Please Help Me With My Pedantic and Longwinded Statement of Purpose

[tonights]

You heard me. I'm despairing over this thing. It seems really long, not concise and overly rambly. And after reading it 8 million times I have lost all capacity to judge it accurately. (I have NO idea how I am supposed to condense this to 500 words for Rutgers, additionally

Comments

[aeolian_harp]

First of all, you could cut out a lot of the negative statements that don't really support your case. Instead of saying your undergrad's department was seriously unbalanced, you could simply state something like "X university is the perfect place at which to study nutritional anthropology from a four-field angle to enhance my cultural and linguistic anthropological background" and leave it at that.

You could definitely cut out the entire "I feel that I am" paragraph and the paragraph following it. It doesn't matter what your on-screen reading capability is. If you are applying to grad school you should be capable of doing all this regardless of how you quantify your ability.

[tonights]

Well, most of the (useless) guides to writing these things said that I should explain things like extreme GPA changes, and I had one of those when I transferred, so I felt like I ought to stick that in somewhere. You're totally right about the negative statements, though. Maybe I will make that paragraph my "specific" paragraph about the departments I'm applying to, instead. Thank you!!!

[tisiphone]

Could I make a systemic suggestion? Try rewriting the entire thing like you were going to read it to a ten year old. For example, rewrite "Continuing my education by pursuing a graduate degree in anthropology is a vital aspect to my lifelong path of learning" to "I've always wanted to be an anthropologist." Then rebuild the entire essay from there, only slightly increasing the complexity of the language. You'll be able to better see how it fits together, how it actually sounds when stripped of the excess verbiage, etc.

[kello24841]

I think this is a great idea, as it also helps you better see what is completely unnecessary, like "I've always wanted to be an anthropologist." Try to say only things that other applicants can't say!

[rohaa]

I'd agree with ladykathryn in making your language less complex. Your reviewing profs are busy people, and if they have to wade through a prospective grad student trying to sound Awesome, they tend to get frustrated and just skim your letter. You use much too big words, which decreases the flow of your letter and its transparency

[tonights]

It was extremely helpful. Especially the tip to try to keep the language simple. I hope you'll take a quick look at it once I get done shuffling it all around. If you think I ought to scratch the "I want to be a professor when I grow up" part, how do you suggest ending it? That's another major place I've been stymied.

[rohaa]

Yay, I'm useful :)

What I usually do in a last paragraph is say how I hope I have shown them that I am a [find relevant synonyms of awesome here] student and how I would fit in their department and add something of value to it, and maybe suck up a little and mention how awesome and great their group is and how much you would love to be part of it blabla (I've found it's important to say things like "like" and "love" and "enthusiastic" rather than just focussing on how qualified you are. Motivation is key).

Would be happy to proof your end result, feel free to mail me at rohaa underscore at hotmail dot com

[adequaticus]

"I've found ppl at a grad level really don't seem to care at all for grades"

This is a ridiculous statement. Grades are not what will you get you in, obviously, but they are a sign of competence and work ethic. Undergraduate work should be not-so challenging for those hoping to earn a PhD, and grades are an indication of that. Low undergrad GPA's are huge red flags to adcoms.

[teaganc]

Saying bad things about the place where you got your degree reflects poorly on you as a product of that institution. No matter how much you hated it, grit your teeth and portray it very positively.

Also, they probably won't pay a lot of attention to your GPA from your first college--it was in a different major, and you transferred out and did well. I wouldn't even mention that.

"I felt that sleeping in bear-infested woods with nothing but a nylon trapezoid protecting me"

Is this supposed to be funny? It is a negative portrayal of an event you are trying to talk up, and not professionally worded.

In short:

I would cut: 2nd paragraph, 4th paragraph, the part where you talk about reading comprehension (?), all negative sentiments.

I would condense: everything else.

I would add: more about your future plans, more about the graduate-level courses you took. I would also reorganize the entire SOP so that it flows better instead of jumping around so much.

[tonights]

Excellent, you are right about emphasizing the graduate work I have already done. I will do that. I'm also working on getting rid of all the negativity about my undergrad department. So you don't think it's important to even mention my early, poor GPA? I'm afraid they might think I'm trying to gloss over it if I don't address it.

[rohaa]

If they're really worried about the early GPA and they like you enough that they want to invite you for an interview, I'm sure they'll ask :)

[tonights]

They timed me with some sort of software at a temp agency once. I read a section of text and then answered questions about it, which measured my speed as well as retention (as a lot of people who read really fast have poor retention). I know there might be online samples of this software that you can play with to get ideas of how fast you are.

I actually toned down mine for this because if I put in 1000wpm I thought they would think it was bullshit. I'm not sure if I should put it in at all now, I just don't know how to fit it in correctly - but it's really something that contributes to my value as a student, so I'm fretting.

I hate my first paragraph as well but heck if I know what to do with it, to be honest.

[tonights]

Hooray, another freakish speedreader. XD At least grad school will let me put it to use - assuming anyone lets me in, of course.

You know what, my WPM IS on my CV already. I might just stick with sending along a copy of that and in the SOP, just leaving in the little bit about how my professor described reading as my superpower.

I feel so afraid that I'm going to leave stuff out - like the explanation of my GPA before I got into anthropology - and the adcoms are going to think that I'm trying to push it aside. I had no idea writing this sonovabitch was going to be so scary. I'm trying to compose an epiphany paragraph now.