The Search (or Lack Thereof) for a Lady to Serve
In middle and high school, I seem to remember I was for different periods of time infatuated with five or six different young ladies. (I can remember who, but it would be rather indiscreet to name them here; why do you think this is an anonymous journal in the first place?) So how did I handle these feelings? Well, I acted like a proper male human. I even tried to get two of them to go out with me. Well, as anyone who knows me can guess, all of those phases ended about the same way.
Sometime towards the end of high school or beginning of college, I decided to mend my ways. I actually appear to have managed to avoid getting hung up on an individual lady since then. I certainly haven't tried to force my feelings on anyone else. So that's all well and goodfor them at least.
Blitzcon once told me that I needed to "get" a girlfriend. I told him to shut the hell up. I don't want to possess a lady. It's difficult enough seeing all the couples on TV and wherever in which the male is the dominant partner. It's unreasonable to ask for a lady to be attracted to me; after all, if any were so inclined to feel that way, logically it would have happened at least once in the last 23 years. Further, it would be absurd to try and find a lady who was at an equal or lower level to myself in terms of morality, strength, work ethic, et cetera. Even if I did find one, how could a perfectionist such as myself be attracted to her? (Incidentally, how the hell can a person like me survive being a perfectionist?)
As I noted in one of my gratuitous "yammering on about Japanese media" emails back in the days when I thought someone was actually reading them, I pointed out that my main rationale for being interested in yuri media is the beauty of the aesthetic concept. If two ladies fall in love, they can be equal partners, without either worrying that she's not worthy of the other. In a semi-ideal world, the majority of ladies would love each other and the majority of men would be lonely and dejected. (In a really ideal world, they wouldn't have the men in the first place.)
So where does that leave me? After all, the only meaning that there could be to my life would be to be of some use to a lady. But the problems with this are all too numerous. The main one is, of course, that I'm not any use in the first place. I have no skills, talents, nor abilities, and ladies don't even find me attractive. More importantly, I don't have any motivation to follow any morals or ethics, or to do the bare minimum at any task. I can hardly expect a lady to believe that I'd clean up my act if I were serving her, not if I even doubt it myself. Further, I have little reason to believe there even is a lady who wants a servant such as myself. As far as I know, in every civilization tradition has dictated that in any male-female partnership, the male be dominant, so that's what's been conditioned into both men and ladies. Even if a feminist wants a man, she wants him as an equal partner; if she wanted to be in charge, then the chauvinists would just call them hypocrites. (For that matter, a feminist wouldn't want anything to do with a chauvinist such as myself anyway.)
I don't suppose I can end this with any real conclusion, as I don't see any way that I can be useful without forcing a lady to consort with the likes of me. I just have to hope that ladies develop better taste; then at least I can make fun of the men who are worse than I. Well, I suppose I can make fun of them anyway, but I don't want to make their girlfriends angry. . . .