Why, you wanted some Post-Apocalyptic Zombie Whore Fic? Who doesn't, really?
Last night, after a somewhat horrible and traumatic discussion with my mother regarding life partners, luciamad and I had this exchange:
Luc: Who wants to sleep with one person for the rest of their life?
Arsenic: Me. Or, well, I think we've all recognized that if I ever manage to get laid, it will be with one person and that will probably be THE person. I've gotten over being sad about that. I haven't gotten over being sad about the part where I probably don't find that person.
L: We could always pay for someone you wanted to sleep with.
A: I think Ryan Ross is a little out of your price range.
L: Maybe Panic will fail, and they will have to sell themselves for food.
A: You know, I managed to write whore!Draco under some pretty extenuating circumstances, but I don't think I could make that work. Spencer and Jon have families. Ryan could go back to college.
L: Maybe it's post-apocalyptic, and 50% of the population is dead.
So, basically, the radiation from the apocalypse has turned Pete into a scary mutant monster pimp and Hemmy into his scary bulldog enforcer dog. He enslaves the rest of FOB through a combination of grandfathered loyalty and starving them until they obey and he pimps Panic (including a one-eyed Spencer with no depth perception) out to what's left of the public at large.
MCR is a roving band of Zombie hunters, but the problem is, the radiation has caused the Zombies to develop the part of their brain that allows them to know right from wrong and so instead of eating humans--which would clearly be wrong--they eat each other in a gambit to both survive and yet kill themselves off.
(There are actually about twenty real, people-eating Zombies in the world, made by Hemmy--whom Pete has been siccing on people, more on this to follow--whose bite turns people into Zombies with its radioactive, um, something, but MCR goes through those fuckers pretty quickly.)
Bob has lost an arm and Mikey's Lasik has failed in the wake the apocalypse, so Mikey wanders around pretty much blind, with Frank as his loyal seeing-eye boyfriend. In a horrible moment of drama and !!! Mikey becomes separated from Frank. Luckily he is found by Panic, and even more luckily, eye-glasses are something of a black market commodity, so Panic has been stealing them off of Johns.
Once Mikey can see again he explains to them that MCR has set up shop with this Zombie hunting, but that since the Zombies are highly developed it makes their lives kind of pointless but Gerard really just wants to SAVE THE WORLD and does Panic have any idea of howhe could go about that, please?
So Ryan says, "You remember Pete Wentz?"
And Mikey says, "Um." (This was a particular highlight for me, given the tone of voice Luc used for Mikey at that moment. It was HYSTERICAL.)
So Ryan explains that Pete has become this monstrous thing, and even worse--is trying to take over the world by using Hemmy to Zombify the other pimps and take over their territory--which, evidently, the pimps have become the de facto government in this universe.
Panic and MCR hook up and there's this side story about how one-armed Bob--who has developed super-powers, namely, a true phantom arm that comes out at moments of great emotion/adrenaline--and one-eyed Spencer have a couple of beers together and fall TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY IN LOVE.
Then we get back to the main part of the story, where Gerard--who has the completely USELESS super power of a heightened sense of smell (really more of a detriment in Zombie hunting than anything else...)--has found a machine to reverse the effects of the radiation.
(Ray, who has lost all of his hair follicles, and has to wear hats to keep warm, is v. happy about this.)
However, he needs someone to lure FOB away from Pete, so naturally, he sends in whore!Ryan and whore!Brendon with poison spread on their lips.
Ryan: Just because we have to sell ourselves for food doesn't mean we go around just giving it out.
Gerard: But we need to save the world.
Ryan: Fine. But you OWE me.
(I think you all know where this is going...)
Anyway,they end up tranqing Pete and Hemmy and using the machine on them and it's all very anti-climactic and Pete feels horrible about enslaving FOB and pimping out Panic and has to go live in a cabin to escape the shame. Meanwhile Spencer and Bob, Mikey and Frank, and Ryan, Brendon and Gerard all live happily ever after.
She forgot the part where Jon goes to the cabin and SAVES PETE WITH HIS LOVE, but that's okay. I forgive her.
It did make me feel slightly better.
ETA: In COMPLETELY and BIZARRELY coincidental news, evidently today is Blog Like It's The End Of The World Day. Whoa. What was the likelihood?
Luc: Who wants to sleep with one person for the rest of their life?
Arsenic: Me. Or, well, I think we've all recognized that if I ever manage to get laid, it will be with one person and that will probably be THE person. I've gotten over being sad about that. I haven't gotten over being sad about the part where I probably don't find that person.
L: We could always pay for someone you wanted to sleep with.
A: I think Ryan Ross is a little out of your price range.
L: Maybe Panic will fail, and they will have to sell themselves for food.
A: You know, I managed to write whore!Draco under some pretty extenuating circumstances, but I don't think I could make that work. Spencer and Jon have families. Ryan could go back to college.
L: Maybe it's post-apocalyptic, and 50% of the population is dead.
So, basically, the radiation from the apocalypse has turned Pete into a scary mutant monster pimp and Hemmy into his scary bulldog enforcer dog. He enslaves the rest of FOB through a combination of grandfathered loyalty and starving them until they obey and he pimps Panic (including a one-eyed Spencer with no depth perception) out to what's left of the public at large.
MCR is a roving band of Zombie hunters, but the problem is, the radiation has caused the Zombies to develop the part of their brain that allows them to know right from wrong and so instead of eating humans--which would clearly be wrong--they eat each other in a gambit to both survive and yet kill themselves off.
(There are actually about twenty real, people-eating Zombies in the world, made by Hemmy--whom Pete has been siccing on people, more on this to follow--whose bite turns people into Zombies with its radioactive, um, something, but MCR goes through those fuckers pretty quickly.)
Bob has lost an arm and Mikey's Lasik has failed in the wake the apocalypse, so Mikey wanders around pretty much blind, with Frank as his loyal seeing-eye boyfriend. In a horrible moment of drama and !!! Mikey becomes separated from Frank. Luckily he is found by Panic, and even more luckily, eye-glasses are something of a black market commodity, so Panic has been stealing them off of Johns.
Once Mikey can see again he explains to them that MCR has set up shop with this Zombie hunting, but that since the Zombies are highly developed it makes their lives kind of pointless but Gerard really just wants to SAVE THE WORLD and does Panic have any idea of howhe could go about that, please?
So Ryan says, "You remember Pete Wentz?"
And Mikey says, "Um." (This was a particular highlight for me, given the tone of voice Luc used for Mikey at that moment. It was HYSTERICAL.)
So Ryan explains that Pete has become this monstrous thing, and even worse--is trying to take over the world by using Hemmy to Zombify the other pimps and take over their territory--which, evidently, the pimps have become the de facto government in this universe.
Panic and MCR hook up and there's this side story about how one-armed Bob--who has developed super-powers, namely, a true phantom arm that comes out at moments of great emotion/adrenaline--and one-eyed Spencer have a couple of beers together and fall TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY IN LOVE.
Then we get back to the main part of the story, where Gerard--who has the completely USELESS super power of a heightened sense of smell (really more of a detriment in Zombie hunting than anything else...)--has found a machine to reverse the effects of the radiation.
(Ray, who has lost all of his hair follicles, and has to wear hats to keep warm, is v. happy about this.)
However, he needs someone to lure FOB away from Pete, so naturally, he sends in whore!Ryan and whore!Brendon with poison spread on their lips.
Ryan: Just because we have to sell ourselves for food doesn't mean we go around just giving it out.
Gerard: But we need to save the world.
Ryan: Fine. But you OWE me.
(I think you all know where this is going...)
Anyway,they end up tranqing Pete and Hemmy and using the machine on them and it's all very anti-climactic and Pete feels horrible about enslaving FOB and pimping out Panic and has to go live in a cabin to escape the shame. Meanwhile Spencer and Bob, Mikey and Frank, and Ryan, Brendon and Gerard all live happily ever after.
She forgot the part where Jon goes to the cabin and SAVES PETE WITH HIS LOVE, but that's okay. I forgive her.
It did make me feel slightly better.
ETA: In COMPLETELY and BIZARRELY coincidental news, evidently today is Blog Like It's The End Of The World Day. Whoa. What was the likelihood?