Friend and Foe
Title: Friend and Foe
Author: Anteros
Characters: Horatio Hornblower / Archie Kennedy
Rating: PG
Words: 3800
Notes: The inevitable angsty aftermath of Glorious. This one sprouted a plot that got completely out of hand. I shall try to make sure this doesn't happen again. It's way too long, the characterisation is not what it should be and I so can't punctuate dialogue properly!
I
He was behaving like the worst sort of coward. Weak, disloyal, unmanly, craven; he was all these things and worse.
Since their transfer from Justinian he and Kennedy had been nigh on inseparable, indeed had it not been for his knowledgeable friend he would still be stumbling around the frigate lost. Yet for the last week Horatio had been avoiding Archie like the plague. Although he was the one that carried a pestilence.
Despite their close quarters it had been relatively easy to evade his friend. Though both assigned to the larboard watch division, they rarely shared watches. They messed together of course but the gunroom was always crowded with the other midshipmen and stewards. Horatio had taken to carrying one of his navigational text books with him as a last line of defence, a mathematical shield. On the odd occasion that Kennedy had been able corner him he had muttered something about having to see Lieutenant Bracegirdle about some additional navigational problems.
Problems indeed. If only the laws of men were as simple as the laws of Euclid, Horatio Hornblower would feel a lot more at home in the world. Men. Well one man in particular. That was the problem. No, that equation was back to front. He was the problem.
II
When Horatio was younger he had prided himself on his dignity and chastity, looking down his long nose at the other boys who bragged about kisses stolen from the drapers daughter or whispered about farm girls who would lead them into the barn and let them push fumbling hands into warm bodices and under heavy skirts. Horatio had smugly congratulated himself that he would not be distracted from his studies by such carnal pursuits. Now he envied these boys, and he rued the day he had hurried past the shy parson's daughter on his way home from school or disdained to walk around garden with the squire's niece as his father paid a house call.
Horatio Hornblower's virtue and chastity had been a great source of youthful pride until Jack Simpson had laid him flat out on the gunroom table and called his bluff. It had taken a base scoundrel like Simpson to speak the truth that the upright Mr Hornblower could not face. A fancier of other boys perhaps? The "perhaps" had been unnecessary of course. He knew. Simpson knew. That was certain. And now Horatio knew.
He also knew it was a sin. A sin against man, and God and the Admiralty. Leviticus was quite clear; an abomination. And the Articles of War left no room for doubt; the punishment for the unnatural and detestable sin of buggery and sodomy was death.
III
Horatio's first two months aboard Justinian had passed in a fearful blur, brightened only by a smile like summer. He had been so completely disoriented by life aboard ship, the clamour and stench of hundreds of men and women crowded into that tiny wooden space, that he barely had time to collect his thoughts. And then Jack Simpson had appeared and all his thoughts had been on death; his or Simpson's. But through it all there had been that bright smile and sharp irreverent wit.
For all his bravado though his friend's moods had been as unpredictable as the weather. That smile could vanish as quickly as the sun behind scudding clouds. Indeed Archie himself seemed to vanish at times, sometimes for hours, once or twice for whole days. Horatio had never understood how Archie could disappear so completely on that overcrowded tub. And when he returned he looked....well.... Horatio couldn't say, but it pained him even now to think on the haunted expression clouding his blue eyes.
The trouble had really started when they were transferred to the Indefatigable. Since coming aboard the frigate Archie's spirits had positively soared. Horatio had been shocked by his callous refusal to mourn Clayton's senseless death but eventually the law of Archimedes had prevailed and Archie's buoyant spirits had pulled Horatio up from the depths of guilt and despair.
Once Archie had helped him find his feet Horatio found that the regularity and order of life aboard a well crewed man-of-war was greatly to his liking. Every man knew his place and each fitted together to create a seamless whole. As Horatio grew accustomed to the rhythms of the ship, to watches and lessons, gunnery drills and messing his mind had found some freedom to wander. And wonder it had, straight to Archie Kennedy.
IV
Horatio had never really had a friend of any kind before, and certainly not a gentleman companion. He had dreamed of the day that he and Archie might stride the quarterdeck together, shipmates, comrades, brothers. He had learned so much from his unexpected friend, and not just how to tell a head from a halyard. He had learned how to laugh, to trust and to share. He had learned that he didn't have to be alone. And how had be repaid these incomparable gifts? With unnatural desires and unclean thoughts.
At first he had assured himself that he simply enjoyed his friend's company, enjoyed being around him, enjoyed his presence. But it as more than that, it was so much more than that...
During the day he could focus his considerable presence of mind on the innumerable mundane tasks that were his lot as a midshipman, at night though desire slipped its anchor and he was lost. Lost to laughing blue eyes, strong arms that circled and held him tight, small rough hands that explored and caressed, over and over and down and further and lips that crushed hard against his own, demanding, wanting, taking and then that surge breaking over him, a wave that threatened to crush the air from his lungs and all sense from his head. He would wake gasping, heart pounding, evidence of his lust cooling on his belly and a feeling that was equal parts relief and shame. Just inches from him, the object of his unnatural fancies slept soundly in his hammock. Aboard Justinian Archie's sleep had been troubled with fearful fits and nightmares, now he slept as peacefully as a babe. Horatio had briefly wondered at this transformation but was too absorbed by his own nocturnal travails to give it much thought.
V
Their first shore leave from the frigate had been torture. Horatio's inability to contribute to his shipmates’ tales of debauchery only seemed to underline his detestable lusts. Archie himself had been unusually subdued that evening and when Horatio had caught his eye he had also caught an expression that looked oddly like concern. He had made his excuses as early as he dared and, thank the Lord in heaven, he had been asleep when Archie eventually stumbled up from the bar. The next morning he had woken with a jolt and an uneasy feeling that something had happened the night before, he just couldn't recall what. A dream, surely a dream. Archie was sleeping beside him, soft tawny hair feathering over his brow, a shadow of a smile curving across pink lips. Lips that Horatio longed to touch so desperately that he must surely shatter and fly apart from the effort of resisting. Instead he focused all this attention on the ceiling above his head. He had shot out of bed and dressed hurriedly as soon as Archie had woken but the image of his shipmate lying half naked on the bed with a smile that would have eclipsed the sun would not leave him. He had looked nothing short of glorious.
A week later and he still could not get that image of Archie out of his head and that was when he knew he had to act.
Of course Archie had been confused at first, unable to comprehend Horatio's sudden change of heart. Then he became angry, dropping bitter comments whenever Horatio was in earshot. Finally he subsided into hurt silence. There was something in Archie's complete resignation that pained Horatio indescribably.
It was for the best though. This was the only way, Horatio reasoned, the only proper and honorable course of action. This was his duty.
Why then did it feel like a cowardly betrayal?
VI
They were seated around the long table in the gunroom, slates before them when Lieutenant Bracegirdle entered. "Slates away, gentlemen, today you have a reprieve from navigation. The captain has requested our assistance with the ship's inventory. Mr Hether, Mr Cleveland, to Lieutenant Eccleston." The midshipmen were dispatched in pairs to join the various lieutenants and warrant officers. "Mr Hornblower, Mr Kennedy, with me please, to the forward sail locker." Horatio hurried after Lieutenant Bracegirdle, Archie a step or two behind him. He fancied he could feel his eyes on his back. They reached the sail locker and Horatio's heart sank when Lieutenant Bracegirdle gave them their orders before departing. "I'll have an inventory of these sails if you please, gentlemen. Report to me before by the end of the watch, I'll be with the purser."
As the lieutenant departed Archie pushed past Horatio into the enclosed space and began sorting through the sails. Horatio stood rooted to the spot by the door. Archie looked up but avoided catching his eye. "Look lively, Mr Hornblower, these t'gallants won't count themselves." He smiled, but the smile didn't reach his eyes.
The frigate's sail locker was as orderly as the rest of the ship with royals and topgallants folded and stacked like so many shirts in a gentleman's press. It took little over an hour to sort through the neat piles of canvas. They spoke only to note this sail or that or to double check their inventory. Horatio was stifling in the close confines of the locker and he had a peculiar feeling in the pit of his stomach. At last they were finished, the contents of the locker checked and noted. Archie picked up the ledger and made to leave. Horatio was starting to feel as though he had escaped the gallows but just as Archie reached the door he stopped.
"If I didn't know better Mr Hornblower, I'd wager you've been avoiding me." He turned, the same half smile, the same clouded eyes.
"I assure you Mr Kennedy, I don't know what...."
"Horatio, you could not tell a convincing lie if your life depended on it." Archie gave a soft laugh and shook his head.
"Really Archie, I'm not ....I don't know what....it's just..." Horatio was floundering.
Archie held his eyes with an unwavering gaze and Horatio recognised the same desperation he felt reflected back at him. And other things, other things he dared not name, longing, loneliness, fear, desire. And something else, hope?
"Poor Horatio, so brave and so afraid." Archie smiled again and this time the spark reached his eyes. He reached out one hand and touched Horatio's cheek lightly. His hand was rough and cool. Horatio stopped breathing. A whisper, "Don't be afraid Horatio" and soft warm lips met his own. The warmth spread over his cheeks and down his back while something fluttered madly in his stomach. Archie's tongue flickered momentarily over his lips and fear and desire collided. Warm and wet and this was it, this was it, this was Archie, this was what he wanted, what he wanted so badly. Another maddening flicker of that tongue and Archie pulled back. Horatio's head was spinning and the fluttering in his stomach had turned to a frightful churning. Archie just stood there in front of him, smiling slightly, eyes burning with hope. He licked his lower lip nervously and Horatio hit him.
There was no conscious thought involved, all he was aware of was a desperate overwhelming desire to hurt Archie. To hurt him as badly as he was hurting. To hurt him and to get away. Horatio's fist landed hard on Archie's cheek bone and he felt a sickening crunch and slide. Archie's head snapped back and hit the bulkhead with a dull crack. He stared in wide eyed shock for a moment before sliding to the deck and burying his head in his hands. Horatio fled without a backward glance.
VII
The rest of the day passed in a blur. When Horatio took the first dogwatch his head was still reeling and his stomach threatening to rebel. Archie was nowhere to be seen. Horatio was on his way below at the end of his watch when he heard the staccato roll of drums that signaled general quarters. Suddenly the frigate sprang to life, the whole ships company poured forth like ants, scrambling to their stations. Horatio had survived a number of these drills since joining Pellew's crew. General quarters had been unheard of on Justinian, Keane had never once drilled the crew in the two months Horatio had been aboard. Horatio knew the ropes now but that didn't prevent his heart leaping in his breast as he raced to his station by the larboard fore carronades. Every man knew his place and was in it in minutes. Another roll of the drums and the lieutenants gave the order to fire on their imaginary foe. Despite the lack of returning fire the noise was deafening and Horatio's head was spinning and his ears ringing when they were piped back to stations. Pellew had descended from the quarterdeck and was pacing among his lieutenants discussing the speed and efficacy of the exercise. He stopped by Lieutenant Chadd, who commanded the division of heavier long guns aft of the carronades. Archie's division. Horatio had been aware of Archie's presence throughout the controlled chaos of general quarters. Like some kind of sixth sense he seemed to know exactly were he was amidst the noise and smoke without ever actually looking for him.
"Mister....?" Pellew was addressing Lt Chadd.
"Kennedy, mister midshipman Kennedy, sir." Chadd replied.
"Mister Kennedy!"
Pellew's bark almost made Horatio jump. He cast a quick glace at Archie, the first since he had left him crouched on the floor of the sail locker and to his horror saw he was sporting a dark and very obvious bruise on one side of his face. Horatio felt a cold weight slide from this guts to his boots.
"General quarters, Mr Kennedy. General quarters. We have no enemy in sight yet you alone appear to have been in the wars. You found your own enemy to engage perhaps?"
Archie lifted his chin slightly, keeping his eyes straight forward "Aye captain!"
"Mister Kennedy! I will not have my midshipmen brawling like common tars."
Horatio thought he saw one or two of the common tars smirk.
"Is that clear Mr Kennedy?"
Horatio was sweating despite the cold, his shirt clung to his back and he could feel his hands shaking. Archie didn't flinch.
"Aye sir!"
"Is that clear gentlemen?" Pellew was addressing the entire company now.
"Aye captain sir!" The midshipmen replied to a man.
"You will stand a second watch Mr Kennedy, should your elusive foe reappear. And Mr Kennedy, I trust I will not see such battle scars again unless they are put there by a French man."
"Aye captain!"
"Dismissed!" roared Pellew and a second later the drums beat the retreat and the bell tolled the start of the first watch. The decks cleared quickly with only the watch remaining, Archie among them. The middle watch would be his too.
VIII
Horatio's legs were shaking as he descended the companion to the gunroom. Overwhelmed by guilt his first reaction was to go straight to the captain and confess to being Mr Kennedy's elusive foe. But how could he explain such an uncharacteristic outburst of violence? Archie was right, he was an utterly unconvincing liar.
"Captain Pellew sir, honour dictates that I must confess to striking Mr Kennedy."
"Indeed Mr Hornblower? And what provoked this attack?"
"Well sir, Mr Kennedy kissed me so I thought is best to hit him. Although if I am being honest sir really I wanted to kiss him back and never let go."
Yes that should do it. That would get them both hanged.
The other obvious course of action was to go straight to Archie and apologise. But he was bound to be furious and if he lashed out, well it was no more than Horatio deserved, but it would only lead to more trouble. Never had Horatio felt so paralysed by fear and indecision. He could see no way to resolve the situation, to restore his friend's honour. Friend? How presumptuous to assume that Mr Kennedy would ever consider him as a friend after all that had passed.
Horatio had always assumed the quality of honour to be immutable and unequivocal. Honour was the fixed point of reference by which he had sought to steer his actions. But now it appeared abstract and ambiguous and he was adrift without chart or star or compass.
By the time night fell Horatio was still racked with guilt and shame and berating himself for being a coward and a fool. He retired to his hammock reluctantly, hoping he would have an opportunity to explain himself to Archie in the morning. Perhaps things would look clearer in the light of a new day. After an hour of tossing and turning sleep was still evading Horatio and the other midshipmen were making their displeasure known in no uncertain terms. Giving up any hope of sleep, he rolled out of his hammock, dressed and went topside.
IX
Horatio had no intention of approaching his erstwhile friend. It was a cold clear night with a bright waxing moon and he could see Archie standing by the taffrail bundled in his greatcoat. He looked small. Had Archie always been so small? Horatio felt his chest constrict. He had to make this stop.
He walked to the stern and stopped by the rail. Archie was gazing down at the black water, his face looked pinched and grey, his pallor highlighted by the dark ugly bruise.
"Archie...." Horatio began, he had no idea what he was trying to say. He tried again "Archie, I'm so.."
"Stop Horatio. Just stop. You have nothing to apologise for. You defended your honour. As any man would. You should be proud." Archie’s eyes never left the water, his voice flat.
"It had to happen, I should have known I'd wreck it all, spoil the one good thing. The one good thing. I just thought it could be different. God what was I thinking?" He tilted his head back but still didn't look at Horatio.
Horatio was beyond confused. He could make head nor tail of Archie's words but the utter desolation was more than he could bear.
"Archie...."
"He was right, filth, just unnatural filth, I don't deserve....God I'm no better than..."
"Archie!" Two ratings across the deck looked up, Horatio glowered at them and they quickly turned away.
"Archie, stop this right now. Please. I don't understand but I am so very sorry. I never meant to hurt you, well I did but.... Archie, listen to me, I know I've been behaving like a fool, but you're the only friend I have. I need you...." Horatio tailed off, hands fluttering uselessly.
Archie shook his head. "You don't need me Horatio. You're much better off without the likes of me."
"You're wrong dammit!" Horatio couldn't help himself, he was getting angry and desperate. "I do need, I do want...oh God Archie, I have these dreams...."
Archie looked up slowly.
Horatio took a deep breath. "Dreams Archie. Unnatural dreams. Of you."
There it was, it was out.
A long sigh. "Oh Horatio... I know."
Horatio gawped at him "You...how?"
"I just know, it doesn't matter, that's why I thought...."
"But Archie, it's a sin!"
"Yes Horatio, its a sin. That's what they tell us, the Articles, the bible. And if it's a sin then I'm damned long since." Archie was looking straight at him now, eyes like ice. Horatio was transfixed. "All this could end in a moment." He cast his hand around the ship. "We're going to war. War Horatio, do you know what that means? We might both be dead or worse before this week is out. And if you or I see these shores again we'll be counted among the lucky ones. And Horatio, if I'm to die a sinner than I'd rather be damned by my own volition than against it. There's precious little joy in this world Horatio, I'll take my chances...."
Horatio was struggling to follow Archie, he knew he was missing something but couldn't fathom what. Archie had stopped speaking and had dropped his gaze to the sea again. Horatio felt as though the capstan hawser was tightening around his chest. He opened his mouth but he had no words for what he needed to say. Instead he placed his hand over Archie's on the taffrail and gripped it like a lifeline.
They stood in silence until a muffled curse and some laughter from the ratings across the deck reminded Horatio of the impropriety of the situation and he reluctantly slid his hand off Archie's. He could still feel his warmth. Archie made to turn away but Horatio stopped him.
"Archie, do you think there are things in this life beyond duty and honour?"
"I don't know Horatio, I hope so." Archie's voice was soft but when Horatio looked into his eyes he caught a glint of something he had not recognised before, more steel than ice. It was gone in a second, replaced by the warmer light of a hesitating smile.
"Anyway Mr Hornblower, rest assured there shall be no further attempts on your virtue. Your honour is safe with me."
Horatio drew himself up to his full height and with all the ceremony he could muster "Mr Kennedy you are most welcome to both my honour and my virtue."
Archie stared at him and choked back a sound that may have been a laugh. It was close enough. It was enough for Horatio.
Archie rubbed the bruise on his cheek "Mr Hornblower, really, I can assure you I wouldn't dare..."
Horatio smiled ruefully and stretched his right hand out in front of him his knuckles were red and split. "Mr Kennedy, you have nothing to fear, I am a poor pugilist!"
"Nonsense!" Archie snorted. "You have a formidable right hook, sir."
"Then I hope you'll permit me to share this watch Mr Kennedy? Just in case your elusive enemy should reappear, you understand..."
Note: The image of sails in the locker folded like shirts in a press is stolen from Melville's Whitejacket.
Author: Anteros
Characters: Horatio Hornblower / Archie Kennedy
Rating: PG
Words: 3800
Notes: The inevitable angsty aftermath of Glorious. This one sprouted a plot that got completely out of hand. I shall try to make sure this doesn't happen again. It's way too long, the characterisation is not what it should be and I so can't punctuate dialogue properly!
I
He was behaving like the worst sort of coward. Weak, disloyal, unmanly, craven; he was all these things and worse.
Since their transfer from Justinian he and Kennedy had been nigh on inseparable, indeed had it not been for his knowledgeable friend he would still be stumbling around the frigate lost. Yet for the last week Horatio had been avoiding Archie like the plague. Although he was the one that carried a pestilence.
Despite their close quarters it had been relatively easy to evade his friend. Though both assigned to the larboard watch division, they rarely shared watches. They messed together of course but the gunroom was always crowded with the other midshipmen and stewards. Horatio had taken to carrying one of his navigational text books with him as a last line of defence, a mathematical shield. On the odd occasion that Kennedy had been able corner him he had muttered something about having to see Lieutenant Bracegirdle about some additional navigational problems.
Problems indeed. If only the laws of men were as simple as the laws of Euclid, Horatio Hornblower would feel a lot more at home in the world. Men. Well one man in particular. That was the problem. No, that equation was back to front. He was the problem.
II
When Horatio was younger he had prided himself on his dignity and chastity, looking down his long nose at the other boys who bragged about kisses stolen from the drapers daughter or whispered about farm girls who would lead them into the barn and let them push fumbling hands into warm bodices and under heavy skirts. Horatio had smugly congratulated himself that he would not be distracted from his studies by such carnal pursuits. Now he envied these boys, and he rued the day he had hurried past the shy parson's daughter on his way home from school or disdained to walk around garden with the squire's niece as his father paid a house call.
Horatio Hornblower's virtue and chastity had been a great source of youthful pride until Jack Simpson had laid him flat out on the gunroom table and called his bluff. It had taken a base scoundrel like Simpson to speak the truth that the upright Mr Hornblower could not face. A fancier of other boys perhaps? The "perhaps" had been unnecessary of course. He knew. Simpson knew. That was certain. And now Horatio knew.
He also knew it was a sin. A sin against man, and God and the Admiralty. Leviticus was quite clear; an abomination. And the Articles of War left no room for doubt; the punishment for the unnatural and detestable sin of buggery and sodomy was death.
III
Horatio's first two months aboard Justinian had passed in a fearful blur, brightened only by a smile like summer. He had been so completely disoriented by life aboard ship, the clamour and stench of hundreds of men and women crowded into that tiny wooden space, that he barely had time to collect his thoughts. And then Jack Simpson had appeared and all his thoughts had been on death; his or Simpson's. But through it all there had been that bright smile and sharp irreverent wit.
For all his bravado though his friend's moods had been as unpredictable as the weather. That smile could vanish as quickly as the sun behind scudding clouds. Indeed Archie himself seemed to vanish at times, sometimes for hours, once or twice for whole days. Horatio had never understood how Archie could disappear so completely on that overcrowded tub. And when he returned he looked....well.... Horatio couldn't say, but it pained him even now to think on the haunted expression clouding his blue eyes.
The trouble had really started when they were transferred to the Indefatigable. Since coming aboard the frigate Archie's spirits had positively soared. Horatio had been shocked by his callous refusal to mourn Clayton's senseless death but eventually the law of Archimedes had prevailed and Archie's buoyant spirits had pulled Horatio up from the depths of guilt and despair.
Once Archie had helped him find his feet Horatio found that the regularity and order of life aboard a well crewed man-of-war was greatly to his liking. Every man knew his place and each fitted together to create a seamless whole. As Horatio grew accustomed to the rhythms of the ship, to watches and lessons, gunnery drills and messing his mind had found some freedom to wander. And wonder it had, straight to Archie Kennedy.
IV
Horatio had never really had a friend of any kind before, and certainly not a gentleman companion. He had dreamed of the day that he and Archie might stride the quarterdeck together, shipmates, comrades, brothers. He had learned so much from his unexpected friend, and not just how to tell a head from a halyard. He had learned how to laugh, to trust and to share. He had learned that he didn't have to be alone. And how had be repaid these incomparable gifts? With unnatural desires and unclean thoughts.
At first he had assured himself that he simply enjoyed his friend's company, enjoyed being around him, enjoyed his presence. But it as more than that, it was so much more than that...
During the day he could focus his considerable presence of mind on the innumerable mundane tasks that were his lot as a midshipman, at night though desire slipped its anchor and he was lost. Lost to laughing blue eyes, strong arms that circled and held him tight, small rough hands that explored and caressed, over and over and down and further and lips that crushed hard against his own, demanding, wanting, taking and then that surge breaking over him, a wave that threatened to crush the air from his lungs and all sense from his head. He would wake gasping, heart pounding, evidence of his lust cooling on his belly and a feeling that was equal parts relief and shame. Just inches from him, the object of his unnatural fancies slept soundly in his hammock. Aboard Justinian Archie's sleep had been troubled with fearful fits and nightmares, now he slept as peacefully as a babe. Horatio had briefly wondered at this transformation but was too absorbed by his own nocturnal travails to give it much thought.
V
Their first shore leave from the frigate had been torture. Horatio's inability to contribute to his shipmates’ tales of debauchery only seemed to underline his detestable lusts. Archie himself had been unusually subdued that evening and when Horatio had caught his eye he had also caught an expression that looked oddly like concern. He had made his excuses as early as he dared and, thank the Lord in heaven, he had been asleep when Archie eventually stumbled up from the bar. The next morning he had woken with a jolt and an uneasy feeling that something had happened the night before, he just couldn't recall what. A dream, surely a dream. Archie was sleeping beside him, soft tawny hair feathering over his brow, a shadow of a smile curving across pink lips. Lips that Horatio longed to touch so desperately that he must surely shatter and fly apart from the effort of resisting. Instead he focused all this attention on the ceiling above his head. He had shot out of bed and dressed hurriedly as soon as Archie had woken but the image of his shipmate lying half naked on the bed with a smile that would have eclipsed the sun would not leave him. He had looked nothing short of glorious.
A week later and he still could not get that image of Archie out of his head and that was when he knew he had to act.
Of course Archie had been confused at first, unable to comprehend Horatio's sudden change of heart. Then he became angry, dropping bitter comments whenever Horatio was in earshot. Finally he subsided into hurt silence. There was something in Archie's complete resignation that pained Horatio indescribably.
It was for the best though. This was the only way, Horatio reasoned, the only proper and honorable course of action. This was his duty.
Why then did it feel like a cowardly betrayal?
VI
They were seated around the long table in the gunroom, slates before them when Lieutenant Bracegirdle entered. "Slates away, gentlemen, today you have a reprieve from navigation. The captain has requested our assistance with the ship's inventory. Mr Hether, Mr Cleveland, to Lieutenant Eccleston." The midshipmen were dispatched in pairs to join the various lieutenants and warrant officers. "Mr Hornblower, Mr Kennedy, with me please, to the forward sail locker." Horatio hurried after Lieutenant Bracegirdle, Archie a step or two behind him. He fancied he could feel his eyes on his back. They reached the sail locker and Horatio's heart sank when Lieutenant Bracegirdle gave them their orders before departing. "I'll have an inventory of these sails if you please, gentlemen. Report to me before by the end of the watch, I'll be with the purser."
As the lieutenant departed Archie pushed past Horatio into the enclosed space and began sorting through the sails. Horatio stood rooted to the spot by the door. Archie looked up but avoided catching his eye. "Look lively, Mr Hornblower, these t'gallants won't count themselves." He smiled, but the smile didn't reach his eyes.
The frigate's sail locker was as orderly as the rest of the ship with royals and topgallants folded and stacked like so many shirts in a gentleman's press. It took little over an hour to sort through the neat piles of canvas. They spoke only to note this sail or that or to double check their inventory. Horatio was stifling in the close confines of the locker and he had a peculiar feeling in the pit of his stomach. At last they were finished, the contents of the locker checked and noted. Archie picked up the ledger and made to leave. Horatio was starting to feel as though he had escaped the gallows but just as Archie reached the door he stopped.
"If I didn't know better Mr Hornblower, I'd wager you've been avoiding me." He turned, the same half smile, the same clouded eyes.
"I assure you Mr Kennedy, I don't know what...."
"Horatio, you could not tell a convincing lie if your life depended on it." Archie gave a soft laugh and shook his head.
"Really Archie, I'm not ....I don't know what....it's just..." Horatio was floundering.
Archie held his eyes with an unwavering gaze and Horatio recognised the same desperation he felt reflected back at him. And other things, other things he dared not name, longing, loneliness, fear, desire. And something else, hope?
"Poor Horatio, so brave and so afraid." Archie smiled again and this time the spark reached his eyes. He reached out one hand and touched Horatio's cheek lightly. His hand was rough and cool. Horatio stopped breathing. A whisper, "Don't be afraid Horatio" and soft warm lips met his own. The warmth spread over his cheeks and down his back while something fluttered madly in his stomach. Archie's tongue flickered momentarily over his lips and fear and desire collided. Warm and wet and this was it, this was it, this was Archie, this was what he wanted, what he wanted so badly. Another maddening flicker of that tongue and Archie pulled back. Horatio's head was spinning and the fluttering in his stomach had turned to a frightful churning. Archie just stood there in front of him, smiling slightly, eyes burning with hope. He licked his lower lip nervously and Horatio hit him.
There was no conscious thought involved, all he was aware of was a desperate overwhelming desire to hurt Archie. To hurt him as badly as he was hurting. To hurt him and to get away. Horatio's fist landed hard on Archie's cheek bone and he felt a sickening crunch and slide. Archie's head snapped back and hit the bulkhead with a dull crack. He stared in wide eyed shock for a moment before sliding to the deck and burying his head in his hands. Horatio fled without a backward glance.
VII
The rest of the day passed in a blur. When Horatio took the first dogwatch his head was still reeling and his stomach threatening to rebel. Archie was nowhere to be seen. Horatio was on his way below at the end of his watch when he heard the staccato roll of drums that signaled general quarters. Suddenly the frigate sprang to life, the whole ships company poured forth like ants, scrambling to their stations. Horatio had survived a number of these drills since joining Pellew's crew. General quarters had been unheard of on Justinian, Keane had never once drilled the crew in the two months Horatio had been aboard. Horatio knew the ropes now but that didn't prevent his heart leaping in his breast as he raced to his station by the larboard fore carronades. Every man knew his place and was in it in minutes. Another roll of the drums and the lieutenants gave the order to fire on their imaginary foe. Despite the lack of returning fire the noise was deafening and Horatio's head was spinning and his ears ringing when they were piped back to stations. Pellew had descended from the quarterdeck and was pacing among his lieutenants discussing the speed and efficacy of the exercise. He stopped by Lieutenant Chadd, who commanded the division of heavier long guns aft of the carronades. Archie's division. Horatio had been aware of Archie's presence throughout the controlled chaos of general quarters. Like some kind of sixth sense he seemed to know exactly were he was amidst the noise and smoke without ever actually looking for him.
"Mister....?" Pellew was addressing Lt Chadd.
"Kennedy, mister midshipman Kennedy, sir." Chadd replied.
"Mister Kennedy!"
Pellew's bark almost made Horatio jump. He cast a quick glace at Archie, the first since he had left him crouched on the floor of the sail locker and to his horror saw he was sporting a dark and very obvious bruise on one side of his face. Horatio felt a cold weight slide from this guts to his boots.
"General quarters, Mr Kennedy. General quarters. We have no enemy in sight yet you alone appear to have been in the wars. You found your own enemy to engage perhaps?"
Archie lifted his chin slightly, keeping his eyes straight forward "Aye captain!"
"Mister Kennedy! I will not have my midshipmen brawling like common tars."
Horatio thought he saw one or two of the common tars smirk.
"Is that clear Mr Kennedy?"
Horatio was sweating despite the cold, his shirt clung to his back and he could feel his hands shaking. Archie didn't flinch.
"Aye sir!"
"Is that clear gentlemen?" Pellew was addressing the entire company now.
"Aye captain sir!" The midshipmen replied to a man.
"You will stand a second watch Mr Kennedy, should your elusive foe reappear. And Mr Kennedy, I trust I will not see such battle scars again unless they are put there by a French man."
"Aye captain!"
"Dismissed!" roared Pellew and a second later the drums beat the retreat and the bell tolled the start of the first watch. The decks cleared quickly with only the watch remaining, Archie among them. The middle watch would be his too.
VIII
Horatio's legs were shaking as he descended the companion to the gunroom. Overwhelmed by guilt his first reaction was to go straight to the captain and confess to being Mr Kennedy's elusive foe. But how could he explain such an uncharacteristic outburst of violence? Archie was right, he was an utterly unconvincing liar.
"Captain Pellew sir, honour dictates that I must confess to striking Mr Kennedy."
"Indeed Mr Hornblower? And what provoked this attack?"
"Well sir, Mr Kennedy kissed me so I thought is best to hit him. Although if I am being honest sir really I wanted to kiss him back and never let go."
Yes that should do it. That would get them both hanged.
The other obvious course of action was to go straight to Archie and apologise. But he was bound to be furious and if he lashed out, well it was no more than Horatio deserved, but it would only lead to more trouble. Never had Horatio felt so paralysed by fear and indecision. He could see no way to resolve the situation, to restore his friend's honour. Friend? How presumptuous to assume that Mr Kennedy would ever consider him as a friend after all that had passed.
Horatio had always assumed the quality of honour to be immutable and unequivocal. Honour was the fixed point of reference by which he had sought to steer his actions. But now it appeared abstract and ambiguous and he was adrift without chart or star or compass.
By the time night fell Horatio was still racked with guilt and shame and berating himself for being a coward and a fool. He retired to his hammock reluctantly, hoping he would have an opportunity to explain himself to Archie in the morning. Perhaps things would look clearer in the light of a new day. After an hour of tossing and turning sleep was still evading Horatio and the other midshipmen were making their displeasure known in no uncertain terms. Giving up any hope of sleep, he rolled out of his hammock, dressed and went topside.
IX
Horatio had no intention of approaching his erstwhile friend. It was a cold clear night with a bright waxing moon and he could see Archie standing by the taffrail bundled in his greatcoat. He looked small. Had Archie always been so small? Horatio felt his chest constrict. He had to make this stop.
He walked to the stern and stopped by the rail. Archie was gazing down at the black water, his face looked pinched and grey, his pallor highlighted by the dark ugly bruise.
"Archie...." Horatio began, he had no idea what he was trying to say. He tried again "Archie, I'm so.."
"Stop Horatio. Just stop. You have nothing to apologise for. You defended your honour. As any man would. You should be proud." Archie’s eyes never left the water, his voice flat.
"It had to happen, I should have known I'd wreck it all, spoil the one good thing. The one good thing. I just thought it could be different. God what was I thinking?" He tilted his head back but still didn't look at Horatio.
Horatio was beyond confused. He could make head nor tail of Archie's words but the utter desolation was more than he could bear.
"Archie...."
"He was right, filth, just unnatural filth, I don't deserve....God I'm no better than..."
"Archie!" Two ratings across the deck looked up, Horatio glowered at them and they quickly turned away.
"Archie, stop this right now. Please. I don't understand but I am so very sorry. I never meant to hurt you, well I did but.... Archie, listen to me, I know I've been behaving like a fool, but you're the only friend I have. I need you...." Horatio tailed off, hands fluttering uselessly.
Archie shook his head. "You don't need me Horatio. You're much better off without the likes of me."
"You're wrong dammit!" Horatio couldn't help himself, he was getting angry and desperate. "I do need, I do want...oh God Archie, I have these dreams...."
Archie looked up slowly.
Horatio took a deep breath. "Dreams Archie. Unnatural dreams. Of you."
There it was, it was out.
A long sigh. "Oh Horatio... I know."
Horatio gawped at him "You...how?"
"I just know, it doesn't matter, that's why I thought...."
"But Archie, it's a sin!"
"Yes Horatio, its a sin. That's what they tell us, the Articles, the bible. And if it's a sin then I'm damned long since." Archie was looking straight at him now, eyes like ice. Horatio was transfixed. "All this could end in a moment." He cast his hand around the ship. "We're going to war. War Horatio, do you know what that means? We might both be dead or worse before this week is out. And if you or I see these shores again we'll be counted among the lucky ones. And Horatio, if I'm to die a sinner than I'd rather be damned by my own volition than against it. There's precious little joy in this world Horatio, I'll take my chances...."
Horatio was struggling to follow Archie, he knew he was missing something but couldn't fathom what. Archie had stopped speaking and had dropped his gaze to the sea again. Horatio felt as though the capstan hawser was tightening around his chest. He opened his mouth but he had no words for what he needed to say. Instead he placed his hand over Archie's on the taffrail and gripped it like a lifeline.
They stood in silence until a muffled curse and some laughter from the ratings across the deck reminded Horatio of the impropriety of the situation and he reluctantly slid his hand off Archie's. He could still feel his warmth. Archie made to turn away but Horatio stopped him.
"Archie, do you think there are things in this life beyond duty and honour?"
"I don't know Horatio, I hope so." Archie's voice was soft but when Horatio looked into his eyes he caught a glint of something he had not recognised before, more steel than ice. It was gone in a second, replaced by the warmer light of a hesitating smile.
"Anyway Mr Hornblower, rest assured there shall be no further attempts on your virtue. Your honour is safe with me."
Horatio drew himself up to his full height and with all the ceremony he could muster "Mr Kennedy you are most welcome to both my honour and my virtue."
Archie stared at him and choked back a sound that may have been a laugh. It was close enough. It was enough for Horatio.
Archie rubbed the bruise on his cheek "Mr Hornblower, really, I can assure you I wouldn't dare..."
Horatio smiled ruefully and stretched his right hand out in front of him his knuckles were red and split. "Mr Kennedy, you have nothing to fear, I am a poor pugilist!"
"Nonsense!" Archie snorted. "You have a formidable right hook, sir."
"Then I hope you'll permit me to share this watch Mr Kennedy? Just in case your elusive enemy should reappear, you understand..."
Note: The image of sails in the locker folded like shirts in a press is stolen from Melville's Whitejacket.