It’s a job you will gladly take, especially if it makes your father proud of you.
--
You close your eyes and cover your ears to drown out the voices. You don’t want to hear it.
You don’t want to hear that Sammy has gotten into college and that he wants to be free of this life. You don’t want to hear the sounds of your father yelling at him - telling him, that if he leaves he’s is not welcomed back.
But you do. And that night you sob. Your face blanketed by your baby brother’s pillow. Your family has just been split again, and it tears you up inside.
--
After Sam’s departure - you can’t call him Sammy anymore - you try harder to be better for your dad. It doesn’t matter that he goes on more hunts by himself and leaves you in some dead wash town, because you stay there and try to take out as many demons you can.
Your father doesn’t usually leave you alone for all that long and it’s during one of his trips away from you that he dumps you in some evil little town called Sunnydale. The funny thing about it is that the town that has the biggest death rate in California - and you have seen a lot, but it’s in this small town that you meet your destiny.
You meet her.
It was by accident really.
You were looking for a hunt - which wasn’t an unusual thing to do while your father was away and heard some pulse pounding music. You followed it into the small club, walking up the stairs to the balcony, to look down on the dancers below.
You don’t know what it was about her that caught your eye, but watching her body move to the music in its own beautiful melody, you knew that she was going to change your life.
You follow her to the bar and buy her a drink. She’s beautiful and tiny, a small sheen of sweat covering her body that made her glow. You talk about inane things, stupid things really, and she rushes away after finishing her drink, leaving you alone with only a name.
Buffy.
Who the hell would name someone Buffy?
--
You run into her a year later at a club in Cleveland. You had heard about Sunnydale and were saddened to think of her not making it out. When you see her she looks a lot younger than she did that last time. It looks as if the load on her shoulders has lifted and it makes her look ten times more beautiful.
She doesn’t escape you this time though and after buying her another drink and dancing with her on the dance floor. Your hands gladly dance along her golden flesh, teasing and caressing with every pass.
One of her arms a lock around your neck, her backside pushing against you, leaving an ache that will not go away.
She turns in your arms, looking up with sparkling green eyes, a devilish smile lighting her face. You can tell what she wants, what she needs. It’s the same for you. Both of you have been frenzied since you set your eyes on each other.
You pull her along with you to the edge of the club, hiding in the shadows, claiming her mouth with yours. It’s a dirty kiss, filled with no finesse. It’s a kiss filled with tongue, spit, heat and passion and you’ve never felt like this before.
She grinds into you trying to find purchase, to find release, and you lift her leg up around your waist - her skirt riding up her thighs, giving her something to move to. Your hips begin to move unconsciously while taking her mouth in another sinful kiss.
She finally pulls away from you catching her breath and you whine, it shames you later when you are alone in bed, hand gliding over your cock as you recall the last few hours that you have her in bed.
But all in all the night was good, with you fucking her deep into your bed, knowing somehow - not quite sure though, that she can take all that you gave her, all the power inside of you. She didn’t wince when you pushed her harder, plunged into her deeper. She only moaned out your name, coming harder, squeezing you with muscles that you had never felt before.
You came with her name on your lips, kissing her softly, which was a stark contrast to your previous actions.
You close your eyes, curling your body around hers. Eyes tired, body sated, shutting down from the best fuck you’ve had in a while.
You wake up hours later and she’s gone. Her scent on the pillow.
You lay back with a smile.
She just had to be a mystery woman.
--
As much as it pains you that you can’t find your dad, it also makes you happy because even though he’s missing, Sam and you are together again. It tears you apart to see him after what happened to Jessica, knowing that he loved her. Loved her with everything that was inside of him, and now the last way he has to remember her is with blood dripping off the ceiling, a fire consuming her.
After Jessica, Sam puts himself back into the work he walked away from. You guide him as much as you can. He has vengeance on his mind - and so do you, but mostly you want to keep your remaining family alive. You don’t think you could take loosing Sam or your father.
It’s still weird being around Sam again, but sooner then your realize you are slipping back into the older brother role of calling him Sammy which pisses him off, yet makes him laugh at the same time.
It warms your heart when you hear him laugh the first time after Jessica. It warms your heart so bad that that was the best feeling the entire day. Knowing that you could take his mind off of her.
You’re the big brother. You were supposed to protect him and you didn’t. You couldn’t protect him from loosing his love, his everything. But you can protect him from loosing his life.
You made a promise to yourself and to your father to protect him a long time ago.
Nothing has changed since then, but at the same time everything has.
You’re going to do better for him this time than you did last time. You have to. The alternative is something you don’t want to think of.
--
Years ago, when you watched your life go up in flames, you promised yourself that you wouldn’t go back there. You wouldn’t. That place was nothing more than pain; tears, heartache and horridness, and you promised that you would never go back there.
You promised and promises mean something to you.
But you break that one.
It scares you that Sammy is having visions and that they come true. It terrifies you that he is so scared and he doesn’t know what is going on with everything. It scares you even more that you don’t know what is going on.
You can’t contact dad, and when you try he doesn’t answer. You can’t talk to Sammy about what is going on inside. You can’t really talk to anyone and then you see her.
And you see her in the last place you ever thought you would. In a cemetery. Beating the shit out of a vampire. You watch amazed as she stakes that fucker and he explodes into a pile of fucking dust and she laughs as her cell rings. You hear her tell whoever is on the other line that yes, she has cleaned out the nest and that the demon was dead.
You move to step forward, accidentally stepping on a twig, making it break. The sound has her turning towards you, her eyes widening in amazement. She whispers out your name and you step forward.
A vampire, she fucking killed a vampire. That could only mean one thing…
--
A Vampire Slayer? She’s a fucking Vampire Slayer. The oldest she tells you. You hear her life story and you tell her about yourself. Sammy is asleep at the motel, sleeping off the latest hunt. Seeing mom has been hell for both of you, but Sammy is taking it a little harder.
Buffy and you talk about the things that had happened in your life between the time she left your arms in a warm bed, till now. It’s most lifting experience being able to talk to someone who understands what its like to be a hunter and trying to protect a younger sibling.
It still amazes you the things she told you that night. You didn’t have much time to describe everything, she’s got a flight to catch and Dawn is coming soon.
She walks you back to the motel and Sammy comes out still looking sleep rumpled and grumbles a hello to Buffy while lifting an eyebrow at you. You smile and she laughs.
This must be the little brother.
You nod. She says hello and a taxi pulls up, and then she retracts her statement and says goodbye to Sammy. She turns to you, giving you a warm, solid hug. You kiss her forehead and tell her to be careful. She smirks and tells you she will. She then reaches into her back pocket, pulling out a card.
She tells you to call her whenever you need any help or just to talk. You smile, pulling her into another embrace. You breathe her in; remember a night long ago of spent passion, of heated words and an even hotter embrace.
You know this is not the end of you and her. Somehow, somewhere, you two will meet again. The path will open soon enough and you’ll continue this ride.
You wave good bye as the taxi takes off, watching it disappear in the distance. You feel Sammy come closer to you and it takes a minute before he asks who she was, and what you were doing with her.
You tell her that you and she were old friends and that you only spent the night talking. It’s the truth… sort of. He doesn’t need to know all of the details. Those are for you and her only.
You finally tell him her name and at his confused look you finally tell him that she’s the oldest Vampire Slayer. His mouth widens in shock and you laugh. It’s a new day and so far it’s shaping to be one of your best.
--
You are not scared of a lot of things. But one thing you are terrified of is The Demon. He terrifies you because he has the ability to take all that you love away. Growing up you hated him for taking your mother away and you believed that when the time came to, you would be strong enough to take care of the demon that took her away.
You never thought it would end like this.
This ride you have been on since the night your mother died has come to a sudden stop and the last thing that you see is your father’s mouth opened in fright as something barrels into your car.
You slip into unconsciousness leaving the world around you.
It doesn’t surprise you that you dream of Buffy.
--
You hadn’t called her, or seen her since that last time. Sammy had grilled you all about her when he realized that you knew a Vampire Slayer. You wouldn’t tell him anything, except that you had met her a few years ago and that ever since then, every now and then you would run into each other.
You didn’t let him know about your night. Even though you only had her in your bed once, it still was something you dreamed of. Hell, it was even in your mind when you weren’t dreaming.
Sometimes you thought that you saw her. Walking by you, her blonde hair flashing in the distance, her green eyes sparkling at you, but it was never her. She was out doing what she had to do, for the world. Just like you were.
There were so many nights when you longed to call her and ask her to come be with you and help and to tell her that you missed her and that you were scared for Sammy and that sometimes you just wanted a normal life - something that you had never ever really wanted. That had always been Sammy’s dream before it crumbled into a million pieces.
Before you are transported into the hospital walls with that bitch demon who wants your soul, you dream of a normal life. It doesn’t surprise you that Buffy is in it, but what does surprise you is the fact that you see two little girls. One with long blonde hair and brown eyes, and another with long brown hair and mossy green eyes, both a beautiful mix of both you and Buffy. It makes your heart ache when you see Sammy walk in with Jessica and a little toddler perched on her hip that looks up at you and whispers “Uncle Dean.”
But what breaks your heart is when you see your mom and dad walk in. A little older but as much in love as they have ever been. It’s the perfect life and you want it. You want it so bad and even though you know that not all of that is possible, some of it is. Jessica and mom are dead, but Buffy isn’t and those little girls are still possible. It just makes you fight harder when you come up against that demon bitch in the hospital.
It makes you long for that dream. Afterwards when you are awake, and your father has whispered something so precious in your ear, and soon dies, it makes you realize much more how short life is.
And you desperately want to cry for your father, but you can’t. He told you to protect your brother. He’s special and he is going to need you, your father said. Protecting him is the number one thing now. You are the man of the house now.
Your pain can wait and be dealt with at another time.
--
Sammy can see how you are trying to hold in your emotions about dad. He pleads with you just let it all out, to beat something up, to talk to him, to call Buffy, anything to help you through this.
You don’t listen.
And everything that is inside of you is slowly starting to tear you apart.
--
It takes beating the shit out of your car - your baby, before you finally call her. It’s late in the night, the early hours of morning and you’ve been drinking and when she answers it’s a soft little mewl that you remember and it goes straight down south.
When she calls your name you immediately break into tears, everything spilling out of your mouth. You sob out tears for your mother, for your father, for Sammy and finally for you and those two little girls that you dream about every night now.
You sob for your innocence that had been lost a long time ago and you sob because you miss her. She soothes you and asks where you are. You are slightly drifting off to sleep, too much alcohol and tears draining you, leaving you with nothing left.
You whisper the location before falling into a deep sleep. She always has that effect on you.
--
When you wake up Sammy is gone, but something warm is cuddling up to you, stroking her hands through your hair. You have no idea how she got there so fast and then you remember that she has a friend - a witch - who probably just hocus pocused her there.
You don’t really care though because she is there and she is beautiful and she is holding you. You know by looking into her eyes that it’s okay to break down; it’s okay to cry and hold onto something - or someone. She shows him that it’s okay to be weak once in a while.
You sob into her shoulder, letting her soothe you. Her hands never leaving you.
She and you talk all day about anything and everything, but you know there is something she’s not saying. She doesn’t say it, but you know that she can’t stay very much longer, so you cuddle deeper into the swell of her breast as she kisses your forehead. You close your eyes once more and when you awaken she is gone.
You take a look at Sammy who is back in the room looking at you. Your eyes are red and puffy and you are tired, so desperately tired, but at the same time, you are at peace. It’s okay to mourn.
Sammy can tell the difference in you now, and you wonder if Buffy said anything to him before or after she left.
You guess it’s just something that you’ll have to ask her the next time you see her. And you will see her. Somewhere down the road when you aren’t even looking you know that she’ll pop up and you’ll smile.
This ride that she and you are on is just beginning.
But for now, you will carry out your father’s wishes. You will protect Sammy and you will kill the thing that took away your mother and now your father and once it’s safe, you will find Buffy, and you will have that life you saw in your dream.
One day it’ll happen. Life has way of making you go through many twists and turns making you go this way and that, but ultimately you find your destination. And when you do a new destiny will begin. Maybe one that is worst than the last, but you never know. You think you might get your happy ending, but its worth all the heartache and tribulations.
After all, life’s just a ride.