SPN Fic, "Five Times Dean Acted Like A Girl" (Sam/girl!Dean/Andy), 1/6
I can't, I simply cannot believe that this shit is finally done. I started this story in June.. of '07! And I only just finished it tonight. This was something I really struggled with because I kept telling myself it sucked, no one would want to read it, etc. etc. But every time I read it over I found myself laughing, so whatevs. I actually really enjoyed writing this story, when all is said and done, so I hope it gives some pleasure to read it as well.
links posted to sn_slash and spn_stoners.
--------------------------------------------------------
Fandom: Supernatural
Title: Five Times Dean Acted Like A Girl (1/6)
Author: arby_m
Pairing: various combinations of Sam, Andy and girl!Dean
Rating: R (cussing, Wincest)
Spoilers: Through Simon Said.
Warnings: Crack, genderswap (duh)
Length: ~10k words in total, this chapter clocks in at ~1500 words
Disclaimer: Fictional characters used without intent of copyright infringement.
Summary: Dean went to sleep a dude, and woke up a lady.
Author's Note: Kidding! I do not seriously think that this is what it means to be a woman. I merely thought it would be funny to see Dean (especially the chauvinist as he is portrayed in the show) turned into the most stereotypical girl possible. Even if magical genderswapping were possible, I highly doubt it would suddenly render one obsessed with shopping/makeup, etc.
Feedback: is ♥
1. Dean Gets a Visit
"WHAT THE FUCK, Sammy, can't you do anything right?" Dean bitched as Sam handed him a coffee. "I asked for a nonfat venti mochachino. This is a regular coffee, looks like it has half-and-half in it no less, and even," he held the cup to his nose and sniffed dramatically, "sugar! Why don't you just forcefeed me donuts if you want me to get fat so much?!"
Sam stared at him - her, whatever - in disbelief. "Dude, now I know you're really smoking crack. I asked what kind of coffee you wanted and you yelled 'the usual, shithead!' This is your 'usual', shithead, so if you don't like it, you have no one to blame but yourself."
"Really? You're not just fucking with me?" The wide-eyed look was apparently sincere, and somehow even more devastating in Dean's new heart-shaped face, though the big hazel eyes themselves hadn't changed a bit. There was something to be said there about Dean ordinarily looking like a girl, but Sam didn't have the energy to make the joke, even to himself.
"Really."
Some of Sam's internal organs felt a little melted from overexposure to the Dean X-Ray of Truth.
At that Dean's mood abruptly swung the other way with the brittle precision of a weathervane. "Jesus, Sammy, I'm sorry. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me lately. I feel so fucking angry all the time, I seriously want to go on a killing spree, my back hurts in a way I can't even begin to describe, and I also feel like I'm constantly on the verge of tears, you know?" In fact, his eyes were glinting suspiciously even as he spoke.
Sam knew all right, but not from personal experience.
"Hey, let's go get some food, okay?" he said gently. Dean would find out soon enough.
They were sitting in the diner, Dean making out with his chocolate shake - "Ohmygod seriously you have no idea, how much I seriously want to marry this shake right now" - when it hit him with all the subtlety of an invisible ninja demon. All of a sudden Dean stopped in mid-slurp and a horrified expression came over his face. He looked down at himself, then clutched at his abdomen and crumpled over as if he'd been shot. Then he abruptly stood up, came around the booth and lifted his shirt up, shoving his stomach in Sam's face. His shapely new stomach, hairless and gently curved.
Sam instantly averted his gaze, out of habit more than anything else. For some reason girls had the disconcerting habit of disrobing in public when he was around - though usually more in Dean's direction than his. "What are you doing?"
"Check for signs of the Baraku - you know, those wicked awesome invisible knife demons - would you? Because something is stabbing the shit out of me right now."
"Dean, I hate to break it to you, but I think you're just getting a visit."
Dean chuckled. "That's what I used to call it when a girl was.. Oh, no. No, no, no, NO! I am NOT going to bleed from my pussy!!" This last was shouted, and heads definitely turned. Sam wanted to disappear into the earth on the spot. So he did the next best thing - paid and got the hell out of there.
Dean was standing in the parking lot, fuming and kicking everything in his path, from the tiniest pebble to big Coke cans.
"This is fucking BULLSHIT, man. I refuse to accept this."
Sam opened the driver’s side door and got behind the wheel. Now that Dean had been 'pussified' - literally, no less - he made Sam drive, but of course insisted on keeping up a running commentary of admonitions, nadgering and insults.
Sam waved off Dean's caviling as he made an exaggerated show of buckling his seatbelt, not entirely to annoy Dean. "Hey, women have to put up with it every month for thirty-odd years."
"Well, that's equally bullshit. Turn left."
Sam couldn't help it, though he knew it would only make things worse - he laughed. Dean was just so earnestly indignant.
"Dude, you'd better watch out and use a condom if you plan on having sex in your new body. You could get preggers. Where are we going, CVS?"
"Shit, that's the last thing I need. What the hell would happen when I switch back - because I sure as shit am not staying a chick forever - if I was knocked up?" He shuddered. "Would I have some kind of ass-baby? I don't even want to go there. And damn straight, since I can't prevent this from happening, I'm gonna get high on Pamprin."
Sam was relieved that Dean hadn't had sex yet - he obviously didn't know the first thing about taking care of himself now that casual sex had real consequences. Of course, as with most good things involving Dean, his relief was short-lived.
"Although now that you mention it, I am really horny."
Sam could feel his face making the expression Dean liked to call his 'bitchface'.
"TMI, dude. Way TMI."
"Oh, whatever. Everyone knows girls get totally freaky when they're on the rag."
"I'm surprised that you would even consider having sex in that body - it seems kind of... gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that," he added quickly, knowing the Seinfeld reference and betting Dean didn't. He was right.
"You'd think so, right? But I dunno, it seems different now."
* * * *
In the CVS Dean was doing his usual thing, if by "usual" one meant running around the aisles chattering constantly like a monkey on speed, totally distracted by everything from lotion - "my skin feels so dry and rough, and I actually care - I finally understand why girls actually use this stuff - no real guy uses it except to jerk off with" - to bath salts "oooh, this looks nice, I'd love to take a bath with these" to makeup "I could really use some foundation and powder, my skin is just horrible". Sam trailed along behind him like an extraneous boyfriend.
"You know this is ridiculous, right?" He said finally, exasperated.
"What?"
"Getting your sex swapped like this wouldn't make you suddenly start liking makeup and bath salts. There's no such thing as gender determinism, Dean."
Dean made an interestingly rude face.
"Just because you didn't learn it in Women's Studies class doesn't mean I can't have it. Anyway how would they know? Have they done studies on dudes who randomly wake up as chicks? I didn't think so. Maybe this is breaking new ground in Sexism 101."
Sam rolled his eyes. "Oh I think it is, but not the way you mean."
Dean continued monologuing about various beauty products and pretty much ignoring Sam, until suddenly he clutched himself and shivered.
"It's fucking freezing in here - can I borrow your jacket?"
Sam rolled his eyes but had to smile despite his annoyance, it was just such a typical girl thing to do.
"Fine, whatever."
Dean put it on - the sleeves were even longer on him now than they would have been for male!Dean, he had to roll them up awkwardly. It made him look even smaller.
Speaking of all things girl... "Oh Dean, did you forget why we're here?"
Dean looked up from his intent perusal of glittery nail polishes (the appropriately named Wet & Wild), startled.
"Oh yeah." He actually blushed. Sam didn't think he'd seen Dean blush since high school. Then Dean insisted on going to the dreaded aisle alone, while Sam waited patiently in the magazine section.
After less than a minute the plaintive calls for help ensued. Sam sighed and followed the sound of his brother's new voice.
"What the hell, why are there are so many different kinds?" Dean whined.
"Okay, well, first of all, you definitely don't want deodorant," Sam said.
"Why not? I don't want to be smelly."
"Because they're full of chemicals and can be very irritating."
"Okay. I guess."
"Some girls are not fans of the cardboard applicators, either," Sam took the Tampax box out of Dean's hand and put it back on the shelf. In response to Dean's quizzical look, he explained, "Square and have rough edges."
Dean made a face. "Okay, so which one should I get? And what's up with tampons vs. pads vs. pantiliners?"
Sam noticed that a female shopper in the aisle was looking askance at them and lowered his voice.
"Well generally you need all three - tampons and pantiliners kind of go together, because you need pantiliners to catch any...um...leakage from the tampons, and then you want pads for like sleeping and stuff, or during the day if you're not going out or whatever and you don't want to bother with tampons. They're more comfortable," in response to yet another confused look.
"How the hell do you know all this stuff?" Dean attempted to whisper. "Were you secretly turned into a girl too?"
"Ha ha, very funny. No - unlike most guys, I actually listen when a girl is talking. Anyway if you're so oblivious to girly needs, how do you know about Pamprin?"
Dean laughed loudly in a most unladylike fashion, a higher-pitched version of his familiar guffaw. "I used to date this chick - Belinda Henderson from Frank High - who was a major pothead and she told me Pamprin gets them high as a kite. I figured now is the perfect chance to test that theory."
He grabbed the largest available size of the little pink boxes.
Again Sam smiled, despite himself. It was so typical of Dean to latch on to the one thing in this whole bizarre situation that might result in an altered state. Well, Pamprin was harmless enough, it might put him to sleep for a while at least.
---------------------------------------------------------------
On to Chapter 2!
links posted to sn_slash and spn_stoners.
--------------------------------------------------------
Fandom: Supernatural
Title: Five Times Dean Acted Like A Girl (1/6)
Author: arby_m
Pairing: various combinations of Sam, Andy and girl!Dean
Rating: R (cussing, Wincest)
Spoilers: Through Simon Said.
Warnings: Crack, genderswap (duh)
Length: ~10k words in total, this chapter clocks in at ~1500 words
Disclaimer: Fictional characters used without intent of copyright infringement.
Summary: Dean went to sleep a dude, and woke up a lady.
Author's Note: Kidding! I do not seriously think that this is what it means to be a woman. I merely thought it would be funny to see Dean (especially the chauvinist as he is portrayed in the show) turned into the most stereotypical girl possible. Even if magical genderswapping were possible, I highly doubt it would suddenly render one obsessed with shopping/makeup, etc.
Feedback: is ♥
1. Dean Gets a Visit
"WHAT THE FUCK, Sammy, can't you do anything right?" Dean bitched as Sam handed him a coffee. "I asked for a nonfat venti mochachino. This is a regular coffee, looks like it has half-and-half in it no less, and even," he held the cup to his nose and sniffed dramatically, "sugar! Why don't you just forcefeed me donuts if you want me to get fat so much?!"
Sam stared at him - her, whatever - in disbelief. "Dude, now I know you're really smoking crack. I asked what kind of coffee you wanted and you yelled 'the usual, shithead!' This is your 'usual', shithead, so if you don't like it, you have no one to blame but yourself."
"Really? You're not just fucking with me?" The wide-eyed look was apparently sincere, and somehow even more devastating in Dean's new heart-shaped face, though the big hazel eyes themselves hadn't changed a bit. There was something to be said there about Dean ordinarily looking like a girl, but Sam didn't have the energy to make the joke, even to himself.
"Really."
Some of Sam's internal organs felt a little melted from overexposure to the Dean X-Ray of Truth.
At that Dean's mood abruptly swung the other way with the brittle precision of a weathervane. "Jesus, Sammy, I'm sorry. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me lately. I feel so fucking angry all the time, I seriously want to go on a killing spree, my back hurts in a way I can't even begin to describe, and I also feel like I'm constantly on the verge of tears, you know?" In fact, his eyes were glinting suspiciously even as he spoke.
Sam knew all right, but not from personal experience.
"Hey, let's go get some food, okay?" he said gently. Dean would find out soon enough.
They were sitting in the diner, Dean making out with his chocolate shake - "Ohmygod seriously you have no idea, how much I seriously want to marry this shake right now" - when it hit him with all the subtlety of an invisible ninja demon. All of a sudden Dean stopped in mid-slurp and a horrified expression came over his face. He looked down at himself, then clutched at his abdomen and crumpled over as if he'd been shot. Then he abruptly stood up, came around the booth and lifted his shirt up, shoving his stomach in Sam's face. His shapely new stomach, hairless and gently curved.
Sam instantly averted his gaze, out of habit more than anything else. For some reason girls had the disconcerting habit of disrobing in public when he was around - though usually more in Dean's direction than his. "What are you doing?"
"Check for signs of the Baraku - you know, those wicked awesome invisible knife demons - would you? Because something is stabbing the shit out of me right now."
"Dean, I hate to break it to you, but I think you're just getting a visit."
Dean chuckled. "That's what I used to call it when a girl was.. Oh, no. No, no, no, NO! I am NOT going to bleed from my pussy!!" This last was shouted, and heads definitely turned. Sam wanted to disappear into the earth on the spot. So he did the next best thing - paid and got the hell out of there.
Dean was standing in the parking lot, fuming and kicking everything in his path, from the tiniest pebble to big Coke cans.
"This is fucking BULLSHIT, man. I refuse to accept this."
Sam opened the driver’s side door and got behind the wheel. Now that Dean had been 'pussified' - literally, no less - he made Sam drive, but of course insisted on keeping up a running commentary of admonitions, nadgering and insults.
Sam waved off Dean's caviling as he made an exaggerated show of buckling his seatbelt, not entirely to annoy Dean. "Hey, women have to put up with it every month for thirty-odd years."
"Well, that's equally bullshit. Turn left."
Sam couldn't help it, though he knew it would only make things worse - he laughed. Dean was just so earnestly indignant.
"Dude, you'd better watch out and use a condom if you plan on having sex in your new body. You could get preggers. Where are we going, CVS?"
"Shit, that's the last thing I need. What the hell would happen when I switch back - because I sure as shit am not staying a chick forever - if I was knocked up?" He shuddered. "Would I have some kind of ass-baby? I don't even want to go there. And damn straight, since I can't prevent this from happening, I'm gonna get high on Pamprin."
Sam was relieved that Dean hadn't had sex yet - he obviously didn't know the first thing about taking care of himself now that casual sex had real consequences. Of course, as with most good things involving Dean, his relief was short-lived.
"Although now that you mention it, I am really horny."
Sam could feel his face making the expression Dean liked to call his 'bitchface'.
"TMI, dude. Way TMI."
"Oh, whatever. Everyone knows girls get totally freaky when they're on the rag."
"I'm surprised that you would even consider having sex in that body - it seems kind of... gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that," he added quickly, knowing the Seinfeld reference and betting Dean didn't. He was right.
"You'd think so, right? But I dunno, it seems different now."
* * * *
In the CVS Dean was doing his usual thing, if by "usual" one meant running around the aisles chattering constantly like a monkey on speed, totally distracted by everything from lotion - "my skin feels so dry and rough, and I actually care - I finally understand why girls actually use this stuff - no real guy uses it except to jerk off with" - to bath salts "oooh, this looks nice, I'd love to take a bath with these" to makeup "I could really use some foundation and powder, my skin is just horrible". Sam trailed along behind him like an extraneous boyfriend.
"You know this is ridiculous, right?" He said finally, exasperated.
"What?"
"Getting your sex swapped like this wouldn't make you suddenly start liking makeup and bath salts. There's no such thing as gender determinism, Dean."
Dean made an interestingly rude face.
"Just because you didn't learn it in Women's Studies class doesn't mean I can't have it. Anyway how would they know? Have they done studies on dudes who randomly wake up as chicks? I didn't think so. Maybe this is breaking new ground in Sexism 101."
Sam rolled his eyes. "Oh I think it is, but not the way you mean."
Dean continued monologuing about various beauty products and pretty much ignoring Sam, until suddenly he clutched himself and shivered.
"It's fucking freezing in here - can I borrow your jacket?"
Sam rolled his eyes but had to smile despite his annoyance, it was just such a typical girl thing to do.
"Fine, whatever."
Dean put it on - the sleeves were even longer on him now than they would have been for male!Dean, he had to roll them up awkwardly. It made him look even smaller.
Speaking of all things girl... "Oh Dean, did you forget why we're here?"
Dean looked up from his intent perusal of glittery nail polishes (the appropriately named Wet & Wild), startled.
"Oh yeah." He actually blushed. Sam didn't think he'd seen Dean blush since high school. Then Dean insisted on going to the dreaded aisle alone, while Sam waited patiently in the magazine section.
After less than a minute the plaintive calls for help ensued. Sam sighed and followed the sound of his brother's new voice.
"What the hell, why are there are so many different kinds?" Dean whined.
"Okay, well, first of all, you definitely don't want deodorant," Sam said.
"Why not? I don't want to be smelly."
"Because they're full of chemicals and can be very irritating."
"Okay. I guess."
"Some girls are not fans of the cardboard applicators, either," Sam took the Tampax box out of Dean's hand and put it back on the shelf. In response to Dean's quizzical look, he explained, "Square and have rough edges."
Dean made a face. "Okay, so which one should I get? And what's up with tampons vs. pads vs. pantiliners?"
Sam noticed that a female shopper in the aisle was looking askance at them and lowered his voice.
"Well generally you need all three - tampons and pantiliners kind of go together, because you need pantiliners to catch any...um...leakage from the tampons, and then you want pads for like sleeping and stuff, or during the day if you're not going out or whatever and you don't want to bother with tampons. They're more comfortable," in response to yet another confused look.
"How the hell do you know all this stuff?" Dean attempted to whisper. "Were you secretly turned into a girl too?"
"Ha ha, very funny. No - unlike most guys, I actually listen when a girl is talking. Anyway if you're so oblivious to girly needs, how do you know about Pamprin?"
Dean laughed loudly in a most unladylike fashion, a higher-pitched version of his familiar guffaw. "I used to date this chick - Belinda Henderson from Frank High - who was a major pothead and she told me Pamprin gets them high as a kite. I figured now is the perfect chance to test that theory."
He grabbed the largest available size of the little pink boxes.
Again Sam smiled, despite himself. It was so typical of Dean to latch on to the one thing in this whole bizarre situation that might result in an altered state. Well, Pamprin was harmless enough, it might put him to sleep for a while at least.
---------------------------------------------------------------
On to Chapter 2!