I Stare Through The Mirror (Renji Fic)
Walking out of the shower, dripping over the floor as I step over it, taking a towel and wrapping it around my waist. The soft material does very little to stop the droplets flowing down my body.
It's not cold, I don't mind. What I do mind, is the reflection of myself in the mirror. How long can you avoid your own gaze, staring back at you?
This time I cannot simply walk away. I lean over the sink and let my hair drip over the plain white counter. My eyes are shut, and I wonder if I'm brave enough to open them and look up. Eventually I summon up the courage to look up and I meet my own eyes in the reflection.
My eyes are dark, narrow, they don't soften, they don't trust. They seem hollow to me, empty. People talk about a vibrancy in my gaze, why do I not see it? My eyes travel over the rest of my face. My features are hard, they are drawn and pained, as if looking at myself hurts worse than the slash of a blade. And to me it does.
Pain means nothing to me. It's something I've dealt with every day of my life, it doesn't get to me anymore.
I was nearly sliced in half by Ichigo's Zangetsu, there''s still a scar there, i can see it, the slightly ridged skin over my chest. There had been life in Ichigo's eyes when he'd cut me down. A life I desperately wished I could see in my own. People say we're alike, so why can't I see that life in me too?
Even in the cold gaze of my captain I see something. When hundreds of thousands of pieces of steel pierced me, I could see his eyes and they had life, they had power.
Looking at my body, there are thousands of scars, it is obvious that I have lived. Do I still live? Defeat after defeat has worn me down. Maybe I am at my limit, maybe I simply can't go further than this. What use am I to anyone, if the light in my eyes has gone out?
I look at the crisp black lines on my body, the marks of my accomplishments. What accomplishments? What have I done that has meaning to anyone? I fail at everything I do. Someone always has to save me.
My reflection glares at me, mocking me. Even in its angry expression there is nothing. Nothing to cling to in its absolute emptiness.
There's a knock on the door. And I break away from the empty blackness of my own eyes to look over at it.
"Oi, Renji! You didn't use all the hot water did you?"
It's Ichigo's voice. I look back at the mirror and I see it. The glint of life, just the tiniest spark, but it's there. I smile, and the spark grows brighter.
"Nah, just don't stay in there for a fuckin' hour, ya prissy bitch. I swear that you're a girl sometimes..."
"S-shut up!"
Opening the door, laughing at the expression on the kid's face, I can feel the life in me. I guess I just needed someone else to show it to me.
Thanks, Ichigo.
It's not cold, I don't mind. What I do mind, is the reflection of myself in the mirror. How long can you avoid your own gaze, staring back at you?
This time I cannot simply walk away. I lean over the sink and let my hair drip over the plain white counter. My eyes are shut, and I wonder if I'm brave enough to open them and look up. Eventually I summon up the courage to look up and I meet my own eyes in the reflection.
My eyes are dark, narrow, they don't soften, they don't trust. They seem hollow to me, empty. People talk about a vibrancy in my gaze, why do I not see it? My eyes travel over the rest of my face. My features are hard, they are drawn and pained, as if looking at myself hurts worse than the slash of a blade. And to me it does.
Pain means nothing to me. It's something I've dealt with every day of my life, it doesn't get to me anymore.
I was nearly sliced in half by Ichigo's Zangetsu, there''s still a scar there, i can see it, the slightly ridged skin over my chest. There had been life in Ichigo's eyes when he'd cut me down. A life I desperately wished I could see in my own. People say we're alike, so why can't I see that life in me too?
Even in the cold gaze of my captain I see something. When hundreds of thousands of pieces of steel pierced me, I could see his eyes and they had life, they had power.
Looking at my body, there are thousands of scars, it is obvious that I have lived. Do I still live? Defeat after defeat has worn me down. Maybe I am at my limit, maybe I simply can't go further than this. What use am I to anyone, if the light in my eyes has gone out?
I look at the crisp black lines on my body, the marks of my accomplishments. What accomplishments? What have I done that has meaning to anyone? I fail at everything I do. Someone always has to save me.
My reflection glares at me, mocking me. Even in its angry expression there is nothing. Nothing to cling to in its absolute emptiness.
There's a knock on the door. And I break away from the empty blackness of my own eyes to look over at it.
"Oi, Renji! You didn't use all the hot water did you?"
It's Ichigo's voice. I look back at the mirror and I see it. The glint of life, just the tiniest spark, but it's there. I smile, and the spark grows brighter.
"Nah, just don't stay in there for a fuckin' hour, ya prissy bitch. I swear that you're a girl sometimes..."
"S-shut up!"
Opening the door, laughing at the expression on the kid's face, I can feel the life in me. I guess I just needed someone else to show it to me.
Thanks, Ichigo.