Fic Exchange...it's all in the open now!
Well, the gig is up. We are busy making reveals for our Anniversary Exchange over at
thenaughtyroom so here is my big bad secret. Okay, not that big or bad, but meh. Whatever floats my boat. ;)
Exchange Story for
this_is_kelly
Title: Smitten
Author:
aquila_star
Rating: R - NC 17
Pairing: R/S
Author Notes: I was supposed to be writing fluff, I know, but it came out a little angsty. Still a happy ending though (did I ruin it for you? ;D)
Beta credits:
magnetic_pole
Sixth year students from all four houses crowded the entrance hall, all thrilled to have participated in their first Apparition practice. A buzz filled the large space as the young witches and wizards all seemed to be heading in different directions, and when added to students of other years who had gathered in groups to gossip, together they equaled a formidable crowd.
Sirius grinned to himself as the Marauders entered the fray. Seizing an opportunity, he edged closer to Remus, placing himself behind the smaller boy as the group slipped in to the crowd. He moved closer, close enough to breathe deeply and inhale the wonderful scent of Moony.
‘Ahh, Moony,’ his smitten brain thought as he moved even closer. Remus always smelled good, a fact that Sirius was quickly becoming hard pressed to ignore. That and many other facts about Moony.
Just then Remus was jostled and Sirius reached out with both hands (although perhaps only one was needed) and caught Remus, holding him securely by the hips as the crowd flowed around them. Time seemed to stand still for a minute, and Sirius breathed in again, deeply. He would never get enough of the way Moony smelled.
Then the crowd shifted again, and with a murmured ‘Thanks Pads.’ from Remus, they were moving again, James leading the way as usual, pushing his way through the crowd of humanity to the front doors.
Sirius took a minute to memorize the way Remus had felt under his hands, how he had smelled, the way his hair fell onto his neck and he was hard pressed to decide which looked softer, the hair or the golden skin underneath it. He couldn’t help himself, and grinned like an idiot. It was now impossible to keep up the charade, at least with himself. As Sirius followed his friends out the huge front doors, he admitted freely to himself what he had been denying for months now.
He, Sirius Black, pureblood scion of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black was completely, helplessly, madly in love with a half blooded werewolf. Who was also another boy. And what’s more, he was fine with it. Better than fine as a matter of fact. There was no one who would ever come close to Remus in Sirius’ mind, well, maybe James, but James was his brother, so he didn’t count. Sirius was so far beyond smitten that he didn’t care anymore. He had given himself up to it, and had started to revel in his feelings. There was nothing better than a Moony.
As the four made their way towards the lakeside to bask in the sun, Sirius contemplated the way the sunlight glinted off Remus’ honey-colored hair, and wondered what to do now. Telling Remus was out of the question, how do you tell your best mate, who is also a boy; that you are in love with him? That you want to kiss him; that you want HIM to kiss you, to mark you, to make you his. Sirius was not the type to be submissive, but oh, Remus could do anything to him, anything at all, and he would love it. Remus was the wolf, his wolf, and Sirius was desperate to submit to him. Even Peter, who wouldn’t notice if his chicken legs got up and tap danced in his potatoes and called it dinner theatre, had noticed that Sirius immediately gave way to anything Remus said. He had given up so many ideas for pranks at the behest of a disapproving Remus, that he could hardly count them. But Sirius didn’t care; the look of approval Remus gave him every time he backed down was worth it. Pranks were nothing to the Moonysmile, after all.
Three of the four boys threw themselves down under their usual tree, but Sirius waited until Remus was settled with his back against the trunk and a book in his lap, before laying down in front of him, right in the perfect position so Sirius could watch Remus, without Remus, or James and Peter for that matter, realizing what he was doing.
They stayed there for the better part of an hour before Remus closed his book with a sigh. Sirius watched as he fidgeted with the cover of the book, watched in dry-mouthed awe at how his long elegant fingers played with the frayed edge of the spine, and Sirius saw Remus’ chest rise and fall as he took in a deep breath.
“Well, I’d better be getting on.” Remus said as he sat up straight. “I’ve got a date.”
At this statement the other three boys stared at Remus in shock, and a hot stab of jealousy tore through Sirius’ chest, settling into his belly. He was forced to close his eyes in order to control his face, and he heard James asking Remus who he was seeing.
“So who’s the lucky girl, Moony? Anyone I know?” James asked with a lecherous wink, and Peter giggled girlishly. He was lucky that Sirius was presently incapacitated, as he was usually mocked soundly, and rightly so, for giggling like a girl.
Remus was silent for a moment and Sirius opened his eyes in time to see the werewolf look out across the lake and then back into his lap. He looked nervous, and Sirius wondered who he could possibly be dating to make him so reluctant to tell his friends. As long as she wasn’t Lily Evans, there was nothing to worry about.
Remus sighed deeply and then looked James right in the eye and said, “Jacob Parker.”
Sirius sat up like a shot, his mind whirring and his stomach roiling with mad shock and jealousy. He tried to speak, but he found his voice stuck in his throat, along with his heart. James was the first to break the uncomfortable silence.
“Jacob Parker. The Ravenclaw seeker? But, but…” James asked confusedly.
Remus rolled his eyes and replied. “Yes James. Yes, he’s a boy, and yes, so am I. I thought it would be easier to tell you this way.” Remus gazed at Sirius with a frown on his face and Sirius swallowed heavily, trying to open his throat so he could speak.
“Are you okay, Sirius?” Remus asked quietly, and it was all Sirius could do to nod his head.
“So…you’re gay then.” Peter stated, and Remus smirked at him. “Yes, I am. Are you guys okay with that?” Remus looked at them questioningly, his eyes ending up on Sirius as the other boy was still unable to articulate a single word. It was hard to talk when the entire contents of your digestive tract were trying to exit through your nose.
“Well, yeah, I mean, it’s not like you fancy one of us, right?” James asked carefully.
Remus chuckled to himself. “No, no, I don’t fancy you James, sorry to disappoint you.”
James smiled in relief. “Oh, that’s good. Well. That’s okay then, I mean, you’ve got a worse secret, and we’ve known about that for years.”
Remus and James smiled broadly at each other, understanding reached.
“Yeah, its okay, Remus. Not like you can help it right? Anyway, it’s less competition for me, and that can only be a good thing.” Peter was rewarded by a warm smile from Remus, who then turned his attention to Sirius.
The black-haired boy was still in shock. Here he was mind bogglingly in love with his supposedly straight friend, only to find out that said friend was actually gay. And dating another boy. Another boy who was not Sirius. Life was just too cruel for words, which was actually a good thing at the moment, as Sirius was quite unable to speak. .
“Sirius?” Remus asked softly, and Sirius snapped his head up. Remus’ eyes were soft and worried and Sirius stared into them for several long moments, still unable to speak, unable to think of anything except ‘he’s not with me not me not me not me not me’
When Remus said his name again, Sirius lost it. He leapt to his feet and stood over Remus, panting as if he had just run around the lake several times, tears threatening to overtake him, and before they could spill across his cheeks, he tore his feet up from where they were frozen to the ground and bolted, running as fast as he could, running as far away as he could get. He couldn’t go back, he couldn’t face Remus again, he couldn’t sit by and watch while Remus was happy with some one else. Not just anyone else, no, but another boy. Sirius felt his stomach threaten to empty again, and pushed himself harder to stop it. And still two words repeated in his head, again and again, driving him mad with their persistence, their truth.
’not me not me not me’
Sirius did not know how long he ran for, or where he ended up, but he stopped suddenly. Of rather, he fell. His legs gave out at long last and he tumbled to the ground, sprawling face into the dirt as tears of frustration, yearning, fury, heartbreak flowed unbidden down his face to where it rested on the ground, leaving clumps of mud on his cheeks. He couldn’t hold the emotions in and they manifested on his face, much to his chagrin.
He lay there until there were no more tears, his face as dry and scratchy as his throat, and when he finally rolled himself over, he realized it was almost dark, and he still didn’t know where he was. He also realized that as much as it terrified him, he would have to go back to the castle, the tower, the dorm and face not only the school, but his friends, his Moony.
‘No!’ he thought suddenly, not his Moony, never his Moony, and he felt the prickle of renewed tears behind his eyes and had to blink hard to push them back in. He wasn’t going to let the tears come again, he was done with them. ‘No more crying over Moony.’ He told himself firmly, not really believing it.
He heard the crunch of footsteps behind him and looked up to see he was still beside the lake, far from the tree he had sat under with his friends not too long ago, sitting on a patch of grass sandwiched between the water and the darkness of the forest. He contemplated transforming into Padfoot and living out his life hidden in the woods, but dismissed it as too melodramatic, even for him.
He looked up to the person who was coming ever closer, and gasped in shock and dismay (and blinding joy, who was he kidding?) that it was Remus who was approaching. The other boy looked sad, worried, his face drawn, and Sirius felt a pang of regret in his belly. He had done that to Remus, he had pulled the sparkle out of those beautiful eyes, and it wounded him.
He stayed frozen as Remus came up to him, stopping a few feet away and staring down at Sirius, who could not raise his eyes above Remus’ knees, even if he had wanted too, which he didn’t. Facing Remus was something he could never do again.
Remus let out a sigh and sat down beside Sirius, looking out over the lake as if searching for answers. They sat there in silence as the last of the day’s light fled the sky, and darkness fell around them.
Finally Remus broke the silence, his voice cracking over the words as he pushed aside all the small talk and got right down to business.
“Do you hate me now?” Remus asked in a small, tortured voice and Sirius spun to look at him in shock, the very thought alien to his mind.
“No!” he said emphatically, wondering that he could speak at all. “No, I don’t hate you.”
‘Couldn’t be further from it.’ He thought wryly as he looked into Remus’ eyes. He was surprised to find them looking back at him with a mixture of fear and confusion.
Sirius took a deep breath, pulled his thoughts into some kind of order. “I don’t hate you.” He said again softer this time, trying to school his face into an expression that didn’t leak his heart out his eyes. It was difficult, to say the least.
“Are you…” Remus started, seemingly unable to get out the whole sentence. Sirius heard him take a deep breath, and then he tried again.
“Do you, that is, are you…will you be okay with it? Me being gay, I mean. You ran away so fast, I thought maybe you hated me now, that you wouldn’t want to be my friend anymore.” Remus’ voice quieted as he spoke, as if he was afraid of what the answer would be.
“I can’t lose you like this, Sirius, not you.” He looked down then and began plucking at his pant leg with those capable fingers.
Sirius laughed suddenly, the irony of the situation forcing the hollow sound out of him. Remus looked up at him in surprise as the dark haired boy chuckled wryly to himself and shook his head.
“You’ll never lose me, Remus.” He replied quietly, when the laughter died, once again not daring to look up at the other boy.
“I love you, Moony.” He spurted out suddenly, and then he froze. He had not meant to say that, but he couldn’t take it back now.
“I love you too Pads, that’s why I’m so worried. I don’t want things to change between us because of this.”
Sirius let out another chuckle in disbelief that Remus had so clearly mistaken his meaning.
“No, Remus. I don’t love you like that. I mean I do, but that’s not all, I…” he took a deep breath, determined now to say what only minutes before he was sure he never would.
“I mean. I’m in love with you, Remus.”
Remus stilled beside him, and Sirius closed his eyes, waiting for his friend to tell him that he didn’t think of Sirius like that, that Sirius was being silly. ‘What a good prank, Pads.’ he would quip. Just because Remus was gay, it didn’t mean he would fancy Sirius. He was dating Jacob, after all. Gorgeous, smart, talented Jacob bloody Parker. Sirius hated him suddenly, like he had never hated anyone before, not even Snape, not even his mother.
“Sirius, what are you saying?” Remus asked; his voice strained with disbelief.
Sirius shot to his feet and started pacing. “I’m saying I’m in love with you, Remus. So, so in love with you, I can’t breathe when you get too close, or when you smile at me, or when you laugh…” he stopped suddenly and pressed his hands harshly into his eyelids, trying to hold back the tears. His voice cracked as he continued.
“I love your hair, and the way it lays on your neck, or on your forehead. I love the way you brush it back when it annoys you. I love your eyes and how they sparkle when you smile, I love how your laugh makes me feel all warm inside, so I try to make you laugh all the time, so I can keep feeling that way. I love how you frown when you read something serious, or smirk to yourself when it’s funny. I love the way you give me that disapproving look, not because I want you to disapprove, but because it means you care about me enough that you do. I love how you care about everyone else too, how you help everyone. I love the patience you have with James and his rambling about Evans, I love the care you show in treating Peter, because I know I don’t.”
Sirius stopped again and turned to look at Remus, and this time he couldn’t stop his heart from shining in his eyes as he spoke again. His voice cracked a little this time, these words were harder to say. But the words were flowing of their own accord now, shocking Sirius with their truth and their vehemence.
“I hate that I can’t protect you. I hate that you go through so much pain every month; I’m just desperate to stop it, to make it go away. I hate that you are the smartest of all of us, yet the world won’t even give you a chance to be what you could, what you are.” He gulped, attempting again to say what was really on his lips.
“I love you, Moony. I love how you smell, and how you look, and every little bookworm part of you. I want to kiss your lips, and your eyes, and your neck, and I want you naked in my bed…no, no, I want to be naked in your bed, I want you to kiss me, I want you to OWN me Remus, I’m yours, I’m just…I don’t just want Moony to be Padfoot’s master; I want you to be mine.”
He held Remus’ shocked gaze, trying to pour all these things and so many more into these last few words. “I’m in love with you.” He said quietly, the tears slipping out again, he couldn’t stop them anymore.
“Sirius…” Remus had risen to his feet while Sirius was speaking, and now he took a step towards the tearful boy in front of him “Oh, Sirius.” He said brokenly, answering tears glowing in his eyes as he came closer.
Sirius turned away, the tears flowing freely now. His shoulders shook a little, only to freeze as he felt a hand on his shoulder, the warmth of Remus’ touch shooting through him to drive away the coldness in his belly. Remus turned him firmly, and moved closer as Sirius tried in vain to wipe the tears from his face. He was such a mess, how would he ever deserve someone like Remus?
“My Sirius.” Remus whispered as his hands came up to cradle Sirius’ tear stained face. Golden hazel eyes met silver grey ones, and the love that shone out of Remus’ beautiful eyes made Sirius suck in a shocked breath. He could feel Remus’ breaths on his lips, on his cheeks, fluttering his eyelashes, and he stood rooted to the ground for the second time that day, frozen as Remus drew ever closer.
“Oh, if only I’d have known, Sirius, I would have done this so much sooner.” Sirius’ eyes fell shut in disbelief as Remus pulled his face in and rubbed his perfect lips against Sirius’. He brushed their lips together for a moment before pulling Sirius’ bottom lip in between his own, and suddenly Sirius’ arms were around Remus’ neck, clinging desperately and Remus’ hands were roaming his back, drawing them together tightly from knee to chest.
Sirius made a helpless sound in his throat as Remus deepened the kiss again, his tongue swiping against Sirius’ lips before sliding them open to press tentatively into Sirius’ mouth. The kiss became much more urgent after that, tongues sliding against each other, now roughly, now gently, now with a desperation that bespoke all the feelings Sirius had kept inside for so long.
They pulled apart, gasping; forgetting how to breathe, Sirius couldn’t think, this occurrence was so far beyond anything he had ever dreamed, that he just didn’t know how to process it.
“Sirius.” Remus spoke first, drawing Sirius’ eyes up to his. “I love you, Sirius, my silly boy.” He grinned brightly as at the other boy, Sirius’ face lightening as he finally processed the fact that he was here, that Moony was holding him, kissing him, telling Sirius that he loved him.
“Oh, god, how I love you. I had no idea. I would have...” Remus was still unable to finish a sentence, so instead he kissed Sirius again, worshiping his lips, cradling Sirius to him tightly. They broke apart again, and Remus pressed his forehead to Sirius’ and gazing into his eyes.
“Do you really love me, Moony?” Sirius asked carefully, the skeptical part of him was still unsure, that after it all, after a year of longing painfully in secret, Remus was here, holding him, kissing him, telling Sirius he loved him. It was too good to be true. Perhaps he had hit his head when he fell.
“Yes, Sirius, I do. Very much.” Remus smiled happily at the grin that spread joy all over Sirius’ face. He kissed Sirius again, softly and asked, “Sirius, will you be my boyfriend?”
Sirius pulled back, shocked a little at the question, but quickly replied. “Yes! Of course, Remus, I want that more than anything. Oh Merlin, I never dreamed it would really happen!”
They smiled at each other again, then they were kissing once more, lips tangled and hands roaming, and before it could go any further Remus pulled back.
“Good. Now that that’s settled, let’s go back to the castle, its bloody freezing out here.” He took Sirius’ hand in his, and they made their way back to the school by the light of the half moon.
They stopped at the Owlery on the way back so Remus could send another note to Jacob. The first had been to tell the Ravenclaw that he couldn’t make their date that night, and the second was to tell him that he couldn’t make it ever. Sirius grinned like an idiot as Remus tied the note onto a brown barn owl for delivery the next morning, then he reached out and took his new boyfriend by the hand, leading him back to the warmth and privacy of the dorm.
The slipped into the common room, hand in hand, looking well-snogged and giddy, ignoring the surprised looks of the other students there. When they got to the dorm, they found James pacing in circles around the room, Peter on James’ bed eating something that looked as if it had once been a Chocolate Frog.
“Look what I found.” Remus said he closed the door. He still held Sirius by the hand, and Sirius knew he would never let go, as long as Moony was holding him.
“Sirius!” James exclaimed, moving purposefully towards his friend. “Are you okay, what happened out there?”
Sirius opened his mouth as if to answer, but Remus was quicker. “He’s fine. Just a little bout of jealousy, that’s all. It’s all better now, and there is no Jacob any more.” He grinned at James as he spoke, taking in the shocked look on the James’ face, and the matching look adorning Peter’s.
“We’ve worked it out. So, if that’s all the questions you have for this evening, I would very much like to go to bed and get better acquainted with my new boyfriend. Good night lads.”
With that he pulled a beaming Sirius after him and they tumbled onto Remus’ bed, tangled and snogging before they hit the mattress, leaving their friends more than a little shell-shocked, to say the least.
******** ******** ********
Sirius woke when a ray of sunlight started inching its way across his face, and he sighed deeply at the bliss he felt, the joy that had filled him so completely since that night by the lake with Remus not two months ago. Finding out Remus loved him had been the best thing he’d ever heard, to that point anyway, it just kept getting better, every time Remus told him he loved him, every time they kissed, every time they touched.
Sirius was ecstatically happy, and here it was Christmas morning, and he was waking up wrapped in a pair of arms that were much stronger than they looked, perfect for cradling him, or for pressing him into the bed, or the wall; arms that ended in fingertips that had traced every inch of Sirius’ body since the first time they had touched. Waking up with Moony was the best feeling ever, and Sirius reveled in it anew every morning. Whether he deserved it or not, Remus loved him, and that was enough.
He lay still for a few minutes in the early morning quiet of the dorm, James and Peter had both gone home for Christmas, leaving Remus and Sirius on their own, an event that could not have made the boys any happier. Soon Sirius began to feel something pressing against his backside, and he grinned as Remus’ morning erection began to rub up and down the cleft between his cheeks, with nothing between them, no clothes to interfere with the sensations in evoked. Yes, life alone in the dorm was proving to be so amazing and freeing that Sirius was worried he might not be able to get used to Moony not being naked all the time when the other students returned.
‘Ah, well,’ he thought. ‘Better enjoy it while I can.’
He began to push backwards against the growing hardness that pressed into him, his back pressed against Remus’ chest as tight as was possible, and their legs entwined under the duvet.
Suddenly Remus’ arms tightened and he pulled Sirius back against him more firmly, the erection pressed in between Sirius’ arse cheeks was hot and silky and felt so good that Sirius couldn’t stop himself from grinding back against it, his own erection pressing upwards, demanding attention.
Remus growled in his ear and pressed harder against the willing body against him, and Sirius got even harder. He loved it when Remus growled, it was base and animal and passionate, and Sirius reveled in it. He made Remus feel this way, him, Sirius Black, and it was clearly the pinnacle of his accomplishment.
He let out a sharp gasp as Remus slid into him easily, lazily, Sirius already loosened and slick from the lovemaking they had indulged in mere hours before.
Remus thrust slowly and deeply into Sirius, his hands roaming now over Sirius’ chest and neck, flitting down teasingly to brush past Sirius’ impatient erection, and Sirius let out a moan of frustration. Finally a warm hand gripped him firmly and pulled, and at the same moment Sirius felt lips on his neck, his shoulder, his jaw. He gasped again, squirming now in the werewolf’s arms, and then came, sharply and suddenly as Remus bit down on his neck, hard, almost hard enough to draw blood, and certainly hard enough to leave an angry red mark.
Remus sucked on the same spot eagerly as he gave into his own climax, the muscles around him tightening and gripping as Sirius rode out his orgasm, spurting wet warmth onto Remus’ hand. He followed soon after, keeping up the slow thrusting that so tantalized them both, until his own orgasm shot through him like molten fire in his veins.
Sirius sighed blissfully as Remus gently licked the mark he had made on Sirius’ neck, and the boys simply held each other, not needing words to communicate their satiation to the other.
Finally Remus pulled back and slipped out of his boyfriend and Sirius let out a grunt of dismay at the separation. Remus chuckled at the pout evident in his boyfriend’s voice and patted his rear consolingly.
“Don’t worry Pads, I’ll be right back for another go, I just need to fetch your present.”
At this Sirius rolled onto his back, a bright childlike grin spread over his handsome features as he watched his boyfriend dig underneath the bed, coming back with a package wrapped in silver and tied with a red ribbon.
“Ooh, a present for use in bed?” Sirius asked mischievously, his eyes gleaming as he took the package and gave it a shake, sitting up against the headboard to open it. Remus got back into the bed and settled back next to Sirius, wrapping one long arm around the other boy, smiling in anticipation at Sirius’ reaction to the gift.
Sirius pulled off the wrapping paper and opened the box gingerly, pausing to smile up at Remus as he did. He gasped when he saw what was inside, and stared in awe at the boy beside him.
“Moony!” he exclaimed, reaching out a finger to trace a black leather band, and then letters stamped on gold. Remus grinned down at him as he reached in and pulled out a simple black collar, with a gold charm dangling from the front.
“I thought you would like it, you know, to show you that I take you seriously. You’re mine, Pads, and this will prove it to anyone who dares to think other wise.”
Sirius grinned up at Remus again, and then he looked down to read what had been stamped onto the charm that dangled from a ring piercing the supple leather.
Stenciled there, plain for all those who looked to see was the word ‘Padfoot,’ and below it, ‘I belong to Moony’
Sirius had never been so delighted before in his life, it was perfect, and he told Remus so, not with words but with a moving kiss, his arms around his boyfriend’s neck, gripping the collar in his hand.
They broke apart and smiled at one another, and then Remus said, “Let’s put it on, shall we?” Sirius nodded mutely and gave the collar to Remus who undid the clasp and laid the leather against the pale skin of Sirius’ neck. He refastened it snugly, the leather flush against the skin, and he pulled back to take it in.
The darkness of the leather contrasted sharply with the whiteness of Sirius’ skin, the gold charm gleaming brightly in the morning sunlight as it lay in the hollow of Sirius’ throat. And he belonged to Remus, body and soul, heart and mind.
Sirius felt himself harden anew as Remus put the collar on, watching Remus’ face as the brown haired boy gazed at his neck hungrily, adorned now with not one, but two stamps of Remus’ possession.
“I’ll never take it off.” Sirius whispered, catching Remus’ eye determinedly, the promise in his words as plain as his name on the collar. Remus growled roughly and pushed Sirius back into the bed, and set about proving to the world, though none was there to see it, that Sirius belonged to him. Forever.