[xoopi]
BETTER DAYS
by murinae
Part 4
In the end, his body remembered.
It wasn't as if Hikaru didn't know the area, but finding one particular, half remembered building along the maze of small sidestreets proved to be a bigger challenge than he had expected. All the familiar markers seemed to work against him, skewing his sense of direction instead of providing any real help. He knew to turn right at this conbini and left at that particular tree to get to middle school, or to the park, or to Akari's. But the landmarks meant nothing, since he didn't want to go to the middle school. Or the park. Or Akari's.
Hikaru clenched his teeth. How in the hell can I know exactly where I am, yet still be so damn lost?!
He had seriously been considering showing up on his parents doorstep and demanding for them to drive him back when he suddenly found himself in front of a vaguely familiar looking apartment complex. Somehow, having circled the station and its surrounding buildings countless times, he had exhausted himself enough to come weaving home without thought.
Unfortunately, the unnerving feeling of not belonging had doubled upon seeing the apartment. For a few, long breaths he paced nervously back and forth in front of the building, unable to stray too far (just in case he got lost again) but unwilling to actually go back up. It was his sore feet that finally decided the matter. After fishing his keys out of his jean pockets he dragged himself up the stairs. So intent was he on just forcing himself to the door that Hikaru didn't notice when a shadow detached itself from the end of the hallway.
When the hand landed on his shoulder, Hikaru reacted without thinking. He spun around, arms catching and pinning the figure against the door. And for the second time that day, he found himself pressing against a rather manly chest. At least we're vertical this time was his bizarre thought.
"What? YOU again?!." Hikaru shoved Touya away, throwing both hands up in the air. "Ugh. I knew it. You gave up too easily."
"You left your wallet," Touya said simply, as if it explained why he had suddenly decided to take a jaunt across town.
"You know, I take back everything." Hikaru scrubbed a hand through his hair. "No wonder you weren't all freaked out about before -- you're a stalker yourself!"
"You also left your issue of Go Weekly behind, as well as your book on Fujiwara no Sai," Touya continued as if he hadn't heard.
"Is anything getting through to you? I would've come back for the wallet." (Preferably while you're at a match.) "Or you could've mailed it. You didn't have to come charging after me." Hikaru leaned against the back wall. "I guess some things really don't change. You don't give up, do you -- just keep on coming after me, no matter how old you are, or where you are, or even why you are --"
"What?" Touya narrowed his eyes.
Hikaru sighed. He could here the tiniest clanking noise from the stairs below and the soft creak of a door opening. "Oh no. It's gonna be the Touya and Shindou Show Part Two." He turned to the door and inserted the key. "Look, before we attract a rather cranky audience, I'm going in now."
He reached for the wallet, pocketed it, then took the bag of books from Touya. "Thank you for bringing these back to me. I appreciate it. I'll see you -- or not --later."
Touya crossed his arms, clearly showing no intention of leaving. His eyes had narrowed further, and he had an expectant look on his face.
Hikaru could hear the tell tale thump of a cane on the stone work below. "You really don't want to be out here when that little old lady stomps up. Trust me. She's like geriatric Godzilla!"
For an answer, Touya simply stepped forward, forcing Hikaru to back up. "Then thank you for inviting me in."
"Yeah. Invite. That's an interesting word to use," Hikaru grumbled as he closed his door, hopefully in time to forestall the little old lady invasion.
As he turned from locking his door and changing his shoes, he found that Touya had also taken off his shoes, donned a pair of extra house slippers, and had taken a seat at the kitchen table.
"Oh yeah, go ahead and make yourself at home." Hikaru rolled his eyes. "I'd offer you something to drink, but I don't think there's anything but spoiled milk. And beer. Not that you ever --uh, I mean you don't look like ... hey, you want a beer?"
"No. Water would be fine," Touya said. "Tea, if you have it."
Hikaru snorted. "O-kay. Water it is, then. I guess we need cups. Huh. Cups ... yeah." He opened the first cabinet, then the next. "Must be here somewhere. Think I moved them while doing some cleaning you know."
He didn't miss the long look Touya gave to the dirty dishes in the sink. "Cause I have a special way of cleaning. Involves hiding my cups first." The third cabinet yielded nothing.
"I see." Touya, seemingly fed up with Hikaru's wandering around, rose from his seat to join Hikaru's search.
He stood in the middle of the kitchen for a second, before reaching for the sixth and last cabinet to Hikaru's right and opening it. A row of surprisingly clean cups gleamed there. Touya paused for another moment, then opened the drawer below the cup cabinet. Several canisters of barley tea sat nestled amongst some wayward spoons. "Perhaps this would be good, in addition to the water?"
"You found tea?" Hikaru peered over his shoulder. "Oh yeah. I really like barley tea. Huh. How did you know where the cups and tea were?"
Touya shrugged. "Given process of elimination, there wasn't much of a choice left beyond the laundry cabinet. Moreover, it just seems like a place you would put it. I've checked the expiration dates -- the tea bags are still good."
"What makes you think they wouldn't have been?!" Hikaru grumbled. And why is HE the one moving around like he knows the place while I'm totally lost?.
Embarrassed, he reached for the teapot and kettle he had found earlier on his search for the cups. After filling the kettle, he set it on the stove, turned the heat up to high, and pretended to watch the flame. Even if watched pots don't boil, it's better than just staring at him staring at me.
"Do you have any more?" Touya finally spoke up when it became evident that Hikaru was not about to leave his studying of the kettle.
"More what?"
"Games. Like the one you showed me back at the sushi bar."
"What? Why d'ya want to see those?" Hikaru threw a disbelieving look over his shoulder. "Is that what this is about? Look, I know someone's taught you not to take candy from strangers. Promise me you don't follow just anyone who flashes a kifu at you!"
"Depends on the kifu." Touya's voice was matter-of-fact.
"You're serious?" turning around, Hikaru pinned Touya with what he hoped was his most intimidating glare.
Touya folded his hands in his lap, and his posture was ramrod straight.
"Oh crap, you are serious." Hikaru plopped himself down on the chair across from Touya. "Look, let it go will you? It's not going to make any difference, and nothing you can say will change my mind."
Touya merely sat up straighter. He said nothing.
Drumming his fingers against the table nervously, Hikaru deliberately turned his gaze to look out the kitchen window. He blew at his bangs.
Touya remained silent.
The tea kettle whistled, and Hikaru sprang from his chair, picked up the kettle, and poured the water into the waiting teapot. He left the teabag steep for a few moments, then carefully poured a cup for Touya. After another minute, he removed the teabag entirely and poured a cup for himself.
The entire time, Touya neither moved nor said anything. Jeez, did he even blink?!
"Man, you'd make even pigs jealous with your stubborn streak." Hikaru set Touya's teacup in front of him, before cradling his own cup in his hands.
Touya's eyes narrowed at the pig comment, but he merely took a sip of his own tea. Something seemed to surprise him, and he studied the liquid inside his own cup. He raised an eyebrow before taking a slightly larger swallow.
"I am not going to leave, not until I have an answer," Touya said offhandedly, as he turned the cup in his hands. "You apologized to me before. I don't know why, but I have a feeling it has to do with those games -- therefore, the way I see it, don't you owe me?"
"I owe you?!" Hikaru spluttered.
"Show me another game -- show me your best game. Then I'll tell you if you have anything to be sorry for," Touya's voice was unrelenting.
Hikaru grimaced. "And what if I don't? You can't just sit here until I give in."
"No, I can't. But I also don't have any major matches until next Tuesday."
"Next Tuesday?! I can't believe ...." Hikaru pinched the bridge of his nose "Well, actually, I can believe this. You really would just haunt my doorstep, wouldn't you?"
"I want the best game," Touya reminded him.
"But ... I don't think ..." Hikaru stared into his tea, his expression pensive. I don't think we've played that yet.
"Is there a problem?"
"The best game ... look, I can show you a game. Maybe ... maybe you'll understand then. Yeah. It's nothing to get excited about." Hikaru stood up and walked into the study. He tugged a notebook from underneath a pile of history books and found a red pen wedged in the margins of the baseball schedule. The desk drawer yielded up a ruler, a pencil, and a blue pen. "I don't think I have any kifu paper so you're gonna have to live with this. But it's better than a napkin, I guess."
With a few sure strokes, he had laid out the 19 x 19 grid in pencil. Then with the two pens, he began to draw in the circles that would represent each move. He was barely aware of the squeak of Touya's chair as he stood up and moved behind Hikaru to watch.
Moves and countermoves, attacks and defenses emerged on the page, sharp and clear as they were in Hikaru's memory. Here, Touya had attacked his cluster, but Hikaru had gone around the back and slipped past him. There, he was the attacker, forcing Touya to respond fiercely, fangs bared. The tengen, where he and Touya had met and clashed and circled and parried, neither taking or giving quarter, fighting until the perfect standstill forced them to seek battle elsewhere. Move after move appeared in his head, almost as comforting as the moment he had played the game himself.
Finally, Hikaru set down the pencil and released a deep breath. "Thank you for the game," he murmured, as if he had truly just finished placing the last stone.
"Thank you for the game," the Touya behind him replied. Touya reached for the paper, holding it up close to his chest
"White wins," Touya said faintly. "Half a moku. Ah. But I played black, didn't I?"
Hikaru smiled slightly, even though he didn't feel much emotion behind the expression. "Yeah. Now do you see what I mean? Black probably would've won ... would win, if you were playing. You're past this point."
"But you said this isn't the best game?" Touya voice had dropped into a nearly wordless hush.
"No," Hikaru shrugged. "I wouldn't call it that, no. But this is the best of the lot at the moment."
"And they're all like this?"
"No. Not all. But you have to see that ..."
"I haven't played these games."
"Right." Hikaru exhaled, long and loud. "Exactly."
"But why? Why didn't I play these games? I obviously could." Touya's head had bent low, and his hands were shaking on the table.
Hikaru blinked. For a moment, his vision blurred, and Touya's face was replaced by a rounder version, eyes wide and brimming with childish wonderment.
"To be honest, I am angry. Why wasn't I playing this game against you?" He could still hear that voice, though many years and many games had passed. He could still hear the anger and the bewilderment.
And he could still hear the hope.
"No. No way. You can't mean that." Hikaru bit his lip. "Again? No. No way! This is below you!"
Touya fingers traced the marks on the makeshift kifu. His lips moved absently. But at Hikaru's words, his head jerked up, eyes sharpening. "It's not always about level. Or who wins. You should know that. Anyone who played the games you showed me should know that. Tell me everything. Where do these games come from? Where ... where do you come from?"
"Uh ..." Hikaru pushed his chair back.
"Where do you think you're going to run? You don't have anywhere else to go." Touya's voice was as intense as Hikaru had ever heard it. "You can't run."
Hikaru glanced at the door, then at Touya.
"I just want to understand," Touya insisted.
"But you can't understand. Because this," Hikaru gestured at the paper. "It's not --"
"I wouldn't be ashamed to have played this game." Touya's hands trembled, and he placed the paper back down on the table, resting an open palm against it. "I want to know."
"But you can't," Hikaru said. "You just can't!"
"Why do you keep saying that?!"
"Because ... because ... what you are now, because what you see," Hikaru pushed Touya's hand away from the kifu. "What this is ... it ... it d-doesn't exist here."
His voice shook, but he swallowed, finally admitting the fact that had been growing heavier all day within him. "I don't exist here, not as an igo player."
Is this why everything happened, Sai? Is this finally punishment for ignoring you, so that I would have a taste at being unknown and unseen?
"I d-don't exist. Not that way I want to -- and not the way that makes any sense." He sagged in his chair, clutching his head and closing his eyes. "I've had enough. I want to go home. Please."
He heard a quick inhalation of breath, then to his surprise, he heard the sound of teapot being lifted and the tea being poured into a cup. Moments later, a soft touch came to his shoulder.
"Drink it while it's still warm," Touya said.
"You poured me tea?" he said, because there seemed to be no other thing he could say. "In the middle of my breakdown, you poured me more tea?"
"It seemed like the thing to do," Touya explained awkwardly. Looking up, he saw that Touya's lips had pressed together in a worried line. And his eyes ... they were wide and brimming with something Hikaru couldn't quite name.
"I am very confused." Touya admitted slowly. "I don't know how you know things, such as what kind of sushi I like or that I don't drink beer. You even know the exact way I like my tea. More than that, you know my game. To some extent, I want to yell and shake you and storm around screaming. But I don't think that will help you."
Hikaru stared at the other man, weighing the options within him.
"Look at it this way," Touya said. "I also think I'm the only one who would even begin to believe anything you say."
There wasn't much of a choice, not really. And when I go home, what would it hurt? The other him won't know, right?
"So, do you believe in ghosts?"
***
Part 5
The tea had grown very cold and his voice had become raspy when Hikaru finally finished speaking. He told Touya about everything, about that blinding moment when he had first met Sai, through their rocky relationship, down to the present day and Hikaru's current standing with the "other" Touya.
Throughout Hikaru's story, Touya said nothing. He didn't make any noises of disbelief, nor did he startle backwards as if he had been shocked. He hadn't even changed expression once, though his eyes never lost their intensity.
When it was quite apparent that Hikaru had nothing to add, Touya took a deep breath, then slowly pushed away from the kitchen table. Standing up, he paced in an elongated oval from the kitchen to the study to the tatami room back to the kitchen again.
Hikaru watched him with slitted eyes. Finally, on Touya's third circuit, Hikaru took a long drag from his too cold tea, and sat up straight.
"Go on. Go ahead and say it," he rasped. "It'll make you feel better."
"That's ... this ..." Touya blinked. "That's just ..."
Hikaru closed one eye, bracing himself.
"That's crazy." Touya grasped his head with both hands, rubbing at his temples. "That's just insane!"
Hikaru closed his other eye and sighed. "Knew it," he muttered. "Totally knew you were going to say that. Bet you're having second thoughts about calling the police now. But if you're going to freak, take it outside, okay? I wasn't kidding earlier about the old lady of doom downstairs."
As the soft spluttering sounds continued, Hikaru opened both eyes reluctantly, just to make sure Touya wasn't choking. He was treated to the rather unique sight of Touya Akira wide eyed and opened mouthed like a goldfish flipped from its bowl. The fact that Touya was frantically opening and closing his hands further added to the image.
Hikaru couldn't help himself. He dissolved into a fit of laughter, sides heaving until he was in serious pain.
"Oooooo, if I had known you'd look so doofy, I might've told you before!" Hikaru wheezed, sprawling limply against the kitchen table as he rubbed his ribs gingerly.
His laughter had the desired effect though; Touya's eyes focused and his mouth tightened into a severe line.
Hikaru gave one last snicker. He took the kifu in one hand, crumpled it into a ball, then lobbed it at the paper recycling bin. It bounced off the rim onto the floor instead.
"Hope I'm not the basketball coach," he remarked. "So. Now you know. And it's all screwed up, you don't want to believe it, and you probably want to just get away now and never see me again, right? Go back to being a meijin. It's probably better than this."
"It is somewhat ... unbelievable." Touya said softly.
Hikaru nodded. "Yup."
"But ... I believe it nonetheless." he whispered, and it was Hikaru's turn to gape wide mouthed and bug eyed.
Touya merely smiled gently.
"What?! No." Hikaru babbled frantically. "Were you listening? Did you hear the part about the ghost? And the fact that there's "another world" where "another you", who is not a meijin, plays me -- who is not a Haze middle school teacher? If that's too hard for you to get, just draw yourself a flow chart with all the arrows pointing straight towards crazy -- cause that's where I am right now."
"I believe you. Why is this so hard for you to understand?" Touya folded his arms and glared.
"Because I barely believe anything that's happened, and I'm the one living it!" Hikaru went to the nearest wall and quietly banged his forehead against it.
"Perhaps that's your problem." A hand interposed itself between Hikaru's head and the wall, and when he flinched backwards, he bumped into Touya, who quickly steered him back into a chair. "You don't have enough faith."
"I don't know how you can." Hikaru said. "I mean, ghosts and other "yous" and "mes" and stuff. How?"
"You showed me the games," Touya said. "There are many things can be faked. But there are some things that will always ring true ... and something rings true in those games. I can't deny that, so therefore, I cannot deny that somewhere, I am not the meijin and you are my rival."
Hikaru could only stare stupidly.
"Isn't that right? My eternal rival." Touya's voice was wistful. "You never told this "other me", did you? About all the stuff you told "this" me. I must've been very frustrated with you. Very disappointed, too, that you couldn't trust me."
"Ah ... " Hikaru rubbed his forehead. "Well, about that ... it wasn't that I didn't trust you, not really. It's more like --"
He winced. "I just didn't know how to come out with the truth. That I sorta deceived you. The "other you" wasn't chasing me at first. You remember my story, right? I didn't start out being a great igo player. That was Sai."
"But the two games you drew -- they were solely between you and ... him -- I mean, me? And not with this ... ghost."
Hikaru winced again. "Yeah?"
"Seeing them, my interest hasn't waned."
"I'm below your level! How many times are you going to make me say that?! It hurts." Hikaru curled up, body hunching towards his chest. "The Touya Akira I know wouldn't stop. He sure as hell wouldn't go backwards. And this time, I'm not asking him to wait."
He gritted his teeth. "I missed seeing someone's potential once before. Twice now, really, with you and Sai. But I also know that there's nothing I could've done different. I'm not selfless, you gotta understand. But this time, with what I know .... even I can't be that selfish."
"It wasn't just you. He chose to wait."
"Only because what he wanted back then -- it wasn't anything he could ever have. Well, it's my choice now. I meant what I said -- I am praying that I'm not going to be here when I wake up tomorrow. I want my real life, and when I get back, I will push him up. I was doing it before, but now I'm going to try even harder to push him up with all I've got --"
"But what about the "me" that is here?" Touya's voice was hard. "What if this is reality and what you had before was a dream? Or if you leave, where does that leave me now?"
"You're the fucking meijin. You haven't lost anything."
"Who are you to say that?" His steps sounding heavy against the linoleum, Touya walked over to the discarded ball of paper and uncrumpled it. "I won't go backwards or stop, no. But I will play you and I will push you until we can have this!" Touya smacked both of his hands on the table, causing Hikaru to jump.
"Why? Why do these damn games mean so much to you? They're not yours; they're not even tournament level!" Hikaru shuddered at how plaintive his voice sounded. "That's the part I can't understand. You play title matches, as meijin, you have access to the best players the world has to offer."
"Those could have been my games!" Touya's voice dropped abruptly, and his hands fell to his sides, limp. "How could you not understand that? Even given only those two kifu, I can read every move deeply. I can trace the intent behind every shape. And I think I know, even more than you, the feeling behind each stone placed. I know what he -- what I -- was grasping for. What my life right now does not offer."
"But I ..." cowed by Touya's passion, Hikaru turned away. "I don't belong here. And this Shindo Hikaru ... he is a teacher at Haze Middle. I don't know much about him, but I know he doesn't play go. Given what it took to get me into go in the first place and how stubborn I still can be ... I don't think he's going be interested. Besides, the distance now is too much for him to start and to become what you want him to be."
"What's the point then?" Touya's sounded tired, and his eyes were shadowed. "Of knowing all this now?"
"Maybe it was to show me ... I have to get back." Hikaru's shoulders slumped. "I am so sorry. I knew I shouldn't have shown you -- I don't mean to, but I keep screwing up in the weirdest ways." His voice cracked, and he had to look at the floor, to stop the burning sensation in the corner of his eyes. "I'm sorry. It's not fair. At all."
"Then promise me. When you get back, tell him. The best way is to draw the kifu of your games with Fujiwara no Sai, then the ones you have together. Lay them side by side. He will -- I will -- believe then. He will also probably smack you for being an idiot and for thinking and assuming such stupid things about him. And if he's not a fool, he'll also swear that he'll still chase you ... that he's always known all along what he's been chasing. And Shindou Hikaru?" Touya's voice had dropped into its lowest register. "I know I am not a fool. And I accept your apology."
Standing, Touya Akira drew himself up to his fullest height. He took the kifu, and folded it gently, almost reverently, and placed it into his pocket. Without another word, he turned and left.
The rest of the evening passed as a blur to Hikaru. He didn't remember eating, he didn't remember showering. All he could concentrate on was willing the sun to set and for his mind to finally feel tired enough so that he could sleep.
Okay, I got it now. I understand the point, the whole big fucking deal. But did you have to make it so painful for Touya here too? he sighed. I'll make it up to him. I promise.
Finally, when the sky had turned black, Shindou Hikaru dimmed the lights and crawled into his unfamiliar bed. He closed his eyes. He slept.
And then the morning came.
Hikaru woke up. He opened his eyes. He saw the textbooks and pencils and baseball schedules. In the kitchen, the cups from the day before had joined the mountain of dishes in the sink. And on the counter, next to the cold tea kettle, there was a phone number written on a torn piece of napkin.
He dialed the number.
"I'm still here." he whispered, when the person finally picked up.
To be continued ...
previous parts
by murinae
Part 4
In the end, his body remembered.
It wasn't as if Hikaru didn't know the area, but finding one particular, half remembered building along the maze of small sidestreets proved to be a bigger challenge than he had expected. All the familiar markers seemed to work against him, skewing his sense of direction instead of providing any real help. He knew to turn right at this conbini and left at that particular tree to get to middle school, or to the park, or to Akari's. But the landmarks meant nothing, since he didn't want to go to the middle school. Or the park. Or Akari's.
Hikaru clenched his teeth. How in the hell can I know exactly where I am, yet still be so damn lost?!
He had seriously been considering showing up on his parents doorstep and demanding for them to drive him back when he suddenly found himself in front of a vaguely familiar looking apartment complex. Somehow, having circled the station and its surrounding buildings countless times, he had exhausted himself enough to come weaving home without thought.
Unfortunately, the unnerving feeling of not belonging had doubled upon seeing the apartment. For a few, long breaths he paced nervously back and forth in front of the building, unable to stray too far (just in case he got lost again) but unwilling to actually go back up. It was his sore feet that finally decided the matter. After fishing his keys out of his jean pockets he dragged himself up the stairs. So intent was he on just forcing himself to the door that Hikaru didn't notice when a shadow detached itself from the end of the hallway.
When the hand landed on his shoulder, Hikaru reacted without thinking. He spun around, arms catching and pinning the figure against the door. And for the second time that day, he found himself pressing against a rather manly chest. At least we're vertical this time was his bizarre thought.
"What? YOU again?!." Hikaru shoved Touya away, throwing both hands up in the air. "Ugh. I knew it. You gave up too easily."
"You left your wallet," Touya said simply, as if it explained why he had suddenly decided to take a jaunt across town.
"You know, I take back everything." Hikaru scrubbed a hand through his hair. "No wonder you weren't all freaked out about before -- you're a stalker yourself!"
"You also left your issue of Go Weekly behind, as well as your book on Fujiwara no Sai," Touya continued as if he hadn't heard.
"Is anything getting through to you? I would've come back for the wallet." (Preferably while you're at a match.) "Or you could've mailed it. You didn't have to come charging after me." Hikaru leaned against the back wall. "I guess some things really don't change. You don't give up, do you -- just keep on coming after me, no matter how old you are, or where you are, or even why you are --"
"What?" Touya narrowed his eyes.
Hikaru sighed. He could here the tiniest clanking noise from the stairs below and the soft creak of a door opening. "Oh no. It's gonna be the Touya and Shindou Show Part Two." He turned to the door and inserted the key. "Look, before we attract a rather cranky audience, I'm going in now."
He reached for the wallet, pocketed it, then took the bag of books from Touya. "Thank you for bringing these back to me. I appreciate it. I'll see you -- or not --later."
Touya crossed his arms, clearly showing no intention of leaving. His eyes had narrowed further, and he had an expectant look on his face.
Hikaru could hear the tell tale thump of a cane on the stone work below. "You really don't want to be out here when that little old lady stomps up. Trust me. She's like geriatric Godzilla!"
For an answer, Touya simply stepped forward, forcing Hikaru to back up. "Then thank you for inviting me in."
"Yeah. Invite. That's an interesting word to use," Hikaru grumbled as he closed his door, hopefully in time to forestall the little old lady invasion.
As he turned from locking his door and changing his shoes, he found that Touya had also taken off his shoes, donned a pair of extra house slippers, and had taken a seat at the kitchen table.
"Oh yeah, go ahead and make yourself at home." Hikaru rolled his eyes. "I'd offer you something to drink, but I don't think there's anything but spoiled milk. And beer. Not that you ever --uh, I mean you don't look like ... hey, you want a beer?"
"No. Water would be fine," Touya said. "Tea, if you have it."
Hikaru snorted. "O-kay. Water it is, then. I guess we need cups. Huh. Cups ... yeah." He opened the first cabinet, then the next. "Must be here somewhere. Think I moved them while doing some cleaning you know."
He didn't miss the long look Touya gave to the dirty dishes in the sink. "Cause I have a special way of cleaning. Involves hiding my cups first." The third cabinet yielded nothing.
"I see." Touya, seemingly fed up with Hikaru's wandering around, rose from his seat to join Hikaru's search.
He stood in the middle of the kitchen for a second, before reaching for the sixth and last cabinet to Hikaru's right and opening it. A row of surprisingly clean cups gleamed there. Touya paused for another moment, then opened the drawer below the cup cabinet. Several canisters of barley tea sat nestled amongst some wayward spoons. "Perhaps this would be good, in addition to the water?"
"You found tea?" Hikaru peered over his shoulder. "Oh yeah. I really like barley tea. Huh. How did you know where the cups and tea were?"
Touya shrugged. "Given process of elimination, there wasn't much of a choice left beyond the laundry cabinet. Moreover, it just seems like a place you would put it. I've checked the expiration dates -- the tea bags are still good."
"What makes you think they wouldn't have been?!" Hikaru grumbled. And why is HE the one moving around like he knows the place while I'm totally lost?.
Embarrassed, he reached for the teapot and kettle he had found earlier on his search for the cups. After filling the kettle, he set it on the stove, turned the heat up to high, and pretended to watch the flame. Even if watched pots don't boil, it's better than just staring at him staring at me.
"Do you have any more?" Touya finally spoke up when it became evident that Hikaru was not about to leave his studying of the kettle.
"More what?"
"Games. Like the one you showed me back at the sushi bar."
"What? Why d'ya want to see those?" Hikaru threw a disbelieving look over his shoulder. "Is that what this is about? Look, I know someone's taught you not to take candy from strangers. Promise me you don't follow just anyone who flashes a kifu at you!"
"Depends on the kifu." Touya's voice was matter-of-fact.
"You're serious?" turning around, Hikaru pinned Touya with what he hoped was his most intimidating glare.
Touya folded his hands in his lap, and his posture was ramrod straight.
"Oh crap, you are serious." Hikaru plopped himself down on the chair across from Touya. "Look, let it go will you? It's not going to make any difference, and nothing you can say will change my mind."
Touya merely sat up straighter. He said nothing.
Drumming his fingers against the table nervously, Hikaru deliberately turned his gaze to look out the kitchen window. He blew at his bangs.
Touya remained silent.
The tea kettle whistled, and Hikaru sprang from his chair, picked up the kettle, and poured the water into the waiting teapot. He left the teabag steep for a few moments, then carefully poured a cup for Touya. After another minute, he removed the teabag entirely and poured a cup for himself.
The entire time, Touya neither moved nor said anything. Jeez, did he even blink?!
"Man, you'd make even pigs jealous with your stubborn streak." Hikaru set Touya's teacup in front of him, before cradling his own cup in his hands.
Touya's eyes narrowed at the pig comment, but he merely took a sip of his own tea. Something seemed to surprise him, and he studied the liquid inside his own cup. He raised an eyebrow before taking a slightly larger swallow.
"I am not going to leave, not until I have an answer," Touya said offhandedly, as he turned the cup in his hands. "You apologized to me before. I don't know why, but I have a feeling it has to do with those games -- therefore, the way I see it, don't you owe me?"
"I owe you?!" Hikaru spluttered.
"Show me another game -- show me your best game. Then I'll tell you if you have anything to be sorry for," Touya's voice was unrelenting.
Hikaru grimaced. "And what if I don't? You can't just sit here until I give in."
"No, I can't. But I also don't have any major matches until next Tuesday."
"Next Tuesday?! I can't believe ...." Hikaru pinched the bridge of his nose "Well, actually, I can believe this. You really would just haunt my doorstep, wouldn't you?"
"I want the best game," Touya reminded him.
"But ... I don't think ..." Hikaru stared into his tea, his expression pensive. I don't think we've played that yet.
"Is there a problem?"
"The best game ... look, I can show you a game. Maybe ... maybe you'll understand then. Yeah. It's nothing to get excited about." Hikaru stood up and walked into the study. He tugged a notebook from underneath a pile of history books and found a red pen wedged in the margins of the baseball schedule. The desk drawer yielded up a ruler, a pencil, and a blue pen. "I don't think I have any kifu paper so you're gonna have to live with this. But it's better than a napkin, I guess."
With a few sure strokes, he had laid out the 19 x 19 grid in pencil. Then with the two pens, he began to draw in the circles that would represent each move. He was barely aware of the squeak of Touya's chair as he stood up and moved behind Hikaru to watch.
Moves and countermoves, attacks and defenses emerged on the page, sharp and clear as they were in Hikaru's memory. Here, Touya had attacked his cluster, but Hikaru had gone around the back and slipped past him. There, he was the attacker, forcing Touya to respond fiercely, fangs bared. The tengen, where he and Touya had met and clashed and circled and parried, neither taking or giving quarter, fighting until the perfect standstill forced them to seek battle elsewhere. Move after move appeared in his head, almost as comforting as the moment he had played the game himself.
Finally, Hikaru set down the pencil and released a deep breath. "Thank you for the game," he murmured, as if he had truly just finished placing the last stone.
"Thank you for the game," the Touya behind him replied. Touya reached for the paper, holding it up close to his chest
"White wins," Touya said faintly. "Half a moku. Ah. But I played black, didn't I?"
Hikaru smiled slightly, even though he didn't feel much emotion behind the expression. "Yeah. Now do you see what I mean? Black probably would've won ... would win, if you were playing. You're past this point."
"But you said this isn't the best game?" Touya voice had dropped into a nearly wordless hush.
"No," Hikaru shrugged. "I wouldn't call it that, no. But this is the best of the lot at the moment."
"And they're all like this?"
"No. Not all. But you have to see that ..."
"I haven't played these games."
"Right." Hikaru exhaled, long and loud. "Exactly."
"But why? Why didn't I play these games? I obviously could." Touya's head had bent low, and his hands were shaking on the table.
Hikaru blinked. For a moment, his vision blurred, and Touya's face was replaced by a rounder version, eyes wide and brimming with childish wonderment.
"To be honest, I am angry. Why wasn't I playing this game against you?" He could still hear that voice, though many years and many games had passed. He could still hear the anger and the bewilderment.
And he could still hear the hope.
"No. No way. You can't mean that." Hikaru bit his lip. "Again? No. No way! This is below you!"
Touya fingers traced the marks on the makeshift kifu. His lips moved absently. But at Hikaru's words, his head jerked up, eyes sharpening. "It's not always about level. Or who wins. You should know that. Anyone who played the games you showed me should know that. Tell me everything. Where do these games come from? Where ... where do you come from?"
"Uh ..." Hikaru pushed his chair back.
"Where do you think you're going to run? You don't have anywhere else to go." Touya's voice was as intense as Hikaru had ever heard it. "You can't run."
Hikaru glanced at the door, then at Touya.
"I just want to understand," Touya insisted.
"But you can't understand. Because this," Hikaru gestured at the paper. "It's not --"
"I wouldn't be ashamed to have played this game." Touya's hands trembled, and he placed the paper back down on the table, resting an open palm against it. "I want to know."
"But you can't," Hikaru said. "You just can't!"
"Why do you keep saying that?!"
"Because ... because ... what you are now, because what you see," Hikaru pushed Touya's hand away from the kifu. "What this is ... it ... it d-doesn't exist here."
His voice shook, but he swallowed, finally admitting the fact that had been growing heavier all day within him. "I don't exist here, not as an igo player."
Is this why everything happened, Sai? Is this finally punishment for ignoring you, so that I would have a taste at being unknown and unseen?
"I d-don't exist. Not that way I want to -- and not the way that makes any sense." He sagged in his chair, clutching his head and closing his eyes. "I've had enough. I want to go home. Please."
He heard a quick inhalation of breath, then to his surprise, he heard the sound of teapot being lifted and the tea being poured into a cup. Moments later, a soft touch came to his shoulder.
"Drink it while it's still warm," Touya said.
"You poured me tea?" he said, because there seemed to be no other thing he could say. "In the middle of my breakdown, you poured me more tea?"
"It seemed like the thing to do," Touya explained awkwardly. Looking up, he saw that Touya's lips had pressed together in a worried line. And his eyes ... they were wide and brimming with something Hikaru couldn't quite name.
"I am very confused." Touya admitted slowly. "I don't know how you know things, such as what kind of sushi I like or that I don't drink beer. You even know the exact way I like my tea. More than that, you know my game. To some extent, I want to yell and shake you and storm around screaming. But I don't think that will help you."
Hikaru stared at the other man, weighing the options within him.
"Look at it this way," Touya said. "I also think I'm the only one who would even begin to believe anything you say."
There wasn't much of a choice, not really. And when I go home, what would it hurt? The other him won't know, right?
"So, do you believe in ghosts?"
***
Part 5
The tea had grown very cold and his voice had become raspy when Hikaru finally finished speaking. He told Touya about everything, about that blinding moment when he had first met Sai, through their rocky relationship, down to the present day and Hikaru's current standing with the "other" Touya.
Throughout Hikaru's story, Touya said nothing. He didn't make any noises of disbelief, nor did he startle backwards as if he had been shocked. He hadn't even changed expression once, though his eyes never lost their intensity.
When it was quite apparent that Hikaru had nothing to add, Touya took a deep breath, then slowly pushed away from the kitchen table. Standing up, he paced in an elongated oval from the kitchen to the study to the tatami room back to the kitchen again.
Hikaru watched him with slitted eyes. Finally, on Touya's third circuit, Hikaru took a long drag from his too cold tea, and sat up straight.
"Go on. Go ahead and say it," he rasped. "It'll make you feel better."
"That's ... this ..." Touya blinked. "That's just ..."
Hikaru closed one eye, bracing himself.
"That's crazy." Touya grasped his head with both hands, rubbing at his temples. "That's just insane!"
Hikaru closed his other eye and sighed. "Knew it," he muttered. "Totally knew you were going to say that. Bet you're having second thoughts about calling the police now. But if you're going to freak, take it outside, okay? I wasn't kidding earlier about the old lady of doom downstairs."
As the soft spluttering sounds continued, Hikaru opened both eyes reluctantly, just to make sure Touya wasn't choking. He was treated to the rather unique sight of Touya Akira wide eyed and opened mouthed like a goldfish flipped from its bowl. The fact that Touya was frantically opening and closing his hands further added to the image.
Hikaru couldn't help himself. He dissolved into a fit of laughter, sides heaving until he was in serious pain.
"Oooooo, if I had known you'd look so doofy, I might've told you before!" Hikaru wheezed, sprawling limply against the kitchen table as he rubbed his ribs gingerly.
His laughter had the desired effect though; Touya's eyes focused and his mouth tightened into a severe line.
Hikaru gave one last snicker. He took the kifu in one hand, crumpled it into a ball, then lobbed it at the paper recycling bin. It bounced off the rim onto the floor instead.
"Hope I'm not the basketball coach," he remarked. "So. Now you know. And it's all screwed up, you don't want to believe it, and you probably want to just get away now and never see me again, right? Go back to being a meijin. It's probably better than this."
"It is somewhat ... unbelievable." Touya said softly.
Hikaru nodded. "Yup."
"But ... I believe it nonetheless." he whispered, and it was Hikaru's turn to gape wide mouthed and bug eyed.
Touya merely smiled gently.
"What?! No." Hikaru babbled frantically. "Were you listening? Did you hear the part about the ghost? And the fact that there's "another world" where "another you", who is not a meijin, plays me -- who is not a Haze middle school teacher? If that's too hard for you to get, just draw yourself a flow chart with all the arrows pointing straight towards crazy -- cause that's where I am right now."
"I believe you. Why is this so hard for you to understand?" Touya folded his arms and glared.
"Because I barely believe anything that's happened, and I'm the one living it!" Hikaru went to the nearest wall and quietly banged his forehead against it.
"Perhaps that's your problem." A hand interposed itself between Hikaru's head and the wall, and when he flinched backwards, he bumped into Touya, who quickly steered him back into a chair. "You don't have enough faith."
"I don't know how you can." Hikaru said. "I mean, ghosts and other "yous" and "mes" and stuff. How?"
"You showed me the games," Touya said. "There are many things can be faked. But there are some things that will always ring true ... and something rings true in those games. I can't deny that, so therefore, I cannot deny that somewhere, I am not the meijin and you are my rival."
Hikaru could only stare stupidly.
"Isn't that right? My eternal rival." Touya's voice was wistful. "You never told this "other me", did you? About all the stuff you told "this" me. I must've been very frustrated with you. Very disappointed, too, that you couldn't trust me."
"Ah ... " Hikaru rubbed his forehead. "Well, about that ... it wasn't that I didn't trust you, not really. It's more like --"
He winced. "I just didn't know how to come out with the truth. That I sorta deceived you. The "other you" wasn't chasing me at first. You remember my story, right? I didn't start out being a great igo player. That was Sai."
"But the two games you drew -- they were solely between you and ... him -- I mean, me? And not with this ... ghost."
Hikaru winced again. "Yeah?"
"Seeing them, my interest hasn't waned."
"I'm below your level! How many times are you going to make me say that?! It hurts." Hikaru curled up, body hunching towards his chest. "The Touya Akira I know wouldn't stop. He sure as hell wouldn't go backwards. And this time, I'm not asking him to wait."
He gritted his teeth. "I missed seeing someone's potential once before. Twice now, really, with you and Sai. But I also know that there's nothing I could've done different. I'm not selfless, you gotta understand. But this time, with what I know .... even I can't be that selfish."
"It wasn't just you. He chose to wait."
"Only because what he wanted back then -- it wasn't anything he could ever have. Well, it's my choice now. I meant what I said -- I am praying that I'm not going to be here when I wake up tomorrow. I want my real life, and when I get back, I will push him up. I was doing it before, but now I'm going to try even harder to push him up with all I've got --"
"But what about the "me" that is here?" Touya's voice was hard. "What if this is reality and what you had before was a dream? Or if you leave, where does that leave me now?"
"You're the fucking meijin. You haven't lost anything."
"Who are you to say that?" His steps sounding heavy against the linoleum, Touya walked over to the discarded ball of paper and uncrumpled it. "I won't go backwards or stop, no. But I will play you and I will push you until we can have this!" Touya smacked both of his hands on the table, causing Hikaru to jump.
"Why? Why do these damn games mean so much to you? They're not yours; they're not even tournament level!" Hikaru shuddered at how plaintive his voice sounded. "That's the part I can't understand. You play title matches, as meijin, you have access to the best players the world has to offer."
"Those could have been my games!" Touya's voice dropped abruptly, and his hands fell to his sides, limp. "How could you not understand that? Even given only those two kifu, I can read every move deeply. I can trace the intent behind every shape. And I think I know, even more than you, the feeling behind each stone placed. I know what he -- what I -- was grasping for. What my life right now does not offer."
"But I ..." cowed by Touya's passion, Hikaru turned away. "I don't belong here. And this Shindo Hikaru ... he is a teacher at Haze Middle. I don't know much about him, but I know he doesn't play go. Given what it took to get me into go in the first place and how stubborn I still can be ... I don't think he's going be interested. Besides, the distance now is too much for him to start and to become what you want him to be."
"What's the point then?" Touya's sounded tired, and his eyes were shadowed. "Of knowing all this now?"
"Maybe it was to show me ... I have to get back." Hikaru's shoulders slumped. "I am so sorry. I knew I shouldn't have shown you -- I don't mean to, but I keep screwing up in the weirdest ways." His voice cracked, and he had to look at the floor, to stop the burning sensation in the corner of his eyes. "I'm sorry. It's not fair. At all."
"Then promise me. When you get back, tell him. The best way is to draw the kifu of your games with Fujiwara no Sai, then the ones you have together. Lay them side by side. He will -- I will -- believe then. He will also probably smack you for being an idiot and for thinking and assuming such stupid things about him. And if he's not a fool, he'll also swear that he'll still chase you ... that he's always known all along what he's been chasing. And Shindou Hikaru?" Touya's voice had dropped into its lowest register. "I know I am not a fool. And I accept your apology."
Standing, Touya Akira drew himself up to his fullest height. He took the kifu, and folded it gently, almost reverently, and placed it into his pocket. Without another word, he turned and left.
The rest of the evening passed as a blur to Hikaru. He didn't remember eating, he didn't remember showering. All he could concentrate on was willing the sun to set and for his mind to finally feel tired enough so that he could sleep.
Okay, I got it now. I understand the point, the whole big fucking deal. But did you have to make it so painful for Touya here too? he sighed. I'll make it up to him. I promise.
Finally, when the sky had turned black, Shindou Hikaru dimmed the lights and crawled into his unfamiliar bed. He closed his eyes. He slept.
And then the morning came.
Hikaru woke up. He opened his eyes. He saw the textbooks and pencils and baseball schedules. In the kitchen, the cups from the day before had joined the mountain of dishes in the sink. And on the counter, next to the cold tea kettle, there was a phone number written on a torn piece of napkin.
He dialed the number.
"I'm still here." he whispered, when the person finally picked up.
To be continued ...
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