We used to wait. (Chapter 16/?)
title: We used to wait. (Chapter 16/?)
author:
apodixis
spoilers: Through all seasons, though this takes place in an AU starting at the very end of season 2.
pairings: kara/lee, kara/sam
overall fic rating: R/NC-17
word count: 4,058
notes: See http://apodixis.livejournal.com/685.html for more information.
summary: If God isn't leading the fleet to Earth, can they ever find it?
LJ forced me to chop this into 2 chapters, so please make sure you read both 15 & 16!
Kara tucked herself away at a table in the back of the rec room, desperately wanting to avoid everyone else. She had contemplated seeking the comfort of her billet or office, but had a feeling Lee would check both of those places for her first. More than she wanted to avoid the eyes of her fellow pilots and crew, she really needed to avoid another confrontation with Lee. His words stirred in her head even now. Maybe she had overreacted. She tried to convince herself of that notion, but the hurt in her chest still felt awfully strong for her to really believe it. After she cooled down further she might be able to, but at that moment in time, she was content to immerse herself in all the rest.
Footsteps approached and she kept her eyes shut until the sound of a chair being dragged across the floor was added into the mix. Just what she frakking needed.
“You okay, Kara?” Sam’s voice joined in and by the volume of it, she could tell he hadn’t taken either of the seats directly beside her. That was probably for the best.
“You know me.” Her eyes opened as her words finished, hoping they didn’t give her away to the man she used to call husband. Since Kara had given him the answer to his proposal, the two of them had done their honest best at avoiding one another. She saw him at pilots briefings and even on the deck, but other than that, they had been strangers to one another. It pained her treat Sam that way, but she knew even she didn’t deserve to have both Lee and Sam in some manner. If he wanted the space, she would gladly give it to him.
“Yeah, I do, which is why I don’t think you are.” A lopsided grin was worn as he looked to her. Though she hadn’t seen him outside of their duties, he had seen her, specifically that night in Joe’s Bar when she and Apollo had been nestled together behind the piano. His betrayal at the image of them together had been quickly overcome by the appearance of the other four people who seemed to be just as entranced as he was. Despite the mutual pull they all felt, however, nothing had changed among them. During his free hours, Sam had spent an inordinate amount of time trying to question both Galen and Tory, reading them to see if they gave anything away. Although he knew they could have been pretending not to have a clue, there hadn’t been a single hint that either of them knew the significance of that night in the bar. There had been no switches flipped that evening, but that didn’t stop Sam from wondering if there ever would be.
“I heard about what happened today, Kara, out on CAP.”
“Gods, does the entire frakking fleet know? Even I frak up sometimes,” Kara said as she crossed her arms over her chest.
“We all worry about each other, that’s all it is.”
“Yeah.” Abruptly, she stood from her seat and made motion to leave. “I’ve got somewhere I need to be.”
“Wait-I meant to tell you, I got word today that the marriage was dissolved. You know, officially,” he thought she would have been pleased to hear it, which was the only reason he offered the information.
It had the opposite effect on her, though. She had signed all the papers when presented with them by Sam weeks before, but hadn’t let her thoughts wander to it. Out of sight, out of mind. Now, after just frakking and fighting with Lee, another testament to her personal failures was brought to the forefront. Kara felt the stirring of nausea start in her stomach and her throat. “Great, thanks for taking care of it, Sammy.” With that, she continued on her way out.
-
“Starbuck?”
Adama and Roslin walked side by side down the halls of Galactica, headed for his cabin, when the pilot had passed by. Though he wanted to discuss the earlier events of the day with her, he hadn’t been able to find the time, nor able to find her, to talk about the issues at hand. Kara’s speed slowed and she eventually turned around, head nodded in a demure greeting to the both of them.
“Admiral, Madame President.”
“We were just about to have dinner in the Admiral’s quarters, perhaps you’d like to join us?” Laura’s eyebrows rose to the other woman as she spoke. “Maybe bring Captain Apollo with you?”
Their eyes met and Kara could see that the woman that had also been something of a replacement mother figure for her understood more than she let on. Her choice of words were absolutely deliberate, as was the manner in which she chose to deliver them.
“I wish I could, but I have CAP again in an hour. Maybe Apollo can join you.” Kara didn’t bite on what Roslin was fishing for.
“Tomorrow, then,” Adama finally interjected into the conversation between the females. “We haven’t had a big dinner like that in ages. Remember when you used to come over from the Pegasus twice a week?”
The memory brought a smile to Kara’s face. “Still surprises me that you can cook.” Back then, they had been eating food not based on algae and she’d found a ravenous desire in her evening meals. Truth was that anything the Admiral cooked would have been better than food from the mess hall that was mass produced and barely lukewarm by the time she got to it.
Adama reached out his hand to rest against her upper arm, squeezing it reassuringly. “Are you all right to fly, Kara?” He stepped away from Roslin just a hair, hoping to create a sense of privacy and intimacy between the father and daughter pair they made.
His concern touched her and though she looked away for a moment, she nodded when their eyes caught again. It was hard to look into his eyes when all she saw there was Lee. “Yes, sir.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow for dinner then, that’s an order.” He stepped back, letting the space fill between them once more. “Bring my son around if you can, I haven’t seen much of him lately.” His head turned to Roslin and they shared a knowing look that was not missed by Kara.
Her cheeks warmed as she felt the rush of blood to them and she hoped to the Gods it wasn’t as visible as it felt. Though she couldn’t be sure what the Admiral meant or thought, there had been something in that look that told her everything. Maybe she and Lee hadn’t been as careful as they thought they had or maybe Adama just knew his two children incredibly well.
“I’ll try,” she answered quietly.
"What do you hear, Starbuck?" Adama asked.
"Nothing but the rain." She nodded to both of them again and turned to head back to her bunk.
-
Hours after the fight, Lee finally put himself back together and abandoned the rack. After Kara and the other pilots had left, he’d sat on the edge of her bunk, going over every detail of just what had happened between the two of them. Things had been going so well, he inwardly cursed himself for being so foolish to think that things could continue that way forever between him and Kara. He promised her they would be happy and he had been good on his word, at least up until now. When his privacy had finally been ended again, this time by Showboat looking desperately in need of sleep, Lee forced himself up and began to pick up the mess he and Kara had created together. He gathered all the photos that were scattered over her bed, taking the time to study each one as he created the small stack and slipped them back into her cigar box. Though he wasn’t sure of the exact spot that box belonged, he replaced it in her locker and shut the door, knowing Kara wouldn’t want her personal belongings to be left lying around as they had been in the heat of the moment.
He kept busy during the hours of the afternoon, turning to the CAG’s office, hoping to find here there on a slim chance. She wasn’t there, as he expected, but he chose to stay anyway, starting on the layers of paperwork that cluttered her desk. Even though it wasn’t his position, he had never fully given back all the duties to her since she made her recovery from her injuries. It wasn’t that he was trying to keep her from returning to all her glory, but more that it was a way to help her and be beside her at the same time. Even if she wasn’t there all the time, perhaps flying out on CAP or training a couple of the new nuggets, Lee would return to that desk and finish off what he could. Later, she would see his script over the pages and he liked to imagine her smiling as she realized what he’d done for her in silence.
With a glance to the clock on the wall, Lee cursed to himself and pushed the series of papers together, quickly moving to abandon the work he was currently in the middle of. His feet pounded down the halls on his return trip to the senior pilots’ room, hoping to catch Kara there. Luck was on his side, because when he pulled the heavy door open, he caught sight of her familiar backside tugging her legs through the thick material of her flight suit. She turned her head at the sound, long braid whipping over her shoulder. Lee knew she saw him, but still she said nothing, instead proceeding on her familiar routine of getting dressed to be shot out into space.
“I’m sorry,” he offered in peace to her as he approached, shutting the door behind him to secure them both in the empty room. “I know what I said before, but it wasn’t meant how you took it. I’ve just…” He had been trying to form the proper words for hours before and still nothing came out right.
“I don’t want to hear it. I’ve got CAP and you need to get some sleep before yours later on.” Her movements didn’t stop once as they both spoke, zipping up her flight suit to the throat.
“You’re really going out there again, after everything that happened this morning?”
“I’m the CAG, I can’t back out when we’re all already worn this thin, Lee.” There was some reluctance in her voice, but she tried not to let it show, especially not to him.
“Someone else can-”
“No!” She cut through his tirade, hands equally slicing through the air between them to emphasize her point. “I’ve got to go out there and I have to go see that mandala again. The Gods brought me here for a reason. I can’t let it go.” Kara spoke with conviction to her words, and even Lee, who was a proud atheist, had a hard time not believing in what she said.
“The Gods don’t exist, Kara! We’re out here on our own. Don’t go out on a suicide mission looking for something that isn’t there.”
Her gloved hand reacted without a second’s hesitation, letting the open palm slap against the expanse of his cheek. “Don’t belittle what I believe just because you don’t believe in anything!”
The slap stung him, but he didn’t let it stop him any. “You want me to believe in something? Fine! I believe in you. You’re the Gods damned strongest person I’ve ever met, Kara. Don’t let Leoben manipulate you into this.”
Kara had heard enough and halfway through his final set of words, she already began moving towards the hatch. Lee let her go, not because he had given up on her, but to pull his own flight suit out of his locker. He stripped down with the kind of speed he only had when the claxons were sounding and the ship was set to condition one. With his flight suit half on, he jogged the same path he knew she would have taken down to the hangar deck.
-
She was already in her Viper by time Lee got there, being loaded into her tube to await her signal from CIC. The current CAP was on their return trip in and it would be only minutes before they landed and were replaced by the fresh batch of ships. Lee’s vision swam as he looked around the deck, catching sight of Duck and the helmet tucked under his arm as he stood beside his ship, going over a last minute final checklist.
“Duck!” Apollo called out and ran towards him, his own helmet at hand. The other man’s gaze found his, looking both alarmed and confused.
“What’s up, Captain?”
“I know Kara put you on this shift, but I need to go in your place.”
Duck’s brow furrowed. There would be hell to pay for not only defying the CAG, but also sending confusion up to the CIC when the incorrect pilot was heard over the comm. He was about to deny Apollo, when he looked to the other open launch tube, a dawn of realization hitting him. His partner for the upcoming CAP was Starbuck and after the way he’d caught the two of them fighting, Duck understood the request Apollo was making. The rest of the pilots had begun to have their suspicions once again about Lee and Kara once word got around that Starbuck’s marriage was going to be dissolved, but there had never been any solid evidence or proof.
Duck hadn’t been one to think about it, especially not since New Caprica had so irreversibly changed him, but when confronted with the sight of Starbuck and Apollo earlier in the day, barely dressed and her rack a mess, he knew the inkling to be true. They were together and had been for some time. Not only that, but there was something wrong with Kara, something that would drive Apollo to outright ask for the favor and all but confess to the nature of his relationship with her. Duck thought of Nora and everything he would have done to save her, had he the chance once more. He would have broken every regulation to save her from the death she’d fallen to on that planet. With a nod of his head, he spoke. “All right, but the Chief isn’t going to let you pull your ship without the switch in writing, so you’ll have to settle for mine.”
Lee nodded and went to move to climb up the ladder, stopping at the top step as he looked down at the other man. “Thank you.” With that, he sat down in the Viper, pulling the metal collar on and then his helmet, checking to make sure it was secure. Duck helped shut the canopy then pulled the ladder away from the ship and moved out of immediate sight. When the nearby crew member saw the cockpit ready to go, she motioned to another for the ship to be pulled in to the appropriate tube. Duck said a silent prayer that all would work out in the end. It would be worth the risk of a few nights in hack.
Inside the Viper Mark II, Lee closed his eyes, hoping the ruse wouldn’t be exposed by whomever was in charge of personally sending him on out. He was careful to keep his helmet aimed slightly away from the viewing room to his right, listening to the talk over the wireless. It was Dee on the other end. He heard Starbuck make a comment over it and though others might have been clueless to it, Lee heard the strain and anxiety in her voice.
“CAP cleared for launch,” Dee said.
A slow countdown started in his head as his hand gripped around the stick, feeling the comforting thrum of the Viper around him. With the sudden increase in G force, his Viper, or Duck’s Viper as it truly was, was off and away, shot out the side of Galactica’s ship. The clouds were soon visible, just as they had been each and every time he circled around the gaseous planet below. He could see Starbuck’s ship ahead of him and that alone brought him relief. She was here, she was close, and he could protect her.
He was thankful for her radio silence, but it was so unlike her that it also startled him. CAPs with Kara had always been the least painful, based on how much she liked to talk and tease everyone else. When all you did was fly in a glorified circle around a series of ships, anything that broke up the monotony was welcomed. Lee was careful to continue flying slightly behind at her side, allowing her to lead the way and also not simply glance over to see his unexpected face where she should have seen the other man’s. The further out they got, the more reassured he became. She was flying textbook now and nothing said otherwise. That was, until, he heard her flip over to the private channel between their Vipers, intentionally blocking out the CIC.
“Duck, I’m just going to fly ahead a little off course. I’ll be back, I’m tracking you on my screen.”
That move was against every regulation in the book. You didn’t leave your wingman alone. Did she really think Duck would have allowed her to abandon him, especially after what happened on her prior trip out? Before he could even respond, he saw the lights of her engines burn even brighter before her ship accelerated off, pulling away from him.
“Frak!” He yelled to himself in the ship, trying to take off after her with the same amount of speed. Though he had flown in Mark IIs heavily over the last few years, he had grown too accustomed to his own Mark VII and all the slight differences. It was just enough to let her get ahead of him and out of sight. The jig was up, as far as he was concerned, and he flipped his comm line on to the main channel. “This is Apollo, Starbuck’s pulled away from me, I’ve got no visual. Repeat, no visual.”
“Apollo, Actual, what are you doing out there?” His father’s voice was angry. “That isn’t your ship!”
“I couldn’t let her go out again without me, Dad.” He had no time for protocol or call signs as his ship tore through the clouds in an attempt to follow Kara wherever the hell she was headed.
“Starbuck? Where the frak are you?” Lee yelled into his microphone, hoping she would still be able to read him.
Kara was so focused on finding that mandala again that she ignored the first few exchanges over the wireless coming into her ear. All she knew, she needed to get back there. She needed to find some kind of understanding for why she had been brought here and why the swirling image had been with her for her entire life.
“Starbuck!”
She swore she heard Lee’s voice and it wasn’t until she came out of the clouds and over that same spinning mandala made of gas that she actually realized it was in fact his voice.
“Apollo?”
“Kara! Gods, Kara! Where the frak are you? You keep blinking on and off of DRADIS.”
She was confused as he spoke. “What do you mean? Are you in CIC?”
“I took Duck’s ship.” Lee confessed and part of him felt ashamed for not trusting her.
“Why the frak would you do that?”
“I need you to come back.”
Adama’s voice cut through their conversation that had been broadcast to the entire chamber of CIC. “Starbuck, you’re approaching the hard deck again, if you don’t pull up soon, you won’t ever be able to. This is an order, come on home.” He looked over the sea of faces in the room, every single one torn with worry just as they had the last time Kara flew out and encountered a similar scenario. It was worse now, though, that much they knew.
She heard the Old Man’s voice tangled with Lee’s, but was unable to take her eyes off of what was below her. There was something there and she had to know what it meant.
“I’ve got visual. Kara, I’m coming to get you.” Lee pushed the ship to its absolute limit, diving down towards her as he felt the increase of pressure in on him.
“Lee,” she said from her own Viper. “I’ve come all this way, I have to know what it means.”
“No, no. Remember what I said? I believe in you, so I need you to come back, okay? Just pull up while you still can.” Tears clouded his vision as he watched her ship from how far off it was, unable to make his own go any faster to catch up to her. As the seconds ticked by, he could feel her physically slipping through his fingers.
Kara closed her eyes and all she saw swimming in the darkness was every single time she’d drawn that mandala, the carvings of it in the temple, and now the largest manifestation of it as her ship careened towards it. “I’m sorry about before, Lee, about the things I said.” In those moments, she surrendered to everything inside of her that had always wanted to come out. There was no anger, no rage, no abandonment. Nothing else was clouded over and everything made sense.
“I don’t care about it, Kara. Please, Gods, please, come back.”
Lee’s begging was blared over the wireless and every body in the CIC stood achingly still, not able to understand just what had happened to push Starbuck so far. They were also witness to an incredibly intimate moment between the two pilots, and even Tigh felt uncomfortable at having a front row seat to whatever Kara was going through and the confession of just what kind of relationship Lee and Kara had recently been sharing.
“Starbuck! Pull. Up.” Adama ordered it into his handset. “Apollo, you bring her back!”
Far away, Lee ignored any and all incoming messages from Galactica.
“I love you, Lee. I just have to go. I need to know what it means. There’s something there.”
“You’ll die! There isn’t anything waiting for you!” His anger gave way to complete grief, tears flowing down his cheeks as he choked out his words. “I love you. Please. What about Earth? Who am I supposed be with when we get there?” All he heard in his ears was the quiet suggestion she’d made about the children they’d have when their lives had settled down. About the life they would finally be able to share.
“I’ll see you there.” Kara’s words barely made it through.
In front of him, Lee saw pieces of her ship begin to be forced apart by the very pressure around her. It was like a dream, a horrible, horrible dream. Time slowed down as he watched her very ship get torn to pieces. He looked for her seat ejecting, but there was nothing there, and only a moment later did he see the sparks of an explosion. He screamed into his helmet as it happened, determined to follow her into it. Only the sound of his father’s voice on the comm ordering him to pull up just as he had fruitlessly told Kara to earlier, prevented him from meeting his end along with the woman he loved. Later, he knew he would regret being the coward and not following her in.
“Apollo, we’re sending out SAR to find her. She ejected.”
His ship leveled out and though he had been ordered to return home, all he could do was circle around the mandala from a safer distance. This is where he saw Kara disappear and he couldn’t quite bring himself to leave her just yet. They almost left her on that moon, he didn’t want to leave her yet again.
“She’s gone. Her ship’s in pieces. No chute.” He didn’t even recognize his own voice as he spoke.
author:
apodixis
spoilers: Through all seasons, though this takes place in an AU starting at the very end of season 2.
pairings: kara/lee, kara/sam
overall fic rating: R/NC-17
word count: 4,058
notes: See http://apodixis.livejournal.com/685.html for more information.
summary: If God isn't leading the fleet to Earth, can they ever find it?
LJ forced me to chop this into 2 chapters, so please make sure you read both 15 & 16!
Kara tucked herself away at a table in the back of the rec room, desperately wanting to avoid everyone else. She had contemplated seeking the comfort of her billet or office, but had a feeling Lee would check both of those places for her first. More than she wanted to avoid the eyes of her fellow pilots and crew, she really needed to avoid another confrontation with Lee. His words stirred in her head even now. Maybe she had overreacted. She tried to convince herself of that notion, but the hurt in her chest still felt awfully strong for her to really believe it. After she cooled down further she might be able to, but at that moment in time, she was content to immerse herself in all the rest.
Footsteps approached and she kept her eyes shut until the sound of a chair being dragged across the floor was added into the mix. Just what she frakking needed.
“You okay, Kara?” Sam’s voice joined in and by the volume of it, she could tell he hadn’t taken either of the seats directly beside her. That was probably for the best.
“You know me.” Her eyes opened as her words finished, hoping they didn’t give her away to the man she used to call husband. Since Kara had given him the answer to his proposal, the two of them had done their honest best at avoiding one another. She saw him at pilots briefings and even on the deck, but other than that, they had been strangers to one another. It pained her treat Sam that way, but she knew even she didn’t deserve to have both Lee and Sam in some manner. If he wanted the space, she would gladly give it to him.
“Yeah, I do, which is why I don’t think you are.” A lopsided grin was worn as he looked to her. Though she hadn’t seen him outside of their duties, he had seen her, specifically that night in Joe’s Bar when she and Apollo had been nestled together behind the piano. His betrayal at the image of them together had been quickly overcome by the appearance of the other four people who seemed to be just as entranced as he was. Despite the mutual pull they all felt, however, nothing had changed among them. During his free hours, Sam had spent an inordinate amount of time trying to question both Galen and Tory, reading them to see if they gave anything away. Although he knew they could have been pretending not to have a clue, there hadn’t been a single hint that either of them knew the significance of that night in the bar. There had been no switches flipped that evening, but that didn’t stop Sam from wondering if there ever would be.
“I heard about what happened today, Kara, out on CAP.”
“Gods, does the entire frakking fleet know? Even I frak up sometimes,” Kara said as she crossed her arms over her chest.
“We all worry about each other, that’s all it is.”
“Yeah.” Abruptly, she stood from her seat and made motion to leave. “I’ve got somewhere I need to be.”
“Wait-I meant to tell you, I got word today that the marriage was dissolved. You know, officially,” he thought she would have been pleased to hear it, which was the only reason he offered the information.
It had the opposite effect on her, though. She had signed all the papers when presented with them by Sam weeks before, but hadn’t let her thoughts wander to it. Out of sight, out of mind. Now, after just frakking and fighting with Lee, another testament to her personal failures was brought to the forefront. Kara felt the stirring of nausea start in her stomach and her throat. “Great, thanks for taking care of it, Sammy.” With that, she continued on her way out.
-
“Starbuck?”
Adama and Roslin walked side by side down the halls of Galactica, headed for his cabin, when the pilot had passed by. Though he wanted to discuss the earlier events of the day with her, he hadn’t been able to find the time, nor able to find her, to talk about the issues at hand. Kara’s speed slowed and she eventually turned around, head nodded in a demure greeting to the both of them.
“Admiral, Madame President.”
“We were just about to have dinner in the Admiral’s quarters, perhaps you’d like to join us?” Laura’s eyebrows rose to the other woman as she spoke. “Maybe bring Captain Apollo with you?”
Their eyes met and Kara could see that the woman that had also been something of a replacement mother figure for her understood more than she let on. Her choice of words were absolutely deliberate, as was the manner in which she chose to deliver them.
“I wish I could, but I have CAP again in an hour. Maybe Apollo can join you.” Kara didn’t bite on what Roslin was fishing for.
“Tomorrow, then,” Adama finally interjected into the conversation between the females. “We haven’t had a big dinner like that in ages. Remember when you used to come over from the Pegasus twice a week?”
The memory brought a smile to Kara’s face. “Still surprises me that you can cook.” Back then, they had been eating food not based on algae and she’d found a ravenous desire in her evening meals. Truth was that anything the Admiral cooked would have been better than food from the mess hall that was mass produced and barely lukewarm by the time she got to it.
Adama reached out his hand to rest against her upper arm, squeezing it reassuringly. “Are you all right to fly, Kara?” He stepped away from Roslin just a hair, hoping to create a sense of privacy and intimacy between the father and daughter pair they made.
His concern touched her and though she looked away for a moment, she nodded when their eyes caught again. It was hard to look into his eyes when all she saw there was Lee. “Yes, sir.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow for dinner then, that’s an order.” He stepped back, letting the space fill between them once more. “Bring my son around if you can, I haven’t seen much of him lately.” His head turned to Roslin and they shared a knowing look that was not missed by Kara.
Her cheeks warmed as she felt the rush of blood to them and she hoped to the Gods it wasn’t as visible as it felt. Though she couldn’t be sure what the Admiral meant or thought, there had been something in that look that told her everything. Maybe she and Lee hadn’t been as careful as they thought they had or maybe Adama just knew his two children incredibly well.
“I’ll try,” she answered quietly.
"What do you hear, Starbuck?" Adama asked.
"Nothing but the rain." She nodded to both of them again and turned to head back to her bunk.
-
Hours after the fight, Lee finally put himself back together and abandoned the rack. After Kara and the other pilots had left, he’d sat on the edge of her bunk, going over every detail of just what had happened between the two of them. Things had been going so well, he inwardly cursed himself for being so foolish to think that things could continue that way forever between him and Kara. He promised her they would be happy and he had been good on his word, at least up until now. When his privacy had finally been ended again, this time by Showboat looking desperately in need of sleep, Lee forced himself up and began to pick up the mess he and Kara had created together. He gathered all the photos that were scattered over her bed, taking the time to study each one as he created the small stack and slipped them back into her cigar box. Though he wasn’t sure of the exact spot that box belonged, he replaced it in her locker and shut the door, knowing Kara wouldn’t want her personal belongings to be left lying around as they had been in the heat of the moment.
He kept busy during the hours of the afternoon, turning to the CAG’s office, hoping to find here there on a slim chance. She wasn’t there, as he expected, but he chose to stay anyway, starting on the layers of paperwork that cluttered her desk. Even though it wasn’t his position, he had never fully given back all the duties to her since she made her recovery from her injuries. It wasn’t that he was trying to keep her from returning to all her glory, but more that it was a way to help her and be beside her at the same time. Even if she wasn’t there all the time, perhaps flying out on CAP or training a couple of the new nuggets, Lee would return to that desk and finish off what he could. Later, she would see his script over the pages and he liked to imagine her smiling as she realized what he’d done for her in silence.
With a glance to the clock on the wall, Lee cursed to himself and pushed the series of papers together, quickly moving to abandon the work he was currently in the middle of. His feet pounded down the halls on his return trip to the senior pilots’ room, hoping to catch Kara there. Luck was on his side, because when he pulled the heavy door open, he caught sight of her familiar backside tugging her legs through the thick material of her flight suit. She turned her head at the sound, long braid whipping over her shoulder. Lee knew she saw him, but still she said nothing, instead proceeding on her familiar routine of getting dressed to be shot out into space.
“I’m sorry,” he offered in peace to her as he approached, shutting the door behind him to secure them both in the empty room. “I know what I said before, but it wasn’t meant how you took it. I’ve just…” He had been trying to form the proper words for hours before and still nothing came out right.
“I don’t want to hear it. I’ve got CAP and you need to get some sleep before yours later on.” Her movements didn’t stop once as they both spoke, zipping up her flight suit to the throat.
“You’re really going out there again, after everything that happened this morning?”
“I’m the CAG, I can’t back out when we’re all already worn this thin, Lee.” There was some reluctance in her voice, but she tried not to let it show, especially not to him.
“Someone else can-”
“No!” She cut through his tirade, hands equally slicing through the air between them to emphasize her point. “I’ve got to go out there and I have to go see that mandala again. The Gods brought me here for a reason. I can’t let it go.” Kara spoke with conviction to her words, and even Lee, who was a proud atheist, had a hard time not believing in what she said.
“The Gods don’t exist, Kara! We’re out here on our own. Don’t go out on a suicide mission looking for something that isn’t there.”
Her gloved hand reacted without a second’s hesitation, letting the open palm slap against the expanse of his cheek. “Don’t belittle what I believe just because you don’t believe in anything!”
The slap stung him, but he didn’t let it stop him any. “You want me to believe in something? Fine! I believe in you. You’re the Gods damned strongest person I’ve ever met, Kara. Don’t let Leoben manipulate you into this.”
Kara had heard enough and halfway through his final set of words, she already began moving towards the hatch. Lee let her go, not because he had given up on her, but to pull his own flight suit out of his locker. He stripped down with the kind of speed he only had when the claxons were sounding and the ship was set to condition one. With his flight suit half on, he jogged the same path he knew she would have taken down to the hangar deck.
-
She was already in her Viper by time Lee got there, being loaded into her tube to await her signal from CIC. The current CAP was on their return trip in and it would be only minutes before they landed and were replaced by the fresh batch of ships. Lee’s vision swam as he looked around the deck, catching sight of Duck and the helmet tucked under his arm as he stood beside his ship, going over a last minute final checklist.
“Duck!” Apollo called out and ran towards him, his own helmet at hand. The other man’s gaze found his, looking both alarmed and confused.
“What’s up, Captain?”
“I know Kara put you on this shift, but I need to go in your place.”
Duck’s brow furrowed. There would be hell to pay for not only defying the CAG, but also sending confusion up to the CIC when the incorrect pilot was heard over the comm. He was about to deny Apollo, when he looked to the other open launch tube, a dawn of realization hitting him. His partner for the upcoming CAP was Starbuck and after the way he’d caught the two of them fighting, Duck understood the request Apollo was making. The rest of the pilots had begun to have their suspicions once again about Lee and Kara once word got around that Starbuck’s marriage was going to be dissolved, but there had never been any solid evidence or proof.
Duck hadn’t been one to think about it, especially not since New Caprica had so irreversibly changed him, but when confronted with the sight of Starbuck and Apollo earlier in the day, barely dressed and her rack a mess, he knew the inkling to be true. They were together and had been for some time. Not only that, but there was something wrong with Kara, something that would drive Apollo to outright ask for the favor and all but confess to the nature of his relationship with her. Duck thought of Nora and everything he would have done to save her, had he the chance once more. He would have broken every regulation to save her from the death she’d fallen to on that planet. With a nod of his head, he spoke. “All right, but the Chief isn’t going to let you pull your ship without the switch in writing, so you’ll have to settle for mine.”
Lee nodded and went to move to climb up the ladder, stopping at the top step as he looked down at the other man. “Thank you.” With that, he sat down in the Viper, pulling the metal collar on and then his helmet, checking to make sure it was secure. Duck helped shut the canopy then pulled the ladder away from the ship and moved out of immediate sight. When the nearby crew member saw the cockpit ready to go, she motioned to another for the ship to be pulled in to the appropriate tube. Duck said a silent prayer that all would work out in the end. It would be worth the risk of a few nights in hack.
Inside the Viper Mark II, Lee closed his eyes, hoping the ruse wouldn’t be exposed by whomever was in charge of personally sending him on out. He was careful to keep his helmet aimed slightly away from the viewing room to his right, listening to the talk over the wireless. It was Dee on the other end. He heard Starbuck make a comment over it and though others might have been clueless to it, Lee heard the strain and anxiety in her voice.
“CAP cleared for launch,” Dee said.
A slow countdown started in his head as his hand gripped around the stick, feeling the comforting thrum of the Viper around him. With the sudden increase in G force, his Viper, or Duck’s Viper as it truly was, was off and away, shot out the side of Galactica’s ship. The clouds were soon visible, just as they had been each and every time he circled around the gaseous planet below. He could see Starbuck’s ship ahead of him and that alone brought him relief. She was here, she was close, and he could protect her.
He was thankful for her radio silence, but it was so unlike her that it also startled him. CAPs with Kara had always been the least painful, based on how much she liked to talk and tease everyone else. When all you did was fly in a glorified circle around a series of ships, anything that broke up the monotony was welcomed. Lee was careful to continue flying slightly behind at her side, allowing her to lead the way and also not simply glance over to see his unexpected face where she should have seen the other man’s. The further out they got, the more reassured he became. She was flying textbook now and nothing said otherwise. That was, until, he heard her flip over to the private channel between their Vipers, intentionally blocking out the CIC.
“Duck, I’m just going to fly ahead a little off course. I’ll be back, I’m tracking you on my screen.”
That move was against every regulation in the book. You didn’t leave your wingman alone. Did she really think Duck would have allowed her to abandon him, especially after what happened on her prior trip out? Before he could even respond, he saw the lights of her engines burn even brighter before her ship accelerated off, pulling away from him.
“Frak!” He yelled to himself in the ship, trying to take off after her with the same amount of speed. Though he had flown in Mark IIs heavily over the last few years, he had grown too accustomed to his own Mark VII and all the slight differences. It was just enough to let her get ahead of him and out of sight. The jig was up, as far as he was concerned, and he flipped his comm line on to the main channel. “This is Apollo, Starbuck’s pulled away from me, I’ve got no visual. Repeat, no visual.”
“Apollo, Actual, what are you doing out there?” His father’s voice was angry. “That isn’t your ship!”
“I couldn’t let her go out again without me, Dad.” He had no time for protocol or call signs as his ship tore through the clouds in an attempt to follow Kara wherever the hell she was headed.
“Starbuck? Where the frak are you?” Lee yelled into his microphone, hoping she would still be able to read him.
Kara was so focused on finding that mandala again that she ignored the first few exchanges over the wireless coming into her ear. All she knew, she needed to get back there. She needed to find some kind of understanding for why she had been brought here and why the swirling image had been with her for her entire life.
“Starbuck!”
She swore she heard Lee’s voice and it wasn’t until she came out of the clouds and over that same spinning mandala made of gas that she actually realized it was in fact his voice.
“Apollo?”
“Kara! Gods, Kara! Where the frak are you? You keep blinking on and off of DRADIS.”
She was confused as he spoke. “What do you mean? Are you in CIC?”
“I took Duck’s ship.” Lee confessed and part of him felt ashamed for not trusting her.
“Why the frak would you do that?”
“I need you to come back.”
Adama’s voice cut through their conversation that had been broadcast to the entire chamber of CIC. “Starbuck, you’re approaching the hard deck again, if you don’t pull up soon, you won’t ever be able to. This is an order, come on home.” He looked over the sea of faces in the room, every single one torn with worry just as they had the last time Kara flew out and encountered a similar scenario. It was worse now, though, that much they knew.
She heard the Old Man’s voice tangled with Lee’s, but was unable to take her eyes off of what was below her. There was something there and she had to know what it meant.
“I’ve got visual. Kara, I’m coming to get you.” Lee pushed the ship to its absolute limit, diving down towards her as he felt the increase of pressure in on him.
“Lee,” she said from her own Viper. “I’ve come all this way, I have to know what it means.”
“No, no. Remember what I said? I believe in you, so I need you to come back, okay? Just pull up while you still can.” Tears clouded his vision as he watched her ship from how far off it was, unable to make his own go any faster to catch up to her. As the seconds ticked by, he could feel her physically slipping through his fingers.
Kara closed her eyes and all she saw swimming in the darkness was every single time she’d drawn that mandala, the carvings of it in the temple, and now the largest manifestation of it as her ship careened towards it. “I’m sorry about before, Lee, about the things I said.” In those moments, she surrendered to everything inside of her that had always wanted to come out. There was no anger, no rage, no abandonment. Nothing else was clouded over and everything made sense.
“I don’t care about it, Kara. Please, Gods, please, come back.”
Lee’s begging was blared over the wireless and every body in the CIC stood achingly still, not able to understand just what had happened to push Starbuck so far. They were also witness to an incredibly intimate moment between the two pilots, and even Tigh felt uncomfortable at having a front row seat to whatever Kara was going through and the confession of just what kind of relationship Lee and Kara had recently been sharing.
“Starbuck! Pull. Up.” Adama ordered it into his handset. “Apollo, you bring her back!”
Far away, Lee ignored any and all incoming messages from Galactica.
“I love you, Lee. I just have to go. I need to know what it means. There’s something there.”
“You’ll die! There isn’t anything waiting for you!” His anger gave way to complete grief, tears flowing down his cheeks as he choked out his words. “I love you. Please. What about Earth? Who am I supposed be with when we get there?” All he heard in his ears was the quiet suggestion she’d made about the children they’d have when their lives had settled down. About the life they would finally be able to share.
“I’ll see you there.” Kara’s words barely made it through.
In front of him, Lee saw pieces of her ship begin to be forced apart by the very pressure around her. It was like a dream, a horrible, horrible dream. Time slowed down as he watched her very ship get torn to pieces. He looked for her seat ejecting, but there was nothing there, and only a moment later did he see the sparks of an explosion. He screamed into his helmet as it happened, determined to follow her into it. Only the sound of his father’s voice on the comm ordering him to pull up just as he had fruitlessly told Kara to earlier, prevented him from meeting his end along with the woman he loved. Later, he knew he would regret being the coward and not following her in.
“Apollo, we’re sending out SAR to find her. She ejected.”
His ship leveled out and though he had been ordered to return home, all he could do was circle around the mandala from a safer distance. This is where he saw Kara disappear and he couldn’t quite bring himself to leave her just yet. They almost left her on that moon, he didn’t want to leave her yet again.
“She’s gone. Her ship’s in pieces. No chute.” He didn’t even recognize his own voice as he spoke.