CSI:M FIC :: "Cyclical Patterns" [Calleigh/Natalia, PG13]
Title: Cyclical Patterns
Author: A. Magiluna Stormwriter
Email: stormwriter@shatterstorm.net
Rating: PG13 [language]
Pairings: Calleigh/Natalia pre-ship, plus all of Calleigh's past known relationships are mentioned
Date: 10 September 2009 & 7 February 2010
Word Count: 2293
Written for: dogged_by_muses' Fragments of Sappho 2009
Written for: halfamoon 2010
Summary: Calleigh speaks with a psychologist in the aftermath of Eric's shooting.
Spoilers: Direct spoilers for 7x25 "Seeing Red" & 8x1 "Out of Time", but consider the whole series prior to that up for grabs…
Website: ShatterStorm Productions - Frisked & Conquered
Link to: http://f-n-c.shatterstorm.net/
Archive: ShatterStorm Productions only…all others ask for permission & we'll see…
Disclaimer: "CSI: Miami," the characters, and situations depicted are the property of Jerry Bruckheimer Television, Alliance Atlantis, Touchstone Television, The American Travelers, and CBS Productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes. Previously unrecognized characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. This site is in no way affiliated with "CSI: Miami," CBS, or any representatives of the actors.
Sapphic Fragment:
wealth without virtue is no harmless neighbor
but a mixture of both attains the height of happiness
Author’s Notes: There was going to be more to this story at one point… And then it petered out. And now, it's got a basic set up for a possible series. I've no ideas yet. But it's probably the first thing I've written for this couple since the whole seriously bad Calleigh/Eric thing started up. I'm glad these muses haven't completely ditched out…
Author's Notes, Part 2: All dialogue solely in italics is the pyschologist Calleigh's speaking with.
Dedication: My muses, for never saying never…
Beta: Currently unbeta'd, which means I reserve the right to redo this baby if I feel like it…
"Cyclical Patterns"
By A. Magiluna Stormwriter
Transcript of session with Calleigh Duquesne with Dr. Sarah Jackson
So why don't you tell me why you're here today, Calleigh?
Horatio, my boss, suggested that I speak with someone about what happened with my b-- with Eric and the shooting. It was a pretty traumatic situation and I can't get it out of my head.
Why don't you tell me what happened?
The moment replays in slow motion on an endless loop.
The car is barreling toward me, tinted windows making it impossible to verify who's inside. There's really only one person that could be in that car that would mean anything to me, and I'm praying to God that I'm wrong. Taking a deep breath, my body falls into the stance automatically and my hands raise to support the gun leveled at that car. My voice doesn't even sound like my own as the warning is called out for the driver to stop. Squeezing the trigger, the smell of gun powder filling my nostrils, watching the bullet pierce the windshield. That should have stopped it; I aimed to kill and I rarely miss.
The sight of Eric's angry, bloodied face squeezed the very breath from my lungs. There was such rage, such betrayal in his eyes as he barreled past me. It was like me blamed me for shooting at him, for doing my job.
Wait a minute! He has no right to be angry with me, betrayed by me. He's the one who chose his Russian mob daddy over his job and his friends… over me. He chose to break the law. He chose to betray me and what was supposed to be between us.
Did he ever really love me? Obviously not, if he was able to betray me so damned easily. And yet, he had the unmitigated gall to look at me as if I was betraying him and our relationship.
My god, I feel like I'm dating Jake all over again! The lies, the deceit, the shady dealings intertwined with undercover work. At least Jake was legitimately undercover when he went bad. Small consolation there, I suppose.
This should be a sign. No, this is a blatant sign that I shouldn't date my damned coworkers, no matter what. It's like I didn't know what I was getting into…
What do you mean by that? Do you have a history of dating your coworkers?
Let's see, first there was Jo-- No, Calleigh, be honest. It was Jake first, back at the academy. I was hell bent on my studies when I was at Tulane, there was no way I was going to lose the full scholarship I'd worked so hard to get, not over some boy. Anne was the only person I really let in, but that ended horribly when she couldn't understand why my degree was so damned important to me. But when I got to the academy, I found myself pitted against one Jake Berkeley for the top honors in our class.
Jake was everything I hate about men: arrogant, chauvinistic, and far too sure of his sexual attractiveness. And yet, somehow the thrill of the competition made me think that he would be someone I could learn to like, fix his rough edges, turn him into something more attractive.
He used that relationship as a way to guarantee he'd remain number one in our class. He proved his Neanderthal theory correct when he beat me out for top honors. I'd never been as angry as I was when he was lording that over me.
I should have known better, shouldn't I? I steered clear of men for a long time after Jake, especially coworkers. I found new girlfriends, spent time with them, and I didn't miss being with a man. Until John Hagen. Another man I thought I could fix.
Looking back, I can admit there was some genuine affection for John. I can't say anymore whether it was love, but affection is a guarantee. It was the depression that caused so many issues. Failing that psych evaluation really wreaked a lot of havoc on him: the mood swings, the possessiveness, the abuse… The abuse was where I drew the line. John didn't like that, and things got pretty dicey for a while there.
But I thought he was getting better for a while there, thought we could salvage things and become really good friends. Until he drew his service revolver on me at a scene. At let's not even touch that whole situation where he blew his brains out in my gun vault.
That still gives me nightmares, to be completely honest.
I walked away from my beloved gun vault, from my guns, because of what John Hagen's emotional problems made him do. It was only the lazy incompetence of my replacement that made me return. Okay, not the only thing, but one of the big ones. I also just genuinely missed that particularly work.
But you found the ability to return to your work, despite that tragedy.
I didn't have a choice, really. Guns are my job and someone needed to be doing it correctly. Once again, I threw myself into my work. It was like coming home to curl up with a favorite comforter after a long hard day. And then it seemed like no time had passed when Peter Elliott came waltzing back into my life. That was a clusterfuck from the word go. But he seemed so damned normal, and I really needed that in my life. I wasn't ready to date, John's death was still too raw. But there was something… safe about Peter. Stable. Secure. Honest. For once, I'd found a man that I didn't need to fix.
But once again, I was proven wrong. The man flirted with me, asked me out for drinks, which I'd bumped up to dinner. It was fun. Until those damned little punks felt the need to turn their video games into reality and come in to shoot up my lab. I wasn't even sure what happened at first. It all went down so damned fast, and there was Peter lying next to me, bleeding. I will admit that my first thought was for Natalia, considering those bastards were after the evidence she had. I didn't think about Peter until I saw the blood.
And then, while at the hospital with Peter, I had to find out that he was engaged to a state's attorney that we later found out had it in for our lab. How on Earth did he think it was acceptable to be so blatantly flirting with me when he was engaged to marry another woman? And how stupid was I to just blithely go along with it like I did? It was too good to be true, and I should have known better.
At least Nat came out of it physically unscathed, and we got the little punks in the end. Yeah, the lab needed rebuilding -- well, replacing all that destroyed glass. And Nat and the Feds had only just redesigned the lab a couple months prior to that incident. Nat was devastated by both the destruction and the whole mess of being held at gunpoint like that. It was never something she'd dealt with before.
And what about your relationship with Eric?
Well, before I got together with Eric, Jake came back into my life. He'd been undercover for quite some time, and there was suspicion that he'd gone bad and killed his partner. He seemed different, changed, and I was willing to give him another shot. I was already feeling confused about all of the changes happening in the lab, mostly surrounding Natalia.
Jake was safe, I guess. I knew what he was like. Well, what he was like back at the academy. And there was a part of me that wanted to know for sure if he really was crooked or not. There was the whole fiasco when he tried to get Natalia for her ex-husband's death. But it was his drinking that ended up nearly costing me my job, and I couldn't do it anymore. My daddy's a drunk, a functioning drunk, but a drunk nonetheless. I didn't need a partner like that, too. He finally took another undercover assignment and I told him I wouldn't wait for him.
And that's when you got together with Eric?
Kind of. He'd been dating Natalia for a while, then he and Ryan had some bullshit go down about dating her and money exchanging hands. It was really rough on her. And Eric's always had a bit of a crush on me, but I always thought he was like my little brother. Yes, I flirted with him, but I'm from the South. I flirt with everyone.
I guess there was something shifting around the time I started seeing Jake again. That was in the aftermath of so many things that happened: Natalia was outed as the FBI mole; Horatio married Eric's sister, who was murdered later that same day by the Mala Noches; Eric had been shot and nearly lost so much. I was with Jake, but I was feeling so protective of my team, my family. Nat really came into her own after that whole mole fiasco, but Eric had two major blows in such a short time.
I guess I felt like I needed to protect him, fix him. That seems to be my track record with men. Of course, that doesn’t really explain the whole thing with Natalia, but it explains why I took Jake back and why I got together with Eric. And I really did try with Eric, even when it didn't feel right. I didn't want to hurt him any more than he'd already been hurt…
And then he pulled that shit with his father. I don't honestly know what to do anymore. I don't even know if he's going to pull through that surgery in one piece. Two bullets in less than three years can cause a lot of issues, even if you're young and healthy.
You've mentioned Natalia quite a bit today, particularly in reference to your relationships with Jake and Eric. Is there perhaps something more to your friendship with her?
I'm sorry, I don't think I understood the question. Natalia is my friend. I'd do anything for her, just like I'd do anything for the rest of my team. We're a family.
And yet, when Peter Elliott had been shot, your first thoughts were of Natalia rather than the man lying shot and bleeding next to you.
She'd been held at gunpoint by thugs who were trying to take her evidence. They'd blocked her only means of escape. She could have been killed and there was no way I could save her, no way any of us could have saved her. Horatio got in there somehow after the fact, but I just lay there on the ground and did nothing. No, I tended to Peter as best I could.
Again, your thoughts went to Natalia, without knowing her fate, before Peter, who was bleeding next to you. Have you considered that your relationship with her is perhaps more than just friendship? Didn't you state earlier that after you were dating Jake the first time, you had girlfriends?
[Note: Upon hearing this question, Ms. Duquesne sat in silence for several moments before answering. During this time, a series of emotions played across her face, as if she was replaying every moment she'd ever spent with the other woman.]
I guess… I guess I never thought about it before. When Nat first came to the team, I wanted to befriend her. She was new, she was a woman, and she was beautiful. Wait, did I just say she was beautiful? I did, didn't I? I suppose I never really thought about dating Nat, at least not consciously. I haven't been with a woman in over ten years. It's hard enough being a woman cop, but having a "controversial" sexual orientation thrown in there can be a career killer. Not that my team would necessarily cause issues, but others might.
Have you told Natalia that you're attracted to her? Has she shown any signs that she might be attracted to you?
I don't know… I'm suddenly having to relive several years' worth of memories to see if I missed something, from either of us. I know how used I felt when we found out she was the mole, but by the same token, I was the first person to forgive her for it. I… I need to go now.
There's still time left in our session.
I understand that, but this is something I need to process on my own. I am very grateful for your time with me, but this isn't something I'm ready to discuss with a virtual stranger yet. I don't even know if I could talk to anyone I trust about this right now.
That's completely understandable. And if you should need an impartial ear, you're more than willing to make another appointment with me. But before you go, I'd like to ask you one last question. Are you actually going to talk to Natalia about this, or are you going to bury it like you have in the past and stick to the safety of dating men that you need to fix?
I honestly don't know. Hell, I don't even know if Nat's interested in women at all. All I know is that if I do choose to pursue this relationship, I want to do it the right way. And that means getting to know her better as a friend. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go make a phone call.
Author: A. Magiluna Stormwriter
Email: stormwriter@shatterstorm.net
Rating: PG13 [language]
Pairings: Calleigh/Natalia pre-ship, plus all of Calleigh's past known relationships are mentioned
Date: 10 September 2009 & 7 February 2010
Word Count: 2293
Written for: dogged_by_muses' Fragments of Sappho 2009
Written for: halfamoon 2010
Summary: Calleigh speaks with a psychologist in the aftermath of Eric's shooting.
Spoilers: Direct spoilers for 7x25 "Seeing Red" & 8x1 "Out of Time", but consider the whole series prior to that up for grabs…
Website: ShatterStorm Productions - Frisked & Conquered
Link to: http://f-n-c.shatterstorm.net/
Archive: ShatterStorm Productions only…all others ask for permission & we'll see…
Disclaimer: "CSI: Miami," the characters, and situations depicted are the property of Jerry Bruckheimer Television, Alliance Atlantis, Touchstone Television, The American Travelers, and CBS Productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes. Previously unrecognized characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. This site is in no way affiliated with "CSI: Miami," CBS, or any representatives of the actors.
Sapphic Fragment:
wealth without virtue is no harmless neighbor
but a mixture of both attains the height of happiness
Author’s Notes: There was going to be more to this story at one point… And then it petered out. And now, it's got a basic set up for a possible series. I've no ideas yet. But it's probably the first thing I've written for this couple since the whole seriously bad Calleigh/Eric thing started up. I'm glad these muses haven't completely ditched out…
Author's Notes, Part 2: All dialogue solely in italics is the pyschologist Calleigh's speaking with.
Dedication: My muses, for never saying never…
Beta: Currently unbeta'd, which means I reserve the right to redo this baby if I feel like it…
"Cyclical Patterns"
By A. Magiluna Stormwriter
Transcript of session with Calleigh Duquesne with Dr. Sarah Jackson
So why don't you tell me why you're here today, Calleigh?
Horatio, my boss, suggested that I speak with someone about what happened with my b-- with Eric and the shooting. It was a pretty traumatic situation and I can't get it out of my head.
Why don't you tell me what happened?
The moment replays in slow motion on an endless loop.
The car is barreling toward me, tinted windows making it impossible to verify who's inside. There's really only one person that could be in that car that would mean anything to me, and I'm praying to God that I'm wrong. Taking a deep breath, my body falls into the stance automatically and my hands raise to support the gun leveled at that car. My voice doesn't even sound like my own as the warning is called out for the driver to stop. Squeezing the trigger, the smell of gun powder filling my nostrils, watching the bullet pierce the windshield. That should have stopped it; I aimed to kill and I rarely miss.
The sight of Eric's angry, bloodied face squeezed the very breath from my lungs. There was such rage, such betrayal in his eyes as he barreled past me. It was like me blamed me for shooting at him, for doing my job.
Wait a minute! He has no right to be angry with me, betrayed by me. He's the one who chose his Russian mob daddy over his job and his friends… over me. He chose to break the law. He chose to betray me and what was supposed to be between us.
Did he ever really love me? Obviously not, if he was able to betray me so damned easily. And yet, he had the unmitigated gall to look at me as if I was betraying him and our relationship.
My god, I feel like I'm dating Jake all over again! The lies, the deceit, the shady dealings intertwined with undercover work. At least Jake was legitimately undercover when he went bad. Small consolation there, I suppose.
This should be a sign. No, this is a blatant sign that I shouldn't date my damned coworkers, no matter what. It's like I didn't know what I was getting into…
What do you mean by that? Do you have a history of dating your coworkers?
Let's see, first there was Jo-- No, Calleigh, be honest. It was Jake first, back at the academy. I was hell bent on my studies when I was at Tulane, there was no way I was going to lose the full scholarship I'd worked so hard to get, not over some boy. Anne was the only person I really let in, but that ended horribly when she couldn't understand why my degree was so damned important to me. But when I got to the academy, I found myself pitted against one Jake Berkeley for the top honors in our class.
Jake was everything I hate about men: arrogant, chauvinistic, and far too sure of his sexual attractiveness. And yet, somehow the thrill of the competition made me think that he would be someone I could learn to like, fix his rough edges, turn him into something more attractive.
He used that relationship as a way to guarantee he'd remain number one in our class. He proved his Neanderthal theory correct when he beat me out for top honors. I'd never been as angry as I was when he was lording that over me.
I should have known better, shouldn't I? I steered clear of men for a long time after Jake, especially coworkers. I found new girlfriends, spent time with them, and I didn't miss being with a man. Until John Hagen. Another man I thought I could fix.
Looking back, I can admit there was some genuine affection for John. I can't say anymore whether it was love, but affection is a guarantee. It was the depression that caused so many issues. Failing that psych evaluation really wreaked a lot of havoc on him: the mood swings, the possessiveness, the abuse… The abuse was where I drew the line. John didn't like that, and things got pretty dicey for a while there.
But I thought he was getting better for a while there, thought we could salvage things and become really good friends. Until he drew his service revolver on me at a scene. At let's not even touch that whole situation where he blew his brains out in my gun vault.
That still gives me nightmares, to be completely honest.
I walked away from my beloved gun vault, from my guns, because of what John Hagen's emotional problems made him do. It was only the lazy incompetence of my replacement that made me return. Okay, not the only thing, but one of the big ones. I also just genuinely missed that particularly work.
But you found the ability to return to your work, despite that tragedy.
I didn't have a choice, really. Guns are my job and someone needed to be doing it correctly. Once again, I threw myself into my work. It was like coming home to curl up with a favorite comforter after a long hard day. And then it seemed like no time had passed when Peter Elliott came waltzing back into my life. That was a clusterfuck from the word go. But he seemed so damned normal, and I really needed that in my life. I wasn't ready to date, John's death was still too raw. But there was something… safe about Peter. Stable. Secure. Honest. For once, I'd found a man that I didn't need to fix.
But once again, I was proven wrong. The man flirted with me, asked me out for drinks, which I'd bumped up to dinner. It was fun. Until those damned little punks felt the need to turn their video games into reality and come in to shoot up my lab. I wasn't even sure what happened at first. It all went down so damned fast, and there was Peter lying next to me, bleeding. I will admit that my first thought was for Natalia, considering those bastards were after the evidence she had. I didn't think about Peter until I saw the blood.
And then, while at the hospital with Peter, I had to find out that he was engaged to a state's attorney that we later found out had it in for our lab. How on Earth did he think it was acceptable to be so blatantly flirting with me when he was engaged to marry another woman? And how stupid was I to just blithely go along with it like I did? It was too good to be true, and I should have known better.
At least Nat came out of it physically unscathed, and we got the little punks in the end. Yeah, the lab needed rebuilding -- well, replacing all that destroyed glass. And Nat and the Feds had only just redesigned the lab a couple months prior to that incident. Nat was devastated by both the destruction and the whole mess of being held at gunpoint like that. It was never something she'd dealt with before.
And what about your relationship with Eric?
Well, before I got together with Eric, Jake came back into my life. He'd been undercover for quite some time, and there was suspicion that he'd gone bad and killed his partner. He seemed different, changed, and I was willing to give him another shot. I was already feeling confused about all of the changes happening in the lab, mostly surrounding Natalia.
Jake was safe, I guess. I knew what he was like. Well, what he was like back at the academy. And there was a part of me that wanted to know for sure if he really was crooked or not. There was the whole fiasco when he tried to get Natalia for her ex-husband's death. But it was his drinking that ended up nearly costing me my job, and I couldn't do it anymore. My daddy's a drunk, a functioning drunk, but a drunk nonetheless. I didn't need a partner like that, too. He finally took another undercover assignment and I told him I wouldn't wait for him.
And that's when you got together with Eric?
Kind of. He'd been dating Natalia for a while, then he and Ryan had some bullshit go down about dating her and money exchanging hands. It was really rough on her. And Eric's always had a bit of a crush on me, but I always thought he was like my little brother. Yes, I flirted with him, but I'm from the South. I flirt with everyone.
I guess there was something shifting around the time I started seeing Jake again. That was in the aftermath of so many things that happened: Natalia was outed as the FBI mole; Horatio married Eric's sister, who was murdered later that same day by the Mala Noches; Eric had been shot and nearly lost so much. I was with Jake, but I was feeling so protective of my team, my family. Nat really came into her own after that whole mole fiasco, but Eric had two major blows in such a short time.
I guess I felt like I needed to protect him, fix him. That seems to be my track record with men. Of course, that doesn’t really explain the whole thing with Natalia, but it explains why I took Jake back and why I got together with Eric. And I really did try with Eric, even when it didn't feel right. I didn't want to hurt him any more than he'd already been hurt…
And then he pulled that shit with his father. I don't honestly know what to do anymore. I don't even know if he's going to pull through that surgery in one piece. Two bullets in less than three years can cause a lot of issues, even if you're young and healthy.
You've mentioned Natalia quite a bit today, particularly in reference to your relationships with Jake and Eric. Is there perhaps something more to your friendship with her?
I'm sorry, I don't think I understood the question. Natalia is my friend. I'd do anything for her, just like I'd do anything for the rest of my team. We're a family.
And yet, when Peter Elliott had been shot, your first thoughts were of Natalia rather than the man lying shot and bleeding next to you.
She'd been held at gunpoint by thugs who were trying to take her evidence. They'd blocked her only means of escape. She could have been killed and there was no way I could save her, no way any of us could have saved her. Horatio got in there somehow after the fact, but I just lay there on the ground and did nothing. No, I tended to Peter as best I could.
Again, your thoughts went to Natalia, without knowing her fate, before Peter, who was bleeding next to you. Have you considered that your relationship with her is perhaps more than just friendship? Didn't you state earlier that after you were dating Jake the first time, you had girlfriends?
[Note: Upon hearing this question, Ms. Duquesne sat in silence for several moments before answering. During this time, a series of emotions played across her face, as if she was replaying every moment she'd ever spent with the other woman.]
I guess… I guess I never thought about it before. When Nat first came to the team, I wanted to befriend her. She was new, she was a woman, and she was beautiful. Wait, did I just say she was beautiful? I did, didn't I? I suppose I never really thought about dating Nat, at least not consciously. I haven't been with a woman in over ten years. It's hard enough being a woman cop, but having a "controversial" sexual orientation thrown in there can be a career killer. Not that my team would necessarily cause issues, but others might.
Have you told Natalia that you're attracted to her? Has she shown any signs that she might be attracted to you?
I don't know… I'm suddenly having to relive several years' worth of memories to see if I missed something, from either of us. I know how used I felt when we found out she was the mole, but by the same token, I was the first person to forgive her for it. I… I need to go now.
There's still time left in our session.
I understand that, but this is something I need to process on my own. I am very grateful for your time with me, but this isn't something I'm ready to discuss with a virtual stranger yet. I don't even know if I could talk to anyone I trust about this right now.
That's completely understandable. And if you should need an impartial ear, you're more than willing to make another appointment with me. But before you go, I'd like to ask you one last question. Are you actually going to talk to Natalia about this, or are you going to bury it like you have in the past and stick to the safety of dating men that you need to fix?
I honestly don't know. Hell, I don't even know if Nat's interested in women at all. All I know is that if I do choose to pursue this relationship, I want to do it the right way. And that means getting to know her better as a friend. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go make a phone call.