what i'm willing to give

[aqhart]

i’m tired

Comments

[___starslight]

This makes me really, really sad to read. Actually, it makes me sad everytime I read this, because I do feel like I have read this before. I know that sometimes things happen which can't be seen in a positive way. I know that you don't like working like you do; I know that there is no way to up your morale about that. I know that your father has unfortunately been a complete asshole to you most of your life. I know these things. But damnit, Alex, you're only as happy as you choose to be! You have so many things also to be glad and thankful for. I am not saying that you are an ungrateful person, just that you need to give these thoughts a little more priority than the negative ones. Your job sucks sometimes, but at least you have one. And at least now you live in your own place. You managed to salvage your relationship with your mother, and now you know, contrary to what you used to think, that she truly does care and is proud of you. Your father is a jerk to everybody; he doesn't discriminate, so there's no reason to get down on

[aqhart]

i wasn't really feeling any of this when i wrote it. what i was trying to put down was the reasons behind why i'm going into the navy. it's not to become a man, not mainly for the money, but more for the need to finally get myself to a point where i feel deserving of something, entitled. you know i've always had that issue, with mediocrity and the way it slips through the cracks and with my keen eye for my own flaws, and you once said you felt like i was asking you to fix me, and you were probably right. but the navy thing is me trying to fix myself. i’ll admit that this entry was a complaint, a complaint i've had for quite sometime, but it's not how i am now. now i'm proud to say i'm taking the needed steps to improve my life. i'm proud to say that i'm not being complacent anymore, accepting of this gray i keep harping on and on about. i'm doing something about it, at whatever cost (and four years feels like a high cost, but the point is i’m willing to pay it). i'm not asking for meaning to be dropped in my lap anymore, i'm hunting

[___starslight]

I'm glad to hear that you were writing that out of explanation and not frustration. I'm sorry if I got a little maternal on you there. Regardless, we should try and get together again before you leave for boot camp. Are you planning on visiting Ryan in Athens at all? It would be nice to see you around here.