SOP help please!

[xdawnfirex]

I know this is terribly short notice, as this app is due on Saturday, but I really hope that someone here could please take a moment to read over this SOP I have drafted for a Well-Regarded History PhD program.

Version 2 at Pastebin (edited

Comments

[tisiphone]

Quick review:
I am applying for admissions to the Doctor of Philosophy program in the Department of History. I have been a student of history since 1995, when I took my very first Ancient World class at [Junior College]. Despite some early uncertainty about my career plans, I have always returned to history. [Add something about ongoing interest - don't mention career uncertainty.]
I want to learn and, eventually, I want to teach. [At what level]? To that end, I have taken classes in education which will give me a stronger foundation in teaching once I arrive at that point in my career;. I have also studied a diverse array of disciplines to make myself a more well-rounded individual. [If you want to say something about what you've studied and how it relates to your studies that's good, but they don't care if you're well-rounded in grad school

[xdawnfirex]

Thank you! Editing now, and will edit the pastebin to reflect.

[tisiphone]

General comments:
- Your structure is all over the place. Try a chronological structure - what you did previously, how it leads into what you're going to do, and what you're going to do.
- Most of the emphasis should be on your research plans, and how what you've already done contributes to that.
- Just name-dropping a prof or two isn't enough - you need to be specific about how your planned topic of study fits into theirs.
- Do not, under any circumstances, give the impression that you're applying for grad school because you're not sure what to do next. That might be true. It often is. It can also completely scupper your application if they think you're wasting time or avoiding real life. Just don't even go there.
- I'm really interested in your research on knighthood and what you're proposing for new research. If this were me, I'd focus mostly on that, and less on your personal motivations.

[xdawnfirex]

Thank you. I built this off my SOP for my master's program, so I was afraid it might read too inexperienced. I'm editing like a crazy person now. :)

[tisiphone]

I know what you mean. Just remember that a master's a phd are pretty different. A PhD is more like a junior job than moar school, so you want to focus a lot more on research and originality and less on the coursework aspect.

[xdawnfirex]

Is this better? http://pastebin.com/6bfgUVdz