Here is some more angst, as if there isn't enough.
Yup, there it is. Angst, angst, and more angst. Don't ask me why, I don't know.
Title: No Need to Argue
Author:
aquila_star
Rating: PG
Pairing: Remus/Sirius
Notes: The end. angsty!puppies. This ficlet was inspired by No Need to Argue, by the Cranberries.
“But they say it will work out fine,
Was it all a waste of time?
‘Cause I knew, I knew I’d lose you.”
Remus unlocked the door to the flat and let himself in, so relieved to be home that he allowed himself for a moment to forget. Forget that there had been heated words before he left, and clenched fists and anger, no smiles or kisses or hopes for a safe return. Closing the door, he leaned back against it and closed his eyes. Their relationship had been strained lately, to say the least. Sirius was fed up with the distance, the secrets, and the absences and Remus could not blame him, not really. It still hurt though, wounded him that Sirius didn’t trust him. His boyfriend knew he was working for Dumbledore, but every time Remus left it got harder, every time he came home it was colder in the flat, despite the August heat. He sighed and opened his eyes, he knew that a reckoning was coming, and he hoped fervently that they would make it through. He opened his eyes and slowly he began to take in his environment, the small changes to the flat that were blatantly obvious to Remus suddenly jumping out at him. It was as if the flat had been wiped clean of Sirius, in one broad swipe. The flat was bare and empty, the air hung heavy, almost mournful as Remus drew in a shuddering breath.
So. That was it then, he was gone. Part of Remus had been expecting it, he had never deluded himself enough to believe he would keep Sirius. It had been inevitable, so he had taken what he was offered and had tried to be happy. He had been happy. Fighting with Sirius was better than nothing. Now he didn’t even have that.
Putting his bag and overcoat on the sofa, he walked silently through the flat to the kitchen. Every trace of Sirius was gone, everything but a lingering smell of dog and the heaviness of loss.
Instead of enjoying the quiet, something that had always been lacking with Sirius around, instead of the peace being soothing, as he had imagined it would, it hurt. It physically hurt him to stand in the silence, the glaring empty spaces in the flat and his heart were gaping now and raw, like a freshly torn wound.
They had argued heatedly before he left, as usual Sirius had begged him to stay, demanded any explanation, any sort of assurance. Remus had been unable to give it to him, the Unbreakable Vow he had entered into with Dumbledore making it impossible for him to speak of his missions, of what kept him apart from Sirius, in body and mind.
He entered the kitchen, surprised to find Sirius seated at the kitchen table, nursing a glass of Firewhisky, the bottle at his side, half empty. He stopped walking and stared, his aching eyes drinking in the sight of the dark haired man. This would be the last, he knew, and he couldn’t stop himself from memorizing everything about Sirius. Every line, every feature, the turn of his lips even in sorrow, the angle of his shoulders, all the parts that added up to make Sirius so much more than their sum.
“You’re back.” Sirius said dully, breaking the heavy silence in the room.
“Yes” Remus answered quietly, his hands itching to touch the fall of black hair that rested on Sirius’ neck. He let the pain of remembrance overcome him, and for a moment he could imagine being able to touch, to run his hands through that silky hair, to kiss the neck hidden beneath. It would only make things worse, he knew. They were beyond touches now, had been for a long while. They had not made love in weeks; all intimacy shattered with too much time apart, too much suspicion, too many secrets.
“I’m surprised to find you here,” Remus choked out, his throat clogged with emotion. “It looks like you…like you’ve...” he couldn’t bring himself to say the words aloud, to admit that he knew. Sirius was leaving him. Sirius had left him.
“Yes.” Sirius replied simply. “I…it’s…I can’t do it Remus, it’s too much, it’s too hard.” He tossed back the remaining whisky in his glass and stood. As he turned to face Remus, the late afternoon sun splashed across his face, bringing drawn features into stark relief. Remus felt the now familiar ache in his chest again, threatening to split his soul in two.
“Sirius, I’m sorry. I wish I could tell you, I…”
Sirius cut him off with a wave of his hand, and fixed Remus with a mournful look. The words clogged in Remus’ throat, words of regret, of sorrow, of pleading, begging words, words to change the inevitable outcome, words to bring Sirius back. They tasted like bile on his tongue as he stared brokenly at his lover. ‘Ex-lover.’ he thought with a knife twist in his belly.
“There’s no need to argue anymore, Remus. All the words have been said, nothing is going to change things.” Sirius moved quietly around the table opposite Remus, making his way slowly to the door and out of Remus’ life forever. He stopped as he came even with Remus and drew in a deep breath.
They stood for a long moment looking into each other’s eyes, shattered heart to shattered heart. “I’m sorry.” Sirius whispered into the heaviness before turning and slipping out of the room. A moment later Remus heard the door close, the soft sound destroying him finally, completely, jolting him into action.
“Sirius!” he yelled, dashing out of the kitchen to the door and tearing it open. He could stop it, he could change it, it couldn’t end this way. His breathing was ragged as he stared at the empty walk, the lingering scent of dog strong here as his eyes raked across the street to where Padfoot’s bushy tail disappeared into the bush opposite the flat.
“Sirius!” he yelled again, desperation making his voice break, even as he knew he was too late. Sirius was gone.
“Will I forget in time, you said I was on your mind?
There’s no need to argue, no need to argue anymore.”