YAY!! you read it!!! thanks!!! i'm happy with the end too it take a lot to figure out it do you like the part when Jim prime and Spock see each other again?? how it was characterization???
do you really like it???
i really want to know what i can improve because this was my first big thing
oops i think i fix all the changes in tense!!! i will re look at it (spanish is so different! you write more in first person and in paste tense ans present tense at the same time, but in english you must pick one, so i forgot that a lot.
about the povs, yes i have problems with that too, but i can't have only one person pov because no one have the whole pic. even they were in coma sometimes. or not there in the room at all. so i decide to do multiples pov, i tried to make them the bigger i could, but there was part wher i couldn't like in sick bay, maybe i must put a trace like i did with the last povs??? what do you think? because if not i need to choose a omnipresent narrator and i don't like too much, I thought about it, but a omnipresent pov don't get any feelings r emotion at all so i take a risk
thanks for your review!!
and i'm happy the emotions got through my goal as a writer is make the read feel as the character feel at least a glimpse of it.
This is a nice story. The plot was very interesting and I'm glad I read it. I've not come across anything like it, though there might be some. You write with a lot of heart and respect for the characters.
For me, the story had a rushed feel in the end and I think, as a reader, it robbed the story of all of the full potential it rightfully had. There were some minor editing things too. I think you you know how to tell a tale but that maybe just slowing your writing process down a tad will turn an A story into an A+ one! Keep writing those wonderful stories!
yes i need to rewrite this, i had to post it in a date but i didn't found yet a beta who want to help me to improve this one
i know that's why is rushed at the end, because i was writing against the clock. and i'm a spanish speaker so i have a lot to learn about the grammar thing in spanish there is a lot who is the opposite rules, even in something like punctuation.
but i promise you that when i foind someone to help with this one i will improve it because i thought too it could be better
You have a SOLID command of English! You are both smart and courageous to write fic in a second language. Trust me, most of your fellow posters cannot do that.
I could at least clean up the minor typos for you if you'd like and you are not in a big hurry for them.. I can put the suggested edits in red so you can see them.
Comments 12
I'll comment again after I finish reading. :D
*back to my boring work*
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I really love Prime!Spock said "We feel complete at last." Nothing can be more perfect than two souls joined forever (and through time and space!) :3
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You've got italics all over page 2.
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i'm happy you like it!!
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(The comment has been removed)
do you like the part when Jim prime and Spock see each other again??
how it was characterization???
do you really like it???
i really want to know what i can improve because this was my first big thing
Reply
(The comment has been removed)
(spanish is so different! you write more in first person and in paste tense ans present tense at the same time, but in english you must pick one, so i forgot that a lot.
about the povs, yes i have problems with that too, but i can't have only one person pov because no one have the whole pic. even they were in coma sometimes. or not there in the room at all. so i decide to do multiples pov, i tried to make them the bigger i could, but there was part wher i couldn't like in sick bay, maybe i must put a trace like i did with the last povs???
what do you think?
because if not i need to choose a omnipresent narrator and i don't like too much, I thought about it, but a omnipresent pov don't get any feelings r emotion at all
so i take a risk
thanks for your review!!
and i'm happy the emotions got through my goal as a writer is make the read feel as the character feel at least a glimpse of it.
Reply
Kirk Prime using sex to get a point over to nuSpock was totally classic. You are clearly a student of TOS. :D
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about this chapter i was thinking a lot and i want to do a plot twist but i i have only a week to finish before death line
maybe i will try what was i thought in an alter ending!!
thanks for reading
and i like my icon too
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For me, the story had a rushed feel in the end and I think, as a reader, it robbed the story of all of the full potential it rightfully had. There were some minor editing things too. I think you you know how to tell a tale but that maybe just slowing your writing process down a tad will turn an A story into an A+ one!
Keep writing those wonderful stories!
Reply
yes i need to rewrite this, i had to post it in a date but i didn't found yet a beta who want to help me to improve this one
i know that's why is rushed at the end, because i was writing against the clock.
and i'm a spanish speaker so i have a lot to learn about the grammar thing
in spanish there is a lot who is the opposite rules, even in something like punctuation.
but i promise you that when i foind someone to help with this one i will improve it because i thought too it could be better
thanks for reading it anyway :)
Reply
I could at least clean up the minor typos for you if you'd like and you are not in a big hurry for them.. I can put the suggested edits in red so you can see them.
My email addy is: oldblackvelvet@hotmail.com
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