[Yasuro]
FORGIVE ME IF I SLIP AWAY
by doumeki
Darkness and silence greeted him when he opened the door. It enveloped him, welcoming him mockingly into its embrace as if to say that it was all he had now. He turned on the light in defiance, blinking as the artificial brightness banished the dark to the far corners of the room.
He kicked off his shoes and placed them neatly by the door, softly calling out into the emptiness, hoping beyond hope that a voice would reply back. None came, and he roughly shoved a hand through his hair, groping for his cell phone with the other.
Despite staring menacingly at it, the screen remained blank. He entertained the thought of going to bed, but concern for his lover had him sitting on the couch, gazing blankly at the phone. He dialed Ashiwara's number and brought the phone to his ear in time to hear the cheerful voice recording.
"Hey. It's me," he started awkwardly. "You're not home, and I'm worried, you know? I mean, are you coming home? I want you to. Please. I'm… I'm sorry about tonight. Just, please. Come home." He hung up the phone and sunk into the couch.
The silence pressed against him, choking him with its presence. It was broken only by the incessant ticking of the clock. He squeezed his eyes shut, speaking softly into the stillness. Words poured from him, filling the empty apartment and pushing back the quiet, drowning out the mechanical ticking counting each second he sat alone.
He opened his eyes to find weak sunlight filtered through the blinds, making obscure patterns on the carpet. He bolted upright, eyes flying to the entrance. His own shoes sat there, carefully placed by the door. Another pair lay scattered a few feet away.
The apartment was quiet, but he could hear the faint movements of someone else from the bedroom. Quickly, he stood and hurried to the room to find Ashiwara sitting on the bed, suitcase open at his feet.
"What are you doing?" he blurted, drawing the other man's attention to him.
Ashiwara blinked at him, letting the shirt he had been folding fall to the ground. "I didn't know you were awake," he said softly.
Silence spread between them quickly, and he cursed softly. He moved across the room to kneel in front of Ashiwara. He looked up into the brunette's face, noticing the shadows ringing his eyes. The other man flinched when he took his hand, but he kept his grip firm. "Are you all right?"
Ashiwara looked down at him with blank eyes and shook his head. "I'm not," he whispered, voice tripping on the words.
He gathered Ashiwara in his arms, holding him tightly. The other man sounded so lost, and he knew that he was the reason for it. Ashiwara began to sob on his shoulder, and he stroked his lover's back, murmuring comforting words in his ear.
"No," Ashiwara sobbed, pulling away. "It's not okay."
Fear seized him, tendrils of apprehension curling languidly in his stomach. "What do you mean?" he whispered.
Ashiwara stared down at him, and he could see regret etched into the hollow features.
"I slept with Ogata-san," Ashiwara answered softly, averting his eyes.
The words rang in his ears, repeating over and over. His eyes stung and he tried to blink it away, soothe one pain while another threatened to overwhelm him. "What did you say?"
Ashiwara squeezed his eyes shut, and he felt his heart clench in pain at the obvious distress that his lover was going through.
"I'm sorry," the other man whispered, "I'm so sorry, Saeki-san."
Saeki felt the air whoosh out of him, and he sagged limply to the ground. "Why?" he asked hoarsely.
"You said you didn't want me," Ashiwara answered brokenly. "You told me to go away, to leave you alone. Ogata-san… He only did what I asked him to do." Tears were streaming down Ashiwara's cheeks, but Saeki stayed motionless on the floor. "I was drinking, and he only did what I asked him to do."
"You were drinking," he repeated hollowly. "Was he drinking?"
Ashiwara's laughter rang harshly through the silence, and Saeki flinched. "Of course he was," Ashiwara gasped. "When isn't Ogata-san drinking?"
He didn't reply, just continued to stare at Ashiwara, whose entire posture screamed defeat. "I'm sorry," Saeki whispered.
Ashiwara shook his head. "No," he said. "You don't get to be sorry. I slept with him. I hurt you. You don't get to be sorry!"
Saeki stood slowly, and looked him straight in the eye. "I'm sorry," he repeated, making sure his voice was clear.
"No," Ashiwara cried. "No. You can't be sorry. You don't care, remember? You said it yourself. You want me gone."
It was Saeki's turn to shake his head, moving the few steps that separated them. "I lied," he whispered. "I was scared. I'm an idiot. Pick a reason." He wrapped his arms around the trembling man in front of him, burying his face in Ashiwara's neck. "I'm scared of not being what you need, of letting you down. I'm not perfect, you know?"
"I know," Ashiwara replied softly.
Tears fell onto his cheek, and he realized belatedly that Ashiwara was still crying. "So I'm sorry for hurting you," he continued, gently kissing the curve of Ashiwara's neck. "I'm sorry I'm not as strong as you. I'm sorry that I'm such an idiot."
Arms wrapped around him and he heard a voice whisper in his ear, "You're not stupid, Saeki-kun."
The oppressive silence ebbed away, and the cacophony of daily life gradually filled the room as he stood in Ashiwara's embrace.
by doumeki
Darkness and silence greeted him when he opened the door. It enveloped him, welcoming him mockingly into its embrace as if to say that it was all he had now. He turned on the light in defiance, blinking as the artificial brightness banished the dark to the far corners of the room.
He kicked off his shoes and placed them neatly by the door, softly calling out into the emptiness, hoping beyond hope that a voice would reply back. None came, and he roughly shoved a hand through his hair, groping for his cell phone with the other.
Despite staring menacingly at it, the screen remained blank. He entertained the thought of going to bed, but concern for his lover had him sitting on the couch, gazing blankly at the phone. He dialed Ashiwara's number and brought the phone to his ear in time to hear the cheerful voice recording.
"Hey. It's me," he started awkwardly. "You're not home, and I'm worried, you know? I mean, are you coming home? I want you to. Please. I'm… I'm sorry about tonight. Just, please. Come home." He hung up the phone and sunk into the couch.
The silence pressed against him, choking him with its presence. It was broken only by the incessant ticking of the clock. He squeezed his eyes shut, speaking softly into the stillness. Words poured from him, filling the empty apartment and pushing back the quiet, drowning out the mechanical ticking counting each second he sat alone.
He opened his eyes to find weak sunlight filtered through the blinds, making obscure patterns on the carpet. He bolted upright, eyes flying to the entrance. His own shoes sat there, carefully placed by the door. Another pair lay scattered a few feet away.
The apartment was quiet, but he could hear the faint movements of someone else from the bedroom. Quickly, he stood and hurried to the room to find Ashiwara sitting on the bed, suitcase open at his feet.
"What are you doing?" he blurted, drawing the other man's attention to him.
Ashiwara blinked at him, letting the shirt he had been folding fall to the ground. "I didn't know you were awake," he said softly.
Silence spread between them quickly, and he cursed softly. He moved across the room to kneel in front of Ashiwara. He looked up into the brunette's face, noticing the shadows ringing his eyes. The other man flinched when he took his hand, but he kept his grip firm. "Are you all right?"
Ashiwara looked down at him with blank eyes and shook his head. "I'm not," he whispered, voice tripping on the words.
He gathered Ashiwara in his arms, holding him tightly. The other man sounded so lost, and he knew that he was the reason for it. Ashiwara began to sob on his shoulder, and he stroked his lover's back, murmuring comforting words in his ear.
"No," Ashiwara sobbed, pulling away. "It's not okay."
Fear seized him, tendrils of apprehension curling languidly in his stomach. "What do you mean?" he whispered.
Ashiwara stared down at him, and he could see regret etched into the hollow features.
"I slept with Ogata-san," Ashiwara answered softly, averting his eyes.
The words rang in his ears, repeating over and over. His eyes stung and he tried to blink it away, soothe one pain while another threatened to overwhelm him. "What did you say?"
Ashiwara squeezed his eyes shut, and he felt his heart clench in pain at the obvious distress that his lover was going through.
"I'm sorry," the other man whispered, "I'm so sorry, Saeki-san."
Saeki felt the air whoosh out of him, and he sagged limply to the ground. "Why?" he asked hoarsely.
"You said you didn't want me," Ashiwara answered brokenly. "You told me to go away, to leave you alone. Ogata-san… He only did what I asked him to do." Tears were streaming down Ashiwara's cheeks, but Saeki stayed motionless on the floor. "I was drinking, and he only did what I asked him to do."
"You were drinking," he repeated hollowly. "Was he drinking?"
Ashiwara's laughter rang harshly through the silence, and Saeki flinched. "Of course he was," Ashiwara gasped. "When isn't Ogata-san drinking?"
He didn't reply, just continued to stare at Ashiwara, whose entire posture screamed defeat. "I'm sorry," Saeki whispered.
Ashiwara shook his head. "No," he said. "You don't get to be sorry. I slept with him. I hurt you. You don't get to be sorry!"
Saeki stood slowly, and looked him straight in the eye. "I'm sorry," he repeated, making sure his voice was clear.
"No," Ashiwara cried. "No. You can't be sorry. You don't care, remember? You said it yourself. You want me gone."
It was Saeki's turn to shake his head, moving the few steps that separated them. "I lied," he whispered. "I was scared. I'm an idiot. Pick a reason." He wrapped his arms around the trembling man in front of him, burying his face in Ashiwara's neck. "I'm scared of not being what you need, of letting you down. I'm not perfect, you know?"
"I know," Ashiwara replied softly.
Tears fell onto his cheek, and he realized belatedly that Ashiwara was still crying. "So I'm sorry for hurting you," he continued, gently kissing the curve of Ashiwara's neck. "I'm sorry I'm not as strong as you. I'm sorry that I'm such an idiot."
Arms wrapped around him and he heard a voice whisper in his ear, "You're not stupid, Saeki-kun."
The oppressive silence ebbed away, and the cacophony of daily life gradually filled the room as he stood in Ashiwara's embrace.