DIVISION FIC :: "Ghost Stories :: Track 4" [CD/Jinny, PG13-NC17]
INDEX & DISCLAIMER INFO { DW || LJ }
Track Four: The Wrong Man
"No matter what I say
you're just filling a void in me.
But it's better to know the girl inside.
You're always running toward
the need that you recognize.
But it's better to leave the love behind
'cause you're the wrong man
at the wrong time in my life."
It's going to be a long night, now that I've gotten that phone call.
Mac follows me back to my room and sits patiently -- does she do it any other way? -- while I take a shower, hoping to lose some of the lethargy of my earlier crying binge. Doesn't matter that I know I'll be getting another one before the night's through. Clean the slate between bouts, right? Walking back into my room, I continue to towel off my hair, and stare at Mac for a long moment.
"Don't you ever go home, Mac?"
"Nope," comes the expected reply. "Not usually. I like to be close by when one of my patients is upset. Besides, if it's a slow night, I can get caught up on a lot of paperwork." That last is said with an impish grin.
I don't bother to stop my chuckle. "You need a hobby or something, you know that?" I ask, hanging up the towel and putting away my bath items.
"I've been told that once or twice. But I never listened. I like being able to help. That's why I got into this line of work in the first place. Well, one of the reasons."
Okay, that has me curious. Cocking my head to one side, I lean against the dresser and watch her for a moment. "One of the reasons?"
"Come sit down," she said brightly, patting the place next to her. "This isn't about me. I want to know about CD. And I'd like to think that you'll actually cooperate with me, since I did allow you that phone call from Magda."
I'm caught now, and she knows it, too. I take a deep breath, trying to gather my suddenly swirling thoughts into something cohesive and coherent. I've never really admitted these thoughts and feelings to anyone out loud. In fact, I've kind of been fighting them… for a while now. And now I'm just supposed to let it all out for Mac, some weird case of emotional diarrhea? Yeah, right. But the look on Mac's face pretty much says it all: she isn't going to budge until I spill my guts about what she wants to hear.
Tucking some hair behind my ear as I sit down, I take a deep breath and begin to tell her everything. The dreams. The fantasies. The feelings. Teddy. The other men. The other women. The drinking. Well, the part she doesn't already know about the drinking. All of it. I don't spare her anything. By the time I'm done, I'm shaking worse than I'd been before she came to get me for that phone call from Magda. Do I even need to mention the crying? Or how tightly I've curled myself into a ball at the head of my bed? This is almost as rough as when I'd found my mom.
"Shh, Jinny," she croons softly, pulling me into her arms. "You're going to be fine. This is what I've been waiting for, pushing you to open up about. Now we can really work to get you to the healing you need."
I honestly don't remember much after that. Her voice and my own revelations have utterly exhausted me and I fall into a much-needed healing sleep.
++CD++
The ringing of my cell phone wakes me up. Disoriented from the dreams I've been having, I stretch out my hand, searching for the shrill thing on the couch where I'd fallen asleep. "DeLorenzo," I grumble when I finally find the damned thing.
"CD? Were you sleeping?"
Glancing at the clock, I realize it's only barely eight o'clock. "Sorta. I fell asleep watching some weird snake show on the Discovery Channel. Fucked up dreams. What's up, Magda?"
"I, uh, I just wanted to tell you that I got to talk to Jinny a couple hours ago. I would've called you sooner, but I had to get Ben ready for his dad's."
Her voice sounds funny, but at the sound of Jinny's name, I'm wide awake and sitting up. "You did? How-- How's she doing?"
There's a long enough pause that, if I couldn't hear her tapping her fingernail on the table, I'd swear the connection was cut. And then she finally speaks. "She's doing okay. She, um, said she doesn't hate me." I can hear the relief in her voice at those words. I've known very well just how much that has been bothering Magda over the past couple of weeks. "And she… She wanted me to tell you…"
"Tell me what?" I hope like hell that I don't honestly sound as pathetic and needy as I think I do.
"She's been thinking about you," she finally says.
My heart stops at the implication of those five little words. What the hell do they mean? What the hell does it mean that I am so twitterpated by this revelation? God, does this mean what I think it means? It couldn't be… Could it? The first time this happened, my mother covered it up and forbid me to see another girl for fear that it would make her look bad. It had terrified me, but it never once stopped me from the one night stands, the easy sex with no commitments. The last time I'd given in to the attraction, I'd run scared into the arms of the first man that paid me any attention. And Fate made sure that I paid for it, because he cheated on me. Repeatedly. And yet the divorce, currently still pending, is all my fault, because I couldn't keep him happy enough to stay home.
"CD? You still there?"
Her voice drags me back from my thoughts. "Ah, yeah, Magda. Sorry, I thought I heard something outside." It's a lame ass excuse, but it's the best I can come up with on the fly. "So, um, Jinny was asking about me?"
"Yeah, that's what she said. So, CD…"
"Yeah?" I ask, dreading the question I know she's going to ask. And I have no fucking clue how to answer her if she does.
"Is there… Is there something I should know about here?"
"I don't know," I murmur, running my hand through my hair.
"Just be careful, okay? She's really fragile right now." Ah, ever the watchful Magda, taking care of her partner. She's really damned good at that.
"I know. Listen, I… I'll see you tomorrow at work, okay? I'm gonna go make some dinner and head to bed."
+++++
"You look like shit, CD," I hear the Captain say as I walk in, growling at the empty coffee pot. "Anything going on?"
Oh yeah, Captain. I'm having dreams about someone. Erotic, tender dreams that are driving me completely fucking insane. Oh, and I think I'm falling for your alcoholic Inspector Exstead. And did I mention I can't talk to her about this until she gets out of rehab?
"Just didn't sleep well last night, I guess," I offer, hoping she'll accept it. I can feel her appraising stare on my back as I make my way to my desk. And then I notice that Angela's not at hers. In fact, it's pretty much stripped clean. What the hell?
"Actually, before you get comfortable, I'd like to see you in my office. You, too, Magda."
Dutifully, we both get up and follow her. As we sit down, she hands a sheet of paper to me.
"What's this?" I ask as I take and begin to scan the contents of the document.
"Angela's transferring out of the Division."
The hush in the room is palatable. A quick glance at Magda shows she's just as stunned as I am. Weren't we just talking about… Oh.
"Ah, Captain? When did Angela request the transfer?" I can feel Magda's gaze on me, and actually hear it the minute the gears lock into place in her brain. Yeah, she's on the same track as I am now.
"She's been hinting at it for" -- she glances down at a file on her desk -- "almost a month now, but didn't put in her official request until last night before she left. She wouldn't give any circumstances beyond wanting to spend more energy on becoming a mother."
I snort softly at Magda's rolled eyes. This is a joke, plain and simple. Angela's pissed about the whole intervention and the backlash of Jinny's rehab. But that's fine. If she wants to play her little games, she can. She was never really cut out to be on the streets anyway. We all knew that, including Angela. She's far better suited to a cushy desk job than the streets of San Francisco.
"So now what, Captain?" Magda asks.
"Well, we're short two Inspectors at the moment. I'm working on getting a new partner for you, CD. All I know so far is that we're getting someone from Vice. As for Jinny, I have every faith that she's going to come back to work with us. I'm certainly not saying it's going to be easy necessarily, but I think she'll come out of this a better person. For now though, you two will have to work together." We nod in unison, then stand to leave. "CD, can I see you for a minute?"
I hold back as Magda leaves, shooting me a curious look that I return with a shrug. Sitting back down, I'm not sure what to say or do, so I wait quietly as McCafferty watches me again. Finally, I just can't take it anymore. "Was there something else, Captain?"
"Are you sure you're all right?" she asks, that hint of motherly concern in her voice. When I nod, she continues. "I just expected you to be a little more upset by Angela's decision to leave the Division."
"To be honest, Captain, I hope she finds exactly what she wants. It's more than obvious that she wasn't happy with a lot of things going on around here."
"I'm guessing you're talking about Jinny's intervention?" she supplies and sighs at my nod of assent. "I've heard it all from her. I don't agree with her, and I think that was the final straw that made her choose to leave. Yes, it's her choice, and there's nothing we can do about it right now. We just need to find you a new partner and hope things work out when Jinny comes back."
"Yes, ma'am," I say, forcing down the shiver of happiness at the thought of Jinny coming back. There's a very real part of me that is upset that I'm getting the new partner, not Magda. I'd love to have Jinny as my partner. But I also don't want the issues associated with being partners on and off the clock. That's just begging for more trouble than it's probably worth. Hell, I don't even know for sure if Jinny feels like I do... or think I do.
++Mac++
I've been sitting here all day thinking about what Jinny told me last night. It's definitely a breakthrough in her recovery, that's for damned sure. And it explains so much about her behavior, as I've noted in her file. I have two weeks left with her in the program, though I am seriously considering extending her stay another week. It's not like that's an unprecedented situation. Part of me wishes she'd have come clean about these feelings for her fellow officer sooner. This is the kind of goldmine that every other psychologist I know would love to dig into. This is almost more important to the psyche of one Jinny Exstead than her mother's suicide.
But one thing continues to plague me. This whole situation with Teddy, the ex-boyfriend, is throwing a serious wrench into the works. According to Jinny last night, she'd pretty much done everything she could to sabotage that relationship, but she's afraid that Teddy will want to get back together with her now that, as she says, she's clean, sober, and a real person again. It's clear to me that Jinny sees this relationship as self-destructive, not even considering the fact that she has more than casual feelings for CD DeLorenzo.
I look up at the knock on my door to see Jinny standing there. She wears the air of someone who is bone-deep exhausted, but thrilled that her burden has been greatly lifted. I smile warmly at her and beckon her in, closing the folder in front of me.
"How are you feeling, Jinny?"
"I think I'm okay," comes her quiet reply as she self-consciously tucks hair behind her ear. "Are you-- Are you free to talk for a little while?"
"The rest of my day is completely free, actually. I'm just catching up on some more of my paperwork, but it can wait."
She smiles and closes the door, leaning against it for a moment. "I, um, I just wanted to say thank you for everything last night, Mac. I really appreciate it."
I quirk a brow, knowing there has to be more to her visit that that. Again, she flashes me that shy smile and makes her way to the window she's stood by so many times in the past two weeks. At least now I understand what has drawn her to that window repeatedly: that pair of swans. Except for one thing that still niggles in the back of my brain.
"So, Jinny, can I ask you something?" When she nods, I continue. "Why do those swans remind you of you and CD?"
I can see the faint blush coloring her cheeks. "You mean in all my babbling last night I didn't tell you that she's blonde? And tall? And gorgeous?" And the blush deepens at that last admission.
I can't help the chuckle at her delighted embarrassment. "No, you didn't mention any of that. Although I'm surprised it didn't come up last night when you were divulging all. I mean, honestly, Jinny. That bed?"
She laughs at that, nervously toying with her hair again. "I know. I don't even know if it exists or not, but damn I wish it did… And that she was in it every single night to make me hers." And then she covers her face, clearly mortified that she's even uttered that last thought. "I really need to put a lock on my mouth sometimes."
"No, you don't, Jinny. It's good to let these things out. And I think you should find a way to tell CD about it."
"Oh hell no!" she splutters, a horrified look on her face. "Are you insane? I don't even know if she thinks like that at all, let alone about me."
"If you didn't, you wouldn't have fallen quite so hard for her, would you?"
"Well… But why would she even want someone like me? I mean, look at me. I can't hold my liquor. I'm totally emotionally fucked up. I have commitment issues. Yeah, I'm the lesbian dream date. From hell, maybe. Cd's too, I don't know. Classy's not the right word, but it's the closest I can think of. She's totally out of my league."
"I don't think you're that out of her league, Jinny. Obviously you've seen or sensed something there with CD that has allowed you the opportunity to indulge in these fantasies of her."
"No, see that's the thing, Mac. They're just fantasies. They'll never happen. CD just isn't like that, okay? She's been married the past three-odd years."
"And you were dating Teddy, among others," I cut in smoothly. "What's your point, Jinny? You act as if you don't want to get together with CD. In fact, it's almost as if you'd rather not be with her, because you're afraid of actually having something good in your life. Am I close?"
"Fuck you," she mutters, turning to face the window again. "That's not it."
"Then what is it, Jinny? You are obviously in love with the woman. Why are you fighting this? Why fight the attraction that you know is there? Even if she doesn't return the feelings for you, why deny what you feel for her?"
"Because if she knows and doesn't feel the same way I do, she's gonna get all freaked out and back off, best case scenario. There are only the four of us, we have to be able to work together, no matter what. Yeah, Magda's my partner, but I still have to be able to work with CD. This could totally ruin that. Don't you get it, Mac? That's all I have."
"No, actually I don't get it, Jinny. Granted, I'm not a cop, so I don't exactly know how it works. But I know about people, that is my job. And I've come to know you, too, Jinny Exstead. You are more than just a cop. You are more than your mother's replacement in your father's life. You are more than a convenient, casual fuck to the nameless other drunks. And you are definitely more than the bottle of booze it takes to make you forget who and what you really are. You are a beautiful, caring, dedicated human being that deserves to love and to be loved. I mean, really, Jinny, are you worried she'll spaz out over the fact that you wear those cute little angel kitty panties?"
"I don’t wear--" She stares at me as I waggle my eyebrows at her. "You're sick, you know that, Mac?"
"Yep, and I think you'd look cute in those little angel kitty panties. I'm sure CD would just coo all over you if you modeled them for her."
"Shut up!" she snorts, swatting at me, then mutters, "Pain in my ass!"
"Flattery will get you nowhere with me, Exstead."
Original post @ Dreamwidth with
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Track Four: The Wrong Man
"No matter what I say
you're just filling a void in me.
But it's better to know the girl inside.
You're always running toward
the need that you recognize.
But it's better to leave the love behind
'cause you're the wrong man
at the wrong time in my life."
It's going to be a long night, now that I've gotten that phone call.
Mac follows me back to my room and sits patiently -- does she do it any other way? -- while I take a shower, hoping to lose some of the lethargy of my earlier crying binge. Doesn't matter that I know I'll be getting another one before the night's through. Clean the slate between bouts, right? Walking back into my room, I continue to towel off my hair, and stare at Mac for a long moment.
"Don't you ever go home, Mac?"
"Nope," comes the expected reply. "Not usually. I like to be close by when one of my patients is upset. Besides, if it's a slow night, I can get caught up on a lot of paperwork." That last is said with an impish grin.
I don't bother to stop my chuckle. "You need a hobby or something, you know that?" I ask, hanging up the towel and putting away my bath items.
"I've been told that once or twice. But I never listened. I like being able to help. That's why I got into this line of work in the first place. Well, one of the reasons."
Okay, that has me curious. Cocking my head to one side, I lean against the dresser and watch her for a moment. "One of the reasons?"
"Come sit down," she said brightly, patting the place next to her. "This isn't about me. I want to know about CD. And I'd like to think that you'll actually cooperate with me, since I did allow you that phone call from Magda."
I'm caught now, and she knows it, too. I take a deep breath, trying to gather my suddenly swirling thoughts into something cohesive and coherent. I've never really admitted these thoughts and feelings to anyone out loud. In fact, I've kind of been fighting them… for a while now. And now I'm just supposed to let it all out for Mac, some weird case of emotional diarrhea? Yeah, right. But the look on Mac's face pretty much says it all: she isn't going to budge until I spill my guts about what she wants to hear.
Tucking some hair behind my ear as I sit down, I take a deep breath and begin to tell her everything. The dreams. The fantasies. The feelings. Teddy. The other men. The other women. The drinking. Well, the part she doesn't already know about the drinking. All of it. I don't spare her anything. By the time I'm done, I'm shaking worse than I'd been before she came to get me for that phone call from Magda. Do I even need to mention the crying? Or how tightly I've curled myself into a ball at the head of my bed? This is almost as rough as when I'd found my mom.
"Shh, Jinny," she croons softly, pulling me into her arms. "You're going to be fine. This is what I've been waiting for, pushing you to open up about. Now we can really work to get you to the healing you need."
I honestly don't remember much after that. Her voice and my own revelations have utterly exhausted me and I fall into a much-needed healing sleep.
++CD++
The ringing of my cell phone wakes me up. Disoriented from the dreams I've been having, I stretch out my hand, searching for the shrill thing on the couch where I'd fallen asleep. "DeLorenzo," I grumble when I finally find the damned thing.
"CD? Were you sleeping?"
Glancing at the clock, I realize it's only barely eight o'clock. "Sorta. I fell asleep watching some weird snake show on the Discovery Channel. Fucked up dreams. What's up, Magda?"
"I, uh, I just wanted to tell you that I got to talk to Jinny a couple hours ago. I would've called you sooner, but I had to get Ben ready for his dad's."
Her voice sounds funny, but at the sound of Jinny's name, I'm wide awake and sitting up. "You did? How-- How's she doing?"
There's a long enough pause that, if I couldn't hear her tapping her fingernail on the table, I'd swear the connection was cut. And then she finally speaks. "She's doing okay. She, um, said she doesn't hate me." I can hear the relief in her voice at those words. I've known very well just how much that has been bothering Magda over the past couple of weeks. "And she… She wanted me to tell you…"
"Tell me what?" I hope like hell that I don't honestly sound as pathetic and needy as I think I do.
"She's been thinking about you," she finally says.
My heart stops at the implication of those five little words. What the hell do they mean? What the hell does it mean that I am so twitterpated by this revelation? God, does this mean what I think it means? It couldn't be… Could it? The first time this happened, my mother covered it up and forbid me to see another girl for fear that it would make her look bad. It had terrified me, but it never once stopped me from the one night stands, the easy sex with no commitments. The last time I'd given in to the attraction, I'd run scared into the arms of the first man that paid me any attention. And Fate made sure that I paid for it, because he cheated on me. Repeatedly. And yet the divorce, currently still pending, is all my fault, because I couldn't keep him happy enough to stay home.
"CD? You still there?"
Her voice drags me back from my thoughts. "Ah, yeah, Magda. Sorry, I thought I heard something outside." It's a lame ass excuse, but it's the best I can come up with on the fly. "So, um, Jinny was asking about me?"
"Yeah, that's what she said. So, CD…"
"Yeah?" I ask, dreading the question I know she's going to ask. And I have no fucking clue how to answer her if she does.
"Is there… Is there something I should know about here?"
"I don't know," I murmur, running my hand through my hair.
"Just be careful, okay? She's really fragile right now." Ah, ever the watchful Magda, taking care of her partner. She's really damned good at that.
"I know. Listen, I… I'll see you tomorrow at work, okay? I'm gonna go make some dinner and head to bed."
+++++
"You look like shit, CD," I hear the Captain say as I walk in, growling at the empty coffee pot. "Anything going on?"
Oh yeah, Captain. I'm having dreams about someone. Erotic, tender dreams that are driving me completely fucking insane. Oh, and I think I'm falling for your alcoholic Inspector Exstead. And did I mention I can't talk to her about this until she gets out of rehab?
"Just didn't sleep well last night, I guess," I offer, hoping she'll accept it. I can feel her appraising stare on my back as I make my way to my desk. And then I notice that Angela's not at hers. In fact, it's pretty much stripped clean. What the hell?
"Actually, before you get comfortable, I'd like to see you in my office. You, too, Magda."
Dutifully, we both get up and follow her. As we sit down, she hands a sheet of paper to me.
"What's this?" I ask as I take and begin to scan the contents of the document.
"Angela's transferring out of the Division."
The hush in the room is palatable. A quick glance at Magda shows she's just as stunned as I am. Weren't we just talking about… Oh.
"Ah, Captain? When did Angela request the transfer?" I can feel Magda's gaze on me, and actually hear it the minute the gears lock into place in her brain. Yeah, she's on the same track as I am now.
"She's been hinting at it for" -- she glances down at a file on her desk -- "almost a month now, but didn't put in her official request until last night before she left. She wouldn't give any circumstances beyond wanting to spend more energy on becoming a mother."
I snort softly at Magda's rolled eyes. This is a joke, plain and simple. Angela's pissed about the whole intervention and the backlash of Jinny's rehab. But that's fine. If she wants to play her little games, she can. She was never really cut out to be on the streets anyway. We all knew that, including Angela. She's far better suited to a cushy desk job than the streets of San Francisco.
"So now what, Captain?" Magda asks.
"Well, we're short two Inspectors at the moment. I'm working on getting a new partner for you, CD. All I know so far is that we're getting someone from Vice. As for Jinny, I have every faith that she's going to come back to work with us. I'm certainly not saying it's going to be easy necessarily, but I think she'll come out of this a better person. For now though, you two will have to work together." We nod in unison, then stand to leave. "CD, can I see you for a minute?"
I hold back as Magda leaves, shooting me a curious look that I return with a shrug. Sitting back down, I'm not sure what to say or do, so I wait quietly as McCafferty watches me again. Finally, I just can't take it anymore. "Was there something else, Captain?"
"Are you sure you're all right?" she asks, that hint of motherly concern in her voice. When I nod, she continues. "I just expected you to be a little more upset by Angela's decision to leave the Division."
"To be honest, Captain, I hope she finds exactly what she wants. It's more than obvious that she wasn't happy with a lot of things going on around here."
"I'm guessing you're talking about Jinny's intervention?" she supplies and sighs at my nod of assent. "I've heard it all from her. I don't agree with her, and I think that was the final straw that made her choose to leave. Yes, it's her choice, and there's nothing we can do about it right now. We just need to find you a new partner and hope things work out when Jinny comes back."
"Yes, ma'am," I say, forcing down the shiver of happiness at the thought of Jinny coming back. There's a very real part of me that is upset that I'm getting the new partner, not Magda. I'd love to have Jinny as my partner. But I also don't want the issues associated with being partners on and off the clock. That's just begging for more trouble than it's probably worth. Hell, I don't even know for sure if Jinny feels like I do... or think I do.
++Mac++
I've been sitting here all day thinking about what Jinny told me last night. It's definitely a breakthrough in her recovery, that's for damned sure. And it explains so much about her behavior, as I've noted in her file. I have two weeks left with her in the program, though I am seriously considering extending her stay another week. It's not like that's an unprecedented situation. Part of me wishes she'd have come clean about these feelings for her fellow officer sooner. This is the kind of goldmine that every other psychologist I know would love to dig into. This is almost more important to the psyche of one Jinny Exstead than her mother's suicide.
But one thing continues to plague me. This whole situation with Teddy, the ex-boyfriend, is throwing a serious wrench into the works. According to Jinny last night, she'd pretty much done everything she could to sabotage that relationship, but she's afraid that Teddy will want to get back together with her now that, as she says, she's clean, sober, and a real person again. It's clear to me that Jinny sees this relationship as self-destructive, not even considering the fact that she has more than casual feelings for CD DeLorenzo.
I look up at the knock on my door to see Jinny standing there. She wears the air of someone who is bone-deep exhausted, but thrilled that her burden has been greatly lifted. I smile warmly at her and beckon her in, closing the folder in front of me.
"How are you feeling, Jinny?"
"I think I'm okay," comes her quiet reply as she self-consciously tucks hair behind her ear. "Are you-- Are you free to talk for a little while?"
"The rest of my day is completely free, actually. I'm just catching up on some more of my paperwork, but it can wait."
She smiles and closes the door, leaning against it for a moment. "I, um, I just wanted to say thank you for everything last night, Mac. I really appreciate it."
I quirk a brow, knowing there has to be more to her visit that that. Again, she flashes me that shy smile and makes her way to the window she's stood by so many times in the past two weeks. At least now I understand what has drawn her to that window repeatedly: that pair of swans. Except for one thing that still niggles in the back of my brain.
"So, Jinny, can I ask you something?" When she nods, I continue. "Why do those swans remind you of you and CD?"
I can see the faint blush coloring her cheeks. "You mean in all my babbling last night I didn't tell you that she's blonde? And tall? And gorgeous?" And the blush deepens at that last admission.
I can't help the chuckle at her delighted embarrassment. "No, you didn't mention any of that. Although I'm surprised it didn't come up last night when you were divulging all. I mean, honestly, Jinny. That bed?"
She laughs at that, nervously toying with her hair again. "I know. I don't even know if it exists or not, but damn I wish it did… And that she was in it every single night to make me hers." And then she covers her face, clearly mortified that she's even uttered that last thought. "I really need to put a lock on my mouth sometimes."
"No, you don't, Jinny. It's good to let these things out. And I think you should find a way to tell CD about it."
"Oh hell no!" she splutters, a horrified look on her face. "Are you insane? I don't even know if she thinks like that at all, let alone about me."
"If you didn't, you wouldn't have fallen quite so hard for her, would you?"
"Well… But why would she even want someone like me? I mean, look at me. I can't hold my liquor. I'm totally emotionally fucked up. I have commitment issues. Yeah, I'm the lesbian dream date. From hell, maybe. Cd's too, I don't know. Classy's not the right word, but it's the closest I can think of. She's totally out of my league."
"I don't think you're that out of her league, Jinny. Obviously you've seen or sensed something there with CD that has allowed you the opportunity to indulge in these fantasies of her."
"No, see that's the thing, Mac. They're just fantasies. They'll never happen. CD just isn't like that, okay? She's been married the past three-odd years."
"And you were dating Teddy, among others," I cut in smoothly. "What's your point, Jinny? You act as if you don't want to get together with CD. In fact, it's almost as if you'd rather not be with her, because you're afraid of actually having something good in your life. Am I close?"
"Fuck you," she mutters, turning to face the window again. "That's not it."
"Then what is it, Jinny? You are obviously in love with the woman. Why are you fighting this? Why fight the attraction that you know is there? Even if she doesn't return the feelings for you, why deny what you feel for her?"
"Because if she knows and doesn't feel the same way I do, she's gonna get all freaked out and back off, best case scenario. There are only the four of us, we have to be able to work together, no matter what. Yeah, Magda's my partner, but I still have to be able to work with CD. This could totally ruin that. Don't you get it, Mac? That's all I have."
"No, actually I don't get it, Jinny. Granted, I'm not a cop, so I don't exactly know how it works. But I know about people, that is my job. And I've come to know you, too, Jinny Exstead. You are more than just a cop. You are more than your mother's replacement in your father's life. You are more than a convenient, casual fuck to the nameless other drunks. And you are definitely more than the bottle of booze it takes to make you forget who and what you really are. You are a beautiful, caring, dedicated human being that deserves to love and to be loved. I mean, really, Jinny, are you worried she'll spaz out over the fact that you wear those cute little angel kitty panties?"
"I don’t wear--" She stares at me as I waggle my eyebrows at her. "You're sick, you know that, Mac?"
"Yep, and I think you'd look cute in those little angel kitty panties. I'm sure CD would just coo all over you if you modeled them for her."
"Shut up!" she snorts, swatting at me, then mutters, "Pain in my ass!"
"Flattery will get you nowhere with me, Exstead."
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